The anniversary approaching and what I’m feeling

[Nicole-my grief journey]

The anniversary of my brothers death is coming up at the end of the month. As it gets colder outside I’m getting triggered in to what I felt that week and night. The trauma that I have been working through is popping up for me more and more. It was this temperature outside the night that I drove down to his apartment, unlocked the door and found him a week after he passed away. I can’t say this to people who know me because I feel that they would gossip and make my true life story into a tale of something else and judgement. I feel they would and probably did say things to each other like: why didn’t we know he had passed away sooner, how could we not know, why didn’t we do more to try and help him, they might call him a junkie or other words that are hurtful to my family and to me. They might make my story worse than it is. The truth is, I did everything I could to help him. My parents did too and a lot of the time, yes, they enabled the behavior. But addiction is a disease and even with professionals it’s hard to know what to do when you’ve tried everything. When I didn’t hear from him and he didn’t reply to my calls and texts, I begged my family and a couple of close friends to help me figure out what we should do. Do I call the police? I was told no, I’ll get him put back in jail. I shouldn’t have listened, but I was scared that if I did call the police, my family would put me on the outs if he got arrested and I suffer with depression and needed them. I asked people to go with me to his apartment and everyone and I mean ALL of them, 5 people told me they were sure he was fine and it was normal. That he did that from time to time when he needed space. I lived out of state and I guess...wanted to believe them. All the while knowing in my gut and my soul that he was gone. When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I had to get there and know. I didn’t realize you can request wellfare checks on people (that that was the name for that tyle of situation). He was the most loving, beautiful person, who helped my parents, worked, didn’t steal from them, was good to everyone around him and was on and off of drugs, battling for years. He suffered from a dual diagnosis, I believe one was bi-polar and he self medicated. When he was cut off from his doctors (because my mother called them thinking this would help him in hjs recovery) he started buying stuff off the streets. He tried over and over again to get help, get clean and the drugs had changed his brain chemistry and his disease took his life. At the age of 41, 4 days after his birthday. All it took was one night and fentanyl in what he took to kill him. What people don’t get, is it can happen to anyone taking anything not prescribed by a doctor. A person doesn’t have to be an addict for this to happen to them because fentanyl is everywhere now. Yes, my brother was an addict, but I know people who go out to bars and parties and every once in a while, partake in “extra” partying. I’ve warned them all. I’m terrified that I’ll keep losing people to this. It’s everywhere in the city I grew up in. Whether it’s heroin, cocaine, weed that’s been laced, opioids off the street...just one night of quick judgement can take a persons life. I’m not a drinker or partier. I’ve seen to much. I miss my brother. My dads screams that night have started to replay in my head, the speaking to forensics, detectives and the cops. Standing outside in the cold with neighbors looking outside their windows. The coroner. Cleaning his apartment after. Having to take the floor of the apartment out and get rid of things. It was ruled accidental, but they are still trying to find the person who sold him the drugs. And I know someone else was with him because there were clothes in his apartment that weren’t his and his passenger side door was unlocked. I’ll never have answers and that is so hard too. You feel like you could have maybe saved them or done more. And to watch my parents go through everything, worrying for years and then my mom passing away just months after she no longer had to worry about him, tears me up inside. This is how I feel. Yes, I see a counselor, but sometimes you just need to get things out. I hope this helps someone reading it. 

[reader]

Dear Nicole,

Sending you love and hugs.

Thank you for taking the time to share your journey with us and trying to help others.

I wish we all had an easier path, but grief is a long hard road.

Thinking of you.

[Callyprays]

I came on here just after crying and your post helped me and also, I so feel your pain. Thank you for sharing. My sister passed away 3 days after leaving my apartment, not even 3 full days 2 and a half and fentanyl was found in her system. She passed away April 7th this year and it hurts more than it did now. She had just gotten out of jail too a week before and had been clean for months.

 

Lots of people have judgments about people who are addicts, their families, etc. But there is only so much we can do. If you need someone to talk to, you can message me. Much love and blessings to you, Nicole. 

[LKM]

December 13th was the 15 year anniversary of the death of my only blood sibling. My sister was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer at 32 years old and passed way 2 weeks before her 35th birthday. She would be turning 50 on the 30th of this month. I don’t know how to ecplaine it but it almost feels harder to be with out her in my life as the years go by. I miss her so much and it makes the holiday season even more difficult and depressing. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

LKM,

Yes. I know the feelings. I lost a different brother when he was 33 to adenocarcinoma metases. It has been twelve and a half years since his passing and the 19th of December was his birthday. He would have been 47. There have been so many milestones and every day life that I have wanted to share with him. Advice I wish I would have had from him and laughter and more memories. I often think how would we be at this time in our lives. The happiness and support we would have given each other. I miss both of my brothers so dearly as you do your sister. As you know, it doesn’t go away. It changes. There is always an emptyness in me, or a missing part of me. I always say, that I know we don’t get to keep our loved ones forever, but losing my one brother to cancer and the other to addiction at early ages is baffling, life changing and makes my heart ache. I am grateful for the years that we did have and our childhoods together. They both made me a better person and taught me so many things. I look for them in me and I sometimes I see glimpses of them in others when I experience kindness, or certain types of humor, or smiles. I try and treat others the way that they did. Sending a lot of love and hugs your way. I am sad for your loss. Thank you for sharing with me.