Guilt in Grief, Making Amends

[KayC]

Found here, from What's Your Grief: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-grief-living-amends/  (Note: you can sign up for their articles to come to your email through their website)

 

Guilt and Grief: Making A Living Amends

It would be easy to think there is nothing more WYG can write about guilt and grief. We’ve written about how common guilt is in grief (you wouldn’t believe how many people get the “coulda woulda shouldas”). We wrote an article about the difference between guilt and regret. We talked about the complicated processes of self-forgiveness and self-compassion.  We’ve filled you in on things that can exacerbate guilt, like hindsight bias and survivors’ guilt. We’ve given you journaling exercises around coping with regret. With all those articles (that you should go back and check out if you haven’t read them), it would be easy to assume we have said all there is to say. But if you are dealing with guilt and grief, you probably aren’t surprised that there is more to say. Somehow in all this guilt writing, we have never talked about making amends with someone who died.

Guilt is one of those stuck points in grief. Our brain can get caught in a loop. We go back to a moment in time and we fixate on the things we wish we had done differently. It makes it hard to remember things that happened before or after. We blame ourselves for certain things that happened – sometimes rightfully, and sometimes not. We believe that the only path to forgiveness is asking it of the person we love, the person we believe we hurt, and making amends for what we did wrong. That might not be so tricky if the person were still alive. If you’re reading this, chances are they’re not. You’re left with a mountain of guilt and no one to apologize to, no one from whom you can ask forgiveness or make amends. 

So, the big question: what do you do?!

I know I said it once, but I’ll say it again – if you are dealing with guilt and you haven’t read the articles above, now is the time. Seriously. We’ll wait. 

Phew, it’s a lot. We know. Guilt is a doozy to unpack. Someone telling you not to feel guilty rarely cures guilt. Self-forgiveness can be a long and complicated process. Teasing out the difference between guilt and regret can be tough. But if you have spent some time with your guilt and still feel confident that what you did hurt another person, someone who is no longer here to give forgiveness, there is another way of coping with guilt that we have never mentioned – making a ‘living amends’. 

Wait, what does it mean to make amends?

Amends (n) ə-ˈmen(d)z compensate or make up for a wrongdoing.

. Like the definition says, amends is something we do to make up for something we feel guilty for. It is different from an apology, which is “a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure”. An apology doesn’t include an action that attempts to make up or compensate for that wrongdoing. And then, of course, there is a request forgiveness.  That is also a different ball of wax entirely, one that we have written about here.  The definition of forgiveness: “A willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior to one who unjustly injured us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity and even love toward him or her” (Enright et al in Enright and North 1998) is one that can be helpful to keep in mind as we think about amends.

 

Notice the words “right to resentment” and “underserved qualities” in there? Forgiveness is NOT about denying wrongdoing. It is about what we do despite that wrongdoing, “abandoning [our] right to resentment . . . “. This becomes important when we consider amends. Making amends does not undoing the wrongdoing, just as forgiveness doesn’t undo the wrongdoing. Instead, it is an action we take to compensate for what we have done. 

But how do you make amends with someone who is dead?

Good question. When someone is alive and you’ve hurt them, amends are more straightforward. You might go to that person and take responsibility for what you have done wrong, express you deep remorse, and ask what you can do to make it up to them. You may couple that making of amends with a request for forgiveness. I am not saying things like that are easy, they’re not. But at least the person is here. We can go to them directly and work through it (or at least try). 

When someone has died, things get tricky. Suddenly your spinning around things you feel guilty for. Maybe it is a fight you always thought you had time to resolve. Perhaps it is something you said or did while they were ill. It could be time you wish you had spent with them. Now, whether it is an apology, a want for forgiveness, or an amends, that person isn’t here and it makes it hard to imagine any of those things are possible. 

What is Living Amends?

Enter living amends, stage left. If you’re familiar with substance use recovery and 12-step programs, the idea of “living amends” might ring a bell. When you cannot directly make up for something to the person you hurt, a living amends is a decision to change your ongoing behavior in a way that is informed by the wrongdoing. Your ‘living amends’ is living in a way that that acknowledges the previous mistake by consistently living in a way that doesn’t repeat it or compensates for it. 

David Kessler discusses a living amends in his latest book, Finding Meaning. In his book he shares the situation of a woman who has a fight with her brother. Though he calls her following the argument, she doesn’t answer. Before speaking with him again, he dies. She is left feeling deep guilt. Though we would certainly suggest she read some of our other posts on seems like regret and self-forgiveness, we also deeply appreciate the option of a ‘living amends’. As Kessler describes, this woman may decide that her way of making amends is to always answer the phone when someone she loves calls after a fight. Though this cannot undo or directly compensate for the initial mistake, it can serve as living amends that comes through a different way of being in the world. Though you can’t directly apologize to the person and compensate for what you did to them, you can consider exactly what you would apologize for and what you would do differently, and still do it differently. In that act, your actions in their memory make you and the world a better place. 

As always, subscribe below to get all our new posts to your inbox. And comment if you have an example of a living amends.

 

 FEBRUARY 24, 2020

3 RESPONSES ON "GUILT AND GRIEF: MAKING A LIVING AMENDS"

1.  

   KATHY L WALLACEFEBRUARY 26, 2020 AT 1:14 PMREPLY

   I had guilt with my mother when she died, but it was nothing like I have with the guilt I have with my husband. He died ten months ago from cancer, 26 days after diagnosis. I was working so my daughter helped me take care of her dad, she would stay home with him for three days and then cover for me at work for two days so I could be with him on those days and the weekends. He was going fast and he was trying so hard to stay. I had to work, I had to pay the bills, but I think all the time maybe I should have been home more with him, maybe he didn’t realize how much I loved him and I love him so much. I was married to him for 38 years, he was my life, my soulmate, my best friend. I guess I was in shock, because I cannot tell you what we talked about his last three weeks of life, and we talked all the time, I am full of what if’s and i wishes. I know I could not save him, but I just hope that he knew how much I loved him, and still do. I would do it differently if I had it to do all over again, I miss him so much.

2.  

   LINDA DAVISFEBRUARY 24, 2020 AT 11:21 AMREPLY

   Guilt and Grief, could be a defined disease! It certainly causes physical and mental issues, in varying degrees! Most certainly, a chronic affliction! Before I knew the definition of grief, I was already suffering from it, and along with it came guilt! This was early in life, which actually became a pattern, of sorts, of how I would live my life. I would lose something of importance to me, and automatically attach guilt to it. Deserved or not! Back then, I was too young to be feeling guilt for things I didn’t fully understand, but, now decades later, I’m starting to connect the dots to this behavior. Hard to simplify this, when you have lived most of your life in this pattern, but, after a failed marriage, I began to act out in a manner, I’m not proud of, but, it was as though I had become a different person! Grief from a failed marriage, turned into a lot of guilt, that I couldn’t undo, for I had grown children, to whom this behavior could affect them, and saying I felt awful did not help, no matter how often I said it, but, I met someone who helped me care about myself, and change the way I was living my life, for the better! Since that time of change, I have lost both a son and daughter, and that someone (became my husband) that helped me change my life. Just that amend to living, helped immensely, with the guilt I felt constantly before hand. Sadly, when a person has dealt with this, grief and guilty behavior, for a lifetime, it doesn’t just quit and go away. I often felt my guilt was now the cause of my grief! I try to remember, I did take a positive step, and stayed with it. My children saw a much happier me. Not knowing I would lose , not one, but, two of my precious children, makes that living amends, that much more important. Now, I’m working on the self-forgiveness part of guilt and grief, which is another story. A much harder nut to crack, when you expect yourself to be perfect and not make so many mistakes or bad choices! This may take awhile!

[MODArtemis2019]

I like the idea of living amends. Here is a small example from my own situation: Within minutes of watching my husband die, a profound feeling or regret swept over me for all of the times I had said or done something petty in our relationship: the stuff that can seem important in the moment, but was revealed to be meaningless in the face of death. I suddenly saw how NOTHING ELSE really mattered. Except that we loved and cared for each other. All the rest is nonsense. 

So now, when I catch myself in any situation feeling petty and focusing on little unimportant stuff, I recall that feeling. It is still powerful enough to bring tears. And I remind myself, "What really matters in this situation?" and I try to be a better person. 

And I'll add this: It's not that I didn't express love and appreciation to my husband every day. I did. I told him how he was the best thing that ever happened to me. And more. It's just that, now it feels like it wasn't enough. Because I can't ever tell him again. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Artemis2019 said:

It's just that, now it feels like it wasn't enough. Because I can't ever tell him again.

That expresses so aptly what is going on with our feelings.