Lost my husband suddenly...

[Missy1]

Life is just a series of annoying tasks, survival. We only want the one thing we can no longer have. The light on earth that was ours is gone. We stumble around now in the dark, lost until we pass on to be united once again. 

I know what you mean about doing his chores, he loved doing his part, gave him pride taking care of his family.
Every moment of silence when my mind is not distracted, he is front and center, my everything.

Living each day, one day at a time feels like a punishment of the cruelest kind. There are no words in our language to adequately describe the the pain and suffering we endure without them by our side. I am grateful  I have a job, food and a home today, no one ever knows about tomorrow...

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Missy1 said:

no one ever knows about tomorrow...

The ups and downs of being widowed no matter how many years...one day the tears dry up and you're left with this incredible ache in your heart, like a weight made of grief.  I live with it.  I'd almost welcome the tears flow as it brought some relief for a moment, like an outlet.  Coupled with what is going on in the world, some days we do okay, other days it's a real struggle that we fight.  I try not to even think about true happiness...it's been a long, long time...

[Monaron]

happiness to me is an elusion at the moment. I did take a small amount of my husbands ashes and buried them next to his parents grave with wildflowers over them hidden from the world. I have decided to take a small amount to different favorite places and leave a peace of him there. I almost felt him smiling. I came home and fell part the rest of the day. Every night I\m glad the day is over. IT means I made it through one more day. For small glimpses I find something funny and laugh, and then remember.  I pray every day and my hope for all of us grieving is that we come to a day where we see more to smile about than cry. I think it\s going to take a long time for me. God bless all

[KayC]

I'm glad you were able to do that and hope you found comfort...yes and we're one day closer to being with them again.

[Monaron]

I have lost count on the weeks hes been gone, but I know to many. I still cry for no reason other than the pain gets to be to intense. I think It's around week 18. I'm wondering if I will ever feel at least some joy in life? Everywhere  I. look and everything I do I see him. So this is life for the rest of my days? I don't want love again, I lost the best, but I would like some peace of mind. When do we find our way into a new life? I have no idea. Someone said for me to move home to the USA. i said home is where my heart is and he was my home so where does that leave me? God bless all just writing. 

[KayC]

We would not tell you TO move home, only suggested going back to the states where your family/support is, it is entirely up to you to be where you feel most comfortable.  That is a decision only you can make.

[Monaron]

Thank you kay. IF only it were that easy. I have a household of furniture and things that cannot be moved back to the US due to the huge expense. I have bills here that need to be taken care of before I can make any decision and that will take much time. The question of where I would go with grown children and not wanting to live with them as wonderful as they are. There's also the question of immigration and law here that I'm waiting for answers as to what will be the outcome of my Being here now that my husband has died. So many question in my mind and so much to take care of before i can even contemplate before i can  move anywhere. Its' as if life is not complicated enough with my husbands death, but all the decision and actions having to be made on my part. The other question is I really don't know where  |'m  comfortable anymore. when we visited the US a couple years ago it felt very strange and unfamiliar. Nothing fits anymore. so wherever I go it still is starting all over again. They do not have estate sales here nor garage sales. So this whole thing is my problem I just don't know what is right for me! I wish I did. I have a car and motor cycle I will have to sell but the resale value is not as it is in the US.IT's all making me crazy.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I can appreciate your dilemma, that is so hard!  Do you have any support anywhere?  

The truth is, even our homes can feel like no man's land after they die, reminders everywhere, but they're not there...

[Monaron]

Thank you Kay, I have my daughter who text me every day and I have his Goddaughter who text me ones in a while, but is young and has a busy life. So its me and God. Yes our home is no longer our home it is now a place where I live! God bless

[foreverhis]

My poem about home:

 

Home

Our home

Now a house

A place to wait

Until I am with you

And I am home again

 

I can't say it gets easier, not exactly, but the reminders and decades of memories, the signs of him everywhere, are no longer as painful as they were in the beginning.  Even though I feel I'm still at the start of my grief journey, I have taken little steps forward.  Yes, waking up every day is still hard.  That moment between sleep and facing the day, when my heart forgets until my brain remembers, will always be hard, I think. 

Yet, I can walk downstairs and look at his picture, smile, and say, "Good morning, honey."  Or I can open the shades upstairs on the window that looks out at the distant ocean and say, "Isn't it beautiful today?"  I hope so much that he can see the same morning sun glisten on the water and the same birds flitting through the trees. 

I can smile and even laugh thinking of all that is good and loving and kind through our marriage and our life together.  I can even snicker a little remembering the silly things that were between just the two of us.  I can tell some of our happy stories and am proud that I no longer break down completely every time.

I miss him every minute of every day.  But my grief is slowly evolving as I learn to carry it as part of me, a big part, rather than all and everything.

[Monaron]

thank you foreverhis for the comforting words. I long for that time to come for me also. I know it is a process and I'm early in that time. I know my home with  be when i leave this world and finally come home. Until then I'm just trying to find a way to make it through another day. IF i want to have contact with others I go to the market. I find that being around other people for just a moment feels almost normal. Than I leave the store and remember what I'm going back to. I pray a lot and I read the bible  a lot which gives me some comfort knowing deep inside I trust that I'm never alone. He could make me laugh like no other and once in a while for one moment I remember something that made me laugh. My prayer is that these times and memories will become more. God bless and thank you for sharing.  

[Yoli]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

My poem about home:

 

Home

Our home

Now a house

A place to wait

Until I am with you

And I am home again

One Hundred Percent

[KayC]

foreverhis, that says it.

[Monaron]

hello again its me needing to write down how I feel. Its 19 weeks and 1 day since he left me unexpectedly and I'm still grieving. I know many have told me its all in our own time frame as to how we grieve, but it seems I'm crying everyday still. Not all day but it comes unexpected. I see something on tv or I see a beautiful sunset and I cry. I'm in the process of wondering and praying what next? do I stay where I'm at in Germany or do i go back to the USA. I have so much to do even if I thought of going back I still need to do so much here. I have what is called a resident permit that allows me to live here with my husband, but now he is gone and so its back into the immigration department as to what they will do. The unknown ,the starting over, the insurmountable things that need to be taken care of before I can go or do anything is almost more than I can deal with. I keep hearing I'm strong, but right now I'm not feeling strong. I'm feeling vulnerable ,lost ,longing for him, knowing he is gone. I feel like a child not knowing what next. maybe that's the point, maybe God wants me to be as a child and turn completely to him and trust. Hard but I'm working on it. God bless all

[KayC]

You are right where you can expect to be.  Nothing wrong with crying every day, you have a lot to cry about.  I cried longer than I care to remember.

You ARE working on this and that's all we can do.  This is the hardest journey I've ever embarked on...no ending.  The pain will lessen eventually enough to manage better.  I can't imagine having immigration hanging over my head on top of it.  

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, Monaron said:

but it seems I'm crying everyday still. Not all day but it comes unexpected. I see something on tv or I see a beautiful sunset and I cry

I am going to be bluntly honest:  I still cry every day too.  Not nearly as much as the first months and year, but every day.  Sometimes just a little wistful sniffle, other times big rolling tears.  There are triggers, some unexpected, that get to me and memories that will always hurt.  I accept that it's probably always going to be that way because I am going to miss him every day for the rest of my life. 

One of the biggest differences is that now I can also smile and even laugh sometimes without feeling like it's a betrayal.  I can remember the good things and tell our stories without completely breaking down every time.  My love is always with me, but I am learning to carry my grief and loss as part of my life, rather than all of it.

Your loss is so new and still so raw that I'd be surprised if you weren't crying every day.  I urge you to give yourself both time and a break.  I rarely compare or say "I know how you feel" because there are no comparisons and I only know how I feel.  But please believe me when I say that in this, I have been where you are.  As with everything so far, it is a slow and often painful process to begin taking baby steps forward.  This journey of ours is long with twists and even u-turns on what is a dark road.  Remember that you are no longer walking it alone.

((hugs))

[KayC]

21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

One of the biggest differences is that now I can also smile and even laugh sometimes without feeling like it's a betrayal.

 

21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

My love is always with me, but I am learning to carry my grief and loss as part of my life, rather than all of it.

This is big!  I remember in my first year of grief reading an article that was defining for me about giving yourself permission to smile, it was a corner turning for me.  I wish I'd saved it but I have since found another one that says much the same thing.  In the beginning our grief/loss is all consuming, but we do learn to carry it as we go along.

[Monaron]

It's 5 months now since I last saw him and I have to say I cry less, but I still cry. I have moved from what i think is the numb stage to reality and it hurts even more. Knowing he is not ever coming back. Know I have to redefine and make my way alone in a new life. I'm not ready for. Trying to figure out where do I go from here and I still have no idea. I think of a lot of things but it's just thinking. I still have thoughts of the moment he died. I can't get it out of my head and I pray in time it will fade. I wonder if this is normal. Someone said to me it really is a PTSD. I still see him and hear him at his last moments of life. Just a breath away from gone. I think this is not normal but maybe someone can tell me if they experienced the same? I still see him at the last time in the funeral home before he was cremated. I made them put his dress shirt on. For some reason I had it in my head that I did not want him in his wet underwear as he was when he died. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy and then just a glimpse of something like a blue sky and sun makes me take a deep breath, but then it's gone. I still have not worked up the courage to scatter his ashes on the mountain I had his small memorial. . Nor have I had the courage to take our wedding ring off and Don't know if I will. All these things are still in my mind. I just want peace at some point.

[Christinarosa1968]

My husband, Michael, died on March 16, 2020 suddenly of a heart attack.  I am 5 and a half months along and I am having a "bad spell" around this time, but in my grief group they showed us a graph on how around 4-6 months can be very bad because the realization that they are gone are really settling in.  I had to drop my kids off at school yesterday for the first time since he passed and it was so heartbreaking to me.  Thinking the last time I drove up to the school was back in March and he was here....its things like this that brings tears to my eyes.  I remember things he said that were funny and I laugh a bit, but then I cry.  He was such a good guy and I was so lucky.  I hope everyone has a blessed day and remember that great grief comes from loving someone so greatly and we are lucky for that...

Monaron, when I read your post I had to reply I really can relate to what you are going through.  xoxo

[Monaron]

thank you so much Christina and your words are exactly how I feel. All of a sudden my grief grew worse . Not that I was not grieving, but it seemed I had more time between when I would break down. I now see what your saying. I knew I had moved into a place of the reality of it setting in. My husband was Michael also. The reality of missing him with my whole being and knowing he is not coming back. Yes I feel lucky and blessed that he was in my life and I had him. Bless you and wishing you peace. xoxo

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Monaron said:

Nor have I had the courage to take our wedding ring off and Don't know if I will.

No need to, it's a personal choice only you can decide if or when.  I had mine resized because it was tight and it came out too big so I have to wear it on my right hand now but at least I have it with me.

6 hours ago, Monaron said:

Someone said to me it really is a PTSD.

I think so too.  At least it feels like it.  I didn't get to be there when he died as the nurse threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me, I was the one that ran for help when he started having his heart attack, otherwise they wouldn't have noticed.  I kind of felt in a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation because I wanted them to try to save him but it meant I didn't get to be with him to the end.  I'll never forget the immense pain he was in, his bulging eyes...it does indeed feel like PTSD.

4 hours ago, Christinarosa1968 said:

 I am 5 and a half months along and I am having a "bad spell" around this time, but in my grief group they showed us a graph on how around 4-6 months can be very bad because the realization that they are gone are really settling in.

So true, it's around six months give or take a couple of months.  Not only is reality setting in but people go back to their lives and support dries up just as you need it the most.  

 

4 hours ago, Christinarosa1968 said:

He was such a good guy and I was so lucky.  I hope everyone has a blessed day and remember that great grief comes from loving someone so greatly and we are lucky for that...

Such a good way to look at it, I feel lucky too!  I've never met anyone like him, before or since.  He was my person, for sure.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Christinarosa1968 said:

 I am 5 and a half months along and I am having a "bad spell" around this time, but in my grief group they showed us a graph on how around 4-6 months can be very bad because the realization that they are gone are really settling in.

Exactly right.  When I had a huge setback at about 6 months, I thought, "What is going on?  I was just learning to take little steps forward, what now?"  I had just found this forum, for another reason: Being sick of people I don't know well trying to compare some other loss to mine.  Even though I know they were trying to connect and show compassion, it really peeved me off.  Then around the holidays and new year were the 6 month mark for me.  Yeah, great timing!  I don't really like the holiday time anyway.  Not the holidays per se, but rather the weather, the constant "buy, buy, buy," and the enforced cheer have long bothered me.  That year was the first Christmas without him and the first New Year's Eve completely alone.  Even though we didn't do big Christmas things once our daughter was on her own, we had our personal rituals.  And even though we no longer hosted or attended big New Year's Eve bashes, we had our best friends with us for a quiet celebration and they couldn't make it down because of illness.  It brought everything to the front and center of, "This is your life now.  Good luck with that." 

The cold, wet, and lonely days of January were like a second hell on earth for me.  At first I thought it was just me, but then I read more here and discovered it's so common as to be considered "normal" for us.  Great.  But I did get through it and by March was starting to take little steps forward again.

8 hours ago, Monaron said:

It's 5 months now since I last saw him and I have to say I cry less, but I still cry. I have moved from what i think is the numb stage to reality and it hurts even more. Knowing he is not ever coming back. Know I have to redefine and make my way alone in a new life. I'm not ready for. Trying to figure out where do I go from here and I still have no idea.

I understand this well.  The paperwork and legal stuff is mostly finished; people have gone back to their lives, moving forward in their own worlds while we are stuck in place; reality sinking in that there's no going back.  I don't think any of us are ready for it and I sure as heck had no idea what I was going to do with the rest of my life without my soulmate.  Even now, I try to just look at today because I can't look too far down the road without losing it.  That's just me, of course, others may find it easier than I do as time goes on.  Yet, overall it is easier to get out of bed, to smile and laugh and remember the good, and to find little reasons to live while taking him with me on the journey.

There's just no way to get around any of the grief and loss we experience. 

8 hours ago, Monaron said:

Nor have I had the courage to take our wedding ring off and Don't know if I will.

I wear my wedding ring and always will.  I don't give a darn what anyone thinks about that.  I am his, as simple as that.  I wear his wedding ring on a chain around my neck along with a gold pendant he bought me once "just because" I saw it and loved it.  It's nothing super fancy, but it has meaning for us.  I didn't often ask for jewelry and usually put extra money in our travel fund because that's what mattered to us, but on that occasion he decided to surprise me.  I regret not telling him more often how much the little gestures, the little "just because" presents meant to me because he put real thought into what would truly make me happy.  It wasn't diamonds or roses because that's not me.  That he'd take the time and effort to pay attention meant so much.  I hope he knows that and I hope I get to tell him again someday when it's my time.

Regardless of what some outdated, ridiculous etiquette book might say, these decisions are ours alone.  We should do what feels right for us.  It's not cowardly to keep wearing your wedding ring.  It's love.

[Yoli]

Even though my partner and I did not marry we exchanged rings in 2002 in a homemade ceremony. I intend to keep wearing my ring and I have hers on a chain around my neck also, right next to my heart.

The thought/reality of having to start over is terrifying. We were so comfortable is our own little world. Because of this we kind of isolated ourselves from others alot of the time. Just at Christmas time her aunt made the comment that we need to broaden our circle, too late.

Honestly, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we will be together again when it is my time.

[Monaron]

So many heart felt post. I don't feel so alone in my journey of grief. You all have shared such wonderful post of your grief and I have to say I wish we did not have to share these things. My heart feels for all the sadness we all have been through and are going through. My ring means something to me. IT is a symbol of love that we shared and that it still have. For now or ever my ring stays where it is. On my finger. I appreciate your sharing all and I do wish we did not have to share here, but we are here and I love that all help in sharing. God bless 

[Christinarosa1968]

It makes me so sad to have to think about our losses, but it has brought us together.  This time last year my girls started school and everything was amazing up until March 16th when Michael died of a heart attack.  I will never be the same, but I am trying to move forward.  It is HARD.  I will do it.  I know our loved ones are in HEAVEN cheering us on!!!

 

 

[Gail 8588]

On 9/1/2020 at 4:58 AM, Monaron said:

.  .  .  I still have thoughts of the moment he died. I can't get it out of my head and I pray in time it will fade. I wonder if this is normal?  .   .   .

I think it is normal. 

My husband had a stroke on Tuesday, Feb. 7th and was in 4 different hospitals over  the next 25 days.  He died March 3.

Each year since his death, from February 7 until March 3, I have essentially relived every moment of his dying. I am not trying to remember.  It is just so deeply carved into my brain exactly  what happened each day, I can't get any of it out of my mind.

In January, I start dreading that February is coming.  From Feb 7 to March 3, I am a mess.  I'll start crying for no apparent reason, but I know the reason, I am remembering one of the last conversations I had with my love, or I was feeding him pudding at this moment in 2017, or he was working with the physical therapist to move his arm, or it was his first fever, the last time he spoke, when I authorized one of many surgeries, when he went on a ventilator, a feeding tube,  the 3 times he coded, when I signed the do not resuscitate order, when I authorized his being taken off of life support.  All these memories and a million more are written in stone in my brain.

I also pray that in time this will fade. I am not sure they will. 

Some events in life make a permanent imprint. I'll never forget going into labor or giving birth to my sons. Those joyful events occurred over 30 years ago, but I still can recall them in great detail.

Peace,

Gail

[Monaron]

thank you So many heart felt post. I don't feel so alone in my journey of grief. You all have shared such wonderful post of your grief and I have to say I wish we did not have to share these things. I understand Gail and I guess it's etched in my brain. his last sounds of crying next to me in bed and the last breath within moments. I don't want to dwell on these things but they are there. Like you said when you babies were born. I remember the days and what the weather was like and the actual birth. so i guess we carry these thing with us in  life good and bad. I think it's called living and loving. I wish all peace at some point and may the bad fade with the good staying forever in our thoughts. Today I made a milestone which is a good thing. I was able to renew my resident permit in Germany until I get my thought together as to where is life going? I worried all night that my German would not be good enough ,but it all went well. So I thank God for just a small thing, but big with all that has happened. Just a moment but I hang on to the saying that : life is not about how many breaths we take, but how many moment take our breath away:. Peace, Rachelle

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Monaron said:

I was able to renew my resident permit in Germany until I get my thought together as to where is life going?

I am so glad for you, and proud of you that you accomplished this!  Your German must have been fine!  It's good to know that's one change you will not have to be facing in the immediate!

[foreverhis]

On 9/1/2020 at 1:58 AM, Monaron said:

I still have thoughts of the moment he died. I can't get it out of my head and I pray in time it will fade. I wonder if this is normal. Someone said to me it really is a PTSD. I still see him and hear him at his last moments of life. Just a breath away from gone. I think this is not normal but maybe someone can tell me if they experienced the same?

Yes, I do.  At first, the last weeks and months, right up to his last breath with me by his side, were the only things I could see in my mind's eye.  That last moment and then knowing he was gone from this world were defining moments in my life.  Just as the wonderful moments like seeing him for the first time and asking myself, "Who is that cute new trombone player?," him asking me out on our first date (I can even picture what I was wearing!), the day he proposed in his own silly way, looking at him and saying "I do," and many other, defining moments are engraved on my mind, so are the impossibly painful ones.  How could they not be?  Those are the times that change us forever. 

I think it is very much like or perhaps even is a form of PTSD.  Unfortunately, it is very common.  What you're feeling, thinking, and seeing in your heart and mind is not only normal, but expected.

Yes, also, that it's no longer all I can picture or hear in my mind.  It's not that these moments have faded for me; those images are as bright and sharp as ever.  But they're in the back of my mind most of the time now.  They no longer play like a movie, over and over and over, every day.  I am always aware of them, but they do not define my life now 2 years after losing him.

I don't know if that helps.  I'm sure it's different for each of us.

[Monaron]

Thank you. Just knowing that others have experienced the same type of feelings make me understand I'm not crazy just grieving. Although I think at times going crazy would be somewhat easier but he use to say to me in his broken English ( not a moment I would have miss). Well I feel the same . Not a moment would have have missed even knowing pain would come. I'm getting a pet in the next coming weeks and I think it will help not to be alone in our home, ,now my place where I live. I think it's a baby step but a step. I will never be over loving him because just because he is not here physically, he is still here and will be loved always. Bless all

[Monaron]

I'm at the 6 month mark and I have to say it has not gotten easier since he died. i still think of him every day. I still cry every day. I'm still exhausted every day and now my back which has been my weak point since an accident many years ago has started to act up and I'm in pain all the time. I have one year to decide if I'm staying in Germany or going back to the USA and still have no clear picture. I vacillate back and forth . Thinking I'm near family if I go back to the USA, but here is now my comfort zone and not feeling well as far as my back does not help. They do not have estate sales here in Germany so I have a whole house full of stuff including antiques and no idea where to start. he kept everything like it was a treasure and the thought of throwing away his stuff just makes me sick to my stomach. maybe I'm just thinking to much and need to just be still my mind is telling me, but the unknown is making me crazy. I feel like I just need to stand on the high board I'm on and just let go and let God as I free fall. I go weeks without speaking to a human and this does not help. maybe someone has some insight I do not at this time. God bless and hope everyone is experiencing some peace.

[KayC]

I pray you get the clarity you need as to what provides the most comfort to you.  Being cut off from everyone must exacerbate it.  

[Monaron]

Well I'm back writing again because it seems to be a way of expressing myself without others telling me everything will be alright. I heard it a thousand times and I WIL SAY THAT AFTER 7 1/2 MONTHS EVERYTHNG IS NOT OK. now I DON'T CRY ALL DAY SO THATS A PLUS,BUT IT COMES WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT. I CAN GO TO OUR FAVORITE GROCERY STORE AND LEAVE  AND CRY ALL THE WAY HOME BECAUSE HE IS NOT WITH ME. I DO THINK I HAVE LOST MY SANITY BECAUSE I SWEAR THERE WAS A TIME I FELT SOMEONE TOUCH MY FOOT IN BED. I HEARD HIM BREATHING BESIDE ME. I HEARDA SLIGHT CRY WHEN I WAS CRYING IN THE LIVING ROOM AND LAST NIGHT i COULD HEAR SOMEONE BEATHING IN THE CHAIR NEXT TO ME. now I'm A SPIRITUAL PERSON AND GOD HAS BEEN MY LIFELINE,BUT I CAN'T MAKE THESE THINGS UP OR IS IT ME WANTING HIM SO BAD I HEAR THINGS? my CAT HAS NOW TWICE JUMPED OFF OF MY LAP AND MAKE A SCRETCHING SOUND AND RAISED HER BACK AND RAN. I THINK I HAVE LOST IT FINALLY. I DID GET THROUGH MY BIRTHDAY ,WHICH WAS A MILESTONE AND WE HAD PLANNED ON CELEBRATING, BUT INSTEAD I SLEPT ALL DAY AND WAS GREATFUL FOR THAT. I SLEEP,,GET UP SHOWER, TEACH FOR A FEW HOURS, EAT AND BACK TO BED. I WONDERING IF THERE WILL EVER BE A TIME i FEEL PEACE AND LIFE HA SOME MEANING. CAN ANYONE ANSWER WHO  IT'S BEEN LONGER IN TIME? IS THERE PEACE EVENTUALLY? IS THERE LIFE EVER AFTER?

[KayC]

Of course it's not "okay!"  It never will be the same again, how can it be okay?  

They say it gets easier in time, that is a relative term, we get better at dealing with it, adjusting, honing our coping skills, but life as we knew it is forever changed.  WE get better at this, the situation itself does not right itself magically.  I encourage you to learn all you can about grief, keep coming here, vent, we're listening, I do think it helps to express it.  I remember driving out into the woods and just screaming at the top of my lungs.  Probably scared the wildlife off.  Peace?  I think I have peace, but nothing is like when he was here, the feeling I felt when he used to hold me, I have not felt before him or since.  We have to create our own purpose/meaning, that took me years.  Being here for all of you, that is my purpose.  I never want anyone to go through this completely alone, I found a place like this after he died and it literally saved me, I want to be here for others like they were for me all those years ago.

No I do not think you are making things up!  I believe in signs..  I have not been able to conjure them up at will as some seem to but if we are open, we can sometimes get them, I think it's harder than it looks.

One such time I remember vividly...

It was the recession, I'd looked for work for an entire year, applied to 350 jobs, any of which I could do, no one would hire me...I faced age discrimination for the first time in my life.  I got called back part time and then one day my job was abruptly ended, no warning.  I knew it'd do no good to file unemployment and look for work again, I was done.  For four years I lived off my savings and it too was ending.  I had a year to go for full retirement but knew I couldn't last financially, I'd have to take the penalty.  I could no longer drive at night either so even if I could land a job, which would mean commuting 100 miles/day, I couldn't...employers don't set their clocks around you, they expect you to be there whether it's daylight or not.

I called to talk to the social security office to find out what my benefit would be.  I held for an hour and the lady came on and told me $250/month.  What???!!  I'd worked all my life, how could I just get $250?  I could not live off of that, I have a house payment, insurance, medical, utilities, etc.  I asked her to double check, I was frantic, my anxiety kicked in full bore!  By then it was nearing her quitting time and she just wanted off the phone, she told me to call back after the weekend...it was a holiday weekend so that was three days she was making me wait!  

That night I lay on my bed, anxiety ridden, probably crying, I don't remember, and all of a sudden I felt George's hand on my back.  Instantly I felt calm peace through me.  It's as if he was telling me it was going to be okay.  If ever I needed that sign, it was then.  I waited the three day weekend, called soc. sec. again, this time I got a nice guy who gave a rip, and he told me the accurate amount, not a lot, but I'd make it and he filed for me, even arranging for Medicare premiums to be deducted automatically for me.  

No one can ever talk me out of that experience.  I know what I felt.  I could not have conjured that up if I tried.  My friend and grief counselor, administrator of the site I've been on for over 15 years, says there's things you can do to get signs, IDK, guess I'm not good at that stuff, but I pass on the articles for those who want to read them.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/06/after-death-communication.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/03/after-death-communication-list-of.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/09/after-death-communication-continued.html

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, Monaron said:

BUT IT COMES WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT. I CAN GO TO OUR FAVORITE GROCERY STORE AND LEAVE  AND CRY ALL THE WAY HOME BECAUSE HE IS NOT WITH ME.

I'm sorry to say that these unexpected or even sometimes expected triggers have continued for me.  But they're not as frequent and the pain from them is not as sharp.  It used to be that I'd cry every time--every time--I walked by the deli in our large grocery store and see the display where they had his favorite ham.  If it was on sale, it was worse because I'd have been up at the counter, no matter if there was a wait, getting some sliced for him so I could bring it home and see his smile and make him happy.  Or if he was with me shopping, I'd say, "I'm going to get your ham" while he would (as he called it) wander aimlessly looking for interesting things.  A small thing to be sure, but it mattered.  And so I cried.  It was the same with so many things buying groceries and going to the farmers market.  I'd pick out too many Persian cucumbers or too large a bunch of grapes.  Then I'd remember, the tears would start, and I'd put back two cucumbers or find a smaller bunch of grapes.  I did get a lot of complimentary produce from the farmers who knew us because that was the only thing they could do besides say, "I'm so sorry."

For nearly 2 years, every time I'd crest over the small hill when driving home, I'd tear up or truly cry because I could see the roof of our house.  For more than 20 years, if I had been out on my own, I'd see that roof and know I was nearly home to my love.  Even now, I sometimes forget to the put the key in the door and try to open it, as if he'll be there to say, "Thanks for shopping.  Want some help bringing things in?"  One thing that helps me, maybe odd to others but not the members here, is that I almost always say, "I'm home" when I walk in the door.  The first time I forgot kind of kicked me in the heart because it felt as if I was forgetting him.  Of course that's not true at all.  I realized that I'm incorporating losing him into my every day life, rather than having that be all-encompassing.  It was, in a weird way, a step forward for me to know that my heart could say it without me having to speak the words.

The things that have meaning for us will always hurt, but for me time has allowed them to soften along with all the rest of my grief.  But there were times when it seemed as if each little thing would always be like a shard of glass poking me.  I can't even say when that started to change because it's been so gradual.  I've gotten better at coping, I guess.

8 hours ago, Monaron said:

BUT I CAN'T MAKE THESE THINGS UP OR IS IT ME WANTING HIM SO BAD I HEAR THINGS?

First, I believe in signs absolutely 100%.  Second, I'm not sure it matters if they're real or if it's us wanting to believe them because they are real to us.

I have absolutely had signs, especially at first, that mean something only to me.  I talk to him and ask him to help me get through this or that and it helps me to feel that he is there when I need him the most.

My most recent sign was a little odd.  I had had a truly horrible day, not because things went wrong, but I was having a hard time just being without him.  I was crying a lot more than usual for me now.  So I went out the back door to get some fresh air.  When I looked down, I saw some bits of yard detritus had somehow formed themselves into a perfect heart and the breeze landed it right at my feet.  Was it simply an act of nature or did my love help and then drop that heart there for me?  I choose to believe the latter and don't care if it seems like I'm looking too hard for meaning.  What matters is what we feel and believe, not what others think.

[Monaron]

thank you all. IT helps to vent here. You understand without judgment.

[Monaron]

hello to all, it's me again and I had some questions to see if I'm in trouble mentally or if this is a common coping mechanism I'm in my 8th month of grieving the loss of the sudden death of my husband and have different symptoms I have been experiencing. For one I was able to go back and sleep in our bed where he died, but lately I have really bad dreams and sleeping in the bed really freaked me out, and I mean freaked me out. I actually closed off the room. IT's very cold in that the room no heat unless I put a heater on, which is expensive. so now I sleep on the sofa in a warm living room and have no problem sleeping so that was resolved or so I think. I still have flash backs of his death and have to take deep breaths to remind myself that yes it happened and now its done. I find myself sometimes thinking did we really exist? I mean did he really live and love with me I go to pictures to remind myself that yes it was real. The last and sometime disturbing part is I find myself feeling as if I'm observing myself and not really there. IF that makes sense. IT's as if I'm looking in a window of my life going by. I know consoling would help, but I'm in Germany and finding a English speaking consoler is really impossible. I would have to travel hours to get to one an that just is beyond what I can do right now. .I'm thinking I really need to get back to the USA near my daughter and family, but right now that seems to be a bigger feat than I can handle. I have a household of things and here in Germany estate sales are not and selling secondhand is not popular. So selling and giving things away is a really big thing for me right now. My rational thinking is telling me to just cool down I'm over thinking everything and can't make a good decision right now. I know this and this has become my mantra to stop over thinking. I pray a lot and I know as a woman of faith that God has me ,but I will admit I feel alone at times. abandoned. So with all said I'm I going crazy or do others find the same type of symptoms to your grief?

[LMR]

Monaron

I am so sorry that you are going through this hell. I also went through a period when it felt like my husband had never existed. How could that be after 48 years together! I tried to find people who had the same feeling and I didn't find anyone so I am rather relieved to hear you say this. I thought I was going crazy, it was a very strange sensation. I still don't understand why. I am finding it very hard to accept that he is gone so maybe it is just my brain trying to make sense of the impossible, testing scenarios.

[KayC]

I am so sorry that you are going through this, I did too, in fact, it's 15 1/2 years and I can't sleep in our bed!  I sleep in a recliner in the living room.  Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.  I understand about the bedroom, but advise you to open it up as much as you can so it doesn't deteriorate as too cold is not good for it.  Maybe whenever you're gone or if you take a walk you could leave it open.  Is it possible to leave it open at night as long as you don't go into it?

I still talk to George, occasionally write to him even, think about him all the time.

LMR, you write that you feel he didn't exist, I wondered sometimes if I made George up!  It's because he's so absent from my everyday reality and the longer I go, the further away it seems from our life together.  I've actually looked through the house for him and physically had to check his birth cert., our marriage, cert. etc and it helps to see his handwriting.  But the pictures feel like a ghost story, a movie I once watched.  Yes he was real, but it's been so long since he was here, since we were happily living our lives together.

[Monaron]

IT's new years eve and the first without him. Everyone is wishing each other a happy new year and all I want is for it to be over. This was an exciting night because my husband would take me to a barn up on a hill over looking the small town he grew up in and 6 generations. at midnight the sky would turn ablaze in color with just about everyone sending up fireworks here in Germany they are legal. I thought of going there but it's more than I can deal with right now so I think I will not. I will go another time since it was a special  place and breath it in. Not now. It's 9 months now and with the holidays I found myself crying more. Being in Germany and all my family back in the USA I 'm alone and I say this not for pity but just to say why I feel so alone. I am planning on coming back to the USA hopefully in last spring ,summer. First I must get my house together and sell, give away and trash all except that which I will send home in boxes. I thought of staying here in Germany but I keep hearing him say when we talked about it that I should return home to be near my family for support. I also know I want to stay because I feel it's my link to him, but as a good friend said to me, He will be with me no  matter where I go. so much to do, such a journey is this grief. It's like a roller coaster. One day is ok the next much emotions surface. I just want peace at some point. Many blessing to all in the New year and may it bring much peace and love to each. God bless

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Monaron said:

He will be with me no  matter where I go

You have a wise friend.  I personally will rest easier when you are with some support, although I totally get your mixed feelings.  You are so sweet to think of everyone here as you are going through this.  Sending you cyber hugs!

[Monaron]

Next month will be one year he has been gone from me, but never a day I have not thought about him. I still find I'm on this roller coaster of emotions. I think I'm ok and then I think of something he said or did and I laugh and cry at the same time. I'm finding myself crying more these days and I think it's because I'm getting closer to 1 year and it has really sunk in he's gone from me physically but not emotionally or physically. I know I would not have made it even this first year without my faith in God. Being really alone still in Germany has made me really turn my attention to my God . I know he is with me every breath but to be really honest sometimes I ask Where are you GOD? I need you now. I don't know how the first anniversary of his leaving will affect me. I do know I'm more emotional just not all the time. I guess that's a good thing. I am trying very hard to get all things organized to move back to the USA where I have family, but it seems like n impossible task. There is so much to do. Bills to tie up and finish, all of the household things sold, giveaway, or trashed. There is no yard sales or estate sales here in Germany or at least very few if any I have seen. I have no one to help me and finding the right place with the right words is just more than I can deal with. I feel I'm on over load right now. I have developed this rash all over and my hair is falling out. I just want to reach a place of peace. God bless to all for allowing me to vent! 

[Gail 8588]

Monaron, 

I am so sorry you are having to do all of this on your own. It is do hard to focus and follow through with things when your brain is still in a fog. It is exhausting just trying to list all the things that need to be done, let alone actually trying to do them.   

I sold our home 6 months after my love died. It also required me to get rid of more than 50% of our accumulated treasures/junk.  I ended up giving most all of it away because I just couldn't deal with trying to organize (and place a value on) our stuff.  I couldn't haggle over things he touched and used. Things he bought for me or our house. Emotionally, it was easier to just give it all away. Quicker too.

Sending you strength to do what needs to be done to come home to the US and your family. 

Gail

[Monaron]

Thank you Gail,

He saved every paper I think he ever had thinking some day he will need it. All organized in binders in a large cabinet. None of them were of value to me and going through them was like going through his life before and since me. IT was painful and with much stress to do so. I cried every single paper I had to throw but as my daughter said to me, mom someone would have to do it so better you who loved him so. I have decided to sell only the essential things that I think will go and the rest will be given away. He has antiques that have been in the family for many generations so there is value. Thing like our motorcycle equipment that was practically new I hope will be sold and used to someone. The car of course will be sold so much work with much stress and in the end it does not bring him back. Thank you for your support.

[KayC]

Monaron, I felt much the same as you in my first year but even though God felt a million miles away sometimes, He was there, carrying me, my faith intact.  It's amazing what you are doing, prayers going up for you.

[Monaron]

Next Friday will be one year since I heard my husbands voice, or touched his hand, or fell asleep next to him. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to feel, but I know what I feel. IT comes over me with such saddens because  I know this is for keeps. I'm finding the closer I get to this anniversary i find myself crying more again. Not that I ever stopped but it was less. The memories of him are flooding my mind right now and how can those who know me really understand the last year i came through. with the grace of God I'm still here.  I have moments when there is a point of light but then its gone. I hang on to those moments of hope That there will be more moments. Right now I'm just in a state of sadness. He's really gone but I feel him so strongly. How can these two opposing thoughts be?  God bless to all who read. This is a journey I wish on no one!

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Monaron said:

I'm not sure what I'm suppose to feel

Whatever you feel is what you're supposed to feel.  It's the hardest thing in the world.  Here is a post I made at one month out:

On 7/20/2005 at 4:28 PM, kayc said:

How can the missing him go away when it's left such a hollow inside of you! I think we eventually will learn to live with it but I think the missing them just goes on and on. My father has been dead for 23 years and my mom still misses him. My husband has only been gone for a month and it is still so fresh and raw it hits me like waves crashing over me. We have to build something, forage friendships, volunteer in causes, keep busy, work, reach out to others, work in the garden, but being careful not to be alone more than we have to. Eventually we'll get more used to the aloneness...I never minded being alone "before him" but now...now it's just a painful reminder of his absence. I don't know if the shock is easier than the acceptance but the acceptance is slower coming. Some of us fight against it but really, what choice do we have but to accept? It doesn't mean we chose it or like it, just that it is what we got dealt and we have to make the best of it. I am so sorry for your loss. I could relate to much of what you were saying, I too am happy that my husband is out of his suffering and he is at last at peace, but now I have my own suffering to deal with and it feels anything but peaceful. Good luck on your journey.

[Monaron]

Well the year mark came and went and I will say i did not do it with ease. I thought and that is my problem after the first year I minght be able to feel better. In some ways i do. i find myself laughing again but then its gone. I pray for more better days then ones filled with tears. Is it possible one an cry so many tears. At first i was dehytrated and realsized I needed to drink myre fluids. so I did so. I find now that the last year of grief is surfacing in physical ways. My back hurts more than it did. I have a rash that I realized comes when I'm most stressed. still trying to find my way back to the USA. maybe I'm simply thinking to much and need to just allow my brain to slow down. I am taking a week from working in may and what I hope to do is jsut get a handle oon what needs to be done. I guess it's called orginize. he was the planner. Always a plan. IF you couaght him looking into space , you would think where did he go, but he simply was planning in his mind. I wish he could help me plan now. I hate this weight on just mysefl of doing this. I pray I ahve more light coming into my life and the pain becomes less acute. Pray for me and I will be poraying for all who read this. God bless. 

[Pennywyze43]

@Missy1

The experience of losing my husband has been something that I can truly say has taught me quite a few things. The fact that I survived first year, for me, was nothing short of a miracle. If not for the good Lord placing me in His arms and carrying me through the anguish, I definitely would not be starting school next week and I believe I would still be homeless. 

In the last few years of Jeremy's life, he did all the house work, whether he worked all day or not. I fell a fractured my left humerus bone (top arm bone), and I shattered my elbow in 2014, and Jeremy didn't want me to over do it when it came to putting weight on my arm. Even though I was perfectly capable of doing plenty of stuff, he just wasn't hearing about me lifting anything heavy (even 2 and 3 years after my arm surgery). Thing is, I have a metal plate on the bone and 18 screws in my elbow, and even a little over 6 years later,if I pick too much weight it is brutal on my arm. 

Anyway, before I get too chatty, I'mma go.

 

 

[KayC]

Someone once presented me with this for having survived...although our survival is ongoing and never limited to the first year, still, I feel we all deserve one for having made it a year, who'd have thought we'd make it a week!   So here's for you, @Monaron!