Suicide Resources That Saved Me

[TAM1]

I'm sharing the following because just finding them on-line a few weekends ago, reading, and taking time to step back, stopped me from a very serious intent to end my life. 

Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.

That's all it's about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn't even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

https://metanoia.org/suicide/

https://www.businessinsider.com/i-want-to-die-2011-8

 

[KayC]

Thank you for sharing that.  I think many of us have had these thoughts, but we're still here...yet know someone who isn't.  It's hard, hard going through pain and choosing to find out what would happen if we let ourselves live through it, if we fight to survive instead.  I especially appreciate the thought provoking sentence:
 

21 hours ago, TAM1 said:

Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.

 

 

[Sandra K]

My head always feels so muddled with thoughts, fears, sadness, confusion....I cant concentrate very well my mind drifts with thoughts of my husband, things he would say to me, what he would be doing if he were here , I think about what he would be wearing he loved his jeans white tee shirt and his suspenders, with his moccasins on his feet it is so painful just to type this. One min I think Ive got it under control and the a thought, incident , smell or something will trigger my painful aching grief again.. i cant seem to focus on anything for long, I try watching Tv but not interested anymore , I am a avid reader and cant pick up my book, I crochet and cant pick up my what I was working on, I don't cook, I don't sleep very good, I feel i am wearing my welcome out with my kids, so I try not to bug them, they all have families and responsibilities, they have been so good to me doing dinner for e , offers of shopping for me ..laughable as I don't need anything as I don't want to cook anything....i am alone today the house is too quiet, our routine for Sunday week ends has been broken since he has been gone ...funny I had been thinking him and I should shake up our routine we were like stuck in a pattern and then it happens in the most cruel way....sometimes you wonder if you think about something can you make it happen and does it always happen in such a devastating way.....yes I know i sound crazy...... 

[TAM1]

Thanks KayC - I felt it was important to share this and even printed out the resources because they honestly helped to read, and re-read.  Yes, the pain is so very hard and the work is also hard to keep ourselves upright and continuing on sorting through so much.

[Gail 8588]

This is my first post.  

I find grief is the most isolating experience of my life.  Friends and family do not have a clue how difficult it is, because it is impossible to tell them the extent of the experience.  I lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago after 38 years of marriage.  The loss is as unbearable today as it was the day he died.   I go through the motions of living, but have no sense of connection to this world.  I smile at people and tell them i am doing "pretty well"  because no one really wants to hear that I am still falling through the abyss that was created when my universe was torn asunder.  There is no "fix" they can provide.  I know it,   

I don't want my grown children to feel they have to hold my hand.  They have their own lives to live.   I know they love me.  I know that should somehow make a difference.  But as much as I love my children and their families,  it does not diminish the crushing pain of my grief.   There are still days when i have to make myself breathe. I try to make myself go through the motions of life every day;  get out to bed before noon, engage in at least minimal personal hygiene, eat something.  But I do not always succeed in this, especially when I don't have a reason to have contact with the outside world.  If I can't remember when I last showered, I make myself clean up and go out in public, just walk through a store, something, anything.   I am not really religious, but I make myself go to Church regularly as it forces me to clean up and look human once a week. 

My brain recognizes that life is still good,  I have a loving family,  I have friends,  celebrations of graduations, weddings and births occur.   But all of those things feel separate and apart from me.   I have moved through the looking glass and this life, which once felt so real, has no substance for me.   I do not feel connected to anything in this world any more.  i am still connected to my husband and he is not here.  Perhaps my bond to him is greater than my bond to life.  

I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other,  carry on and such,  but I don't know how long this can go on.  Maybe it will go on for decades, I have no idea.  It is a strange purgatory. 

On a somewhat more positive note,  the tremendous fear and anxiety I initially felt after the death of my husband has subsided.  I used to be gripped with fear of living alone and being vulnerable to all sorts of potential dangers:  intruders in my home,  con men fleecing me,  illness, accidents,  etc.  How was I going to survive without my beloved protector.  With time, these fears have greatly subsided.  Though it may be more that I no longer care what becomes of me.    During Hurricane Michael, l could see a large pine tree in my yard bent over to nearly the breaking point, knowing that if it broke I would be crushed.  I never moved.  I don't think of myself as suicidal, but the thought of death holds only an expectation of relief. 

[SSC]

@Gail 8588 thank you for your post.  I am approaching the one year mark and almost everything you wrote could have come from me.  I was married for 35 years.  When I say my husband was a part of me, he truly was part of me.  I see now this disconnected way we feel will be my “new normal”.  I will move through life instead of living it. The deep joy, happiness and satisfaction is forever gone.  All of this “happy life” is on the surface.  Nothing can penetrate the sad abyss swirling inside. 

8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I don't think of myself as suicidal, but the thought of death holds only an expectation of relief. 

Yep!

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

 It is a strange purgatory. 

 

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I don't think of myself as suicidal, but the thought of death holds only an expectation of relief. 

I understand.  And welcome here, I am so sorry you too are going through this.

[ccoflove]

The cloak of contentment and security I felt being in a loving partnership has been stripped away. I have also felt anxiety and fear without my protecter and am more apathetic about living. All the dreams, goals and things I was passionate about before have lost their luster without the person I love next to me to share it with. Without that love it just doesnt seem to matter much. I have described it as a purgatory of sorts as well, neither here nor there. There are no words that can fix the permenance of the loss but I am thankful to each of you for your heartfelt sharing. It is  theraputic to read others experience with grief that takes the sting out of the loneliness of this journey.

[Sandra K]

ccoflove I am so sorry for your loss...Your post so describes how I am feeling....It has been 3 weeks and I just feel so alone without him every time I have a memory I only become extremely sad, have unbearable longing for him, my family are very supportive and try to keep me busy but all i want to do is talk about their dad and they become so sad with tears flowing for all of us.... my man was so special he spoiled me beyond believe and I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have I feel I took him for granted more times than not.. he was so good to me did such sweet things , sometimes I would find my nightgown laid out for me, he cooked most dinners, he wash dishes most of the time, he cleaned the house mopping floors, he did laundry he was the most amazing person. He would do anything i ask, he helped anyone who needed it especially his children and grandchildren . He left us much too early..he never would of dreamed he would leave this life so soon he had an attitude he would live to be very old. Yes, I too am grateful I found this site. I also find it vert therapeutic to hear of others experience with grief and too know I am not alone. Thank you to all who have shared their experience, provide comfort and caring . 

[KayC]

Sandra,

It sounds like you were very fortunate.  I didn't get to spend my lifetime with George.  I had a long marriage to my kids' dad but he didn't love me, he was controlling and eked his displeasure with us. Our marriage ended after 23 years.  George was very different, we adored each other and my marriage with him was as you describe, he would have done anything for me and always helped everyone.  I never met anyone with such a caring heart.  I never dreamed I'd lose him so soon.  It felt like we just put our lives together only to have it unravel all too soon.  One thing I do know, I am glad I had him for without that all too short time together, I never would have known love, never would have known how it could be.  Missing him continues, year after year, and will for the rest of my life.  Now I also am missing my perfect dog that I lost just one month ago to cancer.  I've had many pets over the years but this one has hit me hard, he was my sole companion the last 10 1/2 years.  The tears escape and I wonder, Can't I have ANYTHING to love?

[Sandra K]

Kayc I am so sorry about your perfect friend your dog..I have been there in grieve of a pet and it does hurt. But this pain I feel now is so unbearable at times, I feel I will drown in the sorrow.  I have never know grieve so very deep even when I lost my parents. My mom was hard though but I had my soulmate to help me through and I worked which was a big distraction....My dad was young 52 and I was a young bride with a child to occupy time plus I had to be my moms support as best that i could.... but this time is just unbearable at times...I feel so torn I want to remember things he would say to me his pet names for me things he would do his routine but when I think about it it is so painful i want to push the thoughts away....is this normal ? I haven't touched his things I lost it this morning when I looked at his dresser and saw the things he left there the things that he touched before he left me.... 

[ccoflove]

18 hours ago, Sandra K said:

ccoflove I am so sorry for your loss...Your post so describes how I am feeling....It has been 3 weeks and I just feel so alone without him every time I have a memory I only become extremely sad, have unbearable longing for him, my family are very supportive and try to keep me busy but all i want to do is talk about their dad and they become so sad with tears flowing for all of us.... my man was so special he spoiled me beyond believe and I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have I feel I took him for granted more times than not.. he was so good to me did such sweet things , sometimes I would find my nightgown laid out for me, he cooked most dinners, he wash dishes most of the time, he cleaned the house mopping floors, he did laundry he was the most amazing person. He would do anything i ask, he helped anyone who needed it especially his children and grandchildren . He left us much too early..he never would of dreamed he would leave this life so soon he had an attitude he would live to be very old. Yes, I too am grateful I found this site. I also find it vert therapeutic to hear of others experience with grief and too know I am not alone. Thank you to all who have shared their experience, provide comfort and caring . 

Thank you SandraK. 3 weeks is still so  fresh, it is a shock to the system for such a long time. I also was spoiled and feel I took my man for granted too often and wish I could make it up to him and love him better each day but dont have the opportunity and that hurts. It is one of the hardest things i deal with besides the longing and missing. But ive learned from others here that we all have regrets and wish we could have done things differently and it is natural to question your choices when looking for a way to change the outcome and bring them back. We are already in so much pain, try not to add to it and be kind to yourself. I need to tell myself this as much as anyone. This is one of the hardest things to go through. We also need to talk about them, long after others think we should let go. You can do that here and be supported. We were fortunate to have had a truely loving spouse that showed us such great love. My heart hurts for all of us.

[KayC]

Sandra,

Normal?  Oh yes!  And I STILL have his robe hanging on the bathroom door, his hat on the entryway hook, his personal items in a dish in our bedroom...and it's been 14 years!  Do what feels comfortable to you,

On 9/18/2019 at 2:16 PM, ccoflove said:

But ive learned from others here that we all have regrets and wish we could have done things differently and it is natural to question your choices when looking for a way to change the outcome and bring them back.

That is a natural part of grief.  I'm even going through it with my dog.  How much more so our spouse!  I know everyone's loss is as unique as their relationship, but loss of spouse affects you in so many aspects!  And you're right, the one who would have comforted you through your loss is not here now to do it.  

[Moment2moment]

I have been gone a while because I have been struggling with the very strong desire to cross over by my own hand and be not just with my partner, but also with all the pets and family and friends who have gone on.

What keeps me from doing so is my need to love and care for my 3 dogs. No kidding. They are it for me. All my family except for 2 cousins are gone and they are not local.  We keep in touch on the phone but that is about it.

I have a few long term friends but they are older than me in their 80s and the thought of losing them too is unbearable. 

My partner and I were together almost 30 years. Where she was, that was home. I maintain a facade of our home like a museum-photos, houseware, this and that displayed here and there-remnants of our past, frozen in time.

These things and this place are comforting yet disturbing at the same time. I go through the house with hospice images and sounds and it plays in my mind and I want to run, but where? 

There is no where to be but here. I rarely talk to another human being on anything other than a greeting walking dogs or superficial pleasantries while working.

I have nothing to say to them anyway because I am a stranger in this world now. Apart from everyone, forever marked by pain and sadness and emptiness.

Joy and laughter forever stripped from my soul because of loss and seeing my best friend suffer and die a horrific death. How does one get over that? Damned if I know.

I hug my big puppy and tend to my old dog and try to get out and interact with people doing my jobs, but it is all a distraction from the gut wrenching pain of silent walls and empty rooms and a loneliness so deep that it threatens to drown me in it's intensity.

No one understands nor cares to ask how I am doing. It wouldn't matter if they did ask-and I sure as hell don't bring it up anymore. It is like she and we and I are not real. Like she never lived and died.

So yes, I will tell you all straight up that all I want to do us be with her and the rest. I want to go "home".

I am not afraid of death but I am struggling to taste a little more of life for however that is meant to last or what it is meant to be. There's a few places I want to see if I can ever climb out of poverty and grief"s choke hold.

I am alone now, but I have been alone before. God is my comfort and my protector. My furry kids need me and I them. We will be ok.

I am hoping to get back with a therapist because I am having these compulsive thoughts too often. I need to get them out or i feel they could control me and the choices I make at some point.

Anyway, saw this topic and was compelled to share where I am on it.

Love

Lily Bell

[tlc]

Wow, all that is being said here and articulated so profoundly, is exactly how I am feeling and experiencing and contemplating. I have lost my mother, two sons, best friends, much loved pets but the loss of Terry has brought me to my knees. My soul keens, wails, screams in agony. That is the only way that I can describe it. This loneliness is indescribable except that I know that you understand. It is a loneliness like no other. A loneliness for your other. It sometimes feels like seeing a Magpie on the side of the road whose mate has been hit by a car. The bird sits there, lost, confused, waiting...waiting. 

That's me, lost, lonely, heartbroken and waiting to go home. That's it really.

[SSC]

I’ve been thinking about you tlc, even worried.  My heart is with you!  I am waiting too, for the same thing.  You know this.  Sending you a hug...

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

It is like she and we and I are not real. Like she never lived and died.

I have felt that too because seldom does anyone speak of George any more to me and it's been so long since he died, it seems surreal that he lived, that I was lucky enough to have him here with me.  That was another lifetime ago.

4 hours ago, tlc said:

A loneliness for your other. It sometimes feels like seeing a Magpie on the side of the road whose mate has been hit by a car. The bird sits there, lost, confused, waiting...waiting. 

Yep, me too, waiting, waiting, waiting...but for what?

Lily Bell, I'm glad you're able to articulate your feelings, what many of us feel, think, go through.  I lived for my Arlie and now he's gone too.  My cat is 25.  I have to live, I have to take care of her, she deserves that, but what then?  I can't hurt my son like that, but I don't get to see him enough to make a real difference to myself, so I continue to live so as not to cause him pain?  It's hard.  I believe people who have commit suicide go to that place beyond, but would be scared to take that chance.  So we live this "life" and try to make the best of it but it's like a shadow of a life we once had.  Alone...

I feel this is morose and melancholy, sorry.

[foreverhis]

On 9/15/2019 at 9:38 AM, Sandra K said:

One min I think Ive got it under control and the a thought, incident , smell or something will trigger my painful aching grief again.. i cant seem to focus on anything for long, I try watching Tv but not interested anymore , I am a avid reader and cant pick up my book, I crochet and cant pick up my what I was working on, I don't cook, I don't sleep very good,

I understand that this won't help very much, but you truly are not alone in these feelings.  I'd bet that at least another 100 members besides me could simply reply, "Ditto." 

We didn't have all that many TV shows we liked and I suspect there are some favorites that I won't be able to watch for years, if ever.  I have a hard time watching anything new or concentrating on anything complex.  I'm a technical writer and designer by profession, but have written narrative and poetry for fun for decades.  I've barely done that for more than 2 years and what I have written has been about my husband and me. 

I have been a voracious reader my entire life, as was my husband.  I am just now starting to have a little interest in reading again.  I no longer go to bed in our bed because I toss and turn and can't get to sleep, so the stack of books on my nightstand hasn't changed.  My sewing and needlework projects sit gathering dust, though I'm determined to finish sewing up some cotton lettuce/greens keeping bags I've promised to a few close friends 18 months ago or more.

I'm a really good cook and baker.  I loved nourishing my family and friends, but most especially my husband who appreciated it so much.  Now the whole "cooking for one" deal has turned out to be as lonely and sad as it's always sounded to me.  I have eaten more prepared food in the past 18 months than I ate in the entire preceding decade.  Recently I have started having occasional cooking and baking dates with friends.  Our little neighborhood posse has been great about continuing to bring over meals or goodies from time to time.  I am starting to share things with them, which motivates me to actually cook or bake.  Still, more times than not, I go with something easy and comforting.  For a number of months I had to sometimes force myself to eat.  I'd remind myself that my love would be very disappointed if I let my health get worse than it already is.

I am so sorry that you find yourself here.  But when you are here, you are never alone.  It's been such a help to have found a community of people who "get it" in ways that no one else in my life possibly can.

[Jd2019]

Hi, haven’t posted for sometime but I read others post from time to time. It’s been 8 months now for me but seems I’ve been have panic attacks or anxiety attacks still. Just wanted to know if others are having these also?    Thanks 

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, Jd2019 said:

Hi, haven’t posted for sometime but I read others post from time to time. It’s been 8 months now for me but seems I’ve been have panic attacks or anxiety attacks still. Just wanted to know if others are having these also?    Thanks 

I have felt panicky many times at the weirdest times and in the oddest places, but I have not had a panic attack. 

I'm sorry to say that our daughter recently had two panic attacks, one of which landed her in an ambulance and the hospital.  She's now a single mom because our granddaughter's "father" decided he didn't want to be a father after all.  She's trying to help her daughter through the loss of her adored and adoring grandpa.  On top of that, our granddaughter's other grandma was recently diagnosed with dementia.  To put it mildly, our wonderful daughter has been under a bit of added stress these past many months.  In the past, she would have leaned on her dad's soft, strong shoulders and good counsel.  She relies on me, but has said repeatedly that she doesn't want to "overburden" me because she knows how much I have lost.  She's got some terrific friends, which helps, but she's more than 1,000 miles away from us. 

I wouldn't be surprised if all of us have had many panicky times, especially in the first few years.

[Gail 8588]

Jd2019,

It has been 2 1/2 years since my husband died.  Last week I needed to go visit someone in the hospital.  I was filled with anxiety.  I wanted to go, but I knew that being in that environment would bring back all the memories of my husband's final 25 day hospital stay.  The day before my visit my head felt like it might explode.  I cried the whole drive to the hospital and had to sit in the parking lot to get a grip on myself.  There were sounds and sights and smells that caused me to tear up,  but only one time did I have to leave the room to regain my composure.  It was hard, but I am glad I went.

My point is, at 8 months, I am sure many of us had great anxiety and panic attacks.  At 30 months I am still having them, but it is getting better.  I am proud that I was able to go to the hospital.  Previously I just didn't go, fearing it would be too much.

I am a believer in the concept that you need to trust yourself.  If it feels like it is -too much- for you to do something, don't do it.  In time you will be able to do more.  

Peace,

Gail

[KayC]

foreverhis, I can relate.  I cancelled t.v. after he died, it was ten years before I could read a book cover to cover for enjoyment, my focus was gone.  I also got panic attacks and finally got help for my GAD. I no longer have the panic attacks since I've been on medicine, but I do wake in the middle of the night and can't shut my brain off from anxiety.  Growing old alone is not all it's cracked up to be.  I'm going to a ladies retreat this weekend and just learned the theme will be anxiety.  Made to order!

Yes, as Gail says, go with what feels comfortable and if it causes anxiety, wait until you're more ready.  We'll know when the time is right to stretch our comfort zone.