What am I still doing here?

[Pim]

Today it really hit me: what am I still doing here? On this planet. In this life.

Imagine, today was actually a good day! My neighbour from my former address, downtown, took me out to a Sunday morning movie ("Can you ever forgive me", a great movie by the way, I liked the main character maybe because I could relate to her). And then to lunch. My neighbour was so kind to me.

Then returning to my clean, rainy suburb, to my four room modern apartment, which really was intended for me AND Rob to live in, I asked myself this question: what am I still doing here?

For example, why couldn't I have died when Rob died. Why can't I just not wake up in the morning.

Oh yes, I know. I'm sounding terribly ungrateful. Life is a gift. You should make the most of it while you can. And look at these wonderful friends you have. Yes, I know, I know, I know.

I will go to sleep early. As I often do these days. May be read awhile, or listen to a podcast on YouTube. What else. I seem to have lost all desire to create something myself. Or I don't have the energy.

Tomorrow a new working day. Business as usual. It all feels so... futile. So pointless.

[rjrogers]

I don't think you sound ungrateful, I think you sound real. Personally, I believe the people who make comments like that just don't have a clue. They have never experienced a loss like this. I may have had those thoughts too early in my career as a paramedic or nurse, but I haven't had them for a long time. I understand the soldiers who come home and have guilt about being the only one to survive out of their unit. One might tell them they should be elated they survived, but the reality is they are anything but elated. They wish they were dead as well.

The same goes for the father who is the only survivor of an auto accident where he lost his wife and 2 children. One might say, you were blessed to have survived. I'm sure his thoughts are "Really? I'm blessed? I'm blessed to come home every day to an empty house which is now cold, which was previously so full of energy, love and chaos."

If it is wrong to feel that way, then I'm right there with you. I've wished so many times in recent past that my heart would just stop or I would lie down to go to bed and hope not to work up in the morning. Personally, I find myself staying up way late at night because I don't want to go to bed and have to get up the next morning to start another day and have to do all of it all over again.

I feel your pain. Because of who I am, as an individual and a caregiver, I wish there was a way to take your pain away; a way to take your suffering away; somehow make it all better. It happens in the movies right? The reality is, I have no clue and I'm sorry.  I will listen to you complain, yell, scream, cry, sob, criticize, whatever it is you feel the need to do...and I'll understand.

[Pim]

Dear Rick,

thank you for understanding.

I just read your impressive story. You and Lisa had this very special relationship that is so hard to find in life. Then to lose your loved one to a terrible disease, it's devastating. I know.

How are you doing now?

Hugs, Pim

[rjrogers]

52 minutes ago, Pim said:

Dear Rick,

thank you for understanding.

I just read your impressive story. You and Lisa had this very special relationship that is so hard to find in life. Then to lose your loved one to a terrible disease, it's devastating. I know.

How are you doing now?

Hugs, Pim

Would you believe worse??

I just made another post. It seems I may have lost my job as well. I just want it all to go away. I want it back.  I want to life Lisa and I shared before she got sick. I want a job where I can feel secure and feel like I am able to help those who need help; somewhere I can use the gifts and talents I've been given. I want to be happy.  It has been so long since I have truly felt happiness for any length of time. I want to the pain and sadness to go away. Sometimes I wish I could be like a patient with alzheimer's, they get frustrated because they can't remember things, they can't remember people, etc. but they also can't remember the pain and sadness; as that person I would no longer be a productive member of society, which I also don't want to become. Which is why I understand; I just don't want to be anymore.

I feel for the last, I don't know, twenty plus years I have been fighting, clawing, struggling for the life I desire and when I have finally gotten close, all of this other stuff happens and I feel like I get shoved years backwards in my progress. I feel like I have lost my ability or even desire to fight.

So, yeah, I understand. Again, I wish I had words or anything to make your experience better or even easier. It is my hope your path has less obstacles. I'm not sure any of it could be easier, I guess that is a matter of perception, but to each of us it will be hard for us and can't really be compared to someone else's experience. I believe there is a huge point, we cannot compare our struggles. It isn't fair to do this. If we do, I fear we will try to discredit our feelings and try to say to ourselves we shouldn't be feeling the way we do because look at so and so. My situation isn't near as bad as theirs. This isn't true at all. Each of our situations are bad for us. They are affecting us and I believe we need to acknowledge how we are feeling, good, bad, or indifferent. Because it is where we are at and how we are feeling. I'm not sure any of that makes sense, but it kind of does in my mind

I wish you good minutes. Then I wish those minutes can come together and give you a good hour, then the hours combine to days and so on. I'm back to minutes and hours at this point.

[Moment2moment]

11 hours ago, Pim said:

Today it really hit me: what am I still doing here? On this planet. In this life.

Imagine, today was actually a good day! My neighbour from my former address, downtown, took me out to a Sunday morning movie ("Can you ever forgive me", a great movie by the way, I liked the main character maybe because I could relate to her). And then to lunch. My neighbour was so kind to me.

Then returning to my clean, rainy suburb, to my four room modern apartment, which really was intended for me AND Rob to live in, I asked myself this question: what am I still doing here?

For example, why couldn't I have died when Rob died. Why can't I just not wake up in the morning.

Oh yes, I know. I'm sounding terribly ungrateful. Life is a gift. You should make the most of it while you can. And look at these wonderful friends you have. Yes, I know, I know, I know.

I will go to sleep early. As I often do these days. May be read awhile, or listen to a podcast on YouTube. What else. I seem to have lost all desire to create something myself. Or I don't have the energy.

Tomorrow a new working day. Business as usual. It all feels so... futile. So pointless.

I read your post and I too have had days like this. I talked about what it is like in the thread about the "black pit".

No one around me gets it and I no longer expect them to. This grief often makes no sense at all and there seems to be no joy, no consolation. 

My best coping technique is to pull my focus into the present any way I can. Eventually the darkness passes.

What scares me most is i never know when it will engulf me again.

We have to find our purpose, I do know that. My dogs keep me focused on caring for them as a reason to go on some days when the dark pit yawns before me. It is about all I have got to keep me here.

I know it is tough beyond description. You know they say it gets easier. I don't know about that. I am 10 months out and for me it seems harder.

It scares me when it is getting harder and the black pit seems to come more often. I am going back to see my therapist on Tuesday. I need someone to talk to in person.

My love and prayers and thoughts are with you. Rest and take care of yourself.

I hope your tomorrow is better.

Love,

Lily Bell

 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Pim said:

what am I still doing here?

I think that is a question all of us face and it can take years to figure it out...to create a reason for living, find a purpose.  At least it did me.  Nothing is as it was before, we all realize that and it's a hard realization.  Yes, life is a "gift" but there are times it doesn't FEEL much like one, it feels like something we'd rather not have if it means doing it alone, without the person we love.  

I know some of you are probably sick of me telling you this, but you don't have to be years into this to find joy...for me it began on day eleven of my journey.  I was coming out of my eye appt. and saw a rack of sale items on the sidewalk, from the store next door.  My eyes were drawn toward a dragonfly refrigerator magnet...I believe I was meant to see it and the dragonfly was used as a lure to get my attention...here is a picture of it.  I began to look for what joy there had been in my day, each and every day.  Sometimes it was a stretch to find something, anything counted, no matter how small, nothing was too trivial...a phone call from a friend, someone letting me merge in traffic, someone holding the door open for me, a puppy's kiss, all of these are what I call the "little joys".  My big joy (George) was gone, but there are little joys.  I learned not to compare, comparisons are a joy-killer.  I began to learn the art of living in the present.  When you live in the past or future, you miss what IS.  I don't want to miss anything good, I need all the good I can get.

[Pim]

14 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

My best coping technique is to pull my focus into the present any way I can. Eventually the darkness passes.

What scares me most is i never know when it will engulf me again.

...

I hope your tomorrow is better.

 

4 hours ago, KayC said:

My big joy (George) was gone, but there are little joys.  I learned not to compare, comparisons are a joy-killer.  I began to learn the art of living in the present.  When you live in the past or future, you miss what IS.  I don't want to miss anything good, I need all the good I can get.

Thanks for your replies. Common to your replies is living in the present. I will try that.

Today was somewhat better but today is a normal working day. It's the weekends that I fear. Even when I have some activity in them, those are my saddest days in the week. And to be engulfed by the darkness again also scares me.

I really should start taking up my old hobbies but I seem to have a serious problem with energy and focus.

[JES]

@Pim  For some reason the weekends are really tough for me too,  I don't work so am home weekdays also but they arent like the dreaded weekend. Could it be that we know everyone that is a couple is off work and enjoying with their partner?  While we sit alone without ours?  I don't consciously think of it that way but maybe its in my subconscious mind.  I've been pushing myself to do alittle (wall, ceiling) painting which I used to love to do, and find hardest part is just getting started. Once Im doing, it goes easier and some of the focus comes through.  I talk to Kevin, he answers me ( in my mind) the whole time.  He even tells me to quit..you' ve done enough Jeanne,  just as he did when he was still here. Sounds crazy but gets me through.  Hope you will be able to try an old hobby or maybe even a new one to help you get through also.

[Moment2moment]

I now have a 4 day weekend and Sunday falls within it. I am planning on taking up bird watching and ramping up my rural and nature photography with a better camera. I am going to toss my dog in the suv and do some day trips and maybe some overnight outings once spring comes. There are some natural and historical sites I want to visit.

This will get me out of the house doing something fun and creative. While I am driving I will enjoy music and audible books and sample "mom and pop" restaurants along the way. That is the plan anyway. I hope it works.

Just sitting around too much sets up the welcome sign for the Black Pit and the less it visits the better.

[ModKatB]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I think that is a question all of us face and it can take years to figure it out...to create a reason for living, find a purpose.  At least it did me.  Nothing is as it was before, we all realize that and it's a hard realization.  Yes, life is a "gift" but there are times it doesn't FEEL much like one, it feels like something we'd rather not have if it means doing it alone, without the person we love.  

I know some of you are probably sick of me telling you this, but you don't have to be years into this to find joy...for me it began on day eleven of my journey.  I was coming out of my eye appt. and saw a rack of sale items on the sidewalk, from the store next door.  My eyes were drawn toward a dragonfly refrigerator magnet...I believe I was meant to see it and the dragonfly was used as a lure to get my attention...here is a picture of it.  I began to look for what joy there had been in my day, each and every day.  Sometimes it was a stretch to find something, anything counted, no matter how small, nothing was too trivial...a phone call from a friend, someone letting me merge in traffic, someone holding the door open for me, a puppy's kiss, all of these are what I call the "little joys".  My big joy (George) was gone, but there are little joys.  I learned not to compare, comparisons are a joy-killer.  I began to learn the art of living in the present.  When you live in the past or future, you miss what IS.  I don't want to miss anything good, I need all the good I can get.

@KayC I like the idea of finding a little bit of joy in each day. 

[SSC]

4 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I now have a 4 day weekend and Sunday falls within it. I am planning on taking up bird watching and ramping up my rural and nature photography with a better camera. I am going to toss my dog in the suv and do some day trips and maybe some overnight outings once spring comes. There are some natural and historical sites I want to visit.

This will get me out of the house doing something fun and creative. While I am driving I will enjoy music and audible books and sample "mom and pop" restaurants along the way. That is the plan anyway. I hope it works.

Just sitting around too much sets up the welcome sign for the Black Pit and the less it visits the better.

I love this!!  Let us know how it goes for you.  I have a similar plan for myself this summer  

[Pim]

14 hours ago, JES said:

@Pim Could it be that we know everyone that is a couple is off work and enjoying with their partner?  While we sit alone without ours?  I don't consciously think of it that way but maybe its in my subconscious mind.

Yes, I am quite sure it works that way because before I had a relationship with Rob, I also had that feeling. The weekend just "feels" different. You OUGHT to be with someone and enjoy yourself some whining Woody Allen voice says to me.

[Pim]

12 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I now have a 4 day weekend and Sunday falls within it. I am planning on taking up bird watching and ramping up my rural and nature photography with a better camera. I am going to toss my dog in the suv and do some day trips and maybe some overnight outings once spring comes. There are some natural and historical sites I want to visit.

This will get me out of the house doing something fun and creative. While I am driving I will enjoy music and audible books and sample "mom and pop" restaurants along the way. That is the plan anyway. I hope it works.

Just sitting around too much sets up the welcome sign for the Black Pit and the less it visits the better.

How courageous!

[Pim]

On 3/11/2019 at 4:50 PM, KayC said:

My big joy (George) was gone, but there are little joys.  I learned not to compare, comparisons are a joy-killer.  I began to learn the art of living in the present.  When you live in the past or future, you miss what IS.  I don't want to miss anything good, I need all the good I can get.

Just one more remark on this: what I find is that my life has become so terribly boring. I have a hard time to keep myself entertained. Maybe my life with Rob was boring in the first place, it probably was for the outsider, but we didn't care a bit.

But now to face all the boredom alone. I hate it. I really do. That is what I meant by futile and pointless.

I am not progressing much, am I?

[LeannC45]

On 3/10/2019 at 10:59 AM, Pim said:

Today it really hit me: what am I still doing here? On this planet. In this life.

Imagine, today was actually a good day! My neighbour from my former address, downtown, took me out to a Sunday morning movie ("Can you ever forgive me", a great movie by the way, I liked the main character maybe because I could relate to her). And then to lunch. My neighbour was so kind to me.

Then returning to my clean, rainy suburb, to my four room modern apartment, which really was intended for me AND Rob to live in, I asked myself this question: what am I still doing here?

For example, why couldn't I have died when Rob died. Why can't I just not wake up in the morning.

Oh yes, I know. I'm sounding terribly ungrateful. Life is a gift. You should make the most of it while you can. And look at these wonderful friends you have. Yes, I know, I know, I know.

I will go to sleep early. As I often do these days. May be read awhile, or listen to a podcast on YouTube. What else. I seem to have lost all desire to create something myself. Or I don't have the energy.

Tomorrow a new working day. Business as usual. It all feels so... futile. So pointless.

This post really resonated with me. I cried my eyes out last night because I had a three day weekend alone yet again. My husband made my life full and now it feels empty. I have to do the work to fill my life back up and that feels daunting. I really do want so badly to feel happy but it is a daily struggle. I do find joy and laugh at times but this transition is brutal. I think all the time about my own mortality now. We all know that the length of our lives is not a promise but when you are faced with someone being ripped away it really brings it home. Sorry if I sound so down it is just where I am at in this moment. Sending out prayers and hugs to all.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Pim said:

I am not progressing much, am I?

The "progression" as you call it (what I call processing) can take a VERY long time (it took me at least three years and everyone is different in their timeline)...it has not been that long for you, try to be patient and understanding of yourself.  The tears, listlessness, despondency, it's all part of it...

[Pim]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

The "progression" as you call it (what I call processing) can take a VERY long time (it took me at least three years and everyone is different in their timeline)...it has not been that long for you, try to be patient and understanding of yourself.  The tears, listlessness, despondency, it's all part of it...

Thanks, KayC.

[PhantomBride]

On 3/10/2019 at 12:59 PM, Pim said:

 

Today it really hit me: what am I still doing here? On this planet. In this life.

 

Hello,

i do understand your point, I ask this to myself almost every day, it’s been a year and I still do.

i guess we have days were we feel heavier than others (for me today is one of those days).

i see you go out and distract yourself, that’s good cause in my case I’ve isolated from everything n everyone cause I feel like there won’t be any understanding what I feel.

i hug you in distance, and in anytime if u need, I’ll be around.

 

xoxo

[Billie Rae]

Pim,This hasn't been that long for you and for a while(different for each of us)it's like a waltz,one step forward one step back and sometimes two steps back.Remember that you loved for a long time so don't rush yourself through this,let yourself feel what you feel and when you feel it this is a marathon not a sprint my love.our hearts are all together in this.Love
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@Billie Rae  I couldn't say it better.  @Pim  Prayers for each tomorrow to get a bit better for you, and a little sunshine to creep in....thinking of you and sending you hugs.

[KayC]

I've heard it said, three steps forward and two steps back...in my mind that is still an overall forward progression, even if you're in the stepping back mode.

[JES]

We are all here again at the (dreaded) weekend.  My wish is that the sun is shining and that we all may find alittle something to keep ourselves busy and our minds occupied so the time goes quickly.  Love to all. Jeanne