Wife passed away 1 week ago

[Dazed&Confused]

Hello,

I came across this forum and it reminds me of another support forum that my wife and I met on more than 2 decades ago. It makes me hopeful.

Long story short, my wife passed away one week ago suddenly and unexpectedly. She called me and couldn't breathe and in distress. I called 911 and the paramedics were there quickly. Right when she went unresponsive, they were at the door and tried to revive her for more than 1/2 hour. They called her and then took her away after giving me a couple of minutes with her body to tell her goodbye. We had luckily been able to say I love yous before she passed.

She was 63YO and we were together for 20 years. She was my everything. We enjoyed such good times together and also lots of hard times.  She had cancer in 2004 and recovered from it. She had TMJ issues that they did many surgeries on and had chronic pain.

From all the funeral arrangements, viewings and funeral, I have been running around hard. I've had friends around me a lot and alone some. Not sleeping much at all.

I feel so lost and numb. Sure there is lots of crying and reflection.

I don't know which way is up or down. If I am away from the house for more than an hour or two, I feel like I have to go home to take care of my wife. This comes from the cancer recovery, surgery recovery and helping her with whatever I can every day.

That's a very brief introduction and I'm sure lots more to come as I warm up to this forum.

Dazed&Confused

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly (heart), he'd just turned 51.  That was Father's Day 2005.  I remember what you are talking about, the same feelings/experiences.  It's quite a gamut to go through.  I had no idea what to expect from this thing called a grief journey.  It's been quite a journey.

You're also experiencing the letdown of having been a caregiver...been there too (with my MIL, I took care of her for three years when she was bedridden with cancer).  You feel a loss of purpose/identity, don't know what to do with yourself.  At first you're so busy with details, arrangements, but then it's quiet, too quiet and everyone goes back to their lives...everyone but you.

I hope you'll continue to come here and post.  I wrote this article at about ten years out of the different things I've found helpful over the years...I hope something in it is of help to you now, something later on perhaps.  Our journeys have similarities but are also as unique as our relationships.  I send thoughts of comfort and peace your way.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[MODArtemis2019]

I am so sorry for your loss, so sudden. There are many caring people on this forum and we all understand the pain and shock and want to offer support.

I know well the feeling you describe about "having to get back home" to your wife. And the "lost and numb." I hope you can take comfort from your close friends and family and here as well. 

[Dazed&Confused]

Thank you, KayC and Artermis2019 for replying. I am wondering if feeling this way - lost and numb - for this long is normal. What is normal? My heart does feel like it is bruised a lot of the time and I do cry - although not nearly as much as I would have thought.

I printed out your list, KayC to have a hardcopy of it. The points made are great. We have two cats, so they are with me pretty much whenever I am here and they both are sleeping with me. I find it a great comfort.

My friends here and family via phone are a great help and I am able to smile some and have a little fun and let myself get distracted from the gigantic hole in my being for a little while. I talk to someone - at least a couple of people, every day, friends and family. I also know that people don't want to be around someone who is miserable all the time, so when they ask how I am doing, I will say something like OK, considering the circumstances. Maybe doing that is also having some effect on my own psyche. Whether that is good or bad, I don't know.

I just can't believe that she is gone. It was a completely normal day. I work from home so I take my breaks with her, eat lunch with her a lot of the times and am close almost allt he time. We had a normal dinner, watch a little TV afterwards and then went to bed. She woke up around 12:15 AM saying she couldn't breather and I called 911. The paramedics got here a few minutes later right when she went unresponsive and were not able to revive her. The funeral was this past Wednesday. I still am waiting on receiving the urn. That will probably happen this week. This house is so empty and quiet. One of my friends wants me to move close to them. :) There's no way I can do it, but I do appreciate the sentiment.

I am currently searching for local grief counseling and support groups. Volunteering is on my list of things to do once this initial period passes. Going to church this morning where some of these groups meet. We were looking at churches, but never got to get back in one.

Attached is a collage I made Thursday for the living room. I have since added a memorial letter that our pastor in the last place we lived wrote with another picture. I haven't put any picture in my profile yet. This way, you can see who we were.

 

DAC

 

[MODArtemis2019]

Your collage is beautiful. I love the way you used the heart to join all the images. 

The numbness is "normal," if we can use that word.  It will wax and wane. I recall writing in my journal during the first two weeks, "Why am I not crying very much?" Part of it may be this refusal of our minds to fully accept what has happened. It's too big and too sudden to absorb it all. Part of it may be the loving cocoon that envelops us in the beginning, if we are lucky, when friends and family draw near and support us. 

I had many moments during the first months when the fact of my husband's death hit me like a ton of bricks. This helped me see that in order to function, part of my mind pretended this nightmare wasn't real. Then when reality intruded, it was a shock all over again. Sometimes it still happens, but less often. 

The one thing I've learned through this experience is that there will be a lot of emotional shifts. There will be times of numbness and times of the deepest emotion and pain. And even times of laughter and "ordinary" emotions. 

 

[KayC]

Your collage is beautiful.  I put together one for George's funeral, I worked feverishly for 17 hours straight on it.  It's not a work of art like yours but I wanted something depicting his birth family, our courtship, out life together afterwards.  

There is a lot to process, you will do it in your own time and way.  

[Dazed&Confused]

The frame and all actually came from Walmart. I just found the pictures I loved the most and put them in it. I really liked that frame with the heart because she was all of mine.

I am trying to get back to normal routines - gym in the morning and some work. Scared I am going to be completely useless, but I won't know until I try. Maybe I will be, maybe I wont.  I tried to update my emergency contact information for work yesterday and while I did add my sister, I could not remove my wife. One of the questions that was presented during the process was to delete the relationship. I couldn't do it. I tried three times and couldn't do it.

Was able to find a grief group at a local church that I start tomorrow night.

Still praying to maintain meekness of spirit and a grateful disposition. I had it good and need to remain grateful for it.

[KayC]

I went back to work after two weeks off.  It was tough, in some ways it was better to be back to work and keep my mind somewhat occupied, but on the other hand, it was hard to focus.  I talked to my boss and asked him to check my work for a while, something I've never had to do before.  My boss was wonderful.  He had someone who had lost their young child talk to all of the employees and explain what he'd gone through, how to best respond to me, etc.  It meant a lot that everyone at work was so caring.  Even all of the clients.  There were times I had to rush to the bathroom and cry.  You'll get through this, just don't expect perfection out of yourself.  Going home was the hard part, and the weekends.  I needed someone to talk to and they all disappeared.

I live in the country, there were no grief support groups in this small sleepy town, after about ten years I started one.  I love mine, I've made many friends through it and we all get each other even though our responses are different.  We understand each other.

I found the loss overwhelming but in time was able to remember our life together with a smile...in the beginning though, the pain and shock was overbearing.

[surfer]

Dazed&Confused,

I feel the same as you and the rest on this board... I lost my husband on December 3... It was a sudden loss!!!! Brain aneurysm.  He didn't have any symptoms at all!!! We had absolutely fantastic, happy, beautiful  23 years/24 hours a day together with so many plans ahead of us.... Now I feel i was torn apart alive and I have to live with this unbearable pain somehow now...

I do consider to go to the grief group too... but I have some doubts... Talking with people about my husband make me feel even worse. I just feel they do not understand me at all. I guess it might be different if you talk with somebody who is in the same "boat".....

Please let us know if grief group helps..

PS. Dear new friends in grief, please forgive my English. It is a second language for me

[Dazed&Confused]

Hi KayC - I am doing very short stints at work when I feel up to it. Reviewing emails, some project discussion and so on. My boss and I agreed to talk again next week. I work from home, so the trip down the stairs after working some is pretty bad when I realize it. I am being offered short travel for project at the end of the month just to be around some of my team members - we all work remotely all over the globe.

I had a pretty bad day yesterday. Went to go to the bank and in my sport jacket that I haven't worn in several months now, how and why they were there is beyond me, in the breast pocket was a pair of my wife's glasses. I went to the bank and got a bunch of red tape, then had to talk to HR about it all and get all that stuff going.

Remaining grateful for the time we had together and the wonderful life we had. Being kind to others.

 

Hi Surfer,

I am so sorry for your loss. What a horrible time to lose your husband!

I am going to the group - Check out GriefShare.org - to try to get around people that are going through the same thing. It's a structured program and I am very nervous about going. The program is 13 weeks and hopefully have a group close to you if you are interested. Finding more people in the same boat and in the same river is what I hope to find there.

The problem with talking to people who are not or have not gone through losing a beloved spouse is that most people have no idea what to say. Some will tell you that right away and some will try to offer advice or platitudes that are not really helpful. Try to realize that they are not actively trying to hurt you. I told one lady I work with that said she had no idea what to say that it was perfectly OK she didn't know what to say and that keeping us in her prayers is perfect. She really appreciated it and I think it put her at ease somewhat. Another person told me to think about how my wife would want me to carry on. I know he did not mean it in a bad way, but for some reason, it strikes me weird. She wanted me to carry on with her, man.

Your English is A-OK.

 

I will definitely keep everyone here updated on the group and what I think about it. I imagine that will change over time - I will probably love it some times and hate it others.

 

DAC

[KayC]

11 hours ago, surfer said:

I do consider to go to the grief group too... but I have some doubts... Talking with people about my husband make me feel even worse. I just feel they do not understand me at all.

You could try different grief support groups, they're all different depending on the leader, materials, and personality of the group combined.  Maybe go and listen, it's not mandatory to speak if you don't want to.  I've heard it said that many aren't ready at first, might be months before you are.  And it's not for everyone.

I am so sorry for your loss...the loss of my husband was the hardest loss I've suffered, followed by the loss of my dog five months ago.  I've lost parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, countless friends, pets, niece, nephew, sister so I'm not a stranger to loss and grief.  But your husband is everything to you, the person you partner with, turn to, sleep with, your best friend and lover.  My dog was my companion as I live alone since my husband's death 14 1/2 years ago, and was the perfect dog for me.  It's been the hardest thing in the world to deal with so much loss and go through life alone.  I've had to work hard at making friends and adapting to all the changes it's meant for my life.  (I wrote the above "Tips to make your way through grief" about ten years after losing my husband.)

Two things coming to a grief site does for us is it helps us express ourselves rather than keep it bottled up and we learn from others while realizing we're not alone in how we feel.

(And your English is impeccable.)

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Dazed&Confused said:

in the breast pocket was a pair of my wife's glasses. I went to the bank and got a bunch of red tape, then had to talk to HR about it all and get all that stuff going.

It's hard enough going through early grief without all the red tape and stuff we have to attend to, just as we least feel like it!  I'm so sorry, I know the glasses had to hit you.  It was like that for a long time for me, triggers coming out of seemingly thin air.

[Rhonda R]

On ‎1‎/‎21‎/‎2020 at 7:30 AM, Dazed&Confused said:

Still praying to maintain meekness of spirit and a grateful disposition. I had it good and need to remain grateful for it.

I think there is some benefit to getting back to some sort of routine.  It would be so easy to just stay in bed.  I am glad you are grateful for your wonderful relationship with your wife.  That is wonderful.  Just please don't deny yourself some of the other feelings that can come with grief.  I think they are necessary too to move through this process.  In the beginning, I was so angry.  An awful way to feel but it had it's purpose.  Behind anger is energy and I needed that to get me out of bed and get some things done.  Maybe you don't and won't and that's great.  I guess my point is, if you do get angry or feel something other than grateful, it doesn't mean you aren't grateful for your wife. 

[KayC]

That's so true, Rhonda, and I'm glad you brought that up, it had occurred to me also.  It doesn't mean we are without faith if we also feel sadness and anger.  We can feel all kinds of feelings at once, all of them valid.  Grief is one of the most complicated and trying things we can go through.  Our faith is tested and tried especially that first year or two.  God understands.

[surfer]

KayC and D&C,

Thank you for your replies. I'm in Florida. The majority of the population where we live is over 80-90. I met some people at our church.... It just doesn't feel right unfortunately. They all start to say that my husband was too young to go... Even our pastor said so! This made me feel so horrible!!! I do know he was too young!!!!! Please do not remind me!!!! I came to them with the hope that I'll get some relief and support.. I was back into my day ONE.............crying hysterically!   I do understand that people in their 80 suffer from the loss of their spouses as much as I do.  I wish I can just talk with somebody of my age and basically in the same situation.. I'll definitely check Tidewell hospice groups. Unfortunately they meet almost an hour of driving away..

Hopefully D&C has a better experience... Please let us know

[Dazed&Confused]

HI RhondaR and KayC,

I need to shed a little light on why I want to avoid anger, or at least why I am so scared of it. When I was 23, I lost my first wife in a car accident. I went through a tremendous anger phase that wound up with me almost destroying myself in the process. I cursed God, I cursed people, I cursed everything and lashed out against all the norms of society. I also almost drank myself to death. I lost my job and home. I harbored anger and lots of it for a very long time. It took being married to this dear soul (+15 years after that loss) and lots of work with her love and dedication to get past the anger that ruled my life for so long. I only quit drinking 7 years ago (after picking it back up after quitting for a few years previously) when we were remarried after a few months divorced, living apart and me in lots of counseling, then both of us in counseling to see if we could put it back together, which we both dearly wanted and put in the commitment and work to make it a reality. I do not want to dishonor my wife and that huge positive change that she was responsible for. I do start to get angry, but I can step back and ask what am I angry about? I can't be angry at God, his wisdom I can't understand, nor the timing for taking my precious wife. This is why I pray to remain grateful, be kind to others and have a meekness of spirit. I am so, so scared it is all going to happen again if I give anger an inch.

 

Hi Surfer,

Hey I was born in Florida (Tampa) and lived in Melbourne for a while as a young adult. I am so sorry that your church folks and you are not able to connect. I went to the grief group last night and most of the people were middle aged, save for one young woman that just lost her god father - he was like a father to her since hers had died a while back - he even walked her down the aisle for her wedding. One lady had lost her son and the others all lost spouses. They were very supportive and we even had a little discussion on the stupid things people say! I got over my nervousness and opened up a little and got some good support. The way I found it was through https://www.griefshare.org/. 

You can put in your zip code and find churches in the area that are doing it or have an upcoming series. It's a structured series and you get materials, too. It is Bible based.

I hope that you are able to get the support you need in a personal setting. So far, I like this method and group.

 

DAC

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Dazed&Confused said:

I am so, so scared it is all going to happen again if I give anger an inch.

I understand.  My husband had to attend anger management classes.  I was usually able to help him with a fresh perspective because he would listen to me.  He didn't have anger problems in our home, only outside the home, he had high social anxiety.  He worked hard on it though and God was a big part of his transformation.

We had some problems shortly before he died and I remember him telling me he'd made it through worse, he'd make it through this, and I knew he would.  I hope you can remind yourself of all you have made it through, with hard work and effort and God's help, and if you do encounter anger, know God has your back and will help you through it.  It does shed a lot of light on your feelings/response though, thank you for sharing that.  We just want you to be aware that there may be days you feel all kinds of things, they're a normal part of the grief process.

I live in the country, Oregon mountains, and there were no grief support groups here so I started one.  I've been on forums such as this since my husband passed in 2005 and the one I've been at longest is owned by a grief counselor, I have gathered and saved many of her articles as well as others from https://whatsyourgrief.com/ and many others.  You can sign up for weekly articles there, it's been very helpful.  I've heard of griefshare, of course, and it's a wonderful organization!  So glad you have it available to you.

[surfer]

Thank you. I'm going to check both links right now!

[Kal1120]

re: anger

When my husband died, I was pregnant. I had to try to keep “calm” for the sake of the health of our baby. I still ended up on bed rest, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s been very hard to process his death - even to this day. I am SO angry. I’ve been trying really hard to *not* be angry, but it doesn’t seem possible (for me)  His best friend has been a real source of comfort. I’m also in therapy, which I can’t really tell if it’s helping or not. Anyway, I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m very sorry for all of our losses. 

[Rhonda R]

5 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

I went through a tremendous anger phase that wound up with me almost destroying myself in the process.

I understand your fear and I hope you are able to keep anger at bay this time.  Kay is right, I wasn't just talking about anger, there are so many emotions that come with grief, as you already know.  I meant if you start to feel something other than grateful, I hope you aren't too hard on yourself.  You have been through so much and been blessed with so much, like all of us. 

 

3 hours ago, Kal1120 said:

I am SO angry. I’ve been trying really hard to *not* be angry

Anger has been tied with sadness for me.  I too was SO angry.  I know by now there is no re-writing history or bartering for his life, believe me, I've tried.  Maybe I'm just tired or maybe I've run out of steam but my anger is fading.  Maybe it's acceptance?  Yes, I still get angry about losing my husband but I wouldn't be so mad about it if he hadn't loved me so perfectly and for that, I know I was blessed. 

[Dazed&Confused]

Thought I would post an update - it's been a couple of days.

I went down to the funeral home on Thursday afternoon to get my Wife's cremains and other things. I came back and already had a place picked out for the urn. It's on a shelf next to our dog, Rosie's, ashes with a picture of both of them together. Rosie died in 2002 from cancer - she was golden lab, We had her euthanized after she broke a leg and the vet told us the cancer had returned. She was 10 years old.

I am still numb and in shock. I do cry a lot and continue t read, pray, spend time with friends and am working some - if you want to call doing a couple of things, then staring blankly out of the window for 10 minutes work. It's like an ever repeating loop and hopefully it's normal. I know one day it will change into something else and then into something else again. I guess I shouldn't worry about emotions now, I only have a few - shock, numbness, sadness and loneliness - and tempering these with being grateful that she was a wonderful part of my life and how she made such a positive change. I focused on anger from the posts above because it does scare me to think I could repeat the earlier time. Maybe I shouldn't be so scared of it, eh? After all, I am older and a lot more tempered in my approach to things. I guess we'll see when and if it takes hold. I will probably find a lot of reasons for it.

I went to a friend's after work yesterday and had a good visit and another one is picking me up for lunch today. It is good to get out of the house and it such good company.

Anther day in grief.

DAC

[MODArtemis2019]

For what it's worth, DAC, you sound like a very grounded and self-aware person who is taking a lot of sensible steps to deal with your new awful reality. At a very early point in the grief process. Good for you. 

[KayC]

DAC,

I'm glad you have friends reaching out to you, that's very helpful.  And Artemis is right, you do seem very grounded and self-aware...at a time when it's hard to even think!

[Rhonda R]

You get to handle this anyway that is best for you. You are different and have learned so much since the loss of your first wife. No matter how you are handling this, it’s not easy. 

[Dazed&Confused]

This Grief share group that I attend on Wednesdays is helpful. It shows me that the things I think and experience are normal. I have definitely learned from past losses (parents, first wife, uncles, aunts, friends) the path NOT to take - leaning on alcohol and drugs to kill the pain - is not the way to go.

I am still in complete shock and non-acceptance of facts. I am extremely lonely. I am very sad. I am apathetic towards things at times. It's all normal, but boy does it ever suck.

[Rhonda R]

I am still apathetic toward things at times.  I'm glad you have learned the road not to take.  This is the hardest road I have traveled and it does suck. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

the path NOT to take - leaning on alcohol and drugs to kill the pain - is not the way to go.

You are so right!  Alcohol is a depressant, definitely something we do NOT need although I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for how they handle this, coming from an alcoholic father I am glad I have chosen to work on things rather than drown my sorrows.  Besides, avoiding grief doesn't work, at the end of the day it's still there.  I'm glad you found this place, I hope it helps you on your journey.  This is too much to try and go alone in my estimation.

[Dazed&Confused]

Finding the forum here is helping a lot! Not only from the responses to this thread, but also reading other threads. It helps me to understand that all the weird things I think about or not, feel or not, and do or not are normal.

It's such a difficult journey and it helps to learn how others are handling it at various stages.