Heart sore and broken

[newmizj]

My husband passed away on February 3, 2019 from ARDS, which he got from Influenza pneumonia.  I am without an outlet, I think if I go outside and scream "No, no, no, no, no!" that my neighbors would have me committed.  But that is exactly what I do when walking around the house.  Last night, I spent the first night in my house alone since he passed, I laid my head down and immediately started crying, but it was the loud moan of no, Ray, no, no,.... repeated over and over until I was hoarse and thought I was crazy.  I've lost my father, my mother and have been divorced.  None of those relationship endings were as hard as this one.  I have nothing left, his smell isn't in the house because my oldest son drove out from his residence 1100 miles away and cleaned the house from top to bottom, including the laundry - my husband and I had influenza A.  I was at the hospital with my husband, 24/7 for the 22 days he was on life support.  His lungs filled with fibrous cells instead of lung cells, so he ended not being able to breathe.  He was 58 and we spent a wonderful, lively, loving time for 13 years.  He was my best friend, my best lover and my true partner - my husband.  So, I have an empty place in my heart, and my joy for living has been doused.  

[Heart&Soul]

@newmizj  Firstly I am so sorry for your loss - I am sending you a big hug.  From my own experience this is the hardest thing I have ever faced.  I still cry most days and coming home to an empty house is the worst.  I feel your pain.  Everyone of us on this forum feels your pain as we are all going through this together.  I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but keep coming back here - there are so many amazing people here with a world of advise and they can help.  Even just coming here to express your feelings or rant is a good idea.  Taking one day at a time is what most people advise and I feel this is solid advise.  Whenever I think of the future I start panicking because I can't imagine a life without him.  Take care of yourself.  My heart goes out to you.

[Billie Rae]

Oh sweetheart,it's so very hard and lonely,I lost my Charlie January 16 and can feel your pain.Its okay to scream and cry and throw fits.Kayc and a few other Angels will be reaching out to you,you will know you are not alone.My Charlie left me in dire circumstances and I get angry,sad and hurt.But I know I loved and took care of him until his final moment,that doesn't make it easier but shows me I have fortitude and strength Each hour of each day is different and my mood swings all over.we are survivors of the worst thing that can happen.We are grieving not only our love but also the loss of our future and our dreams from the past.Stay with this group as it is a wonderful place to share or rant or just read.We are all at different stages in this journey but know we feel with you and our shared grief makes us a family.Love and hugs.Billie Rae

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Sunflower2]

"The death of a loved one is, for most of us, the most profound emotional experience we will ever have to endure. Dealing with the deep and prolonged grief that follows such a loss may well be the most painful and disturbing challenge of our lives."    ~Carol Staudacher

If and when this is an option take paper and pen and read the postings from others.  You will find a wealth of things we have all tried that brought us some relief.  Jot  ideas down.  I've referred to mine as my grief toolbox.  Somedays the tools may work and sometimes they won't.  You may find some of our tools a fit for you during those moments of despair and pain.  You may begin to find tools you have discovered that you may want to share with other members. 

Crying is healing.  The grief cry resembles howling its so intense but so needed. 

Do your best to focus on the present. 

gentle thoughts and prayers!

 

[John/Wendy]

1 hour ago, newmizj said:

My husband passed away on February 3, 2019 from ARDS, which he got from Influenza pneumonia.  I am without an outlet, I think if I go outside and scream "No, no, no, no, no!" that my neighbors would have me committed.  But that is exactly what I do when walking around the house.  Last night, I spent the first night in my house alone since he passed, I laid my head down and immediately started crying, but it was the loud moan of no, Ray, no, no,.... repeated over and over until I was hoarse and thought I was crazy.  I've lost my father, my mother and have been divorced.  None of those relationship endings were as hard as this one.  I have nothing left, his smell isn't in the house because my oldest son drove out from his residence 1100 miles away and cleaned the house from top to bottom, including the laundry - my husband and I had influenza A.  I was at the hospital with my husband, 24/7 for the 22 days he was on life support.  His lungs filled with fibrous cells instead of lung cells, so he ended not being able to breathe.  He was 58 and we spent a wonderful, lively, loving time for 13 years.  He was my best friend, my best lover and my true partner - my husband.  So, I have an empty place in my heart, and my joy for living has been doused.  

I am very sorry for your pain. Watching your Love go through such pain is the worst thing in life.I wish I could say it gets easier. I’m only three months in and all I can say is, crying a lot is now part of your life. Don’t hold it in, give yourself time every day to let it out. Even if it’s crying yourself to sleep. There is no right or wrong way through this. I pray we all find a way to deal with this. Reading about others journey through this nightmare helps. Scream, talk to your Love, write to them but above all think about what they would want for you. Take care of yourself, just take each moment at a time and remember how blessed you were to have had such love in your life. They are watching over you, don’t let them feel like thier lives and your lives together were lost in this horrible part of life. They would want us all to look at the happier times, the perfect times they gave us. Easier said than done, but I think we all know, they want us to try and live. Hugs and prayers to us all.

[SSC]

My heart goes out to you.  You’re so new to this.  When I look back almost 4 months ago, I couldn’t even think straight.  I get teary eyed thinking of the raw, horrible pain you are going through right now.  I agree with what others have said to you already.  Come here often, read, post, cry and know we all understand how broken you feel right now.  You are among helpful caring people who only wish the best for you.  

My daughter put this note in a lunch she made me the first day I went back to work:

(I read it every morning)

 

you are Braver than you Believe.  Stronger than you seem, and Smarter than you think.  -Winnie the Pooh

 

 

[Billie Rae]

@John/Wendy yes yes yes.My Charlie told me to go and live my best life but how can I?it will take a long while.But I always keep what he wanted in my head.One day.And cry time is so necessary long letters and lots of talking to him.May you all find just one minute of peace each day until we find it follows us.Love to you Billie Rae

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Glolilly]

I am sorry for your loss. I know about the yelling no, no, no,... I also yelled no, no, no at the hospital when my husband had an unexpected heart attack at home and was pronounced dead within an hour. I fell on my knees screaming and praying no lord, no. It hurt so bad. And then I went into a shock and disbelief for months. I couldn't say the words, my husband died. I was in a walking trance with sounds muffled filling out paperwork like a robot. As a nurse I had to forgive myself for not seeing clues. I wasn't God or even knew the future events beforehand. But I still felt it was my fault, that I should have been able to save him. I am sorry that no one is there with you. That would help to have someone to stay for a couple of weeks if possible. The pain is unbearable but it will ease up over the months, at least for me. It did help that I have 2 stay at home college sons for now.  Yes, I never thought before how a spouse loss is so great. They'd become our everything. I'm sorry you don't have his smell but that could not be avoided in this situation for the cleaning required. They are not punishing you but it is unfortunate anyway. I found my husband scent the strongest in his w.allet and still is after a year. It was more a comfort at the beginning. Come here often to gain good support and to talk whenever you want to be understood. Love, strength and comfort to you during this sudden pain and loss.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss...you say it's the hardest loss you've suffered, I understand, I've lost my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, niece, nephew, friends, pets, but the hardest hitting, no comparison, was losing my sweet husband, soul mate, and best friend, George.

I used to go out in the woods and scream...probably scared a lot of wild animals off.

It's now going on 14 years and I still love and miss him and not a day goes by but he's on my heart and mind...constantly.  I wrote this article based on what I've learned and found of help and hope something in it is of help to you now or later on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[ModKatB]

I am so sorry for your loss. When my husband died I stood in our living room and yelled and screamed at him for leaving me alone, I guess my neighbors thought I had lost it completely but it was what it took for me to let it out. All of us that are a part of this group understand the emotions and the pain that has taken over your life right now. We all feel things differently and our methods for dealing with that pain may be different but you are not alone on this journey. I found that writing really helped me to get thru some of the darker times and I have shared many of the things I wrote and I am including one of the things I wrote as I started this journey a year ago. In time things will change and you will be able to find things that will help you get from moment to moment. Please remember you can come here to post and read and find those who will listen and understand.

 

Who am I now that you are gone?

What am I supposed to do with this life?

I did not want to be alone, without you by my side.

How can I take one more step or one more breath?

It hurts more than anything I have ever felt before.

This can't be happening, maybe it is just a dream.

No this is my reality, my new way of life.

I would give all I have just to have you back.

There is nothing for me to hold onto since you are gone.

I am just a jumble of emotions and no place to hide. KB

 

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

 

 

[JES]

@newmizj  I am also so sorry for your loss.  I found those first few months the worst for me. I hurt mentally and physically, had anxiety, confusion, regret, everything you may be feeling.  I think the biggest help for me was my sister. She came and sat with me for hours every other day,  and listened to me talk about Kevin over and over. She had never been through it but understood her baby sister was hurting.   I lost my love Kevin, 4 1/2 months ago at 61 yrs. and although I still think of him and miss him dearly, I am also learning little by little to live on my own.  My good memories of him only get stronger with time.  I wish you love, peace and strength to help you through this.  Jeanne

[newmizj]

I thank each of you for sharing with me.  I know it's tough for me to write about my husband, but I try each day to do something or write something that he would want.  I do talk to his family, they are making a loving circle around me and I really appreciate it.  I have friends, but they didn't know my husband like some of his family did.  My husband would hold back on many things with his friends, he didn't like to "overshare" which is what I do best. 

Here's to loving them, and missing them, but going to go on living.

Thank you to all of you.

[newmizj]

Today I need to say something..  My husband's best friend was/is female - she's an awesome person and I love her too.  But, today she sent a card to me that said that she was sorry I couldn't share my grief with her.  We haven't talked on the phone but once since he got ill.  I don't know what to think, but I know she's got to be hurting also.  I didn't hear from her when he passed, except this card I just received today.  I kinda expected her to call and ask about the funeral arrangements, but she didn't.  Like I said, I don't know what to think.  What's weird is I now feel guilty like I didn't call her to let her pray.  And, no, I didn't lock her out, she was receiving the same text messages about his health as his family and our children.  My husband would tell me I didn't need to feel guilty.  I still do.. do any of you have anything to help me relate?

[LeannC45]

On 2/11/2019 at 3:23 PM, newmizj said:

My husband passed away on February 3, 2019 from ARDS, which he got from Influenza pneumonia.  I am without an outlet, I think if I go outside and scream "No, no, no, no, no!" that my neighbors would have me committed.  But that is exactly what I do when walking around the house.  Last night, I spent the first night in my house alone since he passed, I laid my head down and immediately started crying, but it was the loud moan of no, Ray, no, no,.... repeated over and over until I was hoarse and thought I was crazy.  I've lost my father, my mother and have been divorced.  None of those relationship endings were as hard as this one.  I have nothing left, his smell isn't in the house because my oldest son drove out from his residence 1100 miles away and cleaned the house from top to bottom, including the laundry - my husband and I had influenza A.  I was at the hospital with my husband, 24/7 for the 22 days he was on life support.  His lungs filled with fibrous cells instead of lung cells, so he ended not being able to breathe.  He was 58 and we spent a wonderful, lively, loving time for 13 years.  He was my best friend, my best lover and my true partner - my husband.  So, I have an empty place in my heart, and my joy for living has been doused.  

I wanted to reach out and say you are not alone. I lost my husband last year from the flu. He got sick and passed away in three days. It was like something came out of no where and snatched him out of this world. Nothing can prepare you for the journey. All I can say is try not to be afraid of all of the emotions. Let them come out however they manifest themselves, crying, screaming, talking out loud, sleeping, staying still. It is all part of the process and it is very overwhelming. This site is very helpful, it gave me a place that was safe to express my real emotions. I am sending you prayer, strength, hugs.  

[KayC]

16 hours ago, newmizj said:

I didn't hear from her when he passed, except this card I just received today.  I kinda expected her to call and ask about the funeral arrangements, but she didn't.  Like I said, I don't know what to think.  What's weird is I now feel guilty like I didn't call her to let her pray.  And, no, I didn't lock her out, she was receiving the same text messages about his health as his family and our children.

I don't think you have done anything to feel guilty about.  It's up to her to reach out to YOU when he died and at the very least attend his funeral.  I guess I don't understand her but then I think I saw everything when my own husband died, including my best friends not showing up at his funeral.  That you even care what she's feeling/thinking is amazing in light of the burden of your own grief which takes precedence over all.

This article was written with the idea in mind of feeling guilt towards the one you lost, not someone else that is grieving, but there are some tips pointed out that could be applicable in this instance as well, so I leave you this article and ask you to read it with this person and her situation in mind and gloss over the rest.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

As for feeling guilty, we feel all kinds of emotions in our vulnerable state...guilt seems to be a close partner to grief, not that we've earned it or deserve it.  I hope you'll be able to get past these feelings, she really should not be laying that on you, sorry!

[JES]

I agree with kayc that you have not done anything to her to feel guilty about...as a friend to him and that you knew as well, she should've reached out to you, and in my opinion much sooner then now.  Thats what friends are for!  I have to wonder if she feels guilty for not contacting you and that shes trying to misdirect her guilt to you.  Never, never, would I write that in a sympathy card. I just do not understand doing that. I am very sorry you are having to worry about this now.  Try to take care of yourself and do what you feel is best for you. I found I had to let go of other peoples stress and concentrate on me.  I wish you blessings and love...and just know, we understand your pain and someone will always be here for you.

[Pim]

@newmizj I am so sorry you lost your husband. You are NOT alone. Here at this forum we can relate to each other.

I am now just past "the half year mark" and it still is very difficult. I expect it will always be difficult but I am noticing small changes. Just baby steps but some  things are getting better.

That does not mean you will forget your husband or that you are disloyal.

I am sorry about this friend and the (mis)communication. Give it a chance though. We need people and particularly at this time in our live. Only once have I explicitly told someone that I did not want contact anymore because I got such a bad response. But time will tell who your real friends are and who are not.

Big hugs, Pim

 

[Billie Rae]

Guilt is not yours here,it's up to others to care for us right now.This grief belongs to you.You lost your partner and parts of yourself and it's not our job to make others feel better,we are in the worst place emotionally that a person can be in.Her card and not being there were inappropriate and you shouldn't have to deal with it.Go and grieve your way and maybe she will reach out or maybe it was your husband holding the friendship together.you are a changed person now and time will tell,but don't worry about others now,take care of you,let the rest sort itself,you are under enough stress without taking on more.Love to you and us all.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Pmarie]

Well said, Billie Rae!

[Fmf]

On 2/12/2019 at 7:59 PM, KatB said:

I am so sorry for your loss. When my husband died I stood in our living room and yelled and screamed at him for leaving me alone, I guess my neighbors thought I had lost it completely but it was what it took for me to let it out. All of us that are a part of this group understand the emotions and the pain that has taken over your life right now. We all feel things differently and our methods for dealing with that pain may be different but you are not alone on this journey. I found that writing really helped me to get thru some of the darker times and I have shared many of the things I wrote and I am including one of the things I wrote as I started this journey a year ago. In time things will change and you will be able to find things that will help you get from moment to moment. Please remember you can come here to post and read and find those who will listen and understand.

 

Who am I now that you are gone?

What am I supposed to do with this life?

I did not want to be alone, without you by my side.

How can I take one more step or one more breath?

It hurts more than anything I have ever felt before.

This can't be happening, maybe it is just a dream.

No this is my reality, my new way of life.

I would give all I have just to have you back.

There is nothing for me to hold onto since you are gone.

I am just a jumble of emotions and no place to hide. KB

 

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

 

 

KatB   I could have written that list. My loss  my husband and dad within 24 hours of each other is still new, almost three weeks. I have had every thought you wrote about. How do we move on when as I say my first love-my dad and my last love - my husband of almost  20 years. are gone. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Fmf said:

How do we move on when as I say my first love-my dad and my last love - my husband of almost  20 years. are gone. 

I don't think we do "move on", none of us have the desire to move on from them, more like learn to incorporate them into our lives in a new way now that we can no longer hold them the way we'd like to.  We talk to them, write to them, do things in their memory, but the love we hold for them continues and I have no desire to ever leave George in my past, he will forever be part of me here, now, and in the future when we finally get to reunite!