17 months and not "getting better"

[belinda23]

I have read a few posts on here and can definitely relate to many of your experiences. I would like to start with how I am currently feeling, and then provide a little back story. 

It has been 17 months since I lost my mother. On a day to day basis, I wake up, eat well, go to work and get my school work done. I take care of my pets and love them deeply, and wait for my sweet fiance to get home. I'm going through the motions, but I am sad every day. The crying and panic attacks don't happen as often as they use to, but the pain and feeling of missing my mom is just as powerful as it was on day one. 

I grew up with a single mom, who always loved me and took care of me the best she could, but had her own struggles with finances, depression, and drugs. We moved states away from family when I was 4 to avoid my abusive father. She had no help raising me, but always managed to keep me in school and food in my belly. It was just her and I. I can remember as early as the age of 6 providing constant comfort and encouragement for my distressed mom. From that age on, I was the parent. 

As I got older, I couldn't understand why she could not hold down a decent job and provide the basics for us.I started to resent her and fought with her from the ages of 14 - 19. At age 20, we reconnected, but didn't become close til I was 22. While I was away on a trip, she attempted suicide over a man she wanted to be with but kept using her. For months, I made my visits more frequent and we were making plans to have a better future. I moved out of state to start school, and was going to surprise my mom with an apartment nearby in the following months. Mom was doing well with her physical and mental recovery. 2 weeks after I moved, she passed away in her sleep from health complications and unintentional prescription interactions. She was 44. I was 23. 

It is so unfair that she passed so young, right when we were getting to know each other again. It feels like I lost not just my mother, but my entire family. I don't have family to grieve with. I've tried to reach out but they are very selfish. I'm having trouble making friends because they can't understand why I cant hold it together when a song or sight or smell reminds me of my mom. My fiance is the only one there for me, which I am very appreciative of, because some people have less. But I hate burdening him with my panic attacks and sadness all the time. And he doesn't fully understand, he comes from a huge, loving famy. 

I'm just looking for support from others who have lost a mom and especially a single parent, and wanted to share my story. Thank you. 

[reader]

Dear Belinda,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. I know many people can identify with being a parent to a parent. It is so hard.

Be kind and gentle with yourself.  I know our grief is made worse when those around us don't understand our feelings. I don't know if you are interested in joining a support group in the community or through church. I also found support and understanding with these websites:

What's Your Grief

 Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog.

Please know we are with you.