Spinning in circles

[akotsab77]

My Mom died August 7, 2019. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in June. I was with her until the end. I am off work, but I feel like I'm spinning in circles, not getting anywhere in the day. At night I go to bed, wake up do the same thing again. I know it's just fresh. It's just so hard. I guess that's why I came here [emoji22]

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Akotsab77,

you have my deepest empathy. I’m extremely sad for your profound loss. I’m no stranger to pancreatic cancer and I really feel for you with what is experienced. I lost my mother a year ago quickly to the cancer in her GI and colon. I too was with my mother every step and she was my world. I was her caregiver and had to make so many difficult decisions. I spun out about the loss of her and those decisions for quite some time. I’ve been told by my counselor that it’s my brain trying to process the loss and trauma of it. It does slow down but it takes time. I hated hearing from others that it takes time. It was frustrating to hear that, but it is true. I wish we could all jump ahead, or go back to the “before” it all happened. 

I felt completely lost. I didn’t think I would survive it. I didn’t know how I could go forward... One of the best things I can say that I did looking back now, was let myself feel every feeling that I had and not hold it in. I had to tell myself repeatedly that I would be ok and I had promised my mom that I would when she was worried about dying. Even in the end, she refused to give up and remained hopeful. I still cry about not being able to take it away for her. 

 I shared here with others who could identify with parental loss. In my actual life it felt hard to share so much of it for many reasons: I couldn’t repeat what I saw my mom go through and what I went through. I didn’t feel others truly grasped the loss because at that time I only had one other friend who lost a mom. Most people don’t really speak about the details of how traumatic it can be to lose someone to aggressive cancer. I found people were looking to me to comfort them about my mom. Some people questioned medical stuff (even though they weren’t there and weren’t involved). Others would go on to me about not getting to see her before she passed (and they still do this), but they’re not understanding the urgency and emergencies that happened (there wasn’t time for that). All of that and more and I was just trying to deal with feeling completely broken and feeling so utterly alone. It was a really scary time when after the funeral everyone disappeared and I was surrounded by her things. I kept thinking “I need an adult!” even though I’m 40. But people are people and the ones older than me I guess didn’t know what to do either and so it goes. 

We are here. Please keep sharing. Sending you a lot of love.

 

 

 

[akotsab77]

Akotsab77,
you have my deepest empathy. I’m extremely sad for your profound loss. I’m no stranger to pancreatic cancer and I really feel for you with what is experienced. I lost my mother a year ago quickly to the cancer in her GI and colon. I too was with my mother every step and she was my world. I was her caregiver and had to make so many difficult decisions. I spun out about the loss of her and those decisions for quite some time. I’ve been told by my counselor that it’s my brain trying to process the loss and trauma of it. It does slow down but it takes time. I hated hearing from others that it takes time. It was frustrating to hear that, but it is true. I wish we could all jump ahead, or go back to the “before” it all happened. 
I felt completely lost. I didn’t think I would survive it. I didn’t know how I could go forward... One of the best things I can say that I did looking back now, was let myself feel every feeling that I had and not hold it in. I had to tell myself repeatedly that I would be ok and I had promised my mom that I would when she was worried about dying. Even in the end, she refused to give up and remained hopeful. I still cry about not being able to take it away for her. 
 I shared here with others who could identify with parental loss. In my actual life it felt hard to share so much of it for many reasons: I couldn’t repeat what I saw my mom go through and what I went through. I didn’t feel others truly grasped the loss because at that time I only had one other friend who lost a mom. Most people don’t really speak about the details of how traumatic it can be to lose someone to aggressive cancer. I found people were looking to me to comfort them about my mom. Some people questioned medical stuff (even though they weren’t there and weren’t involved). Others would go on to me about not getting to see her before she passed (and they still do this), but they’re not understanding the urgency and emergencies that happened (there wasn’t time for that). All of that and more and I was just trying to deal with feeling completely broken and feeling so utterly alone. It was a really scary time when after the funeral everyone disappeared and I was surrounded by her things. I kept thinking “I need an adult!” even though I’m 40. But people are people and the ones older than me I guess didn’t know what to do either and so it goes. 
We are here. Please keep sharing. Sending you a lot of love.
 
 
 

Thank you, we share alot of similarities. I am 41, and I was also her main caregiver. It's so tough to wrap my head around and also keep my own family sane.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

It’s heart wrenching to watch your mom go through all of it. At the same time, I’m so grateful I got to care give and be with her. You have so much on your plate. I hope that you’ll be able to take some time for yourself. I take a walk every day. It helps me get out a lot of the grief energy or centers it slightly. For months I couldn’t move. I would just lay there staring at the wall. I had to really push myself. Everything felt so hard like getting out if bed, showering, eating, working...I didn’t even want to try and hold conversations with others because my mind was on my loss and heartache and it was hard to focus on whatever people where talking about (especially if they complained about small things that in the long term won’t matter). I cared/care about others, but grief is all encompassing and takes time and that’s ok. People that were closest to me understood I needed to be however I felt. Losing a mom is a huge eye opener to whats really important in life. I’m grateful my mom always expressed how she felt about me and what I meant to her. So many people aren’t lucky enough to have that with their parents. 

[Anne B.]

I feel the pain that you all feel.  My mother passed away 3 days ago.  It is really hard because she was starting to improve and then suddenly took a turn for the worse.  Still can't believe that this happened.  My mother was the most wonderful mother anyone could have.  She took pride in each of her children and grandchildren.  There is a hole left where she once was.  Right now, it feels like the pain will never end.  It feels like both she and my father (he passed away 1 1/2  years ago) should still be here enjoying life.  She missed him dearly.  At least her suffering is over.  Anytime I'm comforted by someone I break down.  It's so hard.  Thank you for listening/reading.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

On 9/13/2019 at 9:37 PM, Anne B. said:

I feel the pain that you all feel.  My mother passed away 3 days ago.  It is really hard because she was starting to improve and then suddenly took a turn for the worse.  Still can't believe that this happened.  My mother was the most wonderful mother anyone could have.  She took pride in each of her children and grandchildren.  There is a hole left where she once was.  Right now, it feels like the pain will never end.  It feels like both she and my father (he passed away 1 1/2  years ago) should still be here enjoying life.  She missed him dearly.  At least her suffering is over.  Anytime I'm comforted by someone I break down.  It's so hard.  Thank you for listening/reading.

Anne B,

All my empathy. It’s so confusing and such a shock when they seemed to be going in a better direction and then they’re gone. It’s so emotional and I still find it hard to believe my mom is gone. There is something in knowing they’re suffering is over. It doesn’t stop the yearning though and the grief is overwhelming. It’s the hardest loss to comprehend for me and my heart goes out to you. My mother too was amazing, loving, nurturing and so much more. Nothing can fill that void. Now I do my best to be like her and carry on the way she was and what she taught me. That helps some after time passes. In the beginning I just couldn’t see forward at all. It was pain, shock, get the arrangements figured out and then circling why and how. As you know it takes time to process such deep loss. Know we’re here to listen and we care. I’m so sorry for your losses. Sending love your way.

[Anne B.]

Thank you for your heartfelt response.  Right now I feel like I'm going through motions and just taking everything day by day.  Life without my father was hard enough, now losing my mother it's so difficult.  I'm strengthened by the rest of my family.  My mother would want us all to go on and remember her and the happiness that she brought.  This thread spoke to me - I understand spinning in circles.  Again, thank you for your kind words they truly helped.  I'm just grateful to have people who understand.