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BehindBlueyes2989

Losing a Mother... who I never met...

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BehindBlueyes2989

~~~~ My entire life I have always wondered how it would be the day I would find you. Yes I grew up in a great environment... Thanks to you picking out my adopted parents for me. But there has always been an emptiness inside me. I wonder.. did you hold me that day you gave birth to me... before you gave up your rights?? Throughout the years ... did you think of me on my birthday...? Christimas? Any holiday? Did you even remember my birthday or my older sisters' who you gave up as well? Do I get my loud laugh from you? So many questions to be answered... and even though I know you were addicted to your herion... I always thought you would clean up your life to eventually be part of mine and my sisters lives when we became adults. I would have rather you had cleaned up your life and had a new family that you didnt tell bout us children you left behind instead you losing yourself in your addiction. Finding out that you had passed when I was 5 years old was heartbreaking. I have been searching for you and my sisters forever it seems. Wanting answers... needing to know you and them. I never expected that with finding my sisters I would be abruptly hit in the face with reality that you had been gone this whole time I have been searching for you. I never got the chance... Picking up your ashes has been...THE HARDEST THING I HAVE HAD TO DO IN THE 22 YEARS I HAVE BEEN ON THIS EARTH!!! To look down with you in this plastic box... and realize.. The last time you and I were together.. you were holding me at birth. How do I move on from this? I am so thankful to have my sisters in my life... I have wanted them since I knew of their existance. But you did not leave just me.. YOU LEFT .. MYSELF... PAMELA.. SUSAN.. and so many others who loved you unconditionally. Somewhere along the line you gave up... when you should have had strength and faith in restoring relationships with the children you gave away. How do I cope with not only you dying but this situation at hand?? I am lost... confused.. angry... hurt... tired... I do not know how to deal with this situation... I have been swallowed whole by depression and grief... LOST!!!... Please help me before I lose myself permanently in the chaos of what is my reality!

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BreathofAngel

~~~~ My entire life I have always wondered how it would be the day I would find you. Yes I grew up in a great environment... Thanks to you picking out my adopted parents for me. But there has always been an emptiness inside me. I wonder.. did you hold me that day you gave birth to me... before you gave up your rights?? Throughout the years ... did you think of me on my birthday...? Christimas? Any holiday? Did you even remember my birthday or my older sisters' who you gave up as well? Do I get my loud laugh from you? So many questions to be answered... and even though I know you were addicted to your herion... I always thought you would clean up your life to eventually be part of mine and my sisters lives when we became adults. I would have rather you had cleaned up your life and had a new family that you didnt tell bout us children you left behind instead you losing yourself in your addiction. Finding out that you had passed when I was 5 years old was heartbreaking. I have been searching for you and my sisters forever it seems. Wanting answers... needing to know you and them. I never expected that with finding my sisters I would be abruptly hit in the face with reality that you had been gone this whole time I have been searching for you. I never got the chance... Picking up your ashes has been...THE HARDEST THING I HAVE HAD TO DO IN THE 22 YEARS I HAVE BEEN ON THIS EARTH!!! To look down with you in this plastic box... and realize.. The last time you and I were together.. you were holding me at birth. How do I move on from this? I am so thankful to have my sisters in my life... I have wanted them since I knew of their existance. But you did not leave just me.. YOU LEFT .. MYSELF... PAMELA.. SUSAN.. and so many others who loved you unconditionally. Somewhere along the line you gave up... when you should have had strength and faith in restoring relationships with the children you gave away. How do I cope with not only you dying but this situation at hand?? I am lost... confused.. angry... hurt... tired... I do not know how to deal with this situation... I have been swallowed whole by depression and grief... LOST!!!... Please help me before I lose myself permanently in the chaos of what is my reality!

Dearest (((((((BehindBlueeyes))))))), What you have spoken about in your posting certainly exemplifies the deep hurt and feelings that you are experiencing and I am with you in your time of need. It is hard to imagine going through all of what you have in your young years. But sometimes parents who care do things that we may not fully understand. And it because they care and know they cannot be the ones to provide for their children that they place them with someone they know will be able to give them the care, love, support and assistance they need and are so rightfully deserving of. There can be little doubt that your Mother cared for you and loved you much more than you may ever know. I see this in her because she did not choose some other way to handle the dire situation at hand such as just abandoning you by a highway or taking other more drastic action as some Mothers are unfortunately known to do.

By what you have said, I strongly sense that she had a situation in her life that I'm sure she was trying hard to make better not only for herself but for you and your sisters and many others who loved her. But certain situations need the full support of many other people in order to help that one person come to the realization that they can indeed change and abandon their former ways of being. She may not have found that door to walk through and emerge from the other side being the Mother that you expected her to be. That does not mean that she loved you any less, dear child, it only means that during her trying times, the strength she had left must have taken its toll and left her unable to cope further especially if she was alone in this process and endeavor.

Therefore, please know that God gave her your sisters and you. And she carried all of you to term and did the best she could under the circumstances. For that she must be fully recognized. As to being more than that, again, if she had tried to be, who knows what could have happened and if she could have been successful or fallen even deeper in her trying, that could have resulted in something that you or she would not have wanted. So, now that she is gone from this world but not from your heart, offer daily prayers for her. It will surely help her in her new and everlasting life! That is your final way with which you can thank her for bringing you into this world and caring enough about your safety and upbringing as to place you in the care of those whom she obviously felt could assume that role. Your heart has to begin to heal now. There must be no more remnants of pain, discord, and "what ifs". Things happen in this life as are meant to happen. And it happens for a reason. Nothing goes unchecked. Many times a person has to learn the hard lessons for themselves in order to grow more in spirituality. It is not an easy task but one that most all people must face in some way or other. We are all here to learn and it is not only the good to great things but also the not so good things and that which is even hurtful. But know that in your pain, you are not alone. You are in the arms of God with His full support! He would never leave you or abandon you!

You must take hold of yourself and adjust to the beauty in life because you are still young and very much alive and God wants for you to live your life to the fullest but also in the process to be happy, content, and understanding of things that you could not change but that helped you grow further. Once you are able to forgive the situation and your Mother it will feel like a ton of bricks has been removed from you and you will be able to live in a much better and happier space!

So, remember that you are not alone! You have come here to this forum for support and there are those of us who are here to offer that support so that you can lift yourself out of seeing life with dreary connotations that you cannot change, into seeing life for the beautiful gift that it truly is and that was given unto you by God. May all of your tomorrows, dearheart, be joy-filled and most supportive to you!

May God bless you always, dear one, and may His grace shine over you!

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