New mom now adult orphan

[CKJ2019]

My mom passed away about 5 months ago, the day after thanksgiving unexpectedly due to a massive pulmonary embolism. My sister flew in from LA and we were driving to see her.  She was in rehab recovering from back surgery and there were no signs anything was wrong.  We arrived at my mom’s house to find people in our living room waiting to tell us our mom has passed away while we were driving up to see her.

While driving, we were talking about visiting her in the morning. It was a surprise and she had no idea we were coming.  What started out as us visiting for 3-4 days turned into us staying 2-3 weeks to prepare for her funeral.  

To make matters even more complicated, I was 8 months pregnant with her grandson. She was so excited I was having baby number 5.  She couldn’t wait to get better and see him.  Now she won’t ever see him.Its been rough.  I have no idea how I’ve been functioning. Grieving while pregnant and now with a newborn is so complicated At times I don’t know whether my emotions are due to grief or post-partum hormones.

 My father passed away 12 years ago due to cancer. So, I’m now an adult orphan. No parents left. No one to call, no grandparents for my children.  

This has by far been the hardest year of my life.  I never imagined I’d have lost both my parents by the age of 38.  We took care of my father and were there when he took his last breath. But with my Ma it’s so different. It was unexpected and we hadn’t seen her since she had her back surgery two weeks before her death.

My sadness comes and goes.  Being tired and having a newborn son complicates my sadness.  I cry a lot. I mean a lot on and off.  I feel an intense sadness at times that feels unavoidable.  The reality that both my parents are dead hurts immensely. The death of my mom really opened my eyes to how fragile life is and has made me more aware of my own mortality.  I question everything about death and God.  None of it makes sense to me.  

People say she’s still with me and always will be but honestly I don’t feel her.  I want to see her, talk to her, drive to visit her with her grandkids.  

The grief is deep. 

I just needed to share my story and release some of the emotions. Today was a rough morning.  

Thanks for reading.

[reader]

Dear CKJ,

I'm very sorry for your loss. Please know we are with you and you can share as much as you want with us. I know so many people can relate to your story and your feelings. It is completely natural and normal and part of the grief. I know its hard because you are also trying to care for your newborn. Thinking of you.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[Carolinagiaco]

I am so sorry for your losses and what you're experiencing. I lost my mam almost 8 months ago due to stage 4 bowel cancer, a month after my (first) twin babies were born. She never got to meet them. She was diagnosed ten days after I found out I was pregnant. I'm a doctor, so I knew her chances of survival were less than 10%, but I held on to hope blindly anyway.

I'm an only child, all of my grandparents are gone, and my father is estranged. There are days when I feel I won't be able to tolerate the sadness and the sheer devastation and exhaustion of it all. Other random, blissful days are bearable. I hope it gets easier with time.