A painful, exhausting week

[foreverhis]

Hi everyone.  I need to talk about my week.  It was a particularly bad one.

I had to take my husband's car to our mechanic because it wouldn't start.  It's a 1981 Rabbit convertible, made in Germany by hand and the first year they were available here.  It's the car I'm going to give to our daughter because she loves it so much.  Our mechanic thought it might be an electrical short in the system draining the battery.   Fortunately, it was just a bad new battery and under warranty.  But after AAA jumped it and I was driving it over, I noticed my husband's small hairbrush in the door well.  It was full of his beautiful hair, more than usual because he was using it during chemo.  It just broke my heart.  I tucked it into the glove box and have decided to keep it.  The morning he first found small clumps of hair on his pillow was the day everything became "this is really happening" for us, so that silly little brush is a reminder of him and what he went through.  Still, I'm keeping it because it's got "him" on it.

But the really bad part of the week was that it was our garbage company's spring clean up.  They do a day each spring and fall where you can put out almost anything at no extra charge.  No hazardous waste and no huge items like mattresses unless you call in advance and pay a small extra fee.  Every year, my love and I would go through and kind of collect "stuff" for pick up.  Last fall, there were a whole bunch of outdoor things like old chicken wire, a broken hose, cracked folding chair, etc. that we had already been compiling.  That wasn't a huge deal to do by myself.

For the past several months, I've known I needed to start going through his workshop.  He had been in the middle of two projects and getting ready to start two more when he was diagnosed.  He tried to do what he could during chemo and before his first surgery, including starting a complete overhaul of the shop setup.  Since last May, it's been impossible to walk in that half of the garage or find anything.  I've done a number of little projects and been so frustrated with it.  Plus, every time I see it, my heart breaks for him. I see the supplies, partly finished pieces, and drawing or diagrams, and I hate that he's not here.  I know he felt he let me down by not finishing those last projects and leaving me with a mess.  I tried to make sure he knew he hadn't let me down, that instead I felt I'd let him down.

So starting this past Monday, I spent some time every day/early evening taking stuff down, sorting it, figuring out what needed to be thrown away, what to clean up and box up ready to sell at some point, and how to set up the shelves so they'll work for me.  I worked on a full wall of shelves, plus a small work bench and a few rolling storage drawer units.  Everything was covered with saw dust, along with a year's worth of dust and dirt.  It was hard, sweaty work, which was good in way because it helped distract me a little from all the memories, regrets, and emotional pain.  I felt like I was discarding parts of our life together, parts of him.  Rationally, I know that's not true and after all that work the bulk of the shop is now functional.  I've set aside or noted items to sell later, like his full size drum sander and the table saw.  But I broke a little inside every time I set something in a box to donate or a bag for garbage pick up--even though a majority of the pick up items were things he would have tossed himself.

I vacuumed and vacuumed and vacuumed some more, all the while knowing the sawdust came from what he loved creating.  Actually, as I was finishing the last of it tonight, I stopped and left a little bit of sawdust in the channel of the table by his table saw.  I just couldn't take that last little bit of what gave him such joy and a sense of accomplishment.

I've spent the past several hours sobbing on and off, talking to him, telling him how sorry I am that he's not here designing, drawing and drafting, and then building.  It gave him such pleasure and he was so good at it.  He did meticulous work that he was proud of.  It took longer than if he had just thrown something together, but the end result was well worth it.  He so loved creating beauty.

I miss him coming in from the shop all sweaty and covered with sawdust with a bit of glue on his fingers or a little nick from this or that.  I miss going up to shower together while he talked about what he had done.  I miss him asking me to come help him and him teaching me stuff.  I miss all of it.

I miss him so much.  He deserves to be here and I think I deserve to have him with me.  I hurt so much tonight, both physically and emotionally.  And this fall, I'm going to have to do it again with the rafters.  I don't even know what all is up there, but I know it will bring back hundreds of memories.  This is all so wrong.

That's all, I guess.  I just needed to vent to people who will not think I'm completely crazy.

[Moment2moment]

Yes , I get it totally. It seems also for me that no one "gets it" in real life and I am also left with more and more grief pain because of that.

Going through their things is both comforting and painful. 

Yesterday I went with a neighbor to our local emergency room. There I encountered several nurses who knew my SO and myself from the years I haunted those halls. I wound up sharing her death story and crying right there on the spot.

My neighbor was admitted to the hospital and none of her local family came to be with her. All were "too busy shopping and getting ready for Easter", yet Grandma is there alone. I went to her house to care for her pets. What is wrong with people?

We walk alone in our personal devastation. I hope you find support here. I hope you get back to a level, peaceful place. I am sorry for your pain.

[KayC]

foreverhis, I am sorry you had to go through this, alone, it's hard.  I've closed the door on the shop and hate to go out there.  Over the years, mice have made a mess and still I can't go in there long enough to clean out the shop.  I close the door.  I only check the mouse trap.  You made progress and I hope you feel good about what you accomplished, you are right it is not easy, and yes you do deserve to have him here. All of us do.

Moment2moment, That is what I like about you...you notice Grandma is alone.  I don't know what is wrong with people.  You get old and feel discarded and alone.  Especially since we no longer have our spouse to go through everything with.

Last night my vacuum cleaner started making a very loud noise, looked on line and it seems it's a motor pulley bearing going out, which means shipping it somewhere for a month...not a good time of year for that when I'll soon need to clean out the fireplace and it leaves a mess everywhere.  And I don't have a box.  I paid a fortune for this vacuum and it's upkeep, George and I bought it together...funny how it brings back memories of so long ago...

[Billie Rae]

Oh Foreverhis,I'm so sad for you.I understand completely,as you know I'm moving in two short weeks and even though I thought I had gotten through the pain of getting rid of his things,of course not.He lived in this house for almost thirty years and I'm finding pictures and building plans from when he had his own company,the plans hurt the worst,he was so proud of being the absolute best carpenter,he never cut corners and could build things even architects said was nearly impossible.People he did work for called years later to say they still love what he did.One lady even made Charlie gingerbread men one Christmas.They were so cute,cookies in carhart and toolbelt[emoji3]I feel as if I'm abandoning him,as if the spirit of him will stay here,I'm losing him all over again.@Lily Bell I love your huge heart,to me kindness is more important than anything,it's what defines who we are and what we will be remembered by.
I love you all
One moment peace
Billie

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[Moment2moment]

I couldn't get rid of her things but I couldn't look at them either. I am in a small apartment so I rented a 10 by 10 storage unit next door and have them over there. The stuff we accumulated after 28 years was "ours" so that remains.

I am frozen with going forward in my grief right now and no longer know what I feel. I am confused and shut down.

I lost my grief counselor last week and can't get another. I am very scared as the year anniversary is in a few weeks. I have no one to talk to anymore.

But I understand all the in and out and swirling emotions in all these changes and losses. I guess understand is not a good word. Maybe "experience" is better.

Hope your evening is peaceful.

Love,

Lily

[Billie Rae]

Lily,if you really need a grief counselor,Dr Phil has DOCTOR ON DEMAND and it's an inexpensive way to get what you need,it's online but you also face time,it's a great service.
Love
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@foreverhis  Im so sorry you had such a tough week.....doing all that mustve been so hard....  I know I need to start at sometime also. I hope today was alittle better day for you.  Thankyou for always being there for others. You say things in such beautiful ways. Thinking of you and sending hugs. Jeanne

[JES]

@Moment2moment  I hope you will find alittle comfort here,  we are all friends and we care.  Your kindness to others shows what kind of a person you are, and I hope some of that kindness will come back to help you through these toughest times.  Jeanne

[JES]

@Billie Rae  Will be thinking of you alot through next couple weeks as you are also facing difficult tasks.  Sending love and hope for alittle strength to get you thru.   Jeanne

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

One lady even made Charlie gingerbread men one Christmas.They were so cute,cookies in carhart and toolbelt

What a special memory!  My dad was a carpenter, the best, so I can relate to what you are saying and feeling.  Difference being it was my mom that had to go through his stuff.  She came home from the funeral and started getting rid of his stuff, my sisters and I thought that was weird, like she didn't have feelings or something, but everyone handles this differently.

13 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I lost my grief counselor last week and can't get another. I am very scared as the year anniversary is in a few weeks. I have no one to talk to anymore.

You have us.  I'm sorry you lost your grief counselor.    It doesn't feel very timely.
https://whatsyourgrief.com/dealing-with-the-anniversary-of-a-loved-ones-death/
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/05/coping-with-anniversary-reactions-in.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/in-grief-dreading-anniversary-date-of.html

[JES]

@foreverhis  I felt I had gathered alittle courage from you as you went thru Toms part of garage and cleaned. I really tried today, I don't even know how to begin or where.  He had so many clothes, shoes, jackets, tools, collections, bicycles and gear, etc.   I like organization but mabbe just not ready, yet its on my mind so much...  I know so many others could use these things.  It took courage to do what you did....I hope to be able to follow your lead at some point, as tough as it was.  Jeanne

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

She came home from the funeral and started getting rid of his stuff, my sisters and I thought that was weird, like she didn't have feelings or something, but everyone handles this differently.

That is so true. 

When I came home from the hospital that last time, I went through the house and got rid of everything that related to his cancer and health issues.  I arranged for the hospital bed to be picked up.  Then I sat there frozen in grief, sobbing and exhausted.

About a week later, I started going through his clothes.  We had, in a fit of optimism, just bought him a whole bunch of his favorites that he never got to wear.  They were returnable, so about 6 weeks later I did in order to help cover expenses.  He would have wanted me to do that, I know that for sure.  I set aside hoodies and sweaters and other things our daughter, granddaughter, and I wanted to keep for comfort.  I set the one tuxedo he'd kept (his best--fine worsted wool with full silk lining; so handsome) aside for our best friend's son, who plays the trombone just like my love did.  He was so thrilled and comforted to have something so special from his "second dad."  Then I sorted out what to donate and what to toss.  It took me a couple of weeks to get things ready, but another 3 months to be able to box up and send things to our daughter.  During that time, I'd found little mementos I knew she'd want to have, so I included them.  It hurt every time I found something special, especially the silly little things, but it was important to me for our girls to have them.

Anyway, one of my sisters-by-choice, the only woman in the family who also lost her husband (3+ years ago now), called regularly during that time and asked if I thought I'd need help down the road going through my love's clothes.  She'd had a hard time and hadn't been able to do it herself.  I told her what I was doing and had done.  She said she was glad I'd been able to do that because she'd felt "weak" when she couldn't.  I reminded her that we're both broken and there's no shame in admitting to all the things we simply can't handle. 

A couple of times she asked me if I was still angry with my love.  I told her I was angry, but not at him.  I'd never been angry with him because he didn't do anything wrong.  I was angry with us together a little bit for not pushing the doctors harder earlier.  And at the doctors more than a little for not taking his change in symptoms seriously enough.  But with him?  No way.  At that point, she was (and she still is) furious with her husband because his cancer was partly caused by his own lifestyle (smoking), and he wouldn't or couldn't stop even after his first cancer was treated successfully.

We both loved our husbands, but how we reacted, what we did, and when we did things were wildly different.  Then again, our relationships were also different.  Her husband was about 10 years older, just like my love was, but I never felt she and her husband had that cell-deep connection my husband and I did.  Not that they weren't well suited or that they didn't have decades long love.  I know they did, which is one reason she's so angry now.

One reason I dislike any sort of "stages of grief" kind of thing is that we're all grieving, but our reactions, behavior, and pain are unique.

 

@Billie Rae 

I have to admit that I thought of you every day I was out in my husband's shop.  Just knowing that I wasn't alone in having to deal with such personal and painful emotions was helpful.  I hope everything is coming along with your move and that you will know I'm thinking of you as you also sort through cherished memories.

 

@Everyone

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive responses.  I knew that you would understand and could relate on a personal level.  It means the world to me that I can come here and just vent it out.

 

[foreverhis]

56 minutes ago, JES said:

I like organization but mabbe just not ready, yet its on my mind so much.

 

I understand.  I am a bit of a neatnik, though not to the OCD level.  It's been weighing on my mind for months.  It took me realizing that I have little projects to do this summer and needed to find things like the hand tool battery chargers to do them, and that last week was really "now or 6 months from now" for me to gather my little bits of strength and get out there.  More than once, I stopped for a break to have a glass of wine and settle my emotions a tiny bit.  In my past life, my husband and I would have been through it in a day and a half.  Alone with all the emotions and memories, it took me almost a week.  Oh well, I'm figuring maybe all that physical activity was good in the long run.

Don't fret, my dear, you'll do it when you're ready.  But I won't kid you about it:  It will not be easy.  I feel all my emotional strength, such as it was, is depleted right now.  I'm thankful we're all here for each other.

[JES]

@foreverhis Thankyou for your kind words.  I do have some places I hope for somethings to go, I gave to family and a good friend afew things of his, that I knew they could use over winter and Im sure they will welcome more. Hope our grandson will want his weight bench and weights.  Im kind of on hold as he is buying a house a mile from me so doesnt have room now. He just turned 21yrs. so Kevin would be so proud of him.  My one son still living with wifes parents so space limited also right now.  Guess Im not meant to do it yet.  Will be better in warmer weather.  So today, I am cleaning out some kitchen cubboards, not much personal in there, but at least I can feel I accomplished something.  Im also thankful for all the caring people here.  Love to all

[KayC]

20 hours ago, JES said:

@foreverhis  I felt I had gathered alittle courage from you as you went thru Toms part of garage and cleaned. I really tried today, I don't even know how to begin or where.  He had so many clothes, shoes, jackets, tools, collections, bicycles and gear, etc.   I like organization but mabbe just not ready, yet its on my mind so much...  I know so many others could use these things.  It took courage to do what you did....I hope to be able to follow your lead at some point, as tough as it was.  Jeanne

Jeanne, maybe if you started not by throwing things away but by pulling out what you want to KEEP and then have a garage sale for the rest?  Then you can put back what you kept in a neat orderly fashion.  It's easier to deal with what we keep than what we throw away.  Do you have a brother or BIL or male friend that could price items?

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I went through the house and got rid of everything that related to his cancer and health issues. 

That is common, I got rid of everything to do with George's job (he was a welder) because I felt they greatly contributed to his death, always pushing him, harder, faster, they used him!  He didn't begin to get the appreciation or compensation due him, they didn't even attend his funeral or send flowers or a card!  They broke his weight restrictions and I blame them for his death.  Got rid of his carhardts, safety awards (thermos, mug), etc.  They already stole all his tools and equipment, my son drove the 75 miles to his job and all they gave him was a shoebox with broken pencils and chalk in it!  He didn't even get his welding hood or his rolling cart/toolbox.  Horrible place.  Country Coach, out of business now.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I reminded her that we're both broken and there's no shame in admitting to all the things we simply can't handle. 

For sure!  I had my crying/screaming times trying to do it.  Godawful-hard.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

she was (and she still is) furious with her husband because his cancer was partly caused by his own lifestyle (smoking), and he wouldn't or couldn't stop even after his first cancer was treated successfully.

I get that...George was a smoker too.  When I met him he'd already quit but after we got married and he was going to college he started up again, I knew it was his way of dealing with his anxiety, and he'd gone off his anxiety medicine when we married because it made him impotent and he didn't want that.  I understood but I'm afraid it cost him his very life.  He had cut back 90% but the doctor said he needed to be off smoking completely to have affect.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

One reason I dislike any sort of "stages of grief" kind of thing is that we're all grieving, but our reactions, behavior, and pain are unique.

I agree.  And again, that book was written as stages of grief for terminal illness not death/loss.  We can go through any combination of things or none at all, we ARE all different!

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

out of business now

I am not generally a vindictive person, but in this case:  Good.  Not that this helps you or George, I know that.  It's just that maybe there is karma in the world and they'll have to pay a price in the next.  Maybe they'll have to answer for how they treated good people.  Maybe not, of course, and it's not up to me to be the "judge" of others then.  I'd just like to believe that while life isn't fair, the universe is ultimately just.  I need to believe that because what happened to my love wasn't fair in any way.  But thinking that there's justice for him, that he's not suffering and is waiting for me somewhere comforting, lovely, and warm, then I can get through the days and nights a little easier.

I'm so sorry that you and George paid such a price for the greediness and thoughtlessness of others.

[foreverhis]

Update:

Yesterday, I was talking to our friend across the street, the one who told my husband he was "watching out" for me on the nights I was home when he was in the hospital or rehab.  I told our friend I'd finished those first sections of the workshop and garage and had made notes on tools to keep, tools to sell, and then all the "not sure yet" items.  I chuckled to him that my husband had more of a variety of cordless drills than I remembered because, much like certain kitchen implements that I seem to collect, he needed the options (plus an extra couple for when I worked with him).  He always bought good quality and used them, so I have no complaints. 

Our friend mentioned that he was thinking of getting small cordless to go with his larger ones.  I asked him to come over today.  See, I have my two favorites and don't need most of the others.  I showed him the smaller size one that was my hubby's favorite for light jobs.  Then I asked if it would work for him and if it would, I wanted him to have it.  His eyes lit up, he asked if I was sure, and said it was perfect, exactly what he needed.  I told him it would make me happy to know he was using it and that my love would be thrilled to know that a fellow woodworker/tinkerer and friend was enjoying it.  I also sent him home with a couple of things for his son, who just bought a house with his wife.  They've got two adorable boys and are simply an wonderful young family.  Giving these small things to people we like and who will appreciate them made my day a little better.

[JES]

@foreverhis  Aww.....that was so nice to do that for your neighbor and his son. Im sure they will think of him, and you whenever they use it.  I feel the same about giving to family and friends,  they will cherish everything and think of him as they wear or use.  It is harder to think of strangers with his things.  I hope it gave you abit of joy to do this, and I just feel Tom was smiling there right next to you with his hand on your shoulder, saying you did good. 

[KayC]

I echo JES' thoughts, I'm glad it will make your neighbor friend happy and he will think of your husband whenever he uses them, I'm sure.

[Billie Rae]

Foreverhis,what a sweet heart you have.And it feels so good to know people will cherish their things.Exactly why I sold Charlie's things so cheap,the young men wanted to start their carpenter careers and it was wonderful to help a new generation of men who work with their hands.
Love you[emoji307][emoji7]

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[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

he will think of your husband whenever he uses them, I'm sure.

And I won't be the least surprised if he ends up using them for one of the little projects he often offers to do for me.  It's very much a full circle sort of thing.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

Foreverhis,what a sweet heart you have.

Right back at you, my dear.  I'd bet anything that your kindness toward those young men will help them on their way to success. 

It's a great thing to encourage the younger generation to learn to love working with their hands creating something special and lasting.  IMO, as a society we focus far too much on "everyone should go to college" and not enough on "young people should be given options that allow them to pursue their passions and skills."  Sure, I have multiple college degrees. The thing is that it's what I wanted, what I was good at, and the right thing for me.  My father was highly educated and a teacher, yet he spent his spare time building/carpentering, tinkering, and working on cars with his best friend.  My husband was a CPA and consultant, but you'd find him happiest either performing music or designing and building/repairing in his workshop. 

One time one of the engineering managers I was working with was ragging on the support staff.  I got angry, but calmly asked what he thought he could do if one of the engineers designed the best airplane in the history of the world, one that would change air travel as we knew it, but there were no technicians to build it or mechanics to maintain it.  He stuttered and had no answer.  My husband and I believe that we are wasting tremendous talent in this country by not building technical and trade schools, including having apprenticeships, and treating them as equally as important as universities. 

What you did out of the goodness of your heart will have lasting benefits.  I'm certain of it.

I'm sending you big hugs and love.

[KayC]

My son has engineering degrees in mechanical, computer, electrical...he works long hours at Garmin in the aeronautics division, but seems happiest when he's working on someone's vehicle or doing home projects.  He's always doing things for others!

Perhaps that is the key.