Lost my husband suddenly...

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, Dey said:

I was never afraid to be alone, being alone doesn't mean I am lonely.. but now I'm so lonely, the loneliness is suffocating.

That is it exactly.  It's not being alone; it's being alone without my love.  I was not an incompetent ninny before I met him and I don't think I am one now, but having to deal with life alone is different because he is not here.  My strong partner, my confidant, my best friend and lover, my everything.  And losing that makes me wonder about everything else, this life I'm forced to live now.

I'd say almost everyone here can relate to those feelings you're having.  I'm sorry to say, it is completely normal, especially in the first several months.  For me, it has gotten somewhat easier to bear as time has begun to soften the sharp, raw, constant pain of my grief.  Time does help, though I didn't believe it would at first.  I have not and will not move on, but I am hoping to continue taking baby steps forward, carrying my love and my grief with me. 

Right now, all you should focus on is getting through each day.  Please, I urge you not to let anyone pressure into doing anything.  The decisions you make for yourself and your son are yours alone.  It's fine to consider the wishes of family, but it's not okay for them to insist that you do what they want.  I understand how important carrying on the family traditions are and that having a successor is part of that, especially in a culture such as yours.  But carrying on your life the best way for you and your son should be your priority and even your in-laws need to respect that.

[Dey]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

they say not to make big decisions in the first year, I didn't have clarity for much longer than that.

Yes I don't have clarity or stability both mentally and physically at the moment for making any decision. I realize that. I told it honestly to whoever asking what's my plan next. It's better I told that than keep dealing with them over and over again, I already have too much to bear everyday for surviving a moment at a time. 

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Our feelings running the gamut are to be expected and can change in the blink of an eye.

Are these going to be better @KayC? I mean, the mood swings, it really draining me out these days. I don't think I can't get over losing Sam completely, but at the same times I know I have big responsibility, my son. I want to be his mother, his parent, his rock, his life is still full ahead, I want to give him normal upbringing (as normal as having only one parent without his best daddy/partner in crime around physically). I'm sorry if my question seems insensitive (or weird?), but you really help me a lot in this forum, and you seem to be so wise, nice and understand this grieving more than I do..

[Dey]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

That is it exactly.  It's not being alone; it's being alone without my love.  I was not an incompetent ninny before I met him and I don't think I am one now, but having to deal with life alone is different because he is not here.  My strong partner, my confidant, my best friend and lover, my everything.  And losing that makes me wonder about everything else, this life I'm forced to live now.

Yes, you write it better than I do. This is how exactly I'm feeling now. Everything feels different without him. I'm losing half my confidence, capabilities, etc.. because we were one before, now without him I'm only half I used to be. I need time and lots of transition to work and function again, but it still not the same. Big parts of me is forever missing.

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'd say almost everyone here can relate to those feelings you're having.  I'm sorry to say, it is completely normal, especially in the first several months.  For me, it has gotten somewhat easier to bear as time has begun to soften the sharp, raw, constant pain of my grief.  Time does help, though I didn't believe it would at first.  I have not and will not move on, but I am hoping to continue taking baby steps forward, carrying my love and my grief with me. 

Thank you for sharing your experience, reading it make me feel little hopeful  that in time I (at least) can adapt and make my own new normal. I don't think I ever get back to the "normal" me before, I love him for as long as I live, his love and our moments together make me as I am now. But I still have obligation, raising my child. I want him to be good, independent, level headed and kind man, so he can be strong and capable to deal with hardships of life when his time facing real life come. I hope and pray that I can do it, I have time to accompany him during his journey. 

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

But carrying on your life the best way for you and your son should be your priority and even your in-laws need to respect that.

Again thank you for giving me supportive words, I need that. 

[foreverhis]

39 minutes ago, Dey said:

Yes, you write it better than I do.

That is very kind of you to say.  I think you write very well, especially considering that English is not your first language.  When you write "we were one before, now without him I'm only half I used to be" you capture exactly how almost all of us feel.

51 minutes ago, Dey said:

I don't think I ever get back to the "normal" me before, I love him for as long as I live, his love and our moments together make me as I am now.

No, you almost certainly will not because the lives we had before no longer exist.  And yes, the love and life you shared together have made you who you are now.  I believe that is a good thing because it means that you were lucky enough to find each other and have that life together.  Sadly, it also means that the deep love you share results in deep pain in losing him.  The members here also understand that.  You truly are not alone.

We will always be here to help, to give advice when asked, to comfort as we can because we are all walking similar paths, together.

[Missy1]

@foreverhisThat was a beautiful and honest reply.
Your words of wisdom are like gold nuggets, so valuable if only we could except the truths, our rational brain understands but our hearts are forever broken. This is the true struggle...

[Dey]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

No, you almost certainly will not because the lives we had before no longer exist.  And yes, the love and life you shared together have made you who you are now.  I believe that is a good thing because it means that you were lucky enough to find each other and have that life together.  Sadly, it also means that the deep love you share results in deep pain in losing him.  The members here also understand that.  You truly are not alone.

I guess as the saying goes, "the more you love the more it hurts" can be applied for me. Because I love him deeply and wholeheartedly, the pains of losing him are also much deeper and hurtful. Yes talking to the forum helps me a lot. I am not affraid showing my true feeling, my honest condition here, something I can't share with many people in outside world.

2 hours ago, Missy1 said:

if only we could except the truths, our rational brain understands but our hearts are forever broken. This is the true struggle...

Same @Missy1 my brain and logic understand, but my heart contradicts it... and at this moment, heart wins.

[Dey]

how have you been dear?

I'm here missing you

I still feel your presence near

keeping me warm all day through...

 

maybe in times I can think of you with a smile

our precious memories should be cherished

because those are so worthwhile

I don't want them to be perished

 

how have you been darling?

today I cooked your fave food

I didn't realize I was crying

Honestly babe, I'm not doing good....

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Dey said:

Are these going to be better @KayC? I mean, the mood swings, it really draining me out these days.

This is not an insensitive question in the least!  I knew nothing about grief to this extent when I lost my George...I'd had other losses but they're not the same.  To answer your question, yes.  I can't say when the adjustments to this are so gradual as to seem imperceptible except one day you'll look back at the beginning and see how far you've come.  I liken what this trauma is as a severe brain trauma, we wouldn't expect to be back to normal after that, this is no different.  But we do gradually get more functional and the brain fog diminishes in time.  I do think my ability to focus was permanently damaged, mostly it came back but not 100%.

 

15 hours ago, Dey said:

I don't think I ever get back to the "normal" me before

No, that person and their life is gone as we knew it.  When we've processed our grief a bit more and adjusted as much as one can, we are left with what they call "a new normal" even though it may not FEEL "normal" to us.  I never really liked that term but in reading grief counselor's writings, I've come to understand their usage a bit better.

 

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, Missy1 said:

our rational brain understands but our hearts are forever broken. This is the true struggle...

Yes, the fight between our brains and our hearts is ongoing, probably for the rest of my life.  I've come to realize what some members, like KayC, have known for some time, that accepting means only that we accept that our soulmates are gone from his world.  It does not mean we accept that it is right or fair because it wasn't and isn't.   It simply isn't fair and there's no way around that.

I've stopped asking why, except as I continue to struggle with guilt over not being able to save my husband, because we will not get an answer now or maybe ever.  I've said before that, when it's my time and if I get there (wherever "there" might be) that God "has some 'splaining to do."  (There I go showing my age; I'm not old enough to have watched it live, but "I Love Lucy" reruns seemed to be on all the time when I was a kid in the '60s.)

There's a line I'm trying to dig out of my brain.  It was from the series M*A*S*H and goes something like, "If we're ever told we have to go to purgatory, we can say, 'No thanks, I've already been there'."  Of course, that was about being in a war, but I'm not convinced that fighting our way through the rest of our lives now isn't a bit like a war between our minds and hearts.

All we can do is keep muddling through, one day at a time, and know that someday, somehow we will be with our soulmates again.  That bond is one that I do not believe can be broken, not even by death.  Knowing that helps me get out of bed each day.

[Dey]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I never really liked that term but in reading grief counselor's writings, I've come to understand their usage a bit better.

Me neither. But I read a lot about it when reading about grieving. The first few times I read about "new normal" I was like what is this? New normal for who, me or other people? Maybe through outsider's eyes when, sometimes in the future, I get back on my feet, continue living my life, smiles again, going out/have social life, or whatever, they call it I finally move on. But I know better I'll never move on. Maybe I'd be more accepted, but move on? Certainly not. Having him and losing him has been a part of me.  Friends named us love birds couple, we were one package and loyal to each other from day 1, we went out and did everything together. We loved each other deeply, now it hurts deeply losing him.

But I come to get used to the term "new normal" now, especially reading some members here explain it better than those writings.

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Yes, the fight between our brains and our hearts is ongoing, probably for the rest of my life.  I've come to realize what some members, like KayC, have known for some time, that accepting means only that we accept that our soulmates are gone from his world.  It does not mean we accept that it is right or fair because it wasn't and isn't.   It simply isn't fair and there's no way around that.

Yes it's unfair, I feel I was robbed or cheated because he's gone and left me with the memories and stuffs, leave me raising our kid alone. It's him that wanted to have children more, I was not a motherly kind actually, but we'd agreed upon it, and I have no regret having my son, I love him so so dearly. It's unfair seeing another couple holding hands or grow old together now, that's what we talked and imagined a lot before. It's unfair that Sam will never see Tian graduate from school, or meeting his someone special, getting to know her.. all of that, and still so many unfairness that I can't name.

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

There's a line I'm trying to dig out of my brain.  It was from the series M*A*S*H and goes something like, "If we're ever told we have to go to purgatory, we can say, 'No thanks, I've already been there'."  Of course, that was about being in a war, but I'm not convinced that fighting our way through the rest of our lives now isn't a bit like a war between our minds and hearts.

It is! 

[jwahlquist]

7 hours ago, Dey said:

Yes it's unfair, I feel I was robbed or cheated because he's gone and left me with the memories and stuffs, leave me raising our kid alone.

I know it is unfair.  It is unfair for our kids too.  My daughter and her dad were so close.   They had similar personalities, sense of humor, hobbies, things they enjoyed.  They truly were two peas in a pod.   I have wished many times that it could have been me instead. My daughter would have been better off.  Now I have to figure out how to make a relationship work so we can function as a family of two.  He was always our peace keeper and foundation of our house.  

[Dey]

6 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I know it is unfair.  It is unfair for our kids too.  My daughter and her dad were so close.   

Yes, it's unfair for them too. My son doesn't blatantly show his grieving in front of me. But I know when he misses him, he would hug me tightly and he does this often. I tell him it's okay to cry, boys, even big boys like daddy are allowed to cry too. Or if he feels angry or unfair, just let mommy knows. My son loses his best confidant, his best friend, his partner in everything. Sam's best dad. 

6 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I have wished many times that it could have been me instead. My daughter would have been better off.  Now I have to figure out how to make a relationship work so we can function as a family of two.

I believe your daughter doesn't want to lose you as much as he doesn't want to lose her father too. But I have to agree, I'm struggling to figure out how to adapt to my condition and how me and my son's relation now that we're left as two, no longer 3..

 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Yes, the fight between our brains and our hearts is ongoing, probably for the rest of my life.  I've come to realize what some members, like KayC, have known for some time, that accepting means only that we accept that our soulmates are gone from his world.  It does not mean we accept that it is right or fair because it wasn't and isn't.   It simply isn't fair and there's no way around that.

I've stopped asking why, except as I continue to struggle with guilt over not being able to save my husband, because we will not get an answer now or maybe ever.  I've said before that, when it's my time and if I get there (wherever "there" might be) that God "has some 'splaining to do."  (There I go showing my age; I'm not old enough to have watched it live, but "I Love Lucy" reruns seemed to be on all the time when I was a kid in the '60s.)

There's a line I'm trying to dig out of my brain.  It was from the series M*A*S*H and goes something like, "If we're ever told we have to go to purgatory, we can say, 'No thanks, I've already been there'."  Of course, that was about being in a war, but I'm not convinced that fighting our way through the rest of our lives now isn't a bit like a war between our minds and hearts.

All we can do is keep muddling through, one day at a time, and know that someday, somehow we will be with our soulmates again.  That bond is one that I do not believe can be broken, not even by death.  Knowing that helps me get out of bed each day.

Amen to all of this!  You have a great way of expressing things.  I long ago quit asking why, never got any answers and it never helped me.  But I figure by the time I get there and am with him again, it will all be a moot point, all of this sorrow will be past and we'll just be happy being together again.

[Dey]

Maybe I should learn to accept that there's no answer. It's hard. 

Today mom inlaws called and expressed her disappointment because I rarely pick up her phone now. Yes I do avoid her a bit, it just that we have different ways in expressing our feeling. Whenever she call she ask me again and again to relive the last moment of Sam's life. She told me she need to hear that. I told her it hurt me to keep reliving that memory, it still traumatize me, but she said please just one more time. I need to find a way to let her know her request really bothering me up. Maybe I tell about it with Father inlaws. I don't want to hurt her and make her sadder, I know it's her way to express her loss of her son.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, Dey said:

Whenever she call she ask me again and again to relive the last moment of Sam's life. She told me she need to hear that. I told her it hurt me to keep reliving that memory, it still traumatize me, but she said please just one more time. I need to find a way to let her know her request really bothering me up

This isn't at all the same, but maybe a bit related.

For the first several months after my love died and after the initial shock was resolving, I tried to tell our daughter how losing her dad was affecting me.  That's really difficult for me anyway, but she made it harder by replying with, "I'm grieving too" every time.

Finally, one day I told her that I would never, never minimize or diminish her grief over losing just about the best dad in the world, but that if she couldn't or wouldn't listen to me and what I was feeling and experiencing, then I was going to have to stop talking and hang up the phone just then.  I wouldn't have slammed it down or yelled at her, but I simply couldn't talk to her if she wouldn't let me express myself without interruption or comparison.  That shocked her.  She begged me not to hang up and said she'd just listen.  It helped.

It might be a good idea to talk to your father in law, but only if you think he will truly listen to you and be sensitive to what you need.  While I can certainly understand your mother in law feeling like hearing "just one more time" what her son's last moments were like will help her, her desire for that is re-traumatizing you every time.  It sounds as if you're long past the ability to revisit the immediate pain yet again--as if you don't feel it, hear it, and see it every day no matter what.  Maybe you could ask her what it is that she's not hearing that will help her in her grieving?  I think at a minimum, you need to tell her flat out that you simply cannot keep reliving it and that if she continues to insist on hearing it every time she calls, then you are going to have to tell her, firmly but gently, that you can't go through it yet again, and hang up the phone.  And then do that.  I realize how hard it might be, especially in your culture, to be that firm with your in laws, but the truth is that you must consider you emotional and physical well being, as well as that of your son, over anything else. 

Is there an element, any bit at all, that seems as if she's looking for someone to blame?  It's only natural that we want to be able to figure out the why's and how's.  Do you feel that she somehow believes you should have been able to save him?  If so, then maybe it would be good for you and his doctor to explain to her that you couldn't.  If you're like most of us, you deal with your own feelings of regret and guilt; you don't need anyone else piling on while you're trying to come to grips with the fact that you did everything you could.

Knowing that she is insisting on hearing the story over and over and over makes me even more certain that moving in with your in laws would not be healthy for either you or your son.  At least, not now.  Imagine how it would be if every day you got up and there she was wanting you to describe your love's death yet again.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Dey said:

I told her it hurt me to keep reliving that memory, it still traumatize me, but she said please just one more time.

For gosh sake, why can't she get it when you've told her plainly!  Has she no one else she can tell this to?  How about her husband?  A friend?  NOT YOU!  I'm sorry.  

[Dey]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Is there an element, any bit at all, that seems as if she's looking for someone to blame?  It's only natural that we want to be able to figure out the why's and how's.  Do you feel that she somehow believes you should have been able to save him?

I try not to feel that way, but yes she does. She'd blame anything she can think of, sometimes random stuffs. I try to be as understanding as I can about his mom, keep telling myself she's in denial (or whatever) stage, that she need someone or something to blame. But it just can't be me. I have too many in my plates already. That's why I avoided her calls, but still reply to her mesages or message her everyday to check in on her. As Asian, it's our culture to be filial to our elders and parents, this is how I was raised, so I always feel guilty whenever avoiding her calls, but I need to do that to keep my sanity intact. This added to another unpleasant moments between me and inlaws. Before, his siblings yelled at me when I called them to notify Sam's gone. They pushed me to take him to another hospital with better equipment, or having 2nd opinion. They have apologized after that, they said it happened bcs they were shocked, but it had  left deep scar on me.

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

For the first several months after my love died and after the initial shock was resolving, I tried to tell our daughter how losing her dad was affecting me.  That's really difficult for me anyway, but she made it harder by replying with, "I'm grieving too" every time.

Finally, one day I told her that I would never, never minimize or diminish her grief over losing just about the best dad in the world, but that if she couldn't or wouldn't listen to me and what I was feeling and experiencing, then I was going to have to stop talking and hang up the phone just then.  I wouldn't have slammed it down or yelled at her, but I simply couldn't talk to her if she wouldn't let me express myself without interruption or comparison.  That shocked her.  She begged me not to hang up and said she'd just listen.  It helped.

Thank you for sharing this. This inspires me to maybe someday, when the time is right I hope soon, I will sit down and have a heart to heart talk with my son too. Things I learn from losing Sam's unexpectedly are to express your feeling sincerely to your love ones and treat them preciously. Life and time are so fragile, I must appreciate every seconds I have. They are many things I hadn't said to Sam. I just hope he knows I love him and forgives me for not taking better care of him.

4 hours ago, KayC said:

For gosh sake, why can't she get it when you've told her plainly!  Has she no one else she can tell this to?  How about her husband?  A friend?  NOT YOU!  I'm sorry.  

She might already talk the same things to father inlaws, or her friends or her neighbors too. Mom inlaws' character is a bit....unique. She's very outspoken and chatty without filter, sometimes she doesn't realize that her words can hurt or insensitive. But I see pass it and understand that she actually has good heart. Even Sam once told me only I can tolerate his mom's talks, even he couldn't listen more than 30 minutes. I replied to him, "I'm married to you so she's also my mom now, she has flaws, but I do too. She gave her blessing to the imperfect me to take care her precious son, the least I can do is try to understand and bear with her." It just that at the moment I'm not in better shape to deal with MIL's antics, I need to focus more on myself and my son first. 

[KayC]

It's a hard position to be in.  I'm sorry it's so difficult.  Trying not to offend but needing to protect yourself at the same time...

[Dey]

Yes, @KayC 

Our culture is a bit different. We were raised to always respect and being filial to elders and parents. Acting rude, talking with loud intonation to them are strictly prohibited. The culture has good and not so good aspects ofc. 

I just need to be more put together and find solution to this matter, my grieving counselor/therapist didn't prescribed me anything on my online consultation last tuesday, she thought I don't need it, at least not yet. she taught me and asked me to try meditation instead. I might try it soon, to see if it works.

[chincube]

@Dey Meditation did and still is helping me. It's something I would have never considered trying, if my boyfriend didn't die. But to my surprise, it helped and it helps me, if not anything but let thoughts sink for if only few minutes at a time. Do try it, I hope it'd help you too.

I'm sorry about the way it is with your MIL, it sounds like a tough situation to handle. A friend of mine who became a widower, encountered something similar to you because his MIL wasn't there when his wife passed. It was very sad, and shocking for an outsider like me at that time. Long story short, at the end the in law was putting all the blames of every "what if" to the husband, and things got very ugly and public. This is an extreme case though. But my point is, as I told you I'm Asian and so are my friends in this story, yet when it got toxic my widower friend got the courage to set the boundary. Unfortunately the boundary had to be that he never met the in laws again, and the kids are cut off with his late wife's family. However I completely understand that, he has to do what he has to do. When too much is too much, it cannot even be healthy for the kids as well...

So don't feel guilty to set some boundary or avoid her calls, you have done nothing wrong. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to do what you have to do as well - you have to take care of yourself and your son, both physically and emotionally, and that is a lot already. You can't possibly take on your MIL as well and take care of her emotionally needs, it sounds harsh, but it has to be someone else's job for now. 

[jwahlquist]

6 hours ago, Dey said:

They are many things I hadn't said to Sam. I just hope he knows I love him and forgives me for not taking better care of him.

My daughter’s therapist had us start a response journal.   So we write back and forth to talk about how we are feeling.  My daughter is always reluctant to talk about her feelings but she will write a response to me and my questions.   So if you struggle with discussing feelings or your son does.....maybe that could be something to try.  

[Dey]

9 hours ago, chincube said:

But my point is, as I told you I'm Asian and so are my friends in this story

Yes, Asians may understand more about the culture or my family/inlaws problems. I think I'd find a way to apply your (and other members here) suggestion to set boundaries as gently as possible. I need to set my priority, it's me and my son's first. 

9 hours ago, chincube said:

Meditation did and still is helping me. It's something I would have never considered trying, if my boyfriend didn't die. But to my surprise, it helped and it helps me, if not anything but let thoughts sink for if only few minutes at a time. Do try it, I hope it'd help you too.

I tried this today. It did work a bit and for a while, but I lose focus too quickly. Do you have recommendation to improve or what method you use? My counselor's directions are relax, close my eyes, focus on my breathing and don't fight anything that come during meditation, let it go or just accept it while still focus on my breathing. 

5 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

My daughter’s therapist had us start a response journal.   So we write back and forth to talk about how we are feeling.  My daughter is always reluctant to talk about her feelings but she will write a response to me and my questions.   So if you struggle with discussing feelings or your son does.....maybe that could be something to try.  

Thank you for sharing.. another good idea that I think I can apply for me and my son. Again thank you for sharing this, I appreciate it.

[KayC]

@Dey  I was also raised to be respectful to elders, esp. parents, we didn't defy them, never raised voice to them, etc.  BUT my mom was extremely abusive mentally, emotionally, and physically and my father never protected me even though she was way out of control.  My father was an alcoholic, I guess that was his way of dealing with it.  When I got into my 40s I learned to set boundaries and how to let my mom own her own consequences.  I learned not to let her control me or abuse me any more.  It was not only me, but my sisters, she treated my brother differently.  I strongly believe in learning to find your voice, this did not come naturally or easily to me, it took a lot of work, therapy, reading, application.  We can set boundaries respectfully but firmly.  

You all's ideas to meditate and journal are good ones, meditation helps you with calm peace, counteracts anxiety, journaling is a good expressive outlet, releasing and insightful.

 

[KayC]

Here is a thread on my other site that shares lots of meditations https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/7778-meditation/  the pages are full of them, some for beginners.  You might want to check it out.  I've done Belleruth's.

[chincube]

3 hours ago, Dey said:

I tried this today. It did work a bit and for a while, but I lose focus too quickly. Do you have recommendation to improve or what method you use? My counselor's directions are relax, close my eyes, focus on my breathing and don't fight anything that come during meditation, let it go or just accept it while still focus on my breathing. 

I started it using the app "Headspace", which you can do some short free guided meditation for just few minutes. It guides you what to do, I find it easier to focus. After some time I looked for some more longer and free meditations, then I switched to "Insight Timer". It's like a platform people upload meditations, courses, music on it, there are many different kinds of various religious or non-religious, or ones that just aim to relax or help with emotions.

I mainly use guided meditation, especially at times when I struggle with emotions a lot and cannot focus. Other time, I cannot fall asleep with the silence, I just play some sleep music with the app. It is quite nice, because for half a year I could not sleep with silence, until now some nights I still can't sleep and I'd play some sleep music there.

To be honest it's like learning to take care of myself alone all over again.... even to the state of how to put myself to sleep...

Hope it helps

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, Dey said:

They are many things I hadn't said to Sam. I just hope he knows I love him and forgives me for not taking better care of him.

Oh yes, this I understand completely.  I talk to my husband every day and likely always will.  At first, much of what I said centered on me not saving him, asking him to forgive me my flaws and failings, and telling him how much I love and miss him.

I am still struggling with guilt over everything I could have done better, not just while he was fighting his cancer, but during our whole lives together.  I am lucky in that not a single person in my life finds any blame in me, so it's only my own mind and heart finding fault.  I can think of so many things that I "should" or "shouldn't" have done that might have made a difference.  Hindsight is a funny thing.  Of course we search for whatever would have made a difference, whatever would have kept our soulmates here with us now.  To put it bluntly, we are not omnipotent and we don't have all the answers.  We will not, at least not in this life time.  All we can ever do is the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time.

I'm certain that your Sam knows how much you love him and how hard you tried to save him.  There was no way you could have known, there simply wasn't.  With a sudden and unexpected situation, you did your best.  That is all any of us can ask of ourselves.  I admit that it's easy for me to tell you that and to mean it completely, even if I can't quite see that for my own life just yet.  But I know it to be true.

I'm sorry that Sam's siblings lashed out at you the way they did.  Though it's good that they've apologized, the pain of what they said and how they acted will be with you always.  It's not as if you can just forget it, especially if your mother in law is repeatedly trying to blame you for something that was out of your control.

I don't think it's wrong at all for you to avoid some of your mother in law's calls because you know how much trauma they bring, how hard it is to keep reliving those moments.  I don't know her, so my thoughts on this may be way off, but it's possible that in her anger and pain, she is intentionally trying to hurt you or find some way to say, "It's your fault!"  Almost as if she is punishing you for a situation that was beyond your control.

The thing is that, regardless of culture, there comes a time when we must stand firm for our own sanity.  It does not need to be unkind, but for your sake and your son's, you will have to put your foot down about how much pain she is causing you.  You are right that one of the lessons we've all learned is that life is precious and fragile.  Life is indeed too short to spend it defending yourself over and over.

I'm sending you all the warm, comforting thoughts in the world.  I can tell from what you write, the way you talk about your Sam, that you adored each other.  That too is precious.  So is the bond between you that remains unbroken even in death.  My heart hurts for you and your son.  Please keep coming here to talk and question and be among others who understand in ways that those who haven't experienced this cannot.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I strongly believe in learning to find your voice, this did not come naturally or easily to me, it took a lot of work, therapy, reading, application.  We can set boundaries respectfully but firmly.  

In my family, I was expected to be and was "the good daughter" growing up and well into adulthood.  My brother was allowed to be...not so much.  I had all the responsibilities and would be in trouble if I even looked like I was thinking about sassing back.  When my much younger baby sister, a mid-life surprise for my parents, was born, I had a lot more responsibility.  My sister and I have always been extremely close, in part because we had each other to simply love.  She says I helped raise her as much as our parents did and she appreciates it.

My parents were not bad people, not at all, but they were not particularly demonstrative in their love and were more apt to criticize than to praise.  They were not abusive or uncaring.  They simply didn't give the comfort and support that would have been beneficial to our relationships, especially as I got older.

I had a very hard time finding the strength to speak up for myself.  It took years into my own marriage to be able to do that.  Bless my husband for allowing me the time to build that strength, through a bit of therapy and self-reflection and learning to be a parent myself.  And even then, I was not always great at standing up for myself.  I had and have a tendency to placate and soothe others, especially where my parents were concerned.

So I really do understand how hard it can be to stand up for ourselves in a way that is firm, but gentle.  And it can be (and is) even harder when it's our parents or in laws.  I will admit that I didn't have much of a relationship with my own in laws because they were alcoholics who drove my husband away after decades of him doing his best to be a good son.  But when they tried to get him to "referee" one of their fights for the thousandth time, he told them flat out that he had had enough and their behavior was harming his own daughter and his own family.  They did stop drinking 25 years ago, which was good, but the damage was done.  My love said he couldn't trust them to have a close relationship, but we did see them once in a while.  My mother in law was always perfectly nice to me, if a bit distant, but his dad generally treated me as if I was barely there at all.  I guess I'm lucky that they both died before my husband did because I'm certain they would have played the blame game--even though they rarely made the effort to be there for him. 

His sister, who considers herself my sister too, is and always has been very close to us.  She's been a tremendous source of caring and comfort, and tells me often how lucky her brother was to have me as his wife.  I can't tell you how good it is to have that kind of support.  It would have been terribly easy for his sister to look for someone to blame, that is me.  She didn't.  One other way that I'm lucky is that my much younger sister (I was a teenager when she was born--oh ick, I knew how "that" happened) and our daughter have been great pals for a long time.  Their age difference is such that my sister has always been like a "big sister" to our daughter.  Actually, their age difference is less than that between my sister and me.  They call each other sisters, rather than aunt and niece.  My sister has been another great support for our daughter and granddaughter.

In my experience, family relationships are the trickiest ones to navigate, no matter whether something good or bad happens.

[Dey]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

BUT my mom was extremely abusive mentally, emotionally, and physically and my father never protected me even though she was way out of control.  My father was an alcoholic, I guess that was his way of dealing with it.  When I got into my 40s I learned to set boundaries and how to let my mom own her own consequences.  I learned not to let her control me or abuse me any more.  It was not only me, but my sisters, she treated my brother differently.  I strongly believe in learning to find your voice, this did not come naturally or easily to me, it took a lot of work, therapy, reading, application.  We can set boundaries respectfully but firmly.  

I'm so sorry for you went through such difficult upbringing. Thank you that you're willing share it with me. Yes, it's confusing and frustrating for me when the needs to take care of myself and my son first clash with the norms that was taught since i was a kid. I realize that all this time, Sam shielded me from many thing, so that I could live less stressful life, I didn't have to worry about a lot of things, including his family matters. But now I have to stand on my own, for myself and for my son. I will take some time to think deeply about what I should do with inlaws matters. It's hard to make decisions on your own when you're used to discuss everything with your someone before. I wish he is still here.

@KayC @chincube thank you for the pointers and the info. I will look them up and see if I can find something that suit me. Yes, guided meditation is easier to follow up for beginner like me. I also want to try music to help me sleep. My body is exhausted, I can feel it, but I can hardly sleep longer that 4 hours a day. 

[Dey]

 

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Oh yes, this I understand completely.  I talk to my husband every day and likely always will.  At first, much of what I said centered on me not saving him, asking him to forgive me my flaws and failings, and telling him how much I love and miss him.

I am still struggling with guilt over everything I could have done better, not just while he was fighting his cancer, but during our whole lives together.  I am lucky in that not a single person in my life finds any blame in me, so it's only my own mind and heart finding fault.  I can think of so many things that I "should" or "shouldn't" have done that might have made a difference.  Hindsight is a funny thing.  Of course we search for whatever would have made a difference, whatever would have kept our soulmates here with us now.  To put it bluntly, we are not omnipotent and we don't have all the answers.  We will not, at least not in this life time.  All we can ever do is the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time.

You have way with words, i said this before, you write beautifully, it's like reading my own thoughts being rephrased with better words. Yes about the guilt, it's what's eating me up these days. I feel guilty in about anything, I feel guilty when laughing to my son's joke, I feel guilty for not being fully function mom to him, I feel guilty for not always pick up mom in laws calls. But most of all I feel guilty for not being stronger or more capable. My head keep telling me I'm not that worthless, but as of now, it's hard to believe that. 

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm sending you all the warm, comforting thoughts in the world.  I can tell from what you write, the way you talk about your Sam, that you adored each other.  That too is precious.  So is the bond between you that remains unbroken even in death.  My heart hurts for you and your son.  Please keep coming here to talk and question and be among others who understand in ways that those who haven't experienced this cannot.

Thank you, it is indeed different talking to people who understand and those who haven't been through it. I see some friends or relatives even feel reluctant or avoid talking about it, maybe the topic of losing someone, especially your love ones is so scary, they don't know what to say or do, don't even want to think or imagine if this too can happen to them. I was one of them before... 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

My sister and I have always been extremely close, in part because we had each other to simply love.

I can relate.  There were five of us girls and lastly a boy.  He got away with everything, less expectation, didn't get abused like us girls.  He got into trouble, us girls were always good.  But my dad died when he was 14 and when he totaled my mom's car (he was 17) he went to work to buy her another one and has been mature and responsible ever since, working three jobs, married with five children, all grown but one now.  Us girls have all been close, we're all each other had growing up.  We support each other even in our differences.  The boy chose not to be part of us, clinging to his wife's family.  We've included him as he allowed.  He was great to my mom all her life but then so were we.  She left everything to him, like none of us girls meant anything.

15 hours ago, Dey said:

It's hard to make decisions on your own when you're used to discuss everything with your someone before.

I understand, I feel the same.

14 hours ago, Dey said:

I feel guilty for not being stronger or more capable.

One of the things I've learned since losing George is to be my own best friend now that he, my best friend, isn't here.  Part of that is forgiving yourself, accepting yourself, and learning to let go of guilt.  I've had to look at guilt's purpose, which is to bring about needed change.  Once we've done that or no longer see the need for it, we can let it go.  Much of what we FEEL guilty for is false guilt, which does no good and we can let go of it just like dross in the wind.  Blow it away, wave goodbye to it.  Sometimes it helps me to visualize like that.

 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

She left everything to him, like none of us girls meant anything.

Oh that sucks!  It doesn't even matter if it's a lot or a little.  When they retired, my parents sold their home and moved into a small place where they had many friends already and that was close to us.  First, they took some of the money and gave each of us three kids a portion to help with down payments for a home.  My husband and I had been saving for a really long time and that gift, that early inheritance, pushed us over the "can we afford a small house?" edge so that we could put 25% down on a small, but decent, older home with views to die for.  The realtors and banks kept saying, "Oh, you can afford a bigger mortgage," but we said no.  We didn't want to be "house poor," thank you very much.

I had already been the good daughter growing up, the one with all the chores and responsibilities.  My husband and I were always there for my parents in their retirement.  We helped them with things, invited them over often, etc.  After my dad died, we were always there for my mom--and frankly, my husband got huge points for not strangling her sometimes.  She was often...challenging.  As she got older and had medical problems, I went to appointments with her.  We cared for her through two cancers, including the pancreatic cancer that took her.  My siblings lived 5 and 7 hours away, so they were there only sporadically, though my sister and her husband invited my parents/mom to visit several times a year, and they came down here to stay with us two or three times a year, including a couple of holidays.  But all the other special days were on my husband and me.  All the "we need help with..." was on us.  All the caretaking was on us.

Here's what's different from your situation:  My parents acknowledged that I had always been the family caretaker, responsible for far more than my fair share.  So they gave me and my husband extras like a money for a little getaway or some special "thing" we might have wanted but were still saving for.  Then, when my mom died she left their moderate mobile home (gorgeous location about 5 minutes from us and in a really nice park) to me and my husband.  She also left my husband a significant portion of the remainder of their retirement savings.  Neither amounted to a fortune, but it made a real difference in our lives. My brother got a bit of money and many possessions (nothing fancy, but decent quality); my sister got more money than my brother and some things she had specifically requested.  Here's the kicker.  My sister and her husband were all in on my husband and me getting the lion's share.  She said flat out and told my brother the same that I had earned it and so had my husband.  My brother was furious and we are now estranged.  He felt he deserved an equal share just for being the son.  Yeah, my mom felt differently and I wasn't going to complain.

I'm sorry your mother treated you and your sisters as if you were nothing and your brother was everything just for being "the boy."

[Dey]

My son had his episode today.. and it's heartbreaking seeing him crying, said he missed daddy.. he begged me to visit daddy's graveyard today, but we still can't because the lockdown is extended for another 2 weeks in my area. I hate it that we can't even go there at the time being but what can I do? We ended up crying together. My son then lit candle for his daddy. 

[Dey]

18 hours ago, KayC said:

One of the things I've learned since losing George is to be my own best friend now that he, my best friend, isn't here.  Part of that is forgiving yourself, accepting yourself, and learning to let go of guilt.  I've had to look at guilt's purpose, which is to bring about needed change.  Once we've done that or no longer see the need for it, we can let it go.  Much of what we FEEL guilty for is false guilt, which does no good and we can let go of it just like dross in the wind.  Blow it away, wave goodbye to it.  Sometimes it helps me to visualize like that.

I have no other choice than stand on my own now @KayC my husband and best friend has passed away. He's irreplaceable anyway. 

18 hours ago, KayC said:

There were five of us girls and lastly a boy.  He got away with everything, less expectation, didn't get abused like us girls.

Sound something like how Asian families treat son and daughter differently. Son has so much privilege that daughter, even in my family, that considered loving, my brother always got more, and more tolerant treatment. This also applies to inheritance or family's possession  and assets (if any). 

13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

My brother got a bit of money and many possessions (nothing fancy, but decent quality); my sister got more money than my brother and some things she had specifically requested.  Here's the kicker.  My sister and her husband were all in on my husband and me getting the lion's share.  She said flat out and told my brother the same that I had earned it and so had my husband.  My brother was furious and we are now estranged.  He felt he deserved an equal share just for being the son. 

It's so sad that just because of that the relationship between siblings is no longer close. 

[chincube]

1 hour ago, Dey said:

My son had his episode today.. and it's heartbreaking seeing him crying, said he missed daddy.. he begged me to visit daddy's graveyard today, but we still can't because the lockdown is extended for another 2 weeks in my area. I hate it that we can't even go there at the time being but what can I do? We ended up crying together. My son then lit candle for his daddy. 

I'm sorry your son is having a bad day, and cannot go to his dad's grave. But lighting a candle is a very good idea, it can be a "ceremony" to release that surge of need to "do something" to mourn. My boyfriend and I live half a world apart, I couldn't go to his funeral, I can't go to his grave whenever I want (which might actually be doing me good, as whenever I went I almost always pass out from crying... and someone would have to drag me home). One "ceremonial" thing I do when I'm alone is, when I really cannot bear it, I light a candle in the dark. Which was almost everyday for a year, and maybe 3 or 5 days out of a week now.

So while people are stocking up toilet paper, I'm stocking up candles.... 

[KayC]

Dey, having your son light a candle is a good idea, something he can do, a way of expressing how he feels.

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

My brother was furious and we are now estranged.

I am sorry, that happens more often than not.  It didn't change how us girls felt about our brother, he'd earned it and then some but then so had we, but instead of holding it against someone we just chalked it up to her mental issues.  She didn't like that her brothers were preferred over her so how could she then repeat that legacy?  No answers, but people often do what they've learned, even if they don't like it.

 

[Dey]

12 hours ago, chincube said:

I'm sorry your son is having a bad day, and cannot go to his dad's grave. But lighting a candle is a very good idea, it can be a "ceremony" to release that surge of need to "do something" to mourn. My boyfriend and I live half a world apart, I couldn't go to his funeral, I can't go to his grave whenever I want (which might actually be doing me good, as whenever I went I almost always pass out from crying... and someone would have to drag me home). One "ceremonial" thing I do when I'm alone is, when I really cannot bear it, I light a candle in the dark. Which was almost everyday for a year, and maybe 3 or 5 days out of a week now.

I don't know how I will be when I finally able to visit Sam's grave. Maybe I would cry like a lunatic or I don't want to leave instead, I really don't know. We haven't gone there since the funeral. With this covid's isolation me and my son can't go there yet no matter how much we want to. 

Yes, lighting a candle is my ritual now. When everything seems so hard and I almost give up, I lit a candle for him. I make memorial table in one corner of my living room, arange it with his pics, flower and candles. 

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Dey, having your son light a candle is a good idea, something he can do, a way of expressing how he feels.

I'm really grateful that I'm blessed with such wonderful son, most of the times he finds  his own way to express his feeling and cherish his daddy. He rides around our yard with Sam's bike since we can't go out, he asked if he can keep daddy's bike as his, he said it make him feel like riding with daddy, biking was their thing. He made a compilation video and pictures of him and daddy, then share it on family group's chat. But my son still needs my hug and shoulder to cry on when things got too difficult. He misses his daddy a lot. And I miss my husband a lot.

[KayC]

I love this picture of the two of you, handsome couple.  I know it's hard.  I wish I could wave a magic wand so no one would ever have to experience this again.

[Dey]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I love this picture of the two of you, handsome couple. 

Thank you for the compliment @KayC. He's my most handsome and attractive man, only in my eyes ofc. And I appreciate and grateful that he's one-woman man, here where I live,  the practice of polygamy is still "acceptable". We live in country where the majority  of citizens are moslems, although we aren't moslems ourselves. Despite the flaws and all he was a keeper for me. My marriage was far from perfect, but throughout that journey I never had any intended to separate. 

The meditation really helps. I still cry a river and sad most of the time. But during the silence of meditation I somehow finally see many simple little things in life I should be grateful. I consider today one calmer day. I maybe back to have another episodes soon, but at least I have some minutes in calmness today.

8 hours ago, KayC said:

 I know it's hard.  I wish I could wave a magic wand so no one would ever have to experience this again.

Don't we all? It's been hard for all of us here. 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Dey said:

He's my most handsome and attractive man, only in my eyes ofc.

It is a wonderful picture.  You are both lovely and you make a beautiful couple.  I'm so sorry for everything you are going through, both on your own with your son and dealing with your in laws.

I do believe that we always see our soulmates through the eyes of love.  My husband was as handsome to me when he was in his 60s as he was in his 30s.  I only ever just saw him.  The changes of time and age register, but they don't matter.  And he always found me attractive and desirable, even as I got older and had to wonder why he did.  It didn't matter to him because he just loved me.

[Missy1]

Agree, young we were a  beautiful couple. we feel in love, we had chemistry when we first met. We were inseparable from that day forward. Over 30 yrs we aged got a bit out of shape, but saw each other with those same eyes,nothing changed to us. He was gorgeous and I remember thinking, seeing him on his last day in ICU, How was handsome he looked he was the most beautiful person I ever met inside and out I still don’t know how I’m gonna live without him, I don’t know... I feel the loss so profoundly, a chunk of me is gone, I am hollow. My life continues but my spirit is forever crushed.  

[Dey]

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I do believe that we always see our soulmates through the eyes of love.

Yes, he maybe imperfect and has many flaws for other people, but to me he's the most lovely person in the world. In the silence during my meditation last night I realize I should consider myself lucky for finding and had chances to experience wonderful life with my soulmate, many people search their soulmate but never get to meet theirs, some then settle with lesser, some undergo heartbreaks in love. I'm going through heartbreak now too, but not because lies, cheating, or betrayal but because I am separated with my soulmates. I'm proud to say both of us stay true to our vows, ..........til death do us part. I am lucky because someone special love me wholeheartedly til his last breath and I will too to him till my last breath, Sam's also lucky, his most precious people were there on his last time. Maybe someday when I'm stronger and clarity sets in, I can look back and see the beauty of our story. Right now, everything seems blur to me, it's just too painful.

2 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I feel the loss so profoundly, a chunk of me is gone, I am hollow. My life continues but my spirit is forever crushed.  

Exactly how I feel too Missy. Life and the whole world may continue, even the pandemic will be over someday eventually, but us, we aren't whole as we used to, it'us whom never feel the same again. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

And he always found me attractive and desirable, even as I got older and had to wonder why he did.

I was quite attractive in my 40s, in great shape.  Now I'm 67 and the years have left their mark.  I'm 1 lb from goal weight, having lost 49, but this weight does not look the same on me as it did 20+ years ago!  Skin less resilient, wrinkles, hair grey, yet I know he would still find me attractive today as he always looked at me through rose colored glasses.  He never saw anything wrong with me in how I looked or how I was.  It IS like that with love!

But he died young and is forever immortalized in that young physique without the wrinkles, although his hair was graying.  It's weird to be growing old alone and he is still 51 to me...

[Dey]

Today it hits me harder. I can't barely sleep, cry when doing laundry and cleaning.. I end up talking to my husband photo, calling and asking whether he's there, I need him. 

[Missy1]

So sorry, it seems that there are days where we all break down and melt. 
I searched my heart for something to say but I don’t think I am unable to offer much comfort yet

I feel the same as you do it’s just really difficult on those bad days. Try to hang on the good and to love you both shared. 

Again love never dies, you are tied together and will find him again in the afterlife! That is my belief and my faith.
We lost them too soon, I agree, we don’t know why. To honor his love and memory I feel like we have to carry on, endure the pain. As much as I hate to say this I’m glad that he died first  (wish it was much later in life) because if I died first he would be just as lost and hurting like we are now, I will take this pain for him. I would do anything for him, I hate that he had to go but hope he is in a beautiful peaceful place, that is what I wish for him. 

[Dey]

 

14 hours ago, Missy1 said:

As much as I hate to say this I’m glad that he died first  (wish it was much later in life) because if I died first he would be just as lost and hurting like we are now, I will take this pain for him. I would do anything for him, I hate that he had to go but hope he is in a beautiful peaceful place, that is what I wish for him. 

Somewhat I kinda agree with you on this one @Missy1 I dont have the heart to even imagine him enduring all the pain. 

[Missy1]

I wish every day that he was back with me. I am afraid I will forget things about him. I never want his memoirs to fade away. He is always on my mind. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Missy1 said:

As much as I hate to say this I’m glad that he died first  (wish it was much later in life) because if I died first he would be just as lost and hurting like we are now, I will take this pain for him.

That has been my one consolation, that and knowing he doesn't have to stay here suffering.  His heart was severely damaged and would have required a heart transplant, not likely he'd have survived to get one or survived the operation.  He wouldn't have liked being disabled.  It was his work ethic that he needed to work, he couldn't even talk about retirement plans, he was too busy leaving.  But I have mixed feelings because I also wish he were here to keep me company, at least we'd have each other.

Dey, I'm sorry you had a hard day...that happens, all we can do is ride it like the waves.  (((hugs)))

[Dey]

8 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I wish every day that he was back with me. I am afraid I will forget things about him. I never want his memoirs to fade away. He is always on my mind. 

I'm also afraid, so afraid that I will gradually forget about him. That's why I'm hanging on to every memories and stuffs. Sometimes it's hurting more, I relive our memories over and over again then realize I will never experience that again. 

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Dey, I'm sorry you had a hard day...that happens, all we can do is ride it like the waves.  (((hugs)))

I can do nothing except accepting it when it come to me, going wherever it takes me or doing whatever it makes me do. I didn't know that I can cry this much, I'm not the one who easily crying. One thing I'm glad that it's isolation time now is there are no people trying to stop me from crying or drowning myself in sorrow. 

[Dey]

The month of May... it's gonna be hard, if not hardest month now. Our 13th anniversary is near, then 3 days after that it's Sam 1 month's passing, and the next two days is gonna be the the date of our first meeting, 17 years ago.i keep track of special dates, I memorize them. It's gonna be my first anniversary without my husband. I'm scared to even think about it, can I make it through those days..

I remember, in one of our conversations, Sam jokingly said it seems we have deep connections with the month of May, we met in May, we married in May too. I replied to him, that in English "may" is used to express possibilities or wish, so it's a good word, it's a good month. But now I don't feel like May is a good month anymore..

[Monaron]

I am so profoundly sad and sorry for everyone's loss. I lost my husband 1 month ,1 day, 7 hours ago and I just seem to drift from one day to another. I moved to Germany from the us to be with my husband and so Im here in a different country with my family in the us. Travel is not an option at present. I speak basic good German but not enough to keep up with millions questions, papers sent to me. My only resource is my brother in law who was estranged from my husband and does nto really speak to me at all. he said oh I will help ,but I have not heard from him in 4 weeks. My husband was my best friend, my love of my life,,my partner who I wanted to grow old with. He to died beside me in bed. I heard him make a cry and leaped out of bed thinking he was having a bad dream , but when I turned on the light I could see he was gone. I still did CPR until the ambulance came, which seems like forever. I keep replaying his death, the taste of his sweet breath as I did CPR. Funny how we remember something like thinking his breath tasted sweet. I don't see life ahead and I don't know what Im going to do.