My boyfriend passed away 3 weeks ago, I'm lost

[Heatherann414]

Hi my names Heather, this is my first time posting here. I'll tell you my story and I greatly appreciate anyone that will listen.

About 3 weeks ago now my boyfriend unexpectedly passed away. He was acting distant and off a couple day prior to it happening, especially the night of or before I guess I should say. The night before he passed away I hadn't heard much from him at all, he would answer here and there but not much. I had a VERY bad feeling, I don't know why but I just stayed up until I heard from him. and I did, he texted me back at 2am, I then had a sigh of relief and thought "okay hes just sleeping I don't have anything to worry about" so I then decided to finally get some sleep because I had to be up for work in a few hours. I then woke up at 8am to a bunch of messages from his friends asking me what happened to him, I was confused and as you can guess my adrenaline started to rush. I called his phone but no answer. His mom then told me to call her and the first thing she said was "hes dead, hes dead" we then got off the phone and I ran downstairs and my heart was beating so hard and so fast that I had to go outside for some fresh air because I literally thought I was going to have a heart attack. The night/morning it happened he was hanging out with some friends, they went to bed and when his friend woke up he found my boyfriend had died when he was sleeping. Now we still don't have an exact cause of death yet, he was already cremated and he had epilepsy so we think he might've had a really bad seizure in his sleep.and toxicology said we wouldn't find anything out for 3 months MINIMUM. 

It only happened 3 weeks ago, it feels like its been years already. He hasn't had any kind of service yet since it happened right before Christmas his mom wanted to wait after the holidays and everything. Im so lost. I can barely sleep. My body only allows me about 4 hours max and I never feel like I've go enough sleep at all, even if I'm able to fall back asleep its only for 30 mins at a time. I'm always having weird or bad dreams. I'm scared to sleep because everytime I wake up its just complete anxiety. I feel so mentally numb and far away from everything. Like I can't connect to my life in anyway. I can't focus on anything! I either feel no emotions or I'm randomly crying. I'ts also hard for me to bring up any memories I have with him. It almost feels like he never even existed which is scary! Why does it feel like one of the most important people in my life never even existed! I'ts like my brain doesnt want anything to do with him right now. I'll have random times when I do cry and look through pictures but its still not registering all the way, if that makes sense.  

He treated me like a queen, he had treated me better in a few months than any other long term relationship I had in the past. He truly loved me unconditionally, every part of me. I could open up to him with the deepest/ darkest parts of me and he was still by my side supporting me 1000%. I just feel this extreme loneliness I can't even describe. 

Thank you to anyone that stuck through and read my story, theres so much more I could add but it would turn in to a novel. 

 

[Gail 8588]

Heather,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Try to be kind to yourself.  It is so hard during this beginning period of trying to understand what has happened. 

If you have someone you can talk to,  that sometimes helps. 

Just try to get through each day. 

Come back here anytime to share your feelings. 

Gail

[KayC]

Heather,

I am so sorry.  My husband's death was unexpected too (heart attack), he made it to the hospital, through testing, but on the third day, waiting for surgery, he had another heart attack and died.  I never got that "last conversation" with him and it's haunted me.  I can relate to everything you've said, for my feelings were similar.  I wrote this article about ten years out of the things I've found helpful...hoping something in it will be of help to you either now or later on down the road.  Everything you're feeling is normal in grief and I hope you'll see a doctor about the lack of sleep and anxiety.  It can also be of help to see a grief counselor...I know when I first embarked on this journey I had no idea where to start.  It was a forum such as this that literally saved my life.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  I am sorry you find yourself here with us. 

I want to let you know that how you are feeling, what you are thinking, and the way you are acting is absolutely 100% normal and typical for those of us who were lucky enough to find that one person who truly knew us, loved us, and "got" us, warts and all.  Almost every member here could have written what you have.  Our stories are all individual to our lives and our relationships, but our grief and feelings of being lost and alone are universal.

Your grief is so raw and new that it's no wonder you can barely sleep and that you have bad dreams.  The first three dreams of my husband that I had after he died were terrible nightmares.  I have to be honest and tell you that I still find it difficult to sleep through the night.  I still cannot just "go to bed" in the bed we shared for 35 years.  I have to wind my way there by falling asleep on the sofa first.  But I do sleep a little better and my nightmares have abated for the most part.

It won't seem like it now, but time will help.  I didn't think it would and I can't say my life is "good,"  Still, I have little bits of light and hope now that I didn't have at first.  I always knew that I would never "get over" losing him and that I would never "just move on."  People who think that way have never really contemplated the depth of loss when a soulmate dies and they sure as heck have never experienced it.  So if people start acting that way to you, try to ignore them.  They are wrong.  And do not let anyone tell you that your love is somehow "less than" because you were not married or because you didn't have decades together.  This kind of love, loss, and grief are not measured by legal paperwork or time.

At this point, the best you can hope to do is get out of bed each day and keep breathing. 

One last thing.  You have found a good place to be.  We will always be here to listen, to help and comfort when we can.  You can be however you need to be with us and say whatever you need to say.  So I urge you to keep coming here to talk, to rant, to question, and really for any reason at all.  You are not alone when you are here.  Finding this forum almost literally saved my life a year ago.  I hope it will help you too.

[Heatherann414]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. The scariest part of this all is that it feels like he never existed! Is that normal? Like my brain wants nothing to do with him right now. Is it a form of dissociation? I've dissociated a couple times before because of stress/anxiety. But this time it's different. I feel so okay but so wrong at the same time. Like I constantly 24/7 have this big hole of emptiness inside of me. I cant connect to anything in my life right now. I have my moments when I cry over him but it isnt actually "hitting" me if that makes sense. I'm scared In going to feel like this for the rest of my life. Am I just in extreme denial/shock still?  Sorry for all the questions I'm just so uncomfortable existing at the moment and I've lost people before but nothing like this

[foreverhis]

13 minutes ago, Heatherann414 said:

The scariest part of this all is that it feels like he never existed! Is that normal?

Yes, I'm sorry to say it's completely normal.  I think at first it's a way of our brains trying to protect us from losing our grip on reality completely.  It's a way of our minds saying, "You have to keep breathing right now.  You need to get out of bed.  You can't do that unless you disassociate and separate yourself from your grief for a little while."  Disassociating is not the least bit uncommon.

This doesn't mean your heart is forgetting him or moving on or anything like that at all.  It means that in order to keep your sanity, you are subconsciously pushing some of your pain and loss down for now.  Over time, you may feel like many of us do that there are times when it seems like only yesterday that he was there with you, together and at others, it seems as if it all was an unreal and distant dream that only exists in glimpses.  My husband and I were married for 35 years (knew each other for 37) and I have those same fluctuations.

I strongly urge you to not look too far down the road right now.  I still cannot do that without getting extremely upset and virtually unable to function.  Focus on today, right now, and believe that the cliche of "one day (or hour or breath) at time" is a cliche because it's also true.

And please keep coming here to talk to others who truly "get it" in ways that no one else can.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Heatherann414 said:

The scariest part of this all is that it feels like he never existed! Is that normal?

Unfortunately, yes, I've experienced this too.  I've physically had to go to my files and pull out his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate...yes there they are, proof that he lived.  Pictures, his handwriting, memories.  But it feels like a dream I once dreamed.  Did we really have our life together?  Yes, we did, regardless of how far away it seems now, they were the best years of my life.  When he held me it felt like the best place in all the world to be. I haven't felt that way since and it's been almost 15 years.

[Rhonda R]

The grief you are feeling now is so raw and all encompassing, your body shuts down a bit to protect you.  You are in shock.  You are in a fog.  Nothing feels real, or right, or normal.  Taking a shower felt out of place those first few months.  I remember telling his best friend, he loved me right?  He existed, right?  Am I going crazy?  That's how I felt, like I was going crazy and in a constant out of body state. I do believe your body shuts down to protect your mind and spirit and only uses what it absolutely has to, to remind you to breathe. 

I know that hole you feel in your chest, we all have been there.  It's awful and I wish I could tell you that you will feel better tomorrow but I can't.  What I can tell you is the same thing you have heard from others, it takes time and a lot of it.   Take it day by day, moment by moment if you have to.  Getting out of bed is a victory.  What ever you accomplish right now is a bonus.  You may start to feel constant fatigue.  A sense of confusion.  I mean like you get lost on the drive to your sister's house.  You aren't going crazy, you are grieving....hard.  Luckily this raw grief doesn't last forever and you will eventually see small parts of yourself come back over time.  You will know he existed.  Your memories will come back to you.  I was so afraid of forgetting my husband and now 19 months into this, I know I will never forget him, or stop loving him.  People die, love doesn't.  Do what feels right for you, everyone is different.  Don't let anyone tell you that what you are feeling is wrong, it's not.  Be prepared, it seems the only people who truly understand what you are going through, no matter how much they love you, is someone who has been there.  The harder you love, the harder you grieve. 

If you are like the rest of us, people are going to say some of the stupidest things to you in the coming days.  They don't know what to say and although they may have the best intentions, you may find yourself hurt or annoyed by the things they say.  This used to REALLY bother me and now, it just rolls right off my back.  You know your love story best.  No one can re-write it.  It happened and it's yours and yours alone.  No one can take it from you.  Remember that. 

[Heatherann414]

Thank you much everyone for your replies. It feels nice to know what I'm going through many others have too. All I dream about now is him or his family. Or just weird/bad dreams in general. I hate sleeping now. It's so confusing to constantly dream about someone that feels like they didnt even exist. I've already come to see who my real friends are. And it's not many of them. All of them even purposely avoided inviting me out on new years because they "didnt want to deal with a crying girl". The only person that asked me out was my boyfriends friends sister. It was my first time really hanging out with her, we went to a bar and I unintentionally get a little more drunk than I intended.  I was doing fairly ok until the clock struck midnight. I totally broke down after that because my beautiful Sean was supposed to be my midnight kiss :(  and this girl I barely knew just held me and consoled me while I cried my eyes out. It felt really nice to have someone ACTUALLY there for me.

My family is already trying to fix me up with other guys! Like really?!? My boyfriend literally just died a couple weeks ago. No one is taking me seriously because we werent married or together for years, it's so frustrating to feel like I'm being outcasted during one of the most difficult times in my life.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Heatherann414 said:

I've already come to see who my real friends are.

It has a way of rewriting our address book for sure.  All our friends disappeared right after the funeral, my two best friends didn't even bother showing up to that.  Really?  I could not do that to a friend.

And your family trying to fix you up?  Clueless as to what you're feeling, I'm so sorry.

It's not a piece of paper that causes us to mourn, it's the love relationship we shared.

I hope something in here will be of help to you either now or later on, as our grief journey evolves and does not stay the same.  It's what I found helpful, maybe not to everyone, but to me and many others.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, Heatherann414 said:

My family is already trying to fix me up with other guys! Like really?!? My boyfriend literally just died a couple weeks ago. No one is taking me seriously because we werent married or together for years, it's so frustrating to feel like I'm being outcasted during one of the most difficult times in my life.

I was afraid this would happen to you.  Remind yourself that they do not get it because they have not lived it.  And please believe that I am completely serious when I tell you that this kind of love, loss, and grief is not measured by time or paperwork. When you've met "the one" and he or she feels the same, then that is a joining of soul mates.

After my husband and I had been together for 6 months, I would have been absolutely devastated if something had happened to him.  It wouldn't have mattered that we hadn't yet planned to marry, though we were heading that direction and married not too much further down our path together.  When he asked me out and we had our first date, we both just knew.  Neither of us ever went out with anyone else.  Was it destiny or fate or just serendipity?  I don't know.  All I know is that my heart felt "right" and no matter how difficult life got for us, the thread of love was there.

You might want to come up with some set responses to inappropriate and unkind statements.  Things like, "I am grieving a man I loved.  Please do not try to rush me through it." or "It's completely inappropriate to try to set me up with someone while I am grieving." or "Love doesn't care about legal paperwork." or just "I am not ready. Please stop."  I'm sure you will have had your own thoughts on this.  When you're alone, think that through, take the angriest of them, and try to put those thoughts into words that express your grief and frustration, but that won't sound "crazy" to others.  Then repeat them to yourself as a mantra so that you will be able to say what you need to say when people are so thoughtless.

And yes, you really do find out who your friends are.  Many of us have talked about the sadness and anger of having people we thought we could count on not being there.  But on the flip side, as you are already discovering, many of us have found the grace of new friends, support, and comfort from people we didn't expect. 

You will make it through these most difficult early days, if only for the same reason the rest of us have/do:  We have no other choice but to keep breathing, getting out of bed each day, and taking tiny steps forward when we're able.

Remember there are people here who get it and there are people here and elsewhere who will help and comfort you. You are not alone.

[Rhonda R]

11 hours ago, Heatherann414 said:

it's so frustrating to feel like I'm being outcasted during one of the most difficult times in my life.

It's too bad we don't have an annoyed or frustrated button because I think we all understand the frustration you are feeling.  I was married and with my husband for 8 years and three weeks after his death my sister said to me, "I hope some day you will find love again and when you are ready to move on, I have someone in mind."  I told her stop right there.  It's the closest I have come to hitting her since we were kids.  This is the stupid and hurtful stuff I was talking about but that was her way of trying to fix it for me.  I had to sit down with her and tell her, you can't fix this for me.  All you can do is support me through it.  Don't give me advice on something you know nothing about.  Just be there, in the moment with me.  Since then it has gotten better.  It is really more about their anxiety over your grief than your grief itself.  What did Nora McInerny say, "It's like people don't want you getting your sad all over them."  Grief is sad, and messy, and awkward, and painful, and so many emotions all at once, often we don't know how to feel.  It sounds like you have met someone who doesn't fear what you are going through and I'm happy to hear that.  I'm also sad to hear many of your friends have abandoned you.  Many of us have been there too and it sucks and I'm sorry. 

[chincube]

Hi Heather, I am sorry about what you are going through, I hope you would find some consolation here as I did and still do.

On 1/7/2020 at 10:45 AM, Heatherann414 said:

The scariest part of this all is that it feels like he never existed! Is that normal? Like my brain wants nothing to do with him right now. Is it a form of dissociation? 

I know what you mean, I do that sometimes too. Harsh as it sounds, after 9 months I still find myself quite often avoid thinking about my boyfriend or his death. When he first died, I used to look at his photos and watch videos of him playing music all the time, and I had his photo as my phone's wallpaper (teenager it sounds like). After few months it all changed and I couldn't bear to think about him, and I started to feel fed up of myself crying all the time at all the inconvenient places. So I put away all his photos and avoided thinking about him, and I still am doing it. To be honest if I don't avoid thinking about him, I don't know how do I go to work and function.

21 hours ago, Heatherann414 said:

My family is already trying to fix me up with other guys! Like really?!? My boyfriend literally just died a couple weeks ago. No one is taking me seriously because we werent married or together for years, it's so frustrating to feel like I'm being outcasted during one of the most difficult times in my life.

I've known my boyfriend about 3 years but only been together for a bit over a year before he died, and we live in different ends of the planet as well only being able to see each other once per year. Most of the people around me didn't know he existed, and the few of them who does know about him, did not take my grief seriously too. For them, it's just a random stranger that as well might have been living in Mars who died.

My guess is you're probably quite young, like myself too, that people feel so uncomfortable to see you frozen in middle of their hectic life. I had a friend who literally asked me, "Do you want me to tell you, if one day you're 'stuck' and 'obsessed' about him? Do you want me to be honest with you or just pretend I don't notice?" I looked at her smiling not answering, trying not to let my tears roll down. I had people who said "Maybe it's all for the best, now that you can find someone close by", "Are you still crying about him? It's a month already and it's not like you spent a lot of time together" It's very bizarre the things people said to me...

 

What you are feeling is legitimate and whatever way is helpful for you to pass your day is okay. One thing I learn in the past months is that there is nothing really for me to hurry in life, take your time to do whatever that helps you pass one more day. For 9 months everyday I just slowly and carefully go to work and finish work, if I meet a friend I only meet 1 per day, I cook elaborate meals that take a lot of time and eat slowly. I took on time intensive hobby like sewing clothes, that take all my concentration easily a whole day. When I do so little thing everyday, but ever so slowly, I find my days more tolerable.

Please come back and talk whenever you feel like and need to. I don't come as often as at first, as part of my "avoid remembering him/his death" strategy. But there are so many nice people who would get how you feel. Big hug.

[KayC]

On 1/8/2020 at 10:33 AM, foreverhis said:

Was it destiny or fate or just serendipity?

It was a "knowing,", a meeting of the hearts, minds, and souls.  At least it was that way for us.  He's the only one I've felt this way about and I was married 23 years to my kids' dad, it was never like this.  Each relationship is different, and I think what those of us here have found is that we are the ones that truly loved...and our grief does not compare to some others'.  We were the fortunate ones, but now, we're paying the price for having loved so deep.  Still I would not change a thing, it was so worthwhile and I gleaned so much from having had this relationship.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, chincube said:

I put away all his photos and avoided thinking about him

I can't count the times I took George's pictures down, up, down, finally they were up to stay.  Do whatever brings you comfort in the moment and that might change from one day to the next.

[Heatherann414]

I am young, 21 to be exact. I just went out with some friends and tried to be in the moment but it's so hard. So hard. I just kept imagining what it would be like if he was there. I kept seeing couple dancing and kissing being happy. It broke my heart. I almost cried a couple times but it didnt seem to want to come out. I just cant deal with anything related to couples/relationships right now.

When I'm listening to music and a song comes on that might make me cry I just automatically skip it. I'm personally not trying to avoid my feelings but it feels like my subconscious is. It's like my mind has total control over my body right now. 

It sucks. It REALLY sucks. I was finally starting to see a future between me and him. I remember a few days before he passed I was at work on my break and thinking about him and our future. I was happy. So happy. I never felt so sure and comfortable with anything before. Then he was just taken away from me. Ugh 

[KayC]

We met in our mid 40s.  We'd just put our lives together, been married 3 years 8 months, when everything was ripped from us.  Now, nearly 15 years later, my friends still have their husbands and I wonder why I was singled out to have my life ripped from me so young.  There's nothing fair about it.

You are so much younger, I know this is hard for you.  We struggle to keep going but it's hard.

[Rhonda R]

On ‎1‎/‎11‎/‎2020 at 9:35 AM, KayC said:

I wonder why I was singled out to have my life ripped from me so young

I wondered what I had done to be punished like that.  That's what it felt like, a punishment.  I could still be beating my head against a wall, we all could, why my love?  We still wouldn't have an answer.  Unfortunately, this is a daily happening around the world....someone loses someone they love.  A woman that I used to work with is going through this right now.  She is 36 and her husband drank himself to death.  He left her with a 4 year old and a six year old.  Why? 

Heather, your brain is doing what it needs to do to keep your sanity in tact.  Go with it. 

[foreverhis]

43 minutes ago, Rhonda R said:

I wondered what I had done to be punished like that.

Even more, I wondered why my good, honest, loyal husband would be made to suffer to punish me for something.  I know it's illogical and absurd, but that's what part of my mind kept coming back to for a while.  I don't think that now, but it sure did add to my guilt while he was ill and right after he died.

[Heatherann414]

I went to his house the other night with a few of his friends to visit his parents since I haven't seen them since the first week after he passed. I can't believe its about to be a month since hes been gone. It felt so weird being in his house. It felt like I had never been there before. Which is really uncomfortable because for most of our relationship its where we spent most of our time. It still feels like he didn't exist and I still don't have many memories of him. Its very confusing. I saw his ashes for the first time too, I cried harder than I've cried this whole month. It still didn't really "hit" me though, even though I felt extreme pain behind the tears. It feels like I'm missing someone that never existed. Its still a very confusing time. Its so overwhelming to do ANYTHING. I try to do laundry but it just causes me to have a panic attack and I don't know why. I don't even have to be thinking about him and the most simple tasks seem like they're going to kill me. Everyone says things will get easier and I'll eventually start coming to terms with reality and I hope I do. This state of mind/life Im in right now seems so permanent. I wake up in  a panic all the time. Is this still extreme shock/denial? I've lost people before but nothing like this. I wasn't even like this when my mom passed away, then again she was sick for pretty much my whole life so it wasn't so much of a shock when she died, we always knew it was a possibility that could happen at any moment. Sorry for venting so much I just can't sleep and need to get these things off of my mind. 

[Rhonda R]

Heather,

What you are going through and feeling is so very normal.  I lost my mom too and as much as I loved her and as close as we were, I don't remember it hitting me like Randy's death.  Her death was something I shared with my sisters, we all lost our mom.  We had each other to lean on and understand.  Yes, other people lost Randy too, but not the way that I had.  For me, this was a very personal loss that was mine and mine alone.  Unfortunately, being so young, I'm sure you have very few friends or none, that have been through it.  We have.  We understand.  There were times I literally thought I was going crazy, I couldn't keep anything straight.  I got lost driving to my sister's house.  She has lived in the same place for 20 years. 

I started seeing a therapist about 6 weeks after Randy died and that has helped me more than I can tell you.  Yes, I believe you are still in shock.  Don't be too hard on yourself that you can't remember things.  I do understand the panic that causes because right now, you are probably clinging to anything that was remotely close to him or he touched in an effort to hold on to what you had.  I did this too.  The clothes my husband wore to the hospital the morning we left are still hanging on the same hook in our closet.  Sometimes I walk by and just rub them on my face.  It's been 19 months for me. 

You won't always feel like this but you have to give your body and your mind time to catch up to what has happened.  My house used to be spotless....now, it's picked up and cleaned when I have the energy but really, after a loss like this, how important is the cleanliness of my house?  There are still days here and there, much farther apart, that I don't feel like doing anything....so I don't.  I honestly think putting pressure on yourself to get back to the "normal" makes it harder.  Nothing is normal now, and it shouldn't be.  You lost the love of your life. 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I honestly think putting pressure on yourself to get back to the "normal" makes it harder.  Nothing is normal now, and it shouldn't be.  You lost the love of your life. 

That is it in a nutshell. 

Society pressures us to get back to a normal that will never exist again.  In part that's because grief is so uncomfortable and frightening.  Our losses put right out there that it can happen to anyone at any time and our society does not want to be reminded of that.  We put pressure on ourselves because of society's expectations and our own confusion, pain, and the feeling that this depth of grief might actually kill us.  It doesn't, but there sure are days when it feels like it could.  At 18 months into my own grief journey, I still feel like that some days.  It used to seem that way nearly all the time; now it feels like that less often.  I think in part because I am shedding the notion that I should "put on the brave face" and grieve in a time and way that someone else wants.  Nope, I'll be doing this in my own time and way.

Until a person has "been there, done that" in losing the love of their life, they have no idea at all what it is like.

Heather,

I know it's hard to hear that everything you are feeling and do is completely normal when losing your soulmate, but it is.  Allow yourself to know that, deep down, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  When you start to panic, stop what you're doing, breathe and just keep breathing.  Take things one day, one hour, and sometimes one minute at a time.

And BTW, most of us have been here in the middle of the night when sleep once again eludes us.  Come here whenever you want because, while we may not answer immediately, we will answer and we will listen, always.

 

[KayC]

Heather,

What you re experiencing is not only normal, most of us have experienced feeling something like this.  Grief/loss can have a way of distorting time and memory.  My husband and I were together 6 1/2 years yet after his death I felt like I'd made him up or like it was a dream I'd had that he ever existed!  I physically went to the files to look at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate, viewed his pictures and handwritten notes.  Nope, I didn't make him up.  So why did I feel that way?  I don't know, everything feels rather out of kilter then.  You can't make much sense of anything.  This shakes everything in our world, the normal we knew is no more.

I want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel...I wish someone had told me that when I was newly grieving.  I thought I'd feel as I felt day one, the rest of my life.  We don't.  We continue to love and miss them, but amazingly our bodies have a way of coping and adjusting...we just can't see it when we're going through it.  It takes a good long while.  It truly is an ongoing process.  Don't worry about if you're "grieving right," we're all unique in our grief, and yet we have similarities too, enough to know we're not alone in how we feel.

[Rhonda R]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I physically went to the files to look at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate,

I did this too. 

[Heatherann414]

Hey guys Im back after almost 2 weeks. I've pretty much confined myself to my bed. I'm still feeling like he never existed and he was a dream I had so long ago. Not only that but my whole life before he died feels like a dream. Like I'm just stuck in this empty void. Whenever my brain does allow me to think of him it feels like the sadness is hitting harder. Like last night I hurt my back ( I have a really bad back and shoulders) and last time I pulled out my back he was there with me by my side taking care of me and helping me feel better the whole time while I was bed ridden for 2 days. I broke down SOBBING. How I miss him always being by my side. I was also crying because it just seems like the universe can never seem so give me a break.

I also know I need to see some kind of therapist/ counselor sometime soon but something keeps stopping me from actually taking the steps to get there and do it. I think I'm scared to talk about it because it just makes it all the more real. I'm scared to talk about him since it feels like he never even existed that it might make my anxiety so much more worse. Its like my subconscious wants absolutely nothing to do with him. I hope one day it does though because I would rather feel extreme pain and have memories of him than this nothing I'm feeling about it. It makes me question " did I really love him?" and I DID, I DO! Its heartbreaking that my mind is making me feel like this. Its like every time I think of him and that he died I feel overwhelming anxiety in my head, like my brain is like " NOPE, WE ARE NOT GOING TO THINK ABOUT THAT!"  

On a good note though I'm finally able to sleep more! Also why I've been confined to my bed, its nice that even if I wake up I can go back to sleep finally. I'm not waking up after 4 hours and not able to go back to sleep anymore. One weird thing though that I've noticed, I don't really dream anymore, has anyone else experienced that? The first month affter he passed I had the most weird/ bad dreams and now I just don't seem to be dreaming at all. 

Well thats my little update with how I'm doing at the moment 

[KayC]

Heather, I thought of this article when I read your post...esp. the meting out of grief. 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html

[chincube]

On 1/29/2020 at 5:46 AM, Heatherann414 said:

One weird thing though that I've noticed, I don't really dream anymore, has anyone else experienced that? The first month affter he passed I had the most weird/ bad dreams and now I just don't seem to be dreaming at all. 

It happened to me too. Before he died I dreamed almost everyday (very often of him too), and remember them after I get up. After he died, maybe my brain just became a giant black hole, I stopped dreaming altogether. Very occasionally I would dream of him, but until now I still rarely ever dream of him even though the dreams came back.

[KayC]

I rarely dream of George either, and I don't get why.

[Dazed&Confused]

The last dream I had was a couple days post event. All I remember was that I was in a weird setting - kinda of medieval or something. In the yard, there were these weird humanoid beings that I was talking to while holding a door open. I remember them telling me that I could stay for free in this place as long as I wanted. I told then I did not want to be in this place. it felt like the old demons from the last time visiting me. I dunno. It was super weird.

Since then, nothing.

[Heatherann414]

On 1/29/2020 at 10:10 AM, KayC said:

Heather, I thought of this article when I read your post...esp. the meting out of grief. 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html

Hi thank you so much for sending me this! I finally had the time to read it. I resonates a lot with me at the moment. Not long after my boyfriend passed, about 9-10 days to be exact, my grandmother who I live with went in for some pretty big open heart surgery. I was then left with the house and her dogs to take care of while she was in the hospital and recovering. It was honestly one of the most overwhelming times in my life. I was so concentrated on her now and making sure nothing happened to her that I wasnt really given any time to grieve over my boyfriend. I still dont really have that time since shes home now and needs help doing everything for another month or so until she fully recovers as her physical state is still so fragile that anything can go wrong at anytime. 

[Heatherann414]

On 1/29/2020 at 3:24 PM, Valerie Lockhart said:

Hello Heatherann,

Getting back to a normal routine, after experiencing the death of a loved one can be difficult. I watched both my mother and grandmother take their last breaths. The vision still stays with me today, even though it's been two years. I have vivid dreams of both of them and have been awakened out of my sleep thinking that my mother is calling me. It took over a year, before I tossed out their old medication bottles and gave away their clothing to the Salvation Army. Donating their belongings to someone needy brought some comfort. I still have a hard time watching videos with them in it. While nothing can take away the pain or the emptiness you may be feeling, prayer is a big source of comfort. My mother was a firm believer in the hope of a resurrection onto a paradise earth. Whenever I'm walking in the park, I picture them sitting by a tree waving for me to come and join them. “The hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear [Jesus’] voice and come out,” said Jesus. - John 5:28, 29. According to this promise, those in the memorial tombs—those who are in Jehovah’s memory—will be resurrected.  Drawing closer to God by reading his word the Bible everyday also helps to ease the pain. While mankind makes fruitless promises, we can be assured that everything God promised will come true. "God is not a mere man who tells lies nor a son of man who changes his mind. When he says something, will he not do it? When he speaks, will he not carry it out?" - Numbers 23:19 Whenever you're feeling lonely or experiencing any type of pain, physical, mental or emotional, call out to God. He will comfort you during your times of distress.

 

Hi thank you so much for your reply! Im so sorry for your losses, its so understandable that you still have the dreams that you do. I'm not the most religious person out there in all honesty. I did find though after my mother passed 5 years ago that prayer played a big part in my quick healing as she was sick for most of my life and the priest we had at her funeral brought me a lot of closure and comfort that I wasn't expecting to have to fast. 

I think maybe because my grief is at a stand still at the moment and I havn't really had time to really process anything I'm finding very hard, almost difficult to make any kind of decisions on what to do with personal belongings of my boyfriends. everything is just kind of laying there in the same spot that they have been the past couple months. I also find it very hard to look at any kind of pictures or videos I have of him. I almost unintentionally subconsciously avoid them. Once in a while though when I'm feeling really emotional I will look through them. Sometimes I'll giggle and sometimes its the most painful tears.  

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Heatherann414 said:

I havn't really had time to really process anything I'm finding very hard, almost difficult to make any kind of decisions on what to do with personal belongings of my boyfriends. everything j=is just kind of laying there in the same spot that they have been the past couple months

It takes what it takes...the grief isn't going anywhere.  Having to be there for your grandmother throws in another factor, but there will come a time when you won't have that to do and you can more fully give grief your attention.  His things can stay there as long as you need them to, there's no time constraint on it.

[Heatherann414]

Hey guys, back again. I can't believe its going to be 2 months tomorrow that hes been gone. Valentines Day for me wasnt overall too bad actually. One of my friends took me out ( just as friends) he paid for everything and we ate some really good food. Then after we went to grab a drink and he started getting upset about a girl he was talking to and kind of made the mood sour for the rest of the night., which then made me in a "meh" mood. When I got home I started crying. It seems like as more time goes on I'm starting to cry more. Atleast once a day now (which is A LOT more than I was the first month. Like earlier I was going with a friend to the mall and started getting emotional from a song that was playing. I wasn't even crying hard but OMG were the tears coming out.

Anyways, I think I've started to realize that I might be scared to start grieving more. To go through all of it one day be OK. I know I'll never be over it but I'm scared to one day just be OK and living my life. I'm scared to not have him on my mind as much. I'm scared to start a sort of new life I guess. I know one day I'll meet someone new and maybe want a relationship. Its really hard to think about but I realize I'm so young. Im only 21. I'm not trying to think so far ahead but they are thoughts that come in to my head. Every time I visit his mom she insists that one day I need to meet someone knew, she wants me to. It hurts when I hear her say that because the only one I wanted/ want is her son. Im scared to realize that hes only part of my past now and I'm going to have my whole future ahead of me without him. 

[foreverhis]

16 hours ago, Heatherann414 said:

Im scared to realize that hes only part of my past now and I'm going to have my whole future ahead of me without him

May I suggest that you try not to think about it that way?  Yes, the life you were living together is your past, but he is not.  You don't have to leave him behind or consider your future to be without him.  He will not be here physically, of course, but his love for you, your love for him, and your life together will always be part of who you are.  When you start to take small steps forward, take him with you.  Take your love, your memories, the essence of him with you.  And remember two really important things:  We must allow ourselves to grieve.  It's the only way to keep living at all.  And we must not let others tell us we are grieving wrong (too slow, too fast, too much, too little, too this-or-that).  Your grief journey will be yours alone.  It will be similar to others, but not the same.  But however you grieve, you must allow yourself to do it.

Also, I strongly urge you to not think about the whole future.  Do not look too far down the road or try to imagine what your life will be like 10 years from now.  Focus on here, now, and the immediate future.  Get out of bed, breathe in and out, and take each day at a time.  Sometimes we say that in the beginning, it can be one day, one hour, and sometimes even one minute at a time.  It seems a cliche, but only because it is also true.  I speak from my own experience and listening to other members who have "been there, done that" in the deepest imaginable grief.  I'm a year and a half into my own grief journey and still cannot look too far down the road without losing it.  There are enough triggers for me (music is one, that's for sure), so I try to avoid the ones I can.  I focus on today, on what I need to do, on getting out of bed and being able to say I've done "something" by the end of the day.

I miss my husband every minute of every day.  I always will.  I have very dark times (usually every day), but now there are moments of light, even happiness that weren't there a year ago.  I know I will never be happy in the way I was before, but in time, I hope to be happier than I am now.  I am slowing learning how to live with my grief as a permanent part of my life. It is part of who I am now.  I have people who care about me and who have gently nudged me forward just a little bit, not asking me to leave my love behind, but urging me to bring him along. They loved him too; they miss him very much; they know that they cannot fully grasp the depth of my grief and loss.  If you have friends or family like that, lean on them and let them help you.  If other friends or family are unkind, unsympathetic, or just plain cruel, don't hesitate to separate yourself from them, at least temporarily.  You and your needs are the most important things right now.  Anything or anyone that makes your life harder and more painful should be let go as much as possible.

And please do keep coming here to talk, to rant, to ask for help or advice.  We will always be here for you and each other.  This forum almost literally saved my life a year ago when I was lost and floundering around hopeless in the dark.  I hope we can help you too.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Heatherann414 said:

To go through all of it one day be OK. I know I'll never be over it but I'm scared to one day just be OK and living my life. I'm scared to not have him on my mind as much.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/06/in-grief-feeling-guilty-for-feeling.html

It's okay to have moments of happy instead of all grief.  Lord knows we have enough feeling bad.  But we can't take it every second the rest of our lives, it's too much for any of us to handle.  Elsewhere I posted an article on meting out our grief   This article reminds me of that:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html

[chincube]

23 hours ago, Heatherann414 said:

Then after we went to grab a drink and he started getting upset about a girl he was talking to and kind of made the mood sour for the rest of the night., which then made me in a "meh" mood.

I found that I have changed enormously even on socializing with friends. It's not that I don't have patience, it's just my views on priorities changed. On the other hand, I realized that not everyone has the time to be kind to me when I needed kindness the most, so I don't feel as obliged to be sucked into others' drama and emotions too when they need me. I know it's a little mean how I think, but I can't help but think "why do I have to listen to your drama, while when I need an ear all you do is change the subject?"

Anyway, take care of yourself, including how much and who you spend time with. I limited myself to meeting just one friend per day in my first half year, because I really couldn't handle more. I didn't need others' emotions on top of what I am going through. If that makes sense to you.

23 hours ago, Heatherann414 said:

Every time I visit his mom she insists that one day I need to meet someone knew, she wants me to. It hurts when I hear her say that because the only one I wanted/ want is her son. 

I got that a lot too, especially you're so young so I imagine you would even get more along the way. They all mean well and we know that, it's just the timing is a bit morbid for us. However when it's said by someone that loves the one we lost very much, very much like your boyfriend's mom, I think that also includes their own struggle. Their fear, their guilt, their despair, they feel what you feel too and they feel horrible about what you're going through on top of their own grief, and they just hope one day you won't feel as bad.

So if it hurts you when she says that, tell her you know she means well, but at the moment let's not talk about such thing because it hurts you. I think she'll understand.

People started saying that to me just 2 weeks after my boyfriend died, like everybody. I got mad with anyone who said that, thought not that I had much energy to be angry. It was only his best friend I did not get mad to when he said that, because at the same time I could tell him frankly that I had that fear that I would never be loved again. Because I can't imagine being loved by someone but it's not my boyfriend. It's important to be able to talk about these conflicting feelings too, that I don't want someone else, but also I'm afraid I wouldn't be loved and cherished again.

[Missy1]

Me to, I was a vivid dreamer. it’s been 3 weeks today, when it happened. 
I am soooooo sad and soooo alone and scared.

[Cali]

Oh my god girl... I am in shock reading this my first ever boyfriend died in his sleep too, and it was only two months ago. I am broken. We think he had a seizure in his sleep too and died from SUDEP. He was never diagnosed with epilepsy, the doctors just assumed what he was experiencing (deja vus & seizures) were caused by weed, because he smoked a lot.They overlooked all of his symptoms:((, these doctors need to step up their game. He only had one other grand mal seizure that we know of and that was while I was with him on halloween. You said that you were worried the day before, and so was I. I had a bad intuition and was extremely worried about him.  I wish I could have saved him somehow. Anyways, how are you doing now, I can imagine the pain never leaving me.

[Cali]

On 1/4/2020 at 12:17 AM, Heatherann414 said:

It almost feels like he never even existed which is scary!

I totally feel this too and it hurts me so much:( It is so hard to think of all the memories I had with him. I think my mind is blocking it out as a coping mechanism. I only knew him for a month and 7 days, but it felt like I knew him my whole life. We clicked instantly and got so close. He taught me what love is and I don't know how I am supposed to love anyone else. I also feel like I am going to keep losing people I love. How can someone so perfect in life be taken away, it makes no sense. I miss him more than anything, and the thought of never seeing him or speaking to him breaks me. I cant dream about him and I wish I could

[KayC]

Cali, I am glad you found us here and that you have someone you can relate to here, so important!  I think I was still in shock at two months out...now it's been 15+ years.  I've had to go through so much in that time and it's been the hardest journey of my life but I'm doing it.  It won't stay the same in year five as it is now, everyone has a different timetable but we also have enough in common to relate.   I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS!  Try to take one day at a time, anything more than that invites anxiety and is overwhelming.http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.