Fiance Died 6 days ago

[Left behind]

My best friend and soul mate died on January 28th of 2020. It was and is the worst day of my life. It was unexpected and it happened so fast. He was my everything, and just pure sunshine. He made me feel like a princess everyday. Every morning we would wake up and he would tell me that I am the most beautiful girl in the world, and that he was the luckiest guy in the world to have me. Every morning!!! I just can't do this life without him, and I don't want to. This pain is just so unbearable and I just want to die and be with him. We were getting married this year and had been together for 5 years. We had plans for our future and we were going to add to our family. He was only 38, and has two beautiful amazing children from a previous marriage. The funeral was on Saturday and it was so beautiful. So so so many people came to pay their respects because he touched everyone he ever met. He only ever saw the good in everyone and would try to help them see how amazing they were too. I can't bring myself to eat since it happened because I don't want to do anything that we used to do together without him. I just pace the house because I don't know what to do with my self. We did everything together and I see him everywhere. I never ever pictures a future without this amazing warm big hearted man in it. I don't want a future without him there. He promised he would never leave me, and I am so so alone. I'm surrounded by loves ones but I'm still very much alone. They all just don't understand. At the end of the day they go home to their partner and soul mate, and mine is gone. I can't look at other couples because it hurts so much. It hurts all the time and there is a huge void that can never be filled or replaced.  I try talking to people but they all say the same thing, and I know there are no real answers for all this. We had a whole life time ahead of us, and I have to many years left ahead to go on without him. It hurts to breathe and I pray every night that I die in my sleep. I would trade my life for him in a heartbeat, and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so out of place and lost and confused and it hurts so bad all the time. I never knew pain could feel like this and I don't know how people survive. I think about joining him every hour of every day, but thinking about what it would do to my parents and his kids keeps me here. His kids live with their mom, but they made me promise I wouldn't leave them too. It's so hard though to keep that promise. When his daughter called me and said "He left us", I just wanted God to take me and bring him back for them. I am seeing a counselor but a counselor can't change how I feel. He also said he has no words because no body should have to be burying their soul mate in their 30's. I would trade anything to have just one more minute with him. I just can't do this!!! He was my entire world, and still is. 

[KayC]

@Left behind

I am so sorry for your loss, that one more person has to go through this, but I want you to know you're not alone in this, and somehow knowing that someone else understood was of help to me when I lost my husband...he was also my best friend and soul mate.  This is very new/fresh to you.  You are my kids' ages (37 and 35) and I think the only thing worse than my losing my husband is for someone even younger to go through it.  We didn't meet until our mid-forties, he'd just had his 51st birthday when he died...totally sudden/unexpected.  My life hasn't been the same since.

Try to remember to breathe, to take one day (maybe one hour or one minute) at a time.  I still have to do that and it's been 14 1/2 years.

I wrote this article of what I've found helpful over the years...I hope you'll print it out and save it because our grief journey evolves and what helps later may be different than what helps now, so take a look at it every few months and see if something new strikes you.  I'm glad you're seeing a counselor but if it's not someone who specializes in grief, I hope you'll find one that does.  I learned the hard way that not all counselors are equal when it comes to this.  My heart goes out to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Left behind]

I'm trying my best but it's just so hard and tiring. The grief has consumed me and I try to act ok for everyone around me, because I know it hurts them to see me like this and I hate seeing them all look at me like a victim. I am a victim though and I am so angry that my everything was ripped away from me. I am trying so hard to stay distracted and I do get out of bed but only for a short period of time. I just can't function. I watch the same program over and over again on Netflix because I can't bare to watch any of our shows or anything that he would have enjoyed watching. It's just more reminders of what we will never be able to do together. I lay in bed with a pair of his dirty shorts because I need to have him close to me. I can't breathe at times and the only relief I get is when I cry so much I pass out or when I think about joining him, which is all the time. I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm going to do. I think about how I need to stay alive for my parents and friends but at the same time It makes me mad, because they don't understand how much pain I am in. I feel like it's unfair that I need to stay around for everyone else's happiness while I suffer the worst pain ever constantly and probably for the rest of my life. I don't know how to cope with this. It's so overwhelming and it's just all too much. I need help with this, but no help exists because no one has answers, because answers don't exist. I saw a pair of his sneakers today with the backs squished down. He used to wear his shoes half on sometimes and I would tell him to stop because it ruins the shoes. I would let him ruin every pair of shoes for the rest of our lives if he would just come back. I lost it and my whole body just shut down after seeing them. How do people do this? How?

[Heart&Soul]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Everything you wrote about how you are feeling is exactly how I felt when I lost my husband.  Nothing is ever going to be the same again and the hole in your heart will always be there.  I'm sending you a huge hug, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  Take care and be kind to yourself.

 

[chincube]

Every word you wrote reminds me exactly of how I felt back then, and from time to time I still feel that too. It is indeed the worst and most horrible feeling, I can relate to how painful every waking second of your life right now. I am really sorry for your loss, although I know these words mean nothing, I know. I am also really sorry you have to go through this, that you are facing this most horrendous pain.

I'm in my 30s also, 10 months now I still cannot see my future, just all black. I've laid in bed for more than a month, I tried Netflix but I couldn't concentrate to understand what's on it, so I kept on watching some sitcoms that I have watched. I have kept on thinking I want to die and be with him. I could not eat and I lost a lot of weights even I was small to begin with, and then I got sick.

I have kept on asking how do people do this too, in fact until now I still have no idea. But I guess the reality is, I have been doing it for 10 months already, even I don't want to. The thing is we all got dragged along eventually, and then you don't know how did the time pass. It is okay to just lay in bed, just keep on breathing, eat small bites of food when you can even if it's some fruits or finger food. It's okay to just stay in bed and watch Netflix, or sleep, or space out, or cry. Do whatever you can to keep on breathing.

I always feel like, I have no choice anyway, and there is no rush for anything anymore, and nothing is really that important. So since he died, I've been taking time doing whatever I want to do slowly, even if it's nothing just staring at the ceiling I don't judge myself. And then, I'm here at 10 months. That's how I did it, even I don't want this.

Big hug.

[Rhonda R]

I am so sorry you are going through this, it sucks beyond belief.  Sometimes the pain is so intense, you feel like you might die.  The reason no one has any answers for you is because grief is so different for everyone.  Even if our husbands were the exact same age and died on the exact same day, of the exact same thing, our grief would be different.  No one else was in that special relationship with him but you.  Your grief, for him, is different than anyone else's grief.  People who have never been through this really can't understand how all consuming it is because as much as you can try to imagine it, you really don't understand it until you have gone through it yourself.  I remember being in a room full of people and being so incredibly lonely for my husband.  It took a long time for the people in my life to understand that I wasn't just lonely, I was lonely for him.  The one person I needed the most wasn't there. 

I'm almost 20 months into my journey and I could try to describe it for you and explain to you that over time it has gotten better.  When I say better, I don't mean that I don't love and miss my husband every day.  I mean the pain has changed and is more tolerable.  However, when I was in the beginning stages I couldn't see, feel or believe anything other than my loss.  Grief is a journey and it takes time.  There is no magic book or answers, we have all had to work through it on our own, at our own pace.  We can give you advice about things that worked for us, when the time comes, but that doesn't mean those things are going to be right for you.  That doesn't mean you are alone in this journey, you are not.  We are here for you and we do understand. 

 I think we would all agree this is the hardest thing we have ever done in our lives. 

[Left behind]

Thank you everyone! I know everyone's journey is different but it helps coming here knowing I'm not the only one feeling what I'm feeling. I'm struggling so hard but I'm trying my best to keep breathing even though I don't want to breathe anymore. You are all right. I am very lonely for him, he is who I want to hold me and comfort me, and I want to give him all my love that I have for him, which is infinite. Right now I am just paralyzed in pain and living seems pointless.

[KayC]

Oh Hon, my heart hurts just hearing this because we all went through it too.  I know what you're talking about, wishing he'd just come back, he could ruin his shoes all he wants!

It can take a good long while to get used to all these changes and begin to adjust, it took me probably three years to process George's death, and that by no means implies I was over it...we never get "over it."  It's something we learn to carry inside of us.  Don't feel you have to put on a smile around others, it's okay if those close to you see your pain, don't worry about making them uncomfortable, you take care of YOU, you are the crucial one right now.  Rhonda is right, we can tell you what helped us but everyone's journey is unique, there'll be some commonalities but also some difference.  You are still very fresh in this, right now it's quite a feat to get out of bed and get dressed.

[Left behind]

I just keep wondering what I did that was so bad that made me deserve this. Is this punishment for my wrong doings. Today was a very very bad day. I tried hard to distract myself, but it doesn't really work. I can feel my anxiety increasing, and the only time I feel better is when I think about joining him. It gives me a calm feeling knowing I can join him anytime and not have to feel this emptiness that will forever follow me. I keep thinking of all the things I could have done differently that may have changed the events of that day that took him from me. I think of all the fights we had in the past and I hate myself for them. I hate the times we wasted angry at each other or messing on our phones. He was and is my true Soul Mate, and I miss him more and more every passing second.

[KayC]

It doesn't have anything to do with how we lived.  There are horrible people living to old age and young people dying that were good and same with their partners.  It's random luck of the draw in my estimation.  Sure we can eat right, be careful drivers, get exercise, treat everyone fairly, but that doesn't give us immunity to death and loss.  There is no making sense of this.  There's only dealing with it and that's a tall order for all of us.

I don't know if you read my "tips" or not but it's important to give yourself time to adjust.  You won't feel as horrid a few years from now as you do this moment.  Please call the suicide hotline number listed above in purple.

It is normal for us to think of all the "what ifs" when in early grief...we're trying to find a different outcome, but there's only the outcome that happened and you aren't responsible for it.  We're way harder on ourselves than we should be.  What would you tell a friend in this situation?  Tell yourself that.  Be your own best friend.  I know I repeat myself but sometimes it's necessary for one to get it.

I do understand your feelings...my George was my soul mate, and my dog Arlie was my soul mate in a dog...now I've lost them both and even my 25 year old cat too.

[Rhonda R]

13 hours ago, Left behind said:

I just keep wondering what I did that was so bad that made me deserve this. Is this punishment for my wrong doings.

I know this feeling as well.  I did the exact same thing.  It felt like a punishment for a long time.  There is nothing you could have done to deserve this.  I don't know if you believe in God?  My faith was completely shaken when my husband died, I didn't believe anymore.  I was mad at him and the world.  Over time I have softened.  God or the universe, or whatever you believe in wouldn't take someone else's life to punish you.  You didn't do anything to deserve this, you don't deserve this.  Everything you are feeling is normal.  Horrible, but normal. 

Is joining him what he would want?  Is that what you would want him to do if the roles were reversed?  I understand your wanting to be with him but if it comes to a time when you start thinking about ways or start making a plan, it's time to seek help.  I agree with Kay, what would you tell a friend in this situation?  You will be with him again some day and what would his reaction be to your killing yourself?  Even though you might not be able to feel it physically, he is there with you. 

As far as regretting the past, many of us have felt like that too.  Thinking over all the things we can't change is our mind and our hearts way of trying to turn back the clock and change the outcome. What all of us wouldn't give for that.  It's so hard.  In this early stage, I was in such a fog and state of confusion, I kept asking friends, "He loved me right?  He was happy, right?"  I know he loved me.  I know we were happy but your body is in such a state of shock.  I believe things shut down to protect your body.  Many people concentrate on just breathing, and that's okay. 

I can tell you this raw pain won't last forever but those are just words.  Right now all you know is what you know, raw painful grief.  Whatever we can do to support you through it.  Whatever you need to do to try to cope, cry, scream, sleep, watch endless episodes of some mindless show.  Not only will it take time to deal with your grief, it will take time to just accept the physical loss.  The routine the two of you had.  It almost felt like an out of body experience for me.  I never felt like myself in those early months and it felt like I walked around with this 30 pound weight on my chest.   Everything just felt wrong and that takes time for your mind and body to adjust.  I know that's hard to hear.  I didn't want to adjust, I didn't want to feel better, I didn't want to accept the loss.  This all happened very gradually over time and it hasn't changed how much I love and miss him.  It hasn't changed our past or the great memories I have of him. 

Take care of yourself please. 

[Left behind]

Thank you all so much!!! I know he would want me to continue living and keep an eye on his family. It's just sometimes the pain is so intense and I have so much love for him that has no where to go. I just want him so bad and your absolutely right, I don't want to accept that he is no longer here. Trying to go about my day in this new normal just makes me angry and hurt. I had to go to the store and I just think of the last time we went together and what we bought.Our place is filled with so much of him and all his things that I don't have the heart to touch or move yet. There is still a dirty cup of his by the couch that I can't bring myself to pick up. I can't even be in our place by myself because it hurts too much to be alone. Not used to being alone all the time without him. I am very angry with God and the Universe and sometimes at couples I see out and about for no reason other then they have each other. With Valentine's right around the corner it's just in your face everywhere. I was never a huge Valentine's fan, because we showed our love everyday, but he would always buy me a thing of flowers anyways, and I would write him a poem in a card and cook him a special meal. My mom stopped by and handed me my mail, and there is mail for him in it. I can't bare to look at it. I just can't believe this is my new reality. How do you deal with their left belongings and clothes and mail, and the upcoming holidays and birthdays? Right now I can't dare go through his things yet, and I want to keep them forever, but at the same time it paralyzes me when I come across them.

[Rhonda R]

As Nora McInerny says in her Ted Talk, "Grief isn't fatal but sometimes it feels like it could be."  Your love does have a place to go, to him.  My advice is to skip Valentine's Day altogether.  Just treat it like any other day, don't even acknowledge it.  Stay in and avoid it if you can.  What to do with his stuff is really an individual choice.  The clothes he changed out of when we left for the hospital are still hanging on the same hook in our closet.  I wouldn't have touched any of his clothes but he had so many of them.  About a year out, I went through and pulled out the things I don't remember him wearing and I donated them.  The things he wore all the time are still hanging in the closet, right where he left them.  Some people get rid of things right away, it's really an individual choice.  Don't push yourself to make a decision, you will know when you know.  For me, it's best to keep busy on those important days.  The first Christmas was horrible but this Christmas, I took a seat on the sideline and watched everyone else celebrate.  That was easier for me somehow. 

[foreverhis]

On 2/4/2020 at 11:28 AM, KayC said:

I know what you're talking about, wishing he'd just come back, he could ruin his shoes all he wants!

Yes, this is so true.  I'd read something like "When the person you love most in the world has died, you realize you even miss the things that used to bug the heck out of you." 

My love had a bad habit of leaving a puddle of water around the soap dispenser when he washed his hands, which was often.  We're at the cool, damp coast, so mildew is a nasty enemy.  I'd sigh, grab a cleaning rag, and wipe up his soapy "puddling." 

Now?  I'd do that 100 times a day if it meant he was here with me and healthy again.

 

15 hours ago, Left behind said:

I just keep wondering what I did that was so bad that made me deserve this. Is this punishment for my wrong doings.

I thought that way for a while.  Was my good, kind, honest husband being made to suffer for my mistakes, for something I did wrong?  Was I such a horrible person that I deserved to have my life destroyed this way?  The truth is that it was much harder for him than for me and I know he did nothing wrong.  None of our soulmates "deserved" what happened to them.  Whether sudden or lingering, their deaths will always be the worst thing for us and them.  But none of us or them deserved it.  You didn't do anything wrong, but it will feel that way at times because you naturally want answers.  Unfortunately, there aren't any, at least not in this life.

I'll never understand (and still often resent) why some couples get to live into their 80s and 90s together.  He was only 71 and I was 60.  We still had so much life to live together.  I think about couples like you and your love, who were just starting out a life together, and I think about Kay and her George, who met later in life, but should still have had decades together, and sometimes I do get angry and ask, "What the heck?  Why?  How could this happen?"

I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us.  You are so young to have to deal with so much pain and loss.  You must give yourself time to grieve, in whatever way you find comforts or helps most.  Do not listen to platitudes and do not let anyone tell you to "get over it" or "move on."  That's not how it works and what they're often saying is, "Your grief makes me uncomfortable.  You need to get back to 'normal' for my sake."  They do not understand because they cannot understand that the normal you knew and the "you" they knew has been shattered and changed forever.  Time will help.  I didn't think it would, but it has.  But I am still early on in my grief and have come to realize that it will always be part of me.  I will take my husband, our love, and my grief with me with every step, every day of my life.  Yet there are now glimmers of light and hope that weren't there a year ago. 

Your grief is so raw and so new that you naturally feel there is nothing but darkness.  We cannot "fix" it because it's not fixable.  But we can offer you the comfort, concern, and listening ears (well, reading eyes) of those who have "been there" and we understand in ways that others cannot.  Take care of yourself, breathe, cry, rant, and please keep coming here because we will always be here for you.  Finding this forum almost literally saved my life.  I hope the caring members here can help you too.

[foreverhis]

On 2/5/2020 at 11:25 AM, Left behind said:

Trying to go about my day in this new normal just makes me angry and hurt. I had to go to the store and I just think of the last time we went together and what we bought.Our place is filled with so much of him and all his things that I don't have the heart to touch or move yet.

I suggest that you stop trying to think of it as the (lame, IMO) "new normal."  Your life is not normal now--that's what is "normal" about deep grief.  I'd be lying if I said the idea of joining my husband never occurred to me.  Of course it did.  But I agree with others that if those thoughts ever turn you toward action, you must contact professional help or a suicide hotline.  It's not that you should live because your love would want it, of course he would.  And it's definitely not that you should feel a need to live because others want you to, though having people who care is so very important.  It's that you need to live because someday you will likely realize your pain has softened.  You'll feel calmer and have those bits of light and hope I mentioned.  Then you will be able to find reasons to live for yourself as you carry your love forward every step of the way.  He will always, always be with you.

As for his things and you not being able to move them.  My husband's second favorite hoodie still hangs on its hook by the door, along with his backpack and one of his caps.  (Our daughter asked for his favorite hoodie, so of course I sent it to her.)  It took 6 months before I was able to move his computer and put away the extra monitor.  It took a year before I could deal with any of his workshop, and then I only reorganized 1/2 of it and only because I couldn't find things I needed for home maintenance.  Don't rush your grieving.  Everything you are thinking and feeling and doing right now is, unfortunately, normal and typical.  But again, please call for help if your thinking about suicide starts to take you toward doing.  It's normal to not feel as if we want to go on or live, especially so soon after, but you must try to be kinder to yourself and realize that you did nothing wrong, did nothing to deserve this pain, and do deserve to live, even though it hurts so much right now.

I'm sending you big comforting hugs.

[Left behind]

Thank you so much everyone! Your replies have gotten me through some pretty dark feelings, and this site has definitely saved my life so far. When I come on to write it's often when I'm struggling the most, and I don't know what to do with what I'm feeling. It's just so intense I feel like I'm going to explode with the pain. Nobody around me truly understands like you all do and I'm sorry you all had to experience this horrible most excruciating pain and loss. Reading your replies earlier today snapped me out of an impulsive moment. I have a counselor who is trying to guide me through this process but I struggle immensely when there are no answers, and it's even worse because his death is under investigation, so I don't even know why or what really happened. I can't process anything because I don't know all of what went down. All I know is that I miss him and I would trade my life for him in a heartbeat. 

[Poppy Maria]

What you wrote sounds so much like what I'm going through. My fiance' of 4 years died in the morning of January 18, 2020. He was only 56. I am still in utter dismay, disbelief and denial, and it's been over three weeks. One cannot put the deadline on heartache and heartbreak. They say it takes as long as it takes. I'm still waiting for this horrid feeling to go away but it just gets more pronounced every day. I get by because I pretend he is just at work. He was a hard working man. Our favourite times are after work and weekends. We were inseparable. As the days go on, I talk to him like he was still there, I happen to still have his mobile phone so I create conversations between him and me sending to myself some of his old messages. I don't know if this is good or bad but I made it this far because I am pretending he's still alive. I know that if I don't do this, I won't be able to face another day without him. I know I will get better, and I will take it one step at a time and I won't rush the process.

[Left behind]

It's absolutely the worst feeling in the world. My family and friends thought the hardest day for me was going to be the day of his funeral. They were all wrong, because the hardest has been all the days since. The emptiness of the house, trying to go about your day doing everything by yourself instead of together with your soul mate. The memories that flood the house, that one day I know will make me smile, but right now paralyze me with grief. It's been 1 week and two days since my fiance passed, and my world stopped moving on that day.  So sorry for your loss, and we all know exactly how you are feeling. I get through each day somehow, but honestly I don't know how. I spend most my days in bed because walking through the house is too hard. I figure getting out of bed in the morning and showering is a big win for me right now. What I find that has helped some is coming on here to write how I'm feeling when my dark thoughts start to prevail. I also try to talk as much as I can about it with family and friends. Their support and love reminds me that I need to try my best to survive this. I try to distract myself the best I can because when I think of him not being here I can't breathe. We were starting a business together, and in the process of building it up. We wanted to spend all our days and nights together. My broken heart aches for you too. 

[KayC]

When I first heard the term "new normal" it made me livid!  It felt anything BUT "normal!"  I understand what the term means now but it can take a long time to adjust to the point where THIS is now our "normal," and even so it would have made me ballistic to hear that in my early grief.  It's been so long since I had my "normal" with George.  It feels like a lifetime ago.  Now my normal is grief, loneliness, struggle, but I also have good moments and I have learned a tremendous amount through this journey.  In the beginning I didn't see how I could survive a week, let alone the whole "rest of my life," but I learned to not look at the whole future looming ahead of me, but to just take one day at a time.  That was all I could handle, still is.  Last week I went to my son's, spent a couple of days there...again I didn't realize until I got home that I hadn't hugged him.    I'm so used to no touch.  That's sad.  Normally he would hug me but he was super busy (I was there to take care of my grandchildren).  He sold a vehicle, took down Christmas lights, etc. while I watched the kids.  It's hard to believe you can get used to no touch in your life.  I do have my puppy, thankfully.  I know my life would be so different if George were here...but he isn't.  I feel I just have to hang in there until we can be together again.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Poppy Maria said:

I talk to him like he was still there

I do that still and it's been 14 1/2 years.  

I am sorry for your going through this too but I'm glad you found this place.  Three weeks is still very fresh, I think I was still in shock at that point.  My husband had just had his 51st birthday when he died (heart).  I thought we'd have years left together!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things that I've found helpful over the years, maybe something in it will jump out at you now, maybe months or years on down the road...our grief is a journey, a metamorphosis of a sort.  It doesn't stay the same.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Left behind]

Today I was angry. Just angry at everything and everyone. Angry that my Jay died and left me here alone. Angry that I have to try and pretend I'm ok so others don't worry or feel uncomfortable. Angry that I'm the person everyone is staring at and saying "poor girl", and then counting their blessings because it's me and not them  I used to be them, but my blessings ran out and the universe took it's payment. It took my Jay. I have friends texting me and asking how I'm doing, and when I'm going back to work. People telling me it will be good to go back to work because it will be a good distraction, as if they know how I'm feeling or what I'm going through. They just don't get it. It's not some wound that you can just put a band-aid on so it will heal. It's a wound that will never heal, and I'm trying my hardest to live with it everyday and for the rest of my life. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Left behind said:

Angry that I have to try and pretend I'm ok so others don't worry or feel uncomfortable.

You don't have to pretend.  Be yourself, don't worry about others, you are of primary concern here.  Work did help me but it was also very hard to get through it, I couldn't focus, it was hard to do my job, hard to think and I had meltdowns.  I was lucky to be in a job where everyone was so supportive and caring.  But then it went out of business within months of George dying and it was horrible trying to look for work and facing age discrimination and being totally on my own financially and emotionally.  I can say it's amazing what we get through.  

13 hours ago, Left behind said:

It's a wound that will never heal, and I'm trying my hardest to live with it everyday and for the rest of my life. 

I understand this completely because it does change us and life is never the same again.  I've learned to coexist with my grief.  Living with that spot inside of me that is missing him every moment, all the while living life on the surface, it's strange but I've learned to do it.  The early months/years are raw, I had meltdowns, never knew when to expect them, they'd just hit.  I had a long commute and many were the time I had to pull off the highway and just cry before proceeding home.  Amazingly, we adjust.  

Your anger is very understandable.  

[Left behind]

Today is Tuesday! Two weeks ago from today my life changed forever. I find myself talking to him now as if he can hear me. I pray that he can. I tell him how much I miss him and how much I love him. I also find myself yelling at the universe, and God. To be honest my faith is definitely shaky since Jason was taken away. I ask God why?  Why bring this amazing beautiful soul into my life to just rip him away 5 years later. Taken from this world so young and when we were building our future together. We were planning our wedding, and looking at houses. We were going to start a family and discussed names for our children. I remember at the beginning of our relationship how lucky I felt that God and the universe brought us together. I went about my days thinking I would never find my soulmate, and I had serious doubts that soul mates  even existed. Jason changed all that. I found my soulmate and I became a believer. We truly completed each other. I often thanked God for bringing him into my life and answering my prayers. Now I feel like it was some cruel joke. I know I should probably look at it from the prospective that I was blessed to have the time I had with him, but it's too hard because I feel cheated and robbed. I feel like it's been a lifetime since I've seen him. I miss his beautiful smile and his infectious laugh. I ask myself if it was all a dream. It's only been two weeks but I feel like it's been years. I sometimes question myself on whether or not this is real. Everything seems hazy and surreal. Is it normal to feel this way? 

[KayC]

I asked God why but finally stopped asking, I never got an answer.  I'm sure I wouldn't have understood had I gotten one.

I too talk to my George.  I like to think he hears me at least some of the time.  I'm not sure how all that works.  

My faith was always so strong but losing George shook it to the core, for about a year anyway, I realized God was there all the time, probably couldn't hear Him through my shock and upset.

Later on you can look at it as how blessed you were to have him in your life, right now you're still dealing with the shock of your life being turned upside down.

10 hours ago, Left behind said:

Is it normal to feel this way? 

Yes.  It can feel like a dream, you want to wake up from it, you wonder if you made him up, have to look at evidence he was there to believe it, it's all so surreal.  Time is warped, it can seem like both yesterday and forever at the same time.  

[foreverhis]

13 hours ago, Left behind said:

I find myself talking to him now as if he can hear me. I pray that he can. I tell him how much I miss him and how much I love him. I also find myself yelling at the universe, and God.

I talk to my husband every day.  I'm pretty sure I always will.  When I get up and open the upstairs shades, I look out at the water in the distance and say, "Isn't it beautiful today?" or "Wow, look at that storm." or "What a gloomy day." or just whatever I would say if he was right there next to me.  When I walk downstairs, I look at his picture (a favorite snapshot I took of him with our granddaughter a few months before his diagnosis) and say, "Good morning, love."  I tell him how much I miss him.  I ask him for help when I'm trying to figure out what to do.  I tell him I'm sorry I didn't save him and that I'd have taken his pain and fear on myself in a heartbeat to spare him.  I even sometimes still tell him that he needs to come home now.  I hope he can hear me, but regardless, talking to him helps me deal with the life I have to live now.

I also have yelled and ranted like that.  It's perfectly normal and part of the grief journey.  IMO, any God worth believing in must be strong enough and accepting enough to take both our love and our anger.  I've asked (make that, yelled at) the universe many times why my husband had to suffer and why such a good man was taken from us when so many others who seem less worthy are allowed to thrive.  I know there are no answers in this life time, but that doesn't stop me from asking anyway.

When you can, try to hold on to those moments remembering the good, the joy, and the love you and Jason share.  They may be fleeting feelings and images at first, but as time goes by, you may be able to hold them longer and find a small moment to smile.  Time helps, though I understand it doesn't feel like that now.  It's a very slow, gradual shift from extreme pain every moment to being able to see those bits of light and hope.  I'm 19 months into my own journey and know that I've got a long, long way to go before I can fully accept what happened to my love and to our life together.  You must allow yourself time.  Grief is not a straight line, rather it is a slow, dark, winding road with twists and u-turns and bumps along the way.  Do not let anyone tell you that you should or shouldn't feel or do or be a certain way.  Your grief journey is yours alone and only you can navigate it.  Here, we understand that journey because while we are each walking our own road, we are walking them together.

[KayC]

Pretty much everything we can experience, feel, think, is normal in grief.  We've gone the whole gamut.

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

IMO, any God worth believing in must be strong enough and accepting enough to take both our love and our anger.

And I see Him that way.  He understands.

[Left behind]

I hate today. I hate everything about it. I tried forgetting that it's Valentine's day, and managed to do just that till about an hour or so ago. Family and friends mean well, but once they started sending me a bunch of texts, because of my loss, and it being Valentine's day ; it triggered my anxiety and I had a panic attack. Now I can't get it out of my head. I miss my Jason so much it hurts and I can't breathe. I feel like I just can't do this anymore. I look to my side where he used to always be, and I just want to be with him so bad. I thought I was doing a little better, it's been 2 1/2 weeks since he has passed, and I actually was able to sit on the couch in the living room today. Most days I just stay in bed all day because it hurts too much to be around the house with all our memories. I thought I had it, but I just completely lost control and broke down. I'm trying so hard to not go to that dark place, but I just want to be with him so bad. 

[surfer]

Left behind,

I feel the same..... It's been 2.5 months since Mark "left".  I do not feel I'm getting any better... Certain triggers just constantly bring me back to the first week... Never thought it'll be such a nightmare.....  

[KayC]

@Left behind  If you feel suicidal, please call a suicide hotline.  No judgment here, believe me, we understand more than you think.  This is a hard day to get through...

[Missy1]

I am where you are I just couldn’t write it all down in my post. Lost my husband on 1/2920  I got his dirty clothes and I put them in a Ziploc baggies so that I can keep his smell. We were lucky enough to have 26 years together i fight to keep every shred of anything I have of our life we built.. I’m so sorry for your loss. I am realizing that there are so many of us walking  around that survive this horrible human experience I don’t know how they do it I don’t know who these people are if we see them in the stores or at work I don’t know how they survive I don’t know how I’m going to survive yet either. I am a mess and I have not accepted he is gone! 

[Rhonda R]

It took me 20 months to be able to feel any kind of normal or to feel any true joy without Randy.  I can't explain to you what happened or why.  The week prior to that, I had probably one of the worst weeks of grief since he died.  After that, I turned a corner, accepted his death, got sick of feeling sad...I'm not sure.  I'm still sad.  I still miss him and I'm still madly in love with him.  I still talk to him all the time.  The sadness is different, more bearable.   I have his Harley Davidson bell hanging in my car and sometimes, I just grab hold of it and squeeze it.  I just came back from a trip to Aruba with high school friends and although I missed him terribly and would have rather been there with him, I did enjoy my time with my friends. The first time I have really enjoyed anything since his passing. 

Two weeks, two months, a year into this, I was just trying to survive.  I too pretended he was just out of town...that worked for a while.  I too put his clothes in plastic baggies, they are still there and I do smell them from time to time.  In that raw grief stage it's all about survival.  Healing and feeling anything takes time and a lot of it.  Going back to work is tough but it can be a momentary distraction and gives us a reason to get out of bed, even when we don't want to.  After all, we still have to pay the bills.  Don't worry about those around you, you get to be sad.  You get to be mad or whatever other emotion you are having.  They get to change from minute to minute.  You get to laugh and cry, at the same time.  If you have never heard of Widow Brain, look it up, it's real.  I hated being called a Widow, I still do.  I'm his wife, no matter what box I am forced to check. 

This is your loss, your grief and your healing...at your pace.  Don't ever let anyone tell you it's wrong, not fast enough, too fast, or make you feel like it's not important.  If they do, they have never experienced this loss and they really don't have a clue.  Anyone who has been through this will understand this is your reality and that you live it every day.  They will also understand that healing takes a lot of time and patience.  This loss is monumental and life changing, it needs to be treated that way. 

 

[KayC]

And Rhonda, I'm glad you enjoyed your trip.  We need those times.

[Left behind]

Having a really really hard time right now. I was doing ok untill my soulmate's son called me. He lives with his mom, but stayed with us on and off throughout the years. He is only 12, and he called me crying because he is feeling all the hurt and pain that I am too. We cried together on the phone, and I told him we will get through this somehow together. It's so unfair. I wish I could take all the pain away from him and his sister. They were looking forward to our wedding this year too. His daughter wanted to help me pick out a dress and decorations for the venue. I can't believe this is my life right now. I was looking for something in my room, and found that Jason kept every card I have ever given him from all our years together. I found a few that I had kept that he had given me. I was reading everything he wrote in them and now I'm a total mess. I thought my heart couldn't hurt any more then it already does, but I was wrong. Reading his cards and knowing he is never coming back is just unbearable. Its just all too much!!!

[Missy1]

I am so sorry that is heartbreaking he’s reaching out to you for comfort and it’s so difficult because there is so much pain right now. My Karl did the same thing, he tucked away all the sentimental things I gave him over the years, I found his stash of cards and stuff from our lives. I won’t go near it! There is no way I can deal with that stuff because I will melt down.

I’m hanging on by thread trust me my friend!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Missy1]

I am so sorry that is heartbreaking he’s reaching out to you for comfort and it’s so difficult because we were in Richard pain orI am so sorry that is heartbreaking he’s reaching out to you for comfort and it’s so difficult because we were inHe score of the wayI know a whole fresh pile of pain I am so sorry. My Karl did the same thing, 

He Squirreled away all the sentimental things I gave him over the years. There is no way I can deal with that stuff because I will melt down and I can’t do that. I holding on by a thread. 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[jwahlquist]

Dear Left Behind,

I understand and am the same place.  My husband of 22 years passed away unexpectedly 3 weeks ago.  The depression is awful.  I thought about suicide too because it all seems like too much every single day.  The only thing keeping me getting out of bed and trying is my 11 year old daughter.  
 

Have you talked to your doctor?   My doctor prescribed me some sleeping medication which helps with the day to day weariness.  She also prescribed me some antidepressants which seem like they might be starting to help a little.  I also have been seeing a therapist.  Talking to someone that gives advice, just listens and lets you talk about your feelings is helpful too.   
 

My husband was my everything.   I am 42 and no where ready to be a “widow”.   I keep asking the question, “What exactly do I have to look forward to?”    An empty life alone without the 1 person in the world who loved me unconditionally.  

[KayC]

You have your daughter to live for meanwhile until you can get to the point where you can live for yourself.  Hang on and give the process time to work, it takes a long while and I know the living through it in the meantime is hard.  Keep coming here, I'm glad you're getting some help.

[Heart&Soul]

16 hours ago, Left behind said:

I was looking for something in my room, and found that Jason kept every card I have ever given him from all our years together. I found a few that I had kept that he had given me. I was reading everything he wrote in them and now I'm a total mess. I thought my heart couldn't hurt any more then it already does, but I was wrong. Reading his cards and knowing he is never coming back is just unbearable. Its just all too much!!!

I too read all the letters my husband sent to me and I sent to him.  It took me 2 full days to read them all and at the end of it I was a sobbing mess.  I cried so much reading and remembering all the hardships we went through to be with each other.  We lived on the other side of the world from each other.  Being together meant I had to leave everything I had every known behind and move to a foreign land to be with him (I didn't regret that at all).  Reading every letter which always told me that he loved me so much and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  That I was the best thing to have happened to him.   The true pure love coming off each page.

Now my heart just breaks every single day when I realize all the love and dreams we had and now they will never happen.  I regret the times we didn't spend together because that would have meant more time.  Lately when I think of the times I was mean to him or said something horrible I feel so bad.  I hope he forgives me for that (I know he does). 

[Left behind]

I also hurt for the future we were planning and working towards. Everything I did was for our future together. I am so lost and I feel like I have nothing to work towards now. I feel so empty and defeated. All our dreams and plans are nothing without him with me. I just don't have the energy or heart to start all over. Honestly, I don't want to start all over and build a future without him. Life made sense with him. Now, nothing makes sense. My purpose for being here was ripped away, and I pray for time to hurry up. With Jason I prayed for time to slow down, because being with him was the best thing that ever happened to me. This is literally hell on Earth.

[Left behind]

Feeling so lost without my love.  I keep trying to not think about all our memories or that he is gone forever, but it's impossible to do. Everytime something reminds me of him I get the pit in my stomach again, and I feel the pain intensify. Trying to survive this just seems so impossible and pointless. I just need him back with me. I want to throw myself in the grave with him so I can be close to him physically. I just don't know how much more I can take of this. I love him so much and it hurts to not be able to show him and hold him close to me. It's been 6 weeks and time has not made this any easier, if anything I feel like it's made it worse. Time is not my friend, and the more it has passed the more I miss him, which I didn't think was possible to miss him more then I already did. I can't stand this and I don't know how much more I have in me to keep going without him. Everyday I wish for something to happen so I can join him. It's not fair and I'm tired of people telling me that I'm young, and I will meet someone else someday. 

[jwahlquist]

58 minutes ago, Left behind said:

Feeling so lost without my love.  I keep trying to not think about all our memories or that he is gone forever, but it's impossible to do. Everytime something reminds me of him I get the pit in my stomach again, and I feel the pain intensify. Trying to survive this just seems so impossible and pointless. I just need him back with me. I want to throw myself in the grave with him so I can be close to him physically. I just don't know how much more I can take of this. I love him so much and it hurts to not be able to show him and hold him close to me. It's been 6 weeks and time has not made this any easier, if anything I feel like it's made it worse. Time is not my friend, and the more it has passed the more I miss him, which I didn't think was possible to miss him more then I already did. I can't stand this and I don't know how much more I have in me to keep going without him. Everyday I wish for something to happen so I can join him. It's not fair and I'm tired of people telling me that I'm young, and I will meet someone else someday. 

I feel the same way.   I miss my husband each moment I am not completely engrossed in something.  Occasionally, I manage to completely emerge myself in something for a few minutes and I forget.  The worst part of that is that it hits me all the harder.   Today it was cleaning the half bath.   I was fine until I started mopping.   Then it hit me that I will never clean up a bathroom after him again.   
 

There are a few things people have said that I hate.  
1) He is in a better place.   Um, no he isn’t.  The best place he could be is with me and his 11 year old daughter.   He wasn’t sick and suffering.   He unexpectedly died from getting the flu!

2). You are allowed to be sad but not give up.  Um, no one gets to decide for me but me!   I am not just sad.   Depression and anxiety go far beyond sad.   I physically hurt everyday and have no energy to the point where some days it is a struggle to get off of the couch.  
 

3). You’ll find someone else, give yourself time.  I am 42 & hate the thought of being alone.  But there is just no one out there that is what I lost.   
 

I want so desperately to trade places with him or go with him.   I miss having someone to share with and talk to.  I miss his smile, his hugs and the kisses on the forehead each night.   I miss the “I love you’s” and the comfortable silence of doing nothing together.  
 
I hope that it starts hurting less someday for both of us.  I can’t imagine living this way for years on end.   

[Left behind]

I'm so sorry your going through this too. This is absolutely hell on Earth. I haven't even picked up some of the garbage he left by the couch. I miss cleaning the sink after he shaved, and picking up his socks he used to leave everywhere. I miss everything about him and it's so unbearable. I miss how he used to say "I love you" and all his nick names he used to call me. I miss talking to him about everything and watching all our shows, playing video games, or even just sitting together doing nothing.  It's getting warmer and nice out now, and I hate it because he is not here to share it with me. We used to do so much together and we had so many plans for this summer, including our wedding. I have nothing left because he was my everything and I miss him more and more every passing minute.

[jwahlquist]

I am sorry that you are having to go through this too.   It sucks!    There really isn’t anything anyone can say that makes it better or that even helps even a little.   I hate thinking about the future because it means thinking about all of the plans we had made that will now never happen. I haven’t even been able to watch any of the TV shows we used to watch together.   I just can’t bring myself to watch them without him.   I think that is what most people don’t understand, that it isn’t just the big things like plans for the future but it is the little day to day things that hurt too.  

[Rhonda R]

I read an article after Randy died that really hit home.  It said, people don't understand that when your partner dies everything changes.  The way you eat.  What you eat.  How you watch tv.  What you watch on tv.  Bedtime rituals that can include where you sleep and when.  Financial situation.  Social situations, or lack thereof.  Parenting.  Hobbies.  Family.  Everything in your world changes.  This loss is earth shattering and picking up the pieces is so hard.  You are right, most people don't get it.  I know I didn't until it happened to me. 

One of my best friend's husband died of a sudden massive heart attack 19 months before Randy.  I didn't get it.  Yes, I was there for her at the time of the death and then for about a month after his death.  She wouldn't return any of our calls, cards or visits.  I mistook that to mean she wanted to be left alone.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I should have broke down her door and slept on the floor next to her.  I didn't get it, until I got it.  I've apologized to her 20 times I'm sure and she says she understands and I was dealing with Randy's cancer but, I can't seem to forgive myself.  People say things they have been taught to say in that uncomfortable situation, that's what comes out.  It doesn't make it hurt any less I understand.  My own sister told me three weeks after Randy died that she hoped I would move on and when I did she had " someone in mind."  I told her to stop right there.  He wasn't some possession that could just be replaced.  He was the love of my life, my heart and soul, my best friend and my future and for her to even say that was so hurtful.  I told her this was really more about her anxiety over my grief and pain, than about letting me grieve my husband.  She has NEVER said anything like that again.  Sometimes you have to let people know when things they have said have hurt you, especially if it is a close relationship and there is potential for them to hurt you over and over again. 

I'm so sorry.  It's hard enough already. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Left behind said:

I'm tired of people telling me that I'm young, and I will meet someone else someday. 

That is so inappropriate and I hope you tell them so!  I would tell them, "So is that what you'd be thinking if your partner suddenly died today?  I didn't ask for or want this and still feel very much part of a couple."

[KayC]

41 minutes ago, Rhonda R said:

She has NEVER said anything like that again.  Sometimes you have to let people know when things they have said have hurt you

So true and wise!

Reminds me of this: http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm

And this one: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/01/what-to-say-or-not-to-person-in-grief.html

[foreverhis]

13 hours ago, Left behind said:

It's been 6 weeks and time has not made this any easier, if anything I feel like it's made it worse. Time is not my friend, and the more it has passed the more I miss him, which I didn't think was possible to miss him more then I already did. I can't stand this and I don't know how much more I have in me to keep going without him. Everyday I wish for something to happen so I can join him. It's not fair and I'm tired of people telling me that I'm young, and I will meet someone else someday. 

In my own experience, 6 weeks was barely a moment in time.  I felt worse and worse for the first several months.  After most of the legal and necessary "stuff" was finished, there I was with nothing and no one to distract my heart from the enormity of my loss and the immense pain I felt on his behalf for all that he had lost, his life unfinished, and our girls left without him.  The stark truth is that you will almost certainly not find time is your friend--yet.  At first, I didn't really believe the truth of things like "the 6 month mark" and "at 18 months or so," but they have proven to be remarkably accurate.  No, I am not better because my better half is missing.  I will never, never be the same or happy in the same way.  Still, those moments and times of light and grace come more often to lighten the burden I carry.

There are still days when I wonder how I'm going to keep going alone.  I miss him every bit as much today as I did that first night I came home from the hospital to a cold and silent house.  There are still mornings, yesterday for example, when I will cry for no particular reason, no specific trigger, and be unable to stop for hours.  My heart is shattered and I've slowly come to understand that it will never be whole in the way it was before.  I often wonder how long it will be until I can see him again and know I am home.  These seem to be nearly universal thoughts and pains for all of us here.  It doesn't make the pain any less, but for me at least, it helps to know that others understand when the hopeless, helpless grief comes to me and threatens to strangle my heart.

Yet time is starting to soften the raw, unbearable pain, both emotional and physical.  It's been more than 18 months and I miss him no less, but I am able to smile and even laugh sometimes.  I am able to speak his name and talk about him without completely losing it all the time.  I can tell his stories without falling apart as often.  Our small circle of loving friends and family helps, as do local newer friends who we were just starting to know and who stepped up once I was ready to accept and welcome them.

You're right to be upset and angry whenever anyone tells you that you're young and will meet "someone" new--as if your love is replaceable or like a pair of worn out shoes.  No one is replaceable, ever.  Yes, someday your heart may be ready to open to the possibility of love again.  If that happens, it will be on your terms and in your time.  It is inappropriate for anyone to say that to you now, actually ever, because this is your love, your loss, and your grief.  I believe part of the reason people say things like that is that they want to help you, they believe it would be a good thing, and they don't know what else to say or do.  IMO, another part of it is that your grief makes them uncomfortable, forces them to admit that life is precious and finite, and reminds them it could so easily happen to them.  They want you to be back to "normal" without understanding that your normal is gone forever and the you they knew is forever changed.  I suggest you think about ways to tell people to stop and back off.  Think of how they make you feel and then express that calmly, but firmly.  It's possible that you will need to distance yourself from some people, at least for a while.  If it was me, I'd tell them why.  (At my age, I haven't gotten any of the "find someone new" platitudes, so I can only imagine how I'd feel and what I'd do.)

I'm sending you big, comforting hugs and hope that being here helps you as it has helped me.

[KayC]

I agree with everything foreverhis just said...six weeks is not long enough to effect a significant change in your grief, it takes much longer than that just to process this.  Our lives are forever changed and learning to deal with this is a laborious slow task...it can be done but try not to expect miracles of yourself.  You're doing well just to hang in there.  This place is a great support, knowing you're not alone in what you're going through, there are others that understand and are right where you're at.  

We do have to protect ourselves, at least for quite some time, from people who say inappropriate things...for me that meant coming right out and saying what's on my mind.  I tried tact and sensitivity for the most part but if I couldn't muster that, oh well!  It's about being there for yourself, first and foremost, this is about you, not their comfort zone.

[Left behind]

It's just so very hard!!! I'm missing him so so much, and I got some sad news today and he's not here anymore for me to talk to about it. So many things I need to talk to him about and he was my person in this life to do that with. I just can't do this anymore. I need him so bad right now, and he's gone forever. I wish I was gone forever too. 

[jwahlquist]

3 hours ago, Left behind said:

So many things I need to talk to him about and he was my person in this life to do that with. I just can't do this anymore.

I think this is one of the things I miss the most.  Just having someone to share with and talk to about anything and everything.