Suddenly lost my best friend

[Lostnbroken13]

I lost my mom and I’m feeling so lost and really depressed how do some of you cope. I don’t find many reasons to stay alive today.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[nuvar]

Im probably not the most qualified here to advise but I will just say there are bad days and worse days. You will have to find activities to line up so that it gives u less time to be that depressed.

However, u also need time to rest. For a start, try talking to a counsellor, psychiatrist or a friend? Ask a friend/relative or sibling out for coffee and just pour your woes. Find something to do to occupy your mind, like going to work or doing sports or volunteering or find comfort in a religion. Perhaps you can go to the pet shelter if you like animals and talk to the animals, i kind of find that soothing.

Or do something you like, like watching a movie or doing a handicraft or just binge watch things you like... or go running (as mentioned above, sports) then just lay down somewhere and think....... getting some sun helps

Think of what your mum would have wanted you to do, I know it hurts. It hurts terribly for me too since Im in the situation and in some way I feel a tremendous guilt for her suffering. 

Thinking of you, LostnBroken13. Hope you find something I said above helpful

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Lostnbroken13,

Our hearts are with you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. It’s hard to know in the very beginning what you will find helpful, or how to navigate this profound loss. Our minds are trying to process what happened and the deep pain of it all. It’s hard to cope and has been my biggest life altering event. I wrote quite a long reply below because what helps each person is different and all of us need to try different things to find what feels right. Grief takes you all over the map. 

Here’s some of what works for me: I go to the botanical gardens a lot because my mom loved flowers. I invite people that loved her to go with me and other times I go alone because I just want to think the thoughts that she and I would have if we were there together. I started pressing her favorite flowers and then putting them in frames. I’m doing my best to water and take care of two of her favorite plants. It helps me to see beauty and feel like I’m continuing something she enjoyed. I also see a therapist and make one standing lunch date a week with whoever is available so that I make sure I have contact and interaction (because I tend to isolate and want to isolate). When no one is available...I push myself to go anyway (even if it’s just getting myself takeout because just one smile from someone can change my mood, or seeing others that are struggling too, makes me grateful for what I do have). I bought a small box (you could use a shoebox or any box really) and I try and write one sentence a day about what I want, need, or I am feeling. If it’s something I want (like to feel calm), something I need (like love), I place it in the box, if it is negative (which happens in grief often and is completely par for the course), then I tear it up and throw it away. Meaning; hold on to what I wish for and get rid of things that I need to release.  I’ve also been finding purpose by helping others with whatever they need help with (big or small). I have been attending doc appointments with my uncle, picking up groceries for my aunt and just being of service in whatever way I can to others (even if it’s just a kind word, or holding a door open).

I cry a lot, I rest a lot and do as much activity as I can when I feel like I’m more capable that day. Reading about others experiences and sharing mine, helps me feel like I’m not alone in what I think and feel and so I do that quite a bit. Lastly, when I’m angry or feeling like everything is pent up inside me, I scream into a pillow, or walk up hill in the back yard (very helpful). I make myself go outdoors even when it’s freezing and try and get a little sun on my face, or at night, I sit on the porch roof and look up at the stars (not everyone is into that, but personally it helps my perspective). Although I don’t need a reminder... I remind myself...that her and I can never be seperated (soul wise)... even though it feels like I’ve exploded into a million little pieces and every cell in my body yearns and screams for her and I physically I want her here. I let myself know that whatever I’m feeling is ok and when others want my grief to move at whatever pace they think/feel it should be, I gently respond with letting them know I am exactly where I need to be in my process and thank them for their concern and love, but above all that I just need to feel whatever I’m feeling and thank them for listening and their support. 

So many hugs to you,

Nicole

[nuvar]

All of us here are part of a community no one would wish to join but will have to join at some point. Some of us feel more guilty, some less but equally sad, depressed and pining for our loved ones.

Everyone has a different way to grieve. I somehow like to open up to others to talk about my mum and talk to her(in my mind) at home. You may have a conversation with your mum in your mind - im sure you can guess what she would say. So that' exactly the advice you should heed. And I cry everyday. I also go and visit her urn (at a temple, im a Buddhist/Taoist) to talk to her. Some people choose to sweat it out or write it out in a blog or books. Some people choose avoidance.

Suppose you are your mum, what would you have liked your son/daughter to do?

If your father/siblings are around you can talk to them. I cant talk to my dad coz he has dementia and forgets what you spoke to him like 30minutes ago. He is taking things better than I am. He doesnt remember at times (sometimes he does, i remind him on purpose - and others do).

Another thing I did - I planted a new plant - pomegranate. My mum liked flowers/plants and I only brought her to Singapore's Gardens by the Bay once. That's a bit of a regret but it's something I will remember. Also, the things about growing a new plant in remembrance of someone makes you feel like tending to it more and see how things go and it's somewhat different from getting a pet which entails more responsibilities... however if you are able to take up that responsibility, getting a pet may help too

[Lostnbroken13]

I have a lot to move on from my mom passed in my house so now I want to sell it pulling in my driveway everyday is so painful. I’m so depressed I don’t clean till I have to.
I’m trying to be with friends I just don’t find much joy in anything these days. I feel like I’m a completely different person than who I use to be. It’s only two months some days I think to myself it’ll be like this forever how can I do this.
Thank you guys for talking to me


Missing her [emoji22]

[tessa]

Hi Lostnbroken,
2 months is still very, very raw. It's awful. But it gets better. The emotions become less raw and life gets more copeable with time.
Hang in there. It gets less worst. For me, it was a year before life became a bit more normal (although it will never be the same for me).

[Lostnbroken13]

Hi Tessa
I just don’t feel like there is a light at the end of this. My grandmother passed two weeks ago as well. We were not on speaking terms which is horrible. I just feel so much of a loss and so much anxiety that I don’t see any light. I’m trying everyday to wake up and find thankfulness but it’s very hard.


Missing her [emoji22]

[Nicole-my grief journey]

20 hours ago, Lostnbroken13 said:

I have a lot to move on from my mom passed in my house so now I want to sell it pulling in my driveway everyday is so painful. I’m so depressed I don’t clean till I have to.
I’m trying to be with friends I just don’t find much joy in anything these days. I feel like I’m a completely different person than who I use to be. It’s only two months some days I think to myself it’ll be like this forever how can I do this.
Thank you guys for talking to me


Missing her

I feel the same way. I have been staying at my mom’s house ever since it happened and being surrounded by everything she decorated, touched, created, our memories there and her things is painful. What’s unbelievable is that there is going to be a highway put through the property and so we will forced out and I don’t k ow the timelind and I’m super stressed on the entire situation. I’m not ready to sort through her things, oraginize and get rif of stuff. And it A LOT of stuff. She was an amazing mother and kept everything. She was extremely sentimental. I also have two of my brothers things who have passed away stored there and my apartment is all the way across the country. I actually just got back to my apartment today after all these months for a forced break from there. I’m nervouse about being alone here and all that knowing when I go back after this break she won’t be there and I’ll still have all the same problems still. I found it hard to find any joy and went and still just go through the motions of things in terms of spending time with friends. You kind of have to force yourself a lot. And even when you’re with them and they’re talking about general things and your mind is somewhere else do your best to bear it until it becomes more natural. Very slowly you may smile or have a laugh here and there and then more as time passes. Every time I had to interact with someone for the first time simce her passing I had anxiety about it, but I would tell them as soom as I saw them that I felt like and alien on another planet and so forgive me if I seem out of it and most people were empathetic and understanding. The “How are you” questions were difficult for me and so I was upfront about that with them and asked them to tell me about their lives and kids when I didn’t feel I could bear it to talk about my own stuff. I let them know I welcomed the distraction. I don’t clean until I’m forced to either, or I do it when I feel manic from the grief. I get more done when I know a guest will be stopping by. We are different now. Bottom line. Nothing will ever be the same. I tell myself I need to be my own anchor now and it’s going to take time to find my footing. I do a lot of affirmation speak with myself to turn over my self deafeating thoughts. It’s hard and annoying at first, but keeping at it is working now. I’m 6 months later and have had ups and downs from nit feeling like I will survive this, to feeling capable, to then feel like the floor drops under me again and then back to I’m going to keep at it...so try and be gentle with yourself and at the same time, remember that you are a beautiful, strong individual who will survive this and thrive again. Keep talking to us. That’s a good start. I miss my mom with every breath I breath. Sending my love to you. 

[marbeth]

I am so sorry for your loss and I know that there isn't much any of us can do to ease your pain.  Time will eventually do that, but the question is, how do you cope in the meantime?  I lost my mom in April of last year, so it's been nine months, and I'm still struggling because my mom was my best friend too.  We had the same sense of humor, the same politics, and the same taste in books and TV shows.  We loved to walk, and I miss my walking buddy more than I can say.

At work I overheard a coworker telling another about the death of her grown son, and they were saying how much harder it is to lose a child than to lose a parent.  They said that you expect to lose your parents but not your children.  I didn't intervene because I didn't want to sound as if it were a contest, but I was really angry because I had just lost my mom a few months before and I would bet my pain and grief were every bit as intense as the coworker's pain over her son.  I don't care that my mom was 91 and that I knew she would likely die before I did.  She was still my best friend whom I loved with all my heart and it still hurt like hell to lose her.

After this much time, I have my ups and downs.  Sometimes I feel as if I'm coping fairly well, and other times I just want to scream and cry.  It still seems like something that couldn't have happened--how can that person that I knew so well and shared so much with just be GONE?  How can it be that I'll never see her again as long as I live?  Thoughts like that hit me like a thunderbolt now and then and I almost feel as if I'm having a panic attack.  I cry for awhile--often quite loudly--and then I calm down, not in a blissful way but in an okay-I-guess-I-won't-kill-myself-today kind of way.

It has helped me to read what others are going through because I can see that it's normal.  I hope you know you're not alone in feeling a sense of pointlessness to your life now that your mom is gone.  I feel the same way.  In so many ways my mom was the center of my life, certainly the person to whom I related the most, and now I am having a hard time imagining that my life will ever have any meaning to it again.  What you're feeling is not unusual, and from what others have gone through--as I said, I'm still struggling myself--it will not be like this forever.  It may last longer than you expect, and most definitely longer than you'd like, but the edges of the pain will be less sharp with time and if you can find any way to keep busy, take it.

I have brothers and a sister-in-law with whom I go out to movies and sometimes have over for dinner, and that helps me--although I often find that I feel even more bereft and lonely the next day after I've done something with them because suddenly the fact that I'm alone again strikes me with renewed power. 

Do try to be with friends and family even if right now you feel as if you're going through the motions.  Talk to anyone you can who has been through a loss and can assure you that it will get better.  Remind yourself that we all go through this sooner or later.  Read through the posts here because I think it really does help a little to know you're not alone in your feelings.  But there is no magic answer that will suddenly alleviate your pain--or at least if there is, I haven't found it.  You'll probably find that once in awhile you'll feel a little better, and then that will start to happen a little more often.  Remember that it's not a betrayal of your mom to feel less depressed.  She would want you to be happy. 

Please try to hang in there.  You're not alone.