How do you find the meaning to live on

[nuvar]

After your parent/s passed on. Assuming you are the only child, have little to no friends and are not married/in a relationship?

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Trying to figure that out myself. Thinking of you. I’m living moment to moment. Have had a major depressive episode this week. Trouble sleeping and then sleeping too much once I do sleep. Just spent several hours organizing my mothers bathroom. Not able to throw things away. Deep sorrow. Knowing she would love how I organized her things and knowing I won’t see her again in this life. The smell of her perfume lingering because I got some of it on me and wishing I could hold her again. Everyone I know has kids or a partner and I have anxiety about always being solo. When she was alive I used to be proud of myself for going it alone and actually being okay with it. But now that she’s gone I realize I’ve lost my security blanket. Even if I met someone (chances are slim), I’m not in a place where I feel I would be able to connect. I’m watching my life pass me bye it feels like. I did listen to some “Ted Talks” tonight while cleaning and they helped my perspective for a bit. Maybe you could listen to a couple. They have them on all subjects and there are people on there overcoming their situations. I’m going to keep trying every day to find perspective and purpose. I have no other choice but to try because I’m still on this earth. But I agree that it feels like I don’t know how to completely find my way just yet either. You are reaching out and searching for answers and that means there is hope. Helping others by volunteering is a way to find meaning too. Even though it feels like how can I help others if I can’t help myself...in helping others I think we will find meaning again. Much love Nuvar. 

[nuvar]

Perhaps we should have a discord channel...

Im trying hard to find meaning. It's odd, but I have a family friend (call it fate) and she's a really nice person. She's much older than me - I call her sister but she's more like my aunt's age. She has a religion (Roman Catholic) and she has been trying to steer me towards the right path. By this I dont merely mean towards her religion (though she tried and I went to her Church once). She sends me a lot of encouraging messages and also gave me advice and scolded me when Im wrong.

I've been asking her for advice for quite some time. We only started talking after my mum got sick. She helped me a lot with my father and issues etc and also gave some bereavement money. I have a few other friends who did so. I feel kind of indebted to them. But I mentioned her because she's retired and taking care of her mum and she told me about her personal problems when young and how she relied on religion to get back on track. She now volunteers and encourages me to do so. She told me how she helped a few people and those people were ingrates (similar to some experiences of mine), she told me so it's not just me who meets with unfortunate incidents, bad people, bad luck in life.

I look up to her and feel she is really trying to help while she is not without medical problems and she has to care for her mum. She's also single and she told me many times how her siblings are not helping and how other siblings/relatives she saw from other families arent helping either. She tells me to rely on myself and not have expectations of others etc

I've been trying to get back to doing some sports too, but I cant help and cry quite often when Im alone. I just feel tremendous pangs of guilt. More often than not I cant find the reason to live on and I struggle to convince myself to do so because that would be what my mum had wanted and I promised her while shes in hospital (and being tortured). However, sometimes I feel Im responsible for her death... and if so, should I be living at all? I dont know. My mum is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet and she takes shiat in her stride (as I mentioned, shiat from me, my dad and previously she took care of her cancer-stricken brother in her late 20s and that was 40 yrs ago).

I would imagine she would want me to continue living and I did ask her and she did nod also when I read out my list of promises...... but somehow I cant help but blame myself for her suffering and death. Maybe, just maybe she wants me to go with her. I know by saying so Im painting her in a bad light. She never did, not even when she was hospitalized. I just feel Im projecting how I would feel towards someone who caused my death...... I dont know how I can reconcile with this. It's a weird, contradictory feeling. If one day I should have a child or someone close to me decide my death or accidentally cause my death, would I wish death upon him/her? Im not as altruistic as my family friend nor my mum. 

I simply cant find closure......... and I cant convince myself to live better. Im just stuck in this rut....... it's coming to 5 months now since my mum passed on. The way I see it, I dont know how Im able to move on in 6 mths, 1 yr, 5 yrs or even 10 yrs or more

Can you guys share how you managed to find, or are trying to find ways and reasons to live on?

[tessa]

Hi Nuvar and Streamingthelight,
It is still early days for you 2. It took me a year before the emotions subsided. I didn't want to go on after my mother passed away. I lost my appetite. I couldn't see a reason for living. I couldn't see a reason for dying either. I was like a zombie, a walking robot for the first year.
It gets less worst. I can't say it gets better. I can only say it gets less worst.
I still haven't found a reason to keep living but I no longer wish to be dead.
Just hang in there. Time will make it less worst. I live each day now because I have to. If I wake up in the morning, I live the day. That's all I know.
Nuvar, if religion works for you, I recommend it. Not only does it give us a reason to do or not do things, it also provides a community for us to belong to.
I envy the church people. Unfortunately, I can't believe what they believe anymore but I wish I could.

[nuvar]

17 hours ago, tessa said:

Hi Nuvar and Streamingthelight,
It is still early days for you 2. It took me a year before the emotions subsided. I didn't want to go on after my mother passed away. I lost my appetite. I couldn't see a reason for living. I couldn't see a reason for dying either. I was like a zombie, a walking robot for the first year.
It gets less worst. I can't say it gets better. I can only say it gets less worst.
I still haven't found a reason to keep living but I no longer wish to be dead.
Just hang in there. Time will make it less worst. I live each day now because I have to. If I wake up in the morning, I live the day. That's all I know.
Nuvar, if religion works for you, I recommend it. Not only does it give us a reason to do or not do things, it also provides a community for us to belong to.
I envy the church people. Unfortunately, I can't believe what they believe anymore but I wish I could.

Im not a Christian nor Catholic anyway. Im more of Buddhist. But maybe more agnostic/atheist. The thing is, I also dont know what to believe in anymore.