How much can happen to one person??

[rjrogers]

I've worked in healthcare for over 3 decades in various forms. I've seen individuals and families suffer various forms of trauma and experienced trauma myself, but now I am beginning to question if there is a limit one person can actually experience before they suffer some sort of irreparable damage or some sort?

Almost 14 years ago my world was torn apart. I came home to New Orleans after being down there for almost 2 weeks helping after Hurricane Katrina struck and being told by my wife she had filed for divorce. I was legally forced from my home and separated from my 3 year-old son. I was completely blind sided and not sure how I would survive. I managed for about a year or so and my life got a little better. I then lost my niece in a MVC (she was my older brother's oldest child - my brother had been killed in a MVC years before). My niece's death was hard, but we were not close and she had a difficult life losing her dad when she was 7 or 8, then she lost her mom when she was 15. She struggled for years, so in some ways I guess I saw it as relief for her, she was no longer suffering. At her visitation I ran into one of her good friends of which I had dated 20 years earlier. We picked up right where we left off and our relationship just took off. We became inseparable. She truly became the love of my life. Five years ago she was diagnosed with Stage IIIb cervical cancer. It was a huge blow. She endured the treatment and after 6-7 months was declared cancer-free, although the fear never left because she had to continue coming back for checks frequently. Two years later her cancer returned and she was told it was no longer considered curable and if she desired treatment, all that could be done would be to try to keep it at bay for as long as possible. She chose quality over quantity and declined treatment. She had another couple of years and for the majority of it did fairly well. The cancer and the steroids changed her body of which she hated, but she was still her and for the most part still functional. Eventually she became bed bound and progressed over a few months to where all she could do was feed herself, she couldn't roll, turn, etc. She was almost total care. I was her only care giver and slowly took on more responsibilities caring for her. Through out this I was working full-time and going to grad school full-time attempting to obtain my master's degree and becoming a nurse practitioner. Me finishing school was important to Lisa. Because Lisa and I never officially got married, my work said I did not qualify for FMLA which created stress because I had to miss work at times to care for her. I had a previous diagnosis of PTSD from working and a friend questioned if the stress of everything increased my PTSD symptoms, which I guess it did, but I was just seeing it as being stressed. I was able to qualify for FMLA because of my PTSD diagnosis, thus this relieved some of my stress in that I could take time from work to care for Lisa without getting into trouble. About a month after Lisa became bed bound I finished school and graduated, then took my boards and was officially a non-licensed nurse practitioner. Lisa was so happy and proud. A month later Lisa passed. I was devastated. I took close to a month off from work. I returned back to work just after Thanksgiving last year. I worked Christmas and New Years which I think was a blessing because those were to two next holidays after her death and I believe would have been hard at home by myself.

So, I've still be trying to figure out how to live and survive. I haven't done much since Lisa died. I've spent countless days sitting in my recliner with the TV on, the laptop in my lap and time just passes by. I would have no clue what I did that day; all I would know is I hadn't cleaned the house, hadn't done any laundry, etc. I've had spurts of energy and gotten up to get some stuff done, then find something which brings on a memory of Lisa and I feel like I ran full speed into a brick wall and have to stop, return to my recliner and essentially start over.

Three days ago my manager called me in to have a meeting about some patient complaints. I was nervous because I didn't have a good feeling about the meeting...and it didn't get any better when someone from HR was there for the meeting as well. A few weeks before I had been given a verbal warning for allegedly being rude to a couple of patients.  On Thursday I was shown a couple more complaints where a patient's grandmother believed I was rude, a patient and his wife was confused by my discharge information differed from what the doctor has told them (which they never told me about); thus I was given a final written warning. Then they brought up a complaint received a couple of days before from a patient's son who was verbally aggressive towards the staff and he was mad because he wasn't getting what he wanted and claiming I was rude...when his mom, the patient was telling him everything was okay and she wanted to leave.

So now I'm pretty sure I am going to lose my job. I forgot to mention back in May of last year my brother turned up missing. I had to leave school for a week to go find him. I found him in jail which was a total surprise and completely unexpected. He was charged with 10 felony counts and the crime he was charged with was unbelievable and not something the person I believed I knew would do. In September he had his trial and because I was a witness I couldn't sit in and hear any of the testimony or any of the evidence so I could try to determine for myself if I believed any of the charges. Long story short, he was found guilty and sentenced to like 28 years in prison. From the time I found where he was, he made me is power of attorney. He began wanting me to do stuff which just didn't make any sense and he wouldn't listen to my advice and that is its own story...needless to say it increased my stress level to what I thought was almost to my breaking point.

I haven't gone to any actual counseling as of yet. I had been thinking maybe I needed to take some more time off of work so I could go to counseling and focus on myself for a bit, then this happens last week.

I don't know if I have lost my job or not and not sure when I will find that out. What I do know is my anxiety and emotions went through the roof...again. The only stability I had was my job. I know I had a job and I had something to get up to go do my 3 days a week. Most of the time I didn't feel like going, but I would push through and for the most part be happy I did because I work with some really great people. Now I believe I am going to lose that as well.

So, how much can a person endure? How much can happen before they just lose it and/or lose touch with reality? I know Wednesday night, Thursday and even on Friday I just didn't want to exist! I willed for my heart to just stop. I'm not so sure I "wanted" to hurt myself, but I didn't want to be around, I didn't want to be here. Did I have suicidal thoughts, yeah, but I've had fleeting thoughts for years, typically when really stressed. They were more frequent those few days. They have backed off of recent. I still feel anxious. I have some medication I can take and have been taking it more here recently. I prefer to not take any because it is easy to get to where you feel like you "have" to have it and I would prefer to not take any medication.

So, I sit here by myself, scared and not sure which direction to turn or what to do. I feel like my brain is broken because I will think of something and walk 10 feet and cannot for the life of me remember what I had been thinking about, so I feel like I can't remember anything, except those things causing my anxiety.   I feel alone. My couple of friends don't really understand; they understand the stress from the potential loss of a job, but the don't understand the other part, the loss of my Lisa; then to combine that with the possible loss of a job. My oldest son, I went to visit him on Thursday to try to talk with him and share how I was feeling inside, but he apparently doesn't do well with this stuff so he kept changing the subject and seemed like he didn't want to hear about it. I picked up my youngest (16) son on Friday and I shared with him what was happening with my job and he listened. I'm not sure it was fair to him to discuss it with him. It has been nice having him here this weekend, but I have to take him back home here in a few hours, so after that I'll be alone again.

For years really it was just me and Lisa. We were each other's sole support. Regardless of what was going on we were there for each other. We both lost jobs during our time together. We both found new jobs during that time. She lost her dad, then her mom. She got sick and then went through the dying process. We were always there for each other. I don't have that any more.

I apologize for the length of this. I am clueless as to what to do. If I could duplicate me, I would be there and provide as much support as possible to the other me.  Attempt to find some way to make the other me find some security.

So, I still feel lost. Now, not only because I lost Lisa, but because I fear I have also lost my job.

[Moment2moment]

You are certainly in emotional overload after all you have been through. As to how much one can endure, I think it depends on the person and their temprement and support system. 

Without my spirituality and fighting attitude I never would have made it this far since 2005. My partner and I lost everything over and over during the recession and then her health began to decline in stages. This is the first year that I, as the sole survivor, might have a chance at a life again.

The old saying, "Whatever doesn't't kill you makes you stronger" seems to apply.

I am in recovery from it all now. Just trying to keep one foot out of the grave myself, one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.

You are strong and loving-you have come this far, to this day, to this hour.

I wish you peace and calm from here on out.

Love, 

Lily Bell

[HPB]

At times life - or call it fate or God - seems to pile up way too much, and it appears that it's piling up in a way to test at which point we break down.

Life is unfair, and often it's not people that are indifferent and just doing the minimum, but those who are - like you  - working engaged and with their full commitment getting into trouble. You experienced before so much tragedy of life, and now you risk to lose your job. I can't judge if the accusations in the hospital against you are justified or not, but after all you had/have to endure it would be more than understandable that  - after getting thin-skinned -  you could not behave and act in an other way than you did. May be you should try to get in contact with HR and tell them about what you have to shoulder already, about your horrific loss, and that you are doing your best; as good as it is possible under the very circumstances. Any reasonable HR staff should take that into account, and be helpful to not destroy more than already is.

You have kids and in such way you are not completely alone. But be careful, staying home alone for an extended period in this condition is hell on earth. After my loss, finding myself in a new isolated environment and without job, staying at home day after day, it was just due to the grace of God or something that I didn't become completely insane (so far).

Your fate is heartbreaking, but know you are not alone. This is the place where other people don't judge, but understand. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, rjrogers said:

I've worked in healthcare for over 3 decades in various forms. I've seen individuals and families suffer various forms of trauma and experienced trauma myself, but now I am beginning to question if there is a limit one person can actually experience before they suffer some sort of irreparable damage or some sort?

Almost 14 years ago my world was torn apart. I came home to New Orleans after being down there for almost 2 weeks helping after Hurricane Katrina struck and being told by my wife she had filed for divorce. I was legally forced from my home and separated from my 3 year-old son. I was completely blind sided and not sure how I would survive. I managed for about a year or so and my life got a little better. I then lost my niece in a MVC (she was my older brother's oldest child - my brother had been killed in a MVC years before). My niece's death was hard, but we were not close and she had a difficult life losing her dad when she was 7 or 8, then she lost her mom when she was 15. She struggled for years, so in some ways I guess I saw it as relief for her, she was no longer suffering. At her visitation I ran into one of her good friends of which I had dated 20 years earlier. We picked up right where we left off and our relationship just took off. We became inseparable. She truly became the love of my life. Five years ago she was diagnosed with Stage IIIb cervical cancer. It was a huge blow. She endured the treatment and after 6-7 months was declared cancer-free, although the fear never left because she had to continue coming back for checks frequently. Two years later her cancer returned and she was told it was no longer considered curable and if she desired treatment, all that could be done would be to try to keep it at bay for as long as possible. She chose quality over quantity and declined treatment. She had another couple of years and for the majority of it did fairly well. The cancer and the steroids changed her body of which she hated, but she was still her and for the most part still functional. Eventually she became bed bound and progressed over a few months to where all she could do was feed herself, she couldn't roll, turn, etc. She was almost total care. I was her only care giver and slowly took on more responsibilities caring for her. Through out this I was working full-time and going to grad school full-time attempting to obtain my master's degree and becoming a nurse practitioner. Me finishing school was important to Lisa. Because Lisa and I never officially got married, my work said I did not qualify for FMLA which created stress because I had to miss work at times to care for her. I had a previous diagnosis of PTSD from working and a friend questioned if the stress of everything increased my PTSD symptoms, which I guess it did, but I was just seeing it as being stressed. I was able to qualify for FMLA because of my PTSD diagnosis, thus this relieved some of my stress in that I could take time from work to care for Lisa without getting into trouble. About a month after Lisa became bed bound I finished school and graduated, then took my boards and was officially a non-licensed nurse practitioner. Lisa was so happy and proud. A month later Lisa passed. I was devastated. I took close to a month off from work. I returned back to work just after Thanksgiving last year. I worked Christmas and New Years which I think was a blessing because those were to two next holidays after her death and I believe would have been hard at home by myself.

So, I've still be trying to figure out how to live and survive. I haven't done much since Lisa died. I've spent countless days sitting in my recliner with the TV on, the laptop in my lap and time just passes by. I would have no clue what I did that day; all I would know is I hadn't cleaned the house, hadn't done any laundry, etc. I've had spurts of energy and gotten up to get some stuff done, then find something which brings on a memory of Lisa and I feel like I ran full speed into a brick wall and have to stop, return to my recliner and essentially start over.

Three days ago my manager called me in to have a meeting about some patient complaints. I was nervous because I didn't have a good feeling about the meeting...and it didn't get any better when someone from HR was there for the meeting as well. A few weeks before I had been given a verbal warning for allegedly being rude to a couple of patients.  On Thursday I was shown a couple more complaints where a patient's grandmother believed I was rude, a patient and his wife was confused by my discharge information differed from what the doctor has told them (which they never told me about); thus I was given a final written warning. Then they brought up a complaint received a couple of days before from a patient's son who was verbally aggressive towards the staff and he was mad because he wasn't getting what he wanted and claiming I was rude...when his mom, the patient was telling him everything was okay and she wanted to leave.

So now I'm pretty sure I am going to lose my job. I forgot to mention back in May of last year my brother turned up missing. I had to leave school for a week to go find him. I found him in jail which was a total surprise and completely unexpected. He was charged with 10 felony counts and the crime he was charged with was unbelievable and not something the person I believed I knew would do. In September he had his trial and because I was a witness I couldn't sit in and hear any of the testimony or any of the evidence so I could try to determine for myself if I believed any of the charges. Long story short, he was found guilty and sentenced to like 28 years in prison. From the time I found where he was, he made me is power of attorney. He began wanting me to do stuff which just didn't make any sense and he wouldn't listen to my advice and that is its own story...needless to say it increased my stress level to what I thought was almost to my breaking point.

I haven't gone to any actual counseling as of yet. I had been thinking maybe I needed to take some more time off of work so I could go to counseling and focus on myself for a bit, then this happens last week.

I don't know if I have lost my job or not and not sure when I will find that out. What I do know is my anxiety and emotions went through the roof...again. The only stability I had was my job. I know I had a job and I had something to get up to go do my 3 days a week. Most of the time I didn't feel like going, but I would push through and for the most part be happy I did because I work with some really great people. Now I believe I am going to lose that as well.

So, how much can a person endure? How much can happen before they just lose it and/or lose touch with reality? I know Wednesday night, Thursday and even on Friday I just didn't want to exist! I willed for my heart to just stop. I'm not so sure I "wanted" to hurt myself, but I didn't want to be around, I didn't want to be here. Did I have suicidal thoughts, yeah, but I've had fleeting thoughts for years, typically when really stressed. They were more frequent those few days. They have backed off of recent. I still feel anxious. I have some medication I can take and have been taking it more here recently. I prefer to not take any because it is easy to get to where you feel like you "have" to have it and I would prefer to not take any medication.

So, I sit here by myself, scared and not sure which direction to turn or what to do. I feel like my brain is broken because I will think of something and walk 10 feet and cannot for the life of me remember what I had been thinking about, so I feel like I can't remember anything, except those things causing my anxiety.   I feel alone. My couple of friends don't really understand; they understand the stress from the potential loss of a job, but the don't understand the other part, the loss of my Lisa; then to combine that with the possible loss of a job. My oldest son, I went to visit him on Thursday to try to talk with him and share how I was feeling inside, but he apparently doesn't do well with this stuff so he kept changing the subject and seemed like he didn't want to hear about it. I picked up my youngest (16) son on Friday and I shared with him what was happening with my job and he listened. I'm not sure it was fair to him to discuss it with him. It has been nice having him here this weekend, but I have to take him back home here in a few hours, so after that I'll be alone again.

For years really it was just me and Lisa. We were each other's sole support. Regardless of what was going on we were there for each other. We both lost jobs during our time together. We both found new jobs during that time. She lost her dad, then her mom. She got sick and then went through the dying process. We were always there for each other. I don't have that any more.

I apologize for the length of this. I am clueless as to what to do. If I could duplicate me, I would be there and provide as much support as possible to the other me.  Attempt to find some way to make the other me find some security.

So, I still feel lost. Now, not only because I lost Lisa, but because I fear I have also lost my job.

Wow.  You are going through a lot.  The first thought that struck me was you need to unload some of what is causing you stress/anxiety...I have GAD and have had times my anxiety was through the roof...losing your partner is one of those times.  So is losing your job.  You can't change either of those at this point but you can minimize what you can...that is, let your brother know you are no longer his POA.  He can understand or not understand, that is on him.  I know he's your brother, but he got himself into his situation and you can't control that, you can only do what you can to keep yourself afloat.  

The other thing is, even if you lose your job, you can, and hopefully will, do everything in your power to get another job as soon as possible.  Just because a person gets fired does not necessarily mean they aren't entitled to unemployment benefits.  Take any job you can get while you're continuing to look for another job in your line of work.  Anything to pay the bills.  When George died, my income was cut in half and bills were pouring in from the hospital, doctors, ambulance, I had to remortgage my house to cover everything, $72,000.  Then I lost my job.  It took me 5 1/2 months to land another and I had to commute 100 miles/day.  Then my car went belly up, cost more than it was worth to fix it, so I bought another car, $15,000.  On and on it went, it was the beginning of the recession.  I lost my job three times during the recession, the last time I retired...I'd encountered age discrimination and just didn't feel I could do it any more.  That first week I found out I needed a new roof.  A storm destroyed my patio roof (30' x 14') and the first contractor destroyed what was left of it.  Second one put it up in two hours but left out the wiggle mold and it leaked everywhere.  Third contractor was a charm.  Then I needed to replace my garage roof (double garage, shop, and storage room).  Hired contractor that was a charm.  Five roofs I've paid for in five years.  This recent storm did a lot of damage to my place and Lord knows what it'll cost to right it all.

But you know what?  I've made it.  I never missed a meal, I never went without heat, shelter.  You will make it too.  When I looked for work, I spent all day every other day at it...the off days were for replenishment.  It's hard to take rejection and discouragement every day and remain positive, so I developed the strategy of every other day, I'd be at it 13 hours on the days I was looking.  And I made it, just in the nick of time.  

If you need anti-anxiety medicine, see your doctor, I'm on Buspirone (Buspar) and will likely be on it for life.  It takes just enough of the edge off (I'm on the lowest dose) to make life a little more cope-able but doesn't make me a zombie.

Meditation helps.  Start with short ones and work your way up from there.  There's a lot of free meditations here: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/7778-meditation/

I've heard lavender is good for calming...I don't use it because I don't like the scent, but most people do.

[Pim]

Dear Rick,

let me first say that I am so sorry for all the hardships you have had to endure in life. You strike me as such a giving person. Life can be really unfair to the people who least deserve it (don't we all know it).

A lot of advice has already been given. I would certainly follow HPB's advice and talk once more with your HR manager and explain you situation and your view on everything that happened at work.

Hang on brother, something tells me you will be all right.

Hugs, Pim