Just want to talk with people who may know how to deal with the loss of my children's mother and my partner of 14 years

[Anthony123]

I lost my girlfriend of 14 years and my children's mother in October of 2018, she was 32. I just Googled bereavement as I have no idea how to deal with this and this site came up. Not sure why I'm even here. Just want someone to tell me how to deal with it. How to talk to my kids about it. Stuff like that.

Of anyone can just give me a simple piece of advice, a tip...anything I would appreciate it

 

Thanks..ant x

[Billie Rae]

I lost my girlfriend of 14 years and my children's mother in October of 2018, she was 32. I just Googled bereavement as I have no idea how to deal with this and this site came up. Not sure why I'm even here. Just want someone to tell me how to deal with it. How to talk to my kids about it. Stuff like that.
Of anyone can just give me a simple piece of advice, a tip...anything I would appreciate it
 
Thanks..ant x

Oh sweetheart,we all grieve differently.Reach out to Kayc,our wise Angel.I can tell you to make time for your grief and let yourself feel what you feel,I've been around and around with sorrow,anger and guilt.Do not let anyone set timelines for your grief it belongs to you.and stay here with us because we all get it.We are at different stages some a few weeks some 14 years.This group has saved me.My loss was January 16 2019.My heart goes out to you and your children.it makes me so sad that on here there are several of you guys who have been left with children,that breaks my heart.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

I am so sorry about the loss of your love....   I feel your pain... I lost my husband of 25 yrs on Sept 23, 2018.  I've raised 3 children but honestly, I couldn't venture to give advice on how to talk to them about this, I' ll  leave that to others with more knowledge.   I have found coming to this site to share, vent,  talk to others who are in same situation, really has helped me.  It helps that people here understand what you are going through,  do not judge, and basically just are there to help you through.  We are all mostly on same journey as you are, at different points of time,  please feel free to talk or share your feelings, memories, concerns, etc.   

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4 hours ago, Anthony123 said:

How to talk to my kids about it.

There is a section on this form that deals with the loss of a parent , Were kids or young adults post. Take a look at it for, This may give you an insight as to what questions they "kids" have and how they're dealing with it.

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[PhantomBride]

On 2/25/2019 at 6:31 PM, Anthony123 said:

I lost my girlfriend of 14 years and my children's mother in October of 2018, she was 32. I just Googled bereavement as I have no idea how to deal with this and this site came up. Not sure why I'm even here. Just want someone to tell me how to deal with it. How to talk to my kids about it. Stuff like that.

Of anyone can just give me a simple piece of advice, a tip...anything I would appreciate it

 

Thanks..ant x

I’m very sorry for your loss, i know how it feels to lose someone so important in your life.

i also found this site while I was looking desperately for any advice or tip on how to stop feeling that bad (I did it while crying like crazy st my desk at my ex job). I don’t have advice tbh cause I also feel pain, my fiancé passed away a year ago on feb 23, all I can say to you is that if u ever need to vent or talk about anything you can message and I’ll reply back. I know how hard it gets and I wish I could have the response to all the pain we’re going through...

i don’t have kids yet, but depends on the age... I’d talk to them about how beautiful mommy is and the amazing things she did (I also lost my mom 3yrs ago), make them know n feel she’s and she’ll always present.

 

xo

[Marcel]

Hi Anthony,

there is no way to really "deal" with it. This is something noone is prepared for and this is something noone really gets over with ever.
With that in mind it's important to be yourself. To let yourself feel what you feel without judgement and without trying to meet anyone's expectations. You will probably have feelings of grief, sorrow, guilt, anger, regret, disbelief, emptiness etc. and all of them are necessary stages of this journey. Overtime you will get a better understanding of your grief and hopefully manage to focus more on what you've had than what you have lost.
I don't know how old your kids are. My daughter was 20 when her mum left and she saw it coming as she had experienced her illness and decline first hand for years. With younger kids it may be even harder.
Hang in there and keep coming here. There are a lot of caring people here to support each other and unlike our family and "friends" everyone here knows what you're talking about.

[Sunflower2]

20 hours ago, Marcel said:

Hi Anthony,

there is no way to really "deal" with it. This is something noone is prepared for and this is something noone really gets over with ever.
With that in mind it's important to be yourself. To let yourself feel what you feel without judgement and without trying to meet anyone's expectations. You will probably have feelings of grief, sorrow, guilt, anger, regret, disbelief, emptiness etc. and all of them are necessary stages of this journey. Overtime you will get a better understanding of your grief and hopefully manage to focus more on what you've had than what you have lost.

@Marcel so beautifully and simply stated. 

@Anthony123so much is so raw now.  In darkness you will find little pieces of light to guide you through this journey. Even in the excruciating pain you will discover what is healing and helpful to you.  It is a journey you travel alone in.  In time this will make some sense.  Right now focusing on immediate needs and doing your best to just move one foot forward an inch is healing. 

You will find resources, books etc that may give you comfort.  If you can manage some focus go through some postings that are presented here and use which ones feel like a fit for the moment. Movement does help even if it is walking around your living space.  You have steps use the as movement.  

The sadness, the pain and all the emotions will be hitting you at different  time or all at once Unpredictable.  

Other members will continue to add on to this thread.  Find peace where you can in their comfort.

Warm thoughts are with you during this most devastating loss. 

[KayC]

On 2/25/2019 at 3:31 PM, Anthony123 said:

I lost my girlfriend of 14 years and my children's mother in October of 2018, she was 32. I just Googled bereavement as I have no idea how to deal with this and this site came up. Not sure why I'm even here. Just want someone to tell me how to deal with it. How to talk to my kids about it. Stuff like that.

Of anyone can just give me a simple piece of advice, a tip...anything I would appreciate it

 

Thanks..ant x

I am so sorry I haven't been here sooner, our area is in a state of emergency and without power for over 8 days, still don't have phone.

There are books to help with explaining to your kids...it was my priviledge to get to know the author through another forum and this is a delightful gook that she has written.https://www.amazon.com/Waterbugs-Dragonflies-Explaining-Children-Looking/dp/B006KKP3V0/ref=as_li_ss_tl?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1532884816&sr=1-2&keywords=waterbugs+and+dragonflies&linkCode=sl1&tag=grieheal07-20&linkId=584d6d84d20af39002f371b4ca8591e2&language=en_US

There are some others listed at the end of this article: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/11/using-childrens-books-to-help-with.html

I am so sorry for your loss!  I want to pass on the things that have been helpful to me...I wrote this article at about ten years out and hope something in it will speak to you.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Anthony123]

Wow..thanks everyone for taking the time to write such kind and thoughtful words. 

I haven't been on here since signing up because I thought no one would even notice my post, let alone comment and give advice. I'm truly grateful.

Iv spoken to my children a little more about our loss. My youngest (6) doesn't want to talk about Mellissa at all, my daughter (12) has spoken to me a little more about here, we played a game called "mom" where we closed our eyes and described her face. That was nice. My oldest son (14) is coming around to the idea that it is good to talk about her...

I just feel that I'm.doing this all wrong. Like they are looking to me for guidance and I literally have no words. After reading some of the comments on here iv looked into how I can help the kids more. And I think I have a better idea on how to approach it. 

Just thought I'd give u guys an update as you were all so kind to offer advice.

One last thing. Does anyone think it's a good idea to explain how she died to my youngest (when he wants to talk) about how she died. She died due to drinking but It feels strange to say "mommy liked wine"...how can I word it better. Thanks again folks. I'm humbled by this. Thank you all so much

Iv included a pic of us all..daughter can't be seen properly. But just imagine a pretty version of me. 

Ant x

 

[ScottsWife]

Hi Anthony.

I don't know why I am responding to you since I don't know anything, having just lost my darling husband less that one month ago. I am still deep in the depths of despair and pain, and I have been looking for help from others who know what this is like. Everyone else's words are hollow to me.

Hearing how others made it through the loss of their soulmate has been one of the only helpful things. Except music- every song is from Scott to me and they help me greatly and also watching comedy has really helped.

But for some more supportive assistance, yesterday I listened to a podcast called "Parenting While Grieving" https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-podcast/ 

It helped me some, at least feel better about my progress and how the kids are.  I have to handle this correctly for the kids sake. But I am so desperately sad that I can hardly keep from crying throughout the day. And my kids are handling it better than I imagined.

But my kids are a lot older than yours, so it's a totally different ballgame. Mine are 23, 20 and 16--so really we can't compare the situations, but I sure do understand the feeling of how do I do this raising kids while half my heart is ripped out? How do I make it better for them when I just want to crumble?

I'm going to talk to someone--a counselor, tomorrow.  I really want to get my head together and be able to function in this new reality--this nightmare of living the rest of my life as half a person. 

I do know how you feel. I felt your pain when I read your post. It felt familiar. My sweet love was just 46 years old and we were together for 25 years. He was so beautiful and wonderful and everything to me.

Would you be willing to share a little about your lady here? What was life like with her? Would that be too painful? You maybe could have the kids do the same on some sort of commemoration page. In fact, just saying that to you gave me that idea. I'm going to turn Scott's facebook page into a memorial site dedicated to him and his life. The kids can look at it and add to it and so can friends and family.

Please remember, Anthony, you are not alone.  She is with you and all of those of us who live as partial souls understand your suffering. Whether it gets better, I haven't a clue. But you are not alone. That I know.

 

[Anthony123]

Now I'm crying lol....

Thanks for your comment. I will only get more upset if I wrote how amazing she was. I will tell you guys some time about her but right now it pains me to look back and think of her in the past. Sounds silly I know. Right now I want to help my children. I know this will require me to tell stories and explain stuff that they didn't know about her but I right now I can't bring myself to talk about her. This isn't out of disrespect or embarrassment. Far from it. It's just too hard to do that at the minute. Hope this makes sense. The Facebook page seems like a great idea..I will definitely check it out with the kids. 

Speak soon 

Ant 

[ScottsWife]

Hi Anthony,

I missed the important the part of your message looking for advice on what to tell your child about her mother's passing.

My mother, too, died tragically because she liked wine too much, so I do have a real world suggestion, one that hopefully would act as a vessel of truth and warning. This is how I dealt with explaining my mother's early death to my children.

I told my kids that alcohol sometimes acts as a poison, and in her case she was poisoned by it. I did not want to scare them, but I wanted to make sure they did not end up suffering the same fate that my mother did.

I totally understand getting upset whenever you think of her. I cannot think of Scott without crying. I am trying so hard to feel lucky that I had a love so great, but I can only feel sad that it was stolen away from me. You are not alone in you feelings.

One more thing that helped us so so so much. We really try to feel that Scott is still with us. Scott was NOT religious and we are very agnostic, so in the first days, I just felt so empty. Like he had vanished--without a trace, but then I decided I could feel him with me. I may be pretending, but even pretending he is still here helps. I know it sound crazy, but it has helped me in this process. Basically, imagining what Scott would say to me when I am sad or confused.

Feeling that Scott was here with us helped my kids a lot and maybe that would help your kids, too, especially the little one- It is like having an  inner dialogue with her spirit.

Anyway...really, I shouldn't give any advice, but while I am right in the middle of it, I am finding these are the things that have helped.  I wish you and your beautiful family the best and I hope the healing continues and you and your kids feel a little better every day.

Forever Scott's loving wife,

Carly

[Anthony123]

Carly 

I know what you mean by that you could "feel" Scott. I too am not religious and spoke with Mel about the afterlife alot..I believed that when someone dies, that's it, just blackness but on the day she passed I did feel something. Maybe it was a comfort thing. I don't know. 

 

Regarding the explanation I will give to my son about the circumstances of Mel passing. Mel suffered panic attacks and drank to help overcome these so I may go with this explaination. Do you think this is a good idea 

Ant

[Billie Rae]

Carly 
I know what you mean by that you could "feel" Scott. I too am not religious and spoke with Mel about the afterlife alot..I believed that when someone dies, that's it, just blackness but on the day she passed I did feel something. Maybe it was a comfort thing. I don't know. 
 
Regarding the explanation I will give to my son about the circumstances of Mel passing. Mel suffered panic attacks and drank to help overcome these so I may go with this explaination. Do you think this is a good idea 
Ant

Anthony123 Alcholism is a disease like any other.I am from a family of alcoholics,so at 6,not to tell you what to do,just advice,I would explain that mommy had a disease that she lost the fight to,as there are older children who probably know what the truth is it should be explained by you gently and without judgment and let that child know that Alcholism is a disease suffered by many.Explain there is no shame,it's like any other illness.Don't let that child hear it from another source that could taint it with shame.
Love and my heart to you
Billie

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[ScottsWife]

Hey, Ant!

I bet they are somewhere close-- like energy flying around us. I can't say how or why I think this, but for me to carry on through this suffering, I have to believe he is here with me..

I really am so sorry for your loss. I hate it for all of us--this robbing of our loved ones, way too young.

Regarding how to deal with the cause of her passing, I think you are on point. I did the same kind of thing when dealing with my mom's passing. I explained to my kids that my mom had suffered so much as a child (and this was true) that she self-medicated with alcohol. I also have tried to make sure they totally understood that drinking or addiction or whatever struggles that my mom faced did not make any less wonderful.  She was the best mom to me and she would have been the best grandmother to them had she survived. Drinking did not change that. Ever!

Anthony, one more thing. Believe in yourself and all that Mel gave you to use in raising these kids. She probably taught you a lot about what she would want you to do. If those things make sense, I would listen to her. Scott was my biggest champion and he still is-- When I had my fourth interviewed for a job today, I could hear him say "Your gonna kick ass, baby" and I did.

Listen to your love, she will guide you. And I don't mean that weirdly. I mean it in the philosophical way--that everything you two were together as parents is still there--inside you.

I am attaching a song that Scott used to play all the time to give us strength during his struggles. I am using it now for strength.

 

[Anthony123]

Listened to that song and I lost it. I'm too upset to carry on talking.Sorry folks. Speak tomorrow x

[Billie Rae]

@ScottsWife What a beautiful song!I love the way you think,I too hear my Charlie in my head,when he was sick he told me"baby,when I'm gone remember that I need you to be happy,if you're sad forever I won't be able to rest"we also are agnostic but I hear him.He also told me"always remember that you can do anything,I've seen you do amazing things for me,you completely fixed my life"so I try.I'm still new also,I lost Charlie January 16 so I can't do as he asked yet but it gives me something to strive for.I'm so sorry for your loss and pain.
May we find one minutes peace
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[ScottsWife]

I'm sorry, buddy. You are resilient.

I promise.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

Alcholism is a disease like any other.I am from a family of alcoholics,so at 6,not to tell you what to do,just advice,I would explain that mommy had a disease that she lost the fight to,as there are older children who probably know what the truth is it should be explained by you gently and without judgment and let that child know that Alcholism is a disease suffered by many.

My dad was an alcoholic and my kids' paternal grandmother was an alcoholic, it was passed on to half our siblings so I raised my kids w/o it in our household so as not to contribute to their demise, but also let them know why we chose not to drink and my hopes that they wouldn't follow that path.  I agree it's nothing to shame anyone with, my dad and my MIL were wonderful people with great qualities, it IS an illness of battle, that's for sure.  Pointing out their good qualities helps keep the perspective.  Seems we did something right, my daughter only has an occasional drink (weddings, etc.) and my son has chosen to never have the first drink and find out...they understand the genetics of such.

Explaining to a six year old, try to keep it as simple as possible and just answer his questions as needed, also keeping in mind his young age, neither hiding anything nor clouding him with more than he can understand right now.

[ScottsWife]

Dealing with the cause of death is not the same as dealing with explaining addiction- which might not even be a part of this and it in NOT a part of the grieving for the kids, I can promise that . The truth is people who are not addicted pass away from drugs and alcohol all the time. Let's not make assumptions here.  I feel like that is a different topic. Maybe its cause I have kids and I just lost my husband, but when I read Anthony's post, I don't hear him asking about addiction.

The kids just need to understand how she passed, physically, but the rest isn't really important to them.  To others maybe, maybe to outsiders and extended family and friends, but to her children and her love--the important thing, I believe is coming to terms with the passing. Life without her and dealing and processing it in a healthy way that leads to healing eventually.  This is what is so hard.

 

[Billie Rae]

I read she had panic attacks and drank to overcome them.this is addiction.

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[Anthony123]

Hi 

I want to tell them without saying "your mom was an alcoholic"...i do appreciate all your feedback, she didnt drink to get drunk  she literally drank wine so she wouldnt panic, i know its a difficult thing to imagine but i never saw her as an "alcoholic".

ant 

[ScottsWife]

I totally and completely understand. Not everyone who suffers the consequences of drinking are suffer the disease of alcoholism. It would be a lie to tell your children otherwise. Mel would not appreciate it, I am sure. It also convolutes the real issues she was facing. Alcohol can be poisonous. And sometimes it is so bad for a person it can take their life. It should be handled with care so the kids get the understanding, but it would be unfair to try to fit her into some pre-fabricated conception of an alcoholic.

You are the only one who knows the truth and the struggle she faced. Your truth IS her truth now, as far as the kids go. I am excited about being able to take my very real, very wonderfully imperfect husband and morphing him into an icon for my kids. They lost him in body and now it will be my job to keep him alive and larger than life in their eyes--so they have him to look up to and his memory to carry on for. That's what I want to do for them.

The kids know him- the good and all the rest. He was part of every minute of their lives, so I am not lying to them about who he was, but I am happy to allow him to become a perfect-like figure in their memories. That is the least we can give these kids-- a near perfect daddy or mommy. We are going to keep the good parts of Daddy alive and say goodbye to everything else. No regrets, no what ifs---just love and honoring him and his memory and everything he taught us.

Maybe I am wrong--but this is my soulmate who passed, and I know him best. He would appreciate it after all he went through. He deserves it. She deserves it. He is perfect. She is perfect. No one knows this more than we do.

[KayC]

There is no need for labeling.  The kids were there, they will draw their own conclusions, but it helps to focus on the good things even while learning for one's self to maybe do something different so as not to have a repeat, at least that is what has helped me in my life.

[ForgetMeNot150]

Hi @Anthony123

I haven't posted on here for a while, but occasionally log in when I'm having a bad time just to read the posts which helps me feel a bit less lonely. It is my wedding anniversary tomorrow, so needless to say I'm struggling a bit at the moment. I wanted to reply to you as I lost my husband in September 2018 and have two kids, aged 11 and 14. I am also British, but have lived in New Zealand since I met my husband here 16 years ago.

Like you, I have no idea what I am doing and just make it up as I go along. It is such a struggle just to make decisions on a daily basis without that second opinion that I used to get. Craig was always the good cop to my bad cop with the kids, so now I have to try to think what he would say and then compromise with myself. Craig had motor neurone disease, so was sick for over 18 months before he passed. Throughout that time, we were always open and honest with the girls and talked to them about everything. I think it is really important to be honest with kids as they often pick up more than they let on and talking about it openly gives them an opportunity to express themselves too. I also don't hide it when I am struggling as I want them to know that it is ok to show their feelings and that we don't have to pretend that we're happy all the time. My 11 year old especially is very quick to spot me tearing up and has become very good at hugs to cheer me up. I use those times to get both of them to talk about how they're feeling. 

We talk about him and to him a lot. He was always joking and laughing, so we give him crap as though he is still here with us, especially when we're watching girlie movies that he would have hated and moaned all the way through. :)  Last week we went to a concert by The Hollies, who were one of Craig's favourite bands. If he had been here all 4 of us would have gone together as we all knew the songs as he used to play them so much. We even played some and sang them to him as we held him as he passed away. It was an incredibly emotional night as we knew he would have enjoyed it, plus it brought back some pretty tough memories, but it gave us an outlet for our grief, especially my 14 year old who doesn't always show her feelings, but opened up that night and was crying even more than I was during some of the slow songs. I let them have the day off school afterwards so we could have a "grieving day" and just take time out to remember him together.

Both of my girls have seen counselors/social workers too which has really helped them and given them someone to talk to other than me. My 11 year old also expresses herself in her school work and every other story that she writes is about Craig and how he was her hero or about the silly things he would do. It is incredibly hard for me to read them, but no doubt it helps her to put her feelings into words.

With regard to what you tell your kids about how your wife died, just tell them what feels right to you. Don't lie to them as this will no doubt come back to bite you later on, but that doesn't mean you can't be tactful and you don't have to tell them everything right now. How you have described her in your posts above is lovely and heartfelt and I don't see why you can't say the same to your kids. 

Just be open with them and patient as they are feeling just as confused and exhausted as we are.

Sending you and your beautiful family a big hug from the other side of the world. ♥

Michelle

[Sunflower2]

57 minutes ago, ForgetMeNot150 said:

It is my wedding anniversary tomorrow, so needless to say I'm struggling a bit at the moment.

sending you Love, Light and Warm comforting thoughts!

[ScottsWife]

Thank you Michelle, for the post. You are spot on with everything you said. I hope in a few months I'll be where you are. 

[KayC]

Beautifully put, Michelle, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

[Anthony123]

Hi everyone 

I’m a bit overwhelmed by everyone being so nice to be honest. Feels nice that I’m not alone. All your comments are truly amazing and I appreciate every word written. I danced in my kitchen for the first time in a while which if you would have known me before that we did this a lot. 

Thanks everyone. 

X

[Anthony123]

Hello my virtual friends. 

hope you have all had a good day/night. Iv has a good few days. Still not spoken to the kids fully about the circumstances of Mel’s passing but I will soon. I’m a little scared if I’m honest. I want to share a story of Mel if that’s ok with everyone. 

I finished work at 11pm to find Mel staring out the lounge window. She loved the stars. I asked what’s up and she said “Iv just heard there is a meteor shower over England tonight but I can’t see anything”...I googled it and it said the best place to see it would be near the east coast of the uk. We live exactly in the middle of England so not the best place to see it. She said “wake the kids up we are going to my moms caravan”. Her mom had a caravan in Skegness. We woke the kids. They were super excited. We drive for a 3 hours until we got to the caravan.arriving at around 4am For the next 4 hours, myself, Mellissa and out 3 kids watched the most amazing meteor shower we had ever seen. It was amazing. 

Not sure why you all needed to know this but Iv been thinking of that night lately. Would love to hear some stories of everyone’s lost love one. If anyone wants to share. 

Keep smiling folks. 

Speak soon from Ant (and mason (6) who is sitting next to me reminding me of the massive “fire rain”)

[HPB]

1 hour ago, Anthony123 said:

We drive for a 3 hours until we got to the caravan.arriving at around 4am For the next 4 hours, myself, Mellissa and out 3 kids watched the most amazing meteor shower we had ever seen. It was amazing. 

This is a beautiful story!!!

[Anthony123]

Thanks mate. 

I love it too. She was so spontaneous. One time we were at a casino. Lost all our money. We had 10 pound left to get a cab home. I called the cab. He arrived. We got in. For some reason she told the driver to stop. She got out again. Ran back into the casino. Put our last tenna on “0” and won. We went back in and proceeded to lose it all again. We walked home in the end. Stories like this remind me how I miss her stupidly amazing she was. 

[Billie Rae]

That's an absolutely beautiful memory[emoji307]What an Amazing spontaneous woman she was.Those kinds of memories should be put above what happened to her.And you sound like an Amazing and capable father.Hugs to you and your children
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Anthony123]

Damn I wish I could shout at her again for that. We had £360 and bought everyone at the table a drink like we were millionaires. Hahaha. Such a good night. 

[Anthony123]

I could fill this forum with crazy stories like that. 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Anthony123 said:

For the next 4 hours, myself, Mellissa and out 3 kids watched the most amazing meteor shower we had ever seen.

That is a wonderful story.  I think there are a number of reasons we needed to know it.  It shows a spontaneous side of Mel that made you happy and proud.  It shows her strong spirit and love for life.  It's a loving memory that will stay with you forever and that you naturally want others to know.  And it's a story about sharing the vastness of the universe combined with infinite power of love with your family.  I'm so happy that you have these memories and shared experiences to help sustain you during the darkest days and nights.

After 35 years (plus 2 years we knew each other before), there a so many memories stuffed in my heart and mind that I could write a book.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Anthony123 said:

She said “wake the kids up we are going to my moms caravan”. Her mom had a caravan in Skegness. We woke the kids. They were super excited. We drive for a 3 hours until we got to the caravan.arriving at around 4am For the next 4 hours, myself, Mellissa and out 3 kids watched the most amazing meteor shower we had ever seen. It was amazing. 

That is a beautiful example of who she is and what you love about her!  Thank you for sharing that, it helped us know her through your eyes.  It's a memory none of you will ever forget.

My George was like that too, spontaneous and fun!  He always reminded me of a puppy waging it's tail.  I have so many wonderful memories of him...we were only in each other's lives 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months, but he impacted me so much!  And my kids too.  I feel blessed to have had him in my life.

[Anthony123]

Would you like to share a story of George. 

[KayC]

My George loved fishing.  He worked nights and I worked days and his job was 75 miles away...following several accidents I encouraged him to stay near his job during his four night workweek and come home for the remaining three.  Fridays he'd sleep until noon and then do stuff until I got off work and we'd start our weekend together.  One Friday afternoon he came into my office, a huge grin on his face, carrying a huge dripping fish!  I quickly got a plastic bag for the fish so it wouldn't drip all over the carpet, but I couldn't chide him, he looked so happy!

Another memory dear to my heart is a Christmas...my son had a computer business and wanted to make my daughter a computer for Christmas so we told him we'd pay for the parts if he'd put it together.  He made a PC in her favorite color, purple.  He always had computers laying around the house that he was working on for someone or another, but we didn't want her to see this one because of the color, we figured it'd be a dead giveaway.  We'd put the Christmas tree up and he had been working on her computer in the living room and all of a sudden she showed up.  Her eyes caught on the computer and lit up and just then the Christmas tree started falling!  George and her and my son sprang into action with the tree while I whisked her PC into the closet.  George tied the Christmas tree to a hook on the wall with fishing line...it was pretty funny but it worked!  On Christmas morning we got a video of her...my son had wrapped the mouse and she opened it and said, "Is this what I think it is?"  "Yes, it's a mouse."  he said.  Then he opened the closet and produced the rest of it.  I have a picture of George and I sitting on the loveseat watching the whole thing.  Even though the picture didn't shed me in a flattering way, I still love that picture because we look like such a happy old couple...and we were.  

[Billie Rae]

I love that picture and those memories[emoji307]

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[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Even though the picture didn't shed me in a flattering way, I still love that picture because we look like such a happy old couple...and we were. 

Kay, I have to disagree with you about how you look.  You look beautiful; you both do.  The love and joy radiates clearly, regardless of it being a simple picture.  How could you not love a picture that reminds you of that and that shows the world the bond you share?

What a funny and sweet story.  It's always the thoughtful things we do for each other that leave the best, lasting memories. 

[foreverhis]

Here's another photo story.

I was in my late 20s, maybe nearly 30.  We were at some formal event or another.  You lose track after a while, so I'm not sure when or where exactly, except that we were there for my parents.  My mom had asked my husband to do the photos.  He was really good at it.  He was partway across the room with his camera (back in the old 35mm film days).  I was talking to my sister.  He called my name.  I didn't know that he had the camera up and focused on my face.  Smiling, I turned to look at him and he took my picture. 

Now, I'm not the most photogenic person in the world, but this picture I love.  The reason it's so wonderful is that no one in my life, in the world, ever lit up my face like he did.  Just the sound of him calling my name made me smile in a way that I never had and never will for anyone else.  Everyone thinks it must have been a posed photo because it's framed so perfectly and I look so lovely.  Only I know why.

[Billie Rae]

@Foreverhis can we see it?I love this story.
Love Billie

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[foreverhis]

@Billie Rae  Oh, I'm so afraid this will sound all "I'm so special" or something and I don't mean it that way, but we've really tried to keep pictures of ourselves off the internet.  At heart, we're pretty private people and are just uncomfortable with it.  Truly, I think it's great when people post pictures, like our daughter who populates her pages with photos of everything under the sun.  It's just not for us.  I'm sorry.

[JES]

@KayC I love the picture also, its very sweet the way George is looking at you and smiling.  So glad you shared it.  @foreverhis Also enjoyed your story. Do understand that you don't want to put pictures out, I know others who feel same way.  As for me I would love to post a pic but alas, my phone won't allow.  Mabbe will figure it out on Ipad someday.  Hugs to all.

[Billie Rae]

Foreverhis,No,I understand privacy is important,there are very few photos of me in existence and my internet photos are mostly of my pets
Love to you[emoji307]
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

my internet photos are mostly of my pets

Ditto.  So glad you understand.  It's not pride or egotism; it's just not something that we feel all that comfortable doing.

[KayC]

No one would recognize me in that anyway, I've aged too much in the last 14 years!
 

[foreverhis]

Kay, I was looking at the picture you posted and realized something.  You're smiling at each other with your love so clear, but there's something else there.  The way George is looking at you says, "I am the luckiest man in the world!"

[KayC]

People commented to me all the time how he looked at me so adoringly.  We were happier than any couple I've known!  I feel like those of you here get it.  These are the ones that had it, that really loved each other, that lost something so precious...we were the lucky ones.