My cat was euthanised on Saturday and I feel guilty and empty

[jsygrl]

We bought Jack when he was a kitten, I remember it like it was yesterday, he was from a very large litter and I was so overwhelmed by the amount of kittens that I was unable to choose one myself, I asked the breeder to choose one because I knew I would love him/her no matter what. She chose a feisty little character who scuttled under a cupboard as she tried to retrieve him which made us laugh, when she handed him over to me I knew I would love him forever and I still remember him looking up at me and meowing sweetly on the car ride home, his eyes like saucers.

He settled into our home nicely and got along like a house on fire with our already resident cat, Archie. We named him Jack after Jack sparrow because he had black fur that covered one Corner of his face and resembled an eye patch. He grew up with us, he would enjoy the outdoors or sit with us whenever we were in the lounge, he was there through all of our ups and downs-like when Archie was hit and killed by a car, we grieved and we know that he did too.

He wasn’t the friendliest of cats, he would swipe at your ankles if you walked by him too close and he didn’t like sitting on laps or being too close, he always wanted to be in the same room as us though and during his later years he would allow me to pick him up in a cradle like hold and nuzzle into his forehead with my lips. We moved house a few times and one time we skipped islands, moving from Jersey to the Isle of Wight, he would always settle nicely into our new home wherever we were. 

Fast forward to a few months ago, I was sitting on the sofa and I noticed a really large lump on his neck, I asked my partner to see if he could feel it too to make sure I wasn’t going crazy but sure enough he could, oh how I wish it had been me being crazy. I tried not to let it bother me too much the time, Jack was in 0 distress, breathing normally, scoffing down his food as usual and still enjoying his outdoor endeavours, I needed to wait until payday before I could take him to the vet cause I know how expensive they are. We took him to the vet on payday and the vet called in a more senior vet for his opinion because he wasn’t sure, this more senior vet was sure that it was a tumour but wanted to do a biopsy that would cost a few hundred pounds.

Had to wait for payday to roll around again, my partner and I have never been the types to squirrel away money for such occasions, I wish we were. They did a biopsy and a few days later we get a call saying they would need to do it again because there was blood in the sample, obviously exasperated by the mounting costs of medical bills we agree but we have to wait for payday again. A few days later the vet calls and says that the person who tested the biopsy had found that Jack had tuberculosis (for some reason they tested it even though there was blood in the sample, even the vet was surprised). I have to say I was so happy by this news because as the vet explained, it could be treated with a round of antibiotics, once they found out what strain he had, much better then having a large tumour in his neck I thought. 

A week later I call Jack downstairs, I was worried because like I said he always wanted to be near us and I hadn’t seen him all day, I hear him come pounding down the stairs and wait for him to jump up onto the back of the sofa and sit behind my head like he always did. Except he didn’t, my dog runs round the back of the sofa and starts taunting him (they hate each other), my boyfriends calls the dog back to him and I peer backwards to see Jack sitting under the desk. “C’mon baby, what ya doin under there” I say, except that I notice his mouth opening and closing, and first of all I think he is trying to meow (Jack has always had a tiny little squeak of a meow for such a large fluff boy), then I realise he is trying to breathe and my heart sinks. We get him up onto the back of the sofa so I can be sure, it’s dark under the desk, sure enough he is gasping for air. I immediately begin searching google to find a vet available for him to see immediately (it was midnight) we get through to ours and we describe Jacks symptoms to the vet who isin’t worried but books us in for an 8:30 am appointment, neither me nor my bf sleep well that night, so I asked my bf to leave me in bed in the morning, I was sure they would be able to help Jack if what he had was curable by antibiotics. 

Later that morning my bf comes into the bedroom with the devastating news that Jack needs to be put down and my heart crumbles, I want to say goodbye and be there when he dies so I jump out of bed and we head to the vets. Jack is on the table as we arrive, his breathing visibly worse than last night, a lady holding an oxygen mask over his face, he is dribbling and I don’t know why, his eyes look slightly glazed and I don’t know if he knows it’s me. The vet and my boyfriend talk but I am in my own world with Jack everything in the background is silenced (I later learned that the vet was showing my boyfriend the x-rays that showed Jacks lungs had collapsed, were filled with fluid and that his stomach was full of gas), I talk to him  and stroke him but it was horrible seeing him struggle to breathe like that so I ask the vet if he can put him to sleep, everything was so sudden and unexpected.

It was horrible, I was scared it hurt (how does anyone really know that it doesn’t), I was scared that he was scared, I was scared that he knew he was dying and when his eyes were left blankly staring ahead it was unbearable. I feel such immense guilt, guilt for all the delays in his treatments, guilt that we couldn’t get him to the vets that night, guilt for not going there with him in the morning and staying with him. I also feel bad that we ever let him outside, tb is apparently caused by being bitten by an infected animal, if I hadn’t let him outside he would probably still be alive so it’s my fault, he trusted me to protect him and I let him down. Now everywhere I go in my home I’m reminded of him, his fur still matted onto the back of the sofa where he used to sit, I don’t want to hoover it away because I feel like that will be trying to get rid of him and his memory. 

I miss his company, his sweet little meow, his trying to trip me up as I walk up the stairs with his cat food, I even miss him swiping and hissing at my ankles. Life feels so empty now, I can’t eat, I can only sleep after I’ve drunk myself into a stupor and then I wake up and wish I had just died in my sleep. I don’t know what to do...I want the pain to go away, I want to see Jack in spirit or in a dream to know that he is okay. I’m worried that pet’s don’t go to heaven, I couple of websites told me they don’t and this grieves me more, I’m worried that he hates me for murdering him, I’m worried he is wondering around in the afterlife not sure which way to run (a couple of people talk about a tunnel in the afterlife and i’m Worried he is too scared to run down it). I just want to see him one last time....my life feels pointless now...

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, it's obvious you love Jack with all your heart and would have done anything you could for him.  I want you to know that feeling guilt is common in grief, it's not that we've done anything so horrific to deserve guilt, but rather that we're trying to make sense of something that seems nonsensical to us and we're going through all these whatifs in an effort to come up with a different possible ending...only there is no ending but the one we have.  We can't know ahead of time what we don't know, so how is it we blame ourselves?!  We are the very ones that loved our animals, that cared for them, they were our world!  No, they don't blame us.  They don't understand about death, only how they're feeling in the moment, and you did the kindest thing you could by relieving him of his pain and stress.

And please, don't pay attention to those websites.  There are some people out there that think they know everything, nice for them in their neat little worlds, but there's so much they DON'T know, they really shouldn't put that on everyone else.  It's as if they gleefully decree  that and almost take relish in our distress!  What kind of help is that?!  This is my reasoning...the Bible says there are animals in heaven (the lion shall lay down with the lamb), now why would God have some random lion and lamb up there and not my Fluffy and your Jack?  THAT doesn't make sense to me!  They say they have no souls, how do they know?  God created the animals and put us in charge of them, so why would He take them away from us in heaven?  Nope, doesn't make sense at all.  To me, heaven would not be heaven without animals.  There are more than just people and angels there, there's other creatures listed that we haven't seen (cherubim and seraphim) so why not our animals?  Anyway, I don't need other people's opinions to dictate to me what I believe.  I hope you'll take comfort in this video, maybe it happens a little like this, maybe it's different, but it could be, and it comforts me to think so. 

Also there's these books:
http://www.griefhealing.com/books-excerpts-pet-loss-links.htm
 

 

[AJWCat]

I am SO sorry for your loss of Jack, you guys did everything you could do. I hope you are doing okay. I know so well how awful it is losing your cat suddenly.  

[JellyBean04]

I am so sorry of your loss of Jack, you did the very best you could for him and in the end did the kindest thing you could do for him. I had to do that for my old girl, it is the hardest decision to  make, but can be the easiest. The last thing you want is for them to suffer longer than they need to. Life without them, it always feels like there's something missing. Jack was very lucky to have you in his life. Life may seem pointless now, it did for me for a while, but it really does get a little easier in time. It's been 4 months for me, I've had my ups and downs since, but it has become easier to remember my Frank. Not the way she died but the way she lived. It's hard to forget that part, but your Jack was beautiful and he was very lucky to have you in his life.