First Post - Recent Loss of Only Sibling

[llamas]

This is my first time posting and I am struggling. My only sibling passed a few short weeks ago. Thought I would check in for support. 

[missingmybrother_]

I lost my only sibling a few weeks ago. I am so sorry that you are going through the same thing. 

My brother was my best friend in the world. I have no idea what I will do and how to move forward. Thinking about how much my life has changed, for the worse, forever... it's too much. And I feel like people aren't recognizing how painful it is to lose a sibling, especially when you've only got one. The devastation is tremendous.

I am here, struggling too. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Llamas,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that alot of people say that, but please know that mine comes from a place of k knowing what it is like to lose a sibling. We are here. We care. I am also struggling. I want to call my brother. I want him here. We were two years apart and my life was so intertwined with him. It feels like a loss of identity and it’s so painful to know that  I will never see him, hug him, or make more memories together. He had nicknames for me that I’ll never hear again. Now I’m the only one to remember our inside jokes and all of the things that we shared together. I don’t want my post to be about me, I just want to share some of the thoughts in case you are feeling any of them too. I want you to know this is a safe soace to share anything and everything you are feeling. Grief such uncharted territory. My thoughts are with you.

hugs,

Nicole

[reader]

Dear llamas,

I am very sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is great. Please know you are not alone and we are here with you.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[llamas]

On 4/13/2019 at 1:35 PM, missingmybrother_ said:

I lost my only sibling a few weeks ago. I am so sorry that you are going through the same thing. 

My brother was my best friend in the world. I have no idea what I will do and how to move forward. Thinking about how much my life has changed, for the worse, forever... it's too much. And I feel like people aren't recognizing how painful it is to lose a sibling, especially when you've only got one. The devastation is tremendous.

I am here, struggling too. 

I'm sorry you lost your brother too. My sibling was my brother and like you, was my best friend. He was also my protector. Tonight, I am struggling, which is not unlike many nights. I don't know about you but I find the nights the most horrific times. I don't sleep much. I feel the same with regards to the general public's misunderstanding of the pain of losing a sibling, especially in adults. Add to that, an only sibling. I've even questioned whether I'm a sibling anymore, but then I think, of course I am, logically. But I go through moments where I have this internal struggle between the emotional and intellectual parts of me. It makes day to day simple activities and events overwhelming. Especially when grief suddenly comes out of nowhere, uninvited, unannounced. I've cried alone in the middle of a store. I've cried alone in a parking lot. I'm sure I look very not-so-normal but I don't care. Onlookers don't know my pain. And if they cared enough to stop and ask if I'm I need help, I will tell them, "my brother died and I am not OK today".  I'm allowing myself this (not to hide).  

Also, those are good adjectives to describe what we're experiencing: tremendous devastation. It's so painful it physically hurts. Thank you for sharing.

[llamas]

On 4/19/2019 at 4:27 AM, StreamingTheLight said:

Llamas,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that alot of people say that, but please know that mine comes from a place of k knowing what it is like to lose a sibling. We are here. We care. I am also struggling. I want to call my brother. I want him here. We were two years apart and my life was so intertwined with him. It feels like a loss of identity and it’s so painful to know that  I will never see him, hug him, or make more memories together. He had nicknames for me that I’ll never hear again. Now I’m the only one to remember our inside jokes and all of the things that we shared together. I don’t want my post to be about me, I just want to share some of the thoughts in case you are feeling any of them too. I want you to know this is a safe soace to share anything and everything you are feeling. Grief such uncharted territory. My thoughts are with you.

hugs,

Nicole

Thank you Nicole. I’m glad you’re sharing with me. I know that feeling. I had mechanically picked up the phone to call my brother but thought it was too late so I’d text him. Then the reality of him not being here hit and I lost it. I have stayed up at night sobbing, “I just want to talk to you!!!”. I hate the nights, they’re so lonely. I want to say hi to him and tell him how I’m doing. 

Before he passed, my brother had been encouraging me on a career path that I wanted to go for but needed that extra push. He gave me a shove. He was so excited for me especially because we had similar interest. The night I almost called him, I had just finished one of several projects I was working on. He would call to check up on my progress so I thought I would beat him to it. Then it hit me, I can’t do that anymore. I haven’t worked on any projects since his passing. I cannot look at them because they remind me of him. The grief is so overwhelming. I have never felt such devastation in my life like I do now. Some days I can barely leave the house or the couch. 

I think what has contributed to this feeling of complete devastation, at least for me, is how my brother died and how I witnessed all of it. I watched him suffer for over a month. He was physically a strong man. In the end he was not himself. It has left me traumatized and I have panic/anxiety attacks out of no where. I am trying my best but some days my best is just not good enough. I just want my big brother.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Llamas,

Yes. It is so hard to do anything. I want to call my brother, share news with him, hear his jokes, get his advice, see him, hug him, apologize to him. I can’t believe I’m going to admit this...but I stood outside his apartment building a couple of times just staring at it. The lights off inside, knowing he isn’t there. I found him passed away. I couldn’t reach him for days and my last calls and texts that he didn’t reply to (because he was passed away) haunt me. I was so scared that week. I felt something was wrong and in my heart and guy that he was gone. And then, I went to his apartment and my worst nightmare was confirmed. It was the scariest most traumatic time in my life. I have anxiety and panic attacks. Diagnosed with ptsd. Lethargy of not being able to move from the couch. No longer working on my photography which is something my brother was really proud of me about. In his apartment I was the only family member he had pictures of and  had printed a lot of my works and hung them up. It felt good that he did that (knowing we loved each other so much), but it also crushes me now. I have to say one of the best choices I have made since everything is being in therapy. My mind kept circling about how he died and finding him the way that I did. . It still does circle in my mind, but not as much and I know it’s because of the therapy. It’s not a cure all, but we go over coping skills and it is the reason I think I am still here. I want to get to a space in my heart and mind where I can do things he would be proud of me for. I want to be able to live my best life for him. I am going to keep trying. I know it is possible to get to that place because he is the second brother I have lost. With the first brother, I didn’t start therapy until two years after that death and so when this happened, I knew it was imperative for me to do if I was going to survive this. Grief groups have also helped and obviously sharing on this forum and connecting with everyone here. My first brother that passed was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer and they gave him three months to live. It was so painful to watch. Like you said, watching their strength go away. Their bodies betraying them. It makes sense that we feel the way that we do. On a lighter note; the things I try to share about them is that they had big hearts and were so loved! One had beautiful green eyes and the other big brown eyes. I loved to see them laugh. We would always light up when we saw each other with a big hug. We would tease each other, we would tease our parents. The last time I feel like I felt safe was several holidays ago when we all slept at my parents and celebrated and made dinner together. Now, my mom and brothers are gone and it will never be the same. I am determined to keep some traditions and know they are with me in spirit. But ughhh...it is painful. The sibling bond is like nothing else. 

[llamas]

Agree with all you expressed. I feel your pain. Therapy is a whole other painful topic. It’s been challenging for me to find a therapist due to varying reasons out of my control and I am so angry about it. Finally started but it’s been over a month and the damage has been dug deep and I am concerned about how I will dig my way out of it. I have hope but every day, as challenges occur and are greater, it feels more hopeless. I needed the help from when he was sick or at least when he passed.