How do you cope?

[HollyBolly]

Hello everyone

Two weeks ago my gorgeous, loving terrier, Jack, aged ten and a half, woke in the night having a terrible fit. He sleeps with me and my other dog. It was completely out of the blue and terrifying to witness. I immediately contacted our emergency vet for advice.

During the next 24 hours, he had another 12 grand mal fits. He was placed on anti-size medication and over the next 24 hours he had fewer fits and less severe but he was still fitting. The look of fear in his eyes was awful.

Like many on this site, Jack was everything to me. My husband has a worsening neurological condition which causes confusion and distress and during these dark days, Jack brought laughter and love. He was an amazing lad.

Alough the medication didn't completely control the fits, he was fine in between although, of course,  I was incredibly worried. We live close to a Vets teaching hospital and I asked for Jack to be referred. Although I didn't want to put him through any procedures or leave him, I was advised that the only way to know what was causing the seizures was an MRI which could be done immediately. I chose to do this because it was the only way of knowing if Jack had something treatable which was unlikely but possible.

The short answer is that he didn't. I received a call to say that he had a large brain tumour deep in his brain.The position meant surgery and chemotherapy were ruled out. We were offered radiotherapy but he would have to be an inpatient for 4 weeks with only a hope of extending his life by a few months.  We decided that, at ten and a half, he should get palliative care and come home to be with us. We were told he might live for a few weeks only. I was devestated.

A couple of hours later, we collected him. He was a completely different dog. They had started a heavy cocktail of anti-seizure med and steroids to try to give him the best chance. For 48 hours he cried and whimpered constantly. I was told that it wasn't pain, it was caused by the location of the tumour and that as the drugs kicked in, we would start to see real improvements for a few weeks. I sat with Jack every night. To begin with he stopped eating, couldn't walk without falling and panted incessantly. The neurologist encouraged me to give him time hoping that soon the side effects would diminish and the benefits increase. Meantime, my husband was getting more and more upset by what was happening to our lovely little dog. This made him even more confused and life was even harder.

For a few days last week, I thought we were winning the battle: Jack was less wobbly, he began to eat again and we were able to take him for a couple of very short walks. He had completely stopped fitting or crying. I felt, that I had made the right decisions by giving him the best chance.  Suddenly on Weds thougg he seemed to completly disconnect from our world. He panted incessantly, looked pleadingly at me and I sat with him through each, long night, terrified that he would die alone.

My husband and most our friends had repeatedly urged me to call time but I has several conversations with the neurologist who said it was still possible that it was just the side effects of the drugs but also said it was likely that the tumour was affecting Jack's perception. Our local vet spoke of quality above quantity of life. All the vets agreed that, even if we were lucky, we could only hope for maybe 4-6 weeks. He wasn't in pain, or failing but was like an automaton completely detached from life.

I am devestated to write that at the end of last week, I took our gorgeous lad to our vet and allowed him to be put to sleep. It was incredibly peaceful and gentle but I am distraught that I did this to him. I feel completely responsible for his death. He loved me completely and even on the morning that I took him to the vet, he followed me around and trusted me completely. Ii haven't slept or eaten since, I see the image of him everywhere and feel I killed him.

My husband is now much less upset as he couldn't cope with seeing Jack so unhappy but I clinged to the hope that he might improve. I feel that I should never have allowed the MRI or drug regime, he was a different dog from that moment. 

I feel that I may never be able to live with this guilt. It completely overwhelms me and I have no idea how to cope with what I have done

[KayC]

4 hours ago, HollyBolly said:

It was incredibly peaceful and gentle but I am distraught that I did this to him.

Did this to him???  You lovingly let him escape what his life was becoming to be in peace and await the day when the two of you would join him.  You didn't "do something to him", you helped him make his exit gracefully and peacefully and escape a whole lot of pain and suffering by your choices.  That you got him help and tried everything you could, speaks volumes, but you can't fight the brain tumor when you can't operate!  It would have affected everything within him if allowed to continue.  It's good he didn't have to experience that.

4 hours ago, HollyBolly said:

I feel that I should never have allowed the MRI or drug regime, he was a different dog from that moment. 

He would have been an entirely different dog had the brain tumor been allowed to grow unchecked too.  You spared him that.

What you are experiencing now is the guilt part of grief.  We go through this when we lose someone we love, it's as if we go through all of the "what ifs" in an effort to find a different outcome, the one we have isn't what we wanted.  But there is no other outcome, just the one that happened.

I hope you will read these articles, they do a much better job of putting into words what I want to say.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[HollyBolly]

Thank you. I know that what you say makes sense but I simply don't 'feel' it. I cannot function on any level at the moment and cannot see how I can live with what I have done.

When I wrote the long first post, I re-read it and thought of course I had no choice but then I walked past where Jack would be sitting patiently waiting for me and started to sob and feel completely guilty. 

I would have done anything to give him more time. He trusted me completely 

[AJWCat]

First I am so so sorry for your loss of sweet Jack and the very tough times leading to you letting him go. 

Everyone did the best they could based on what they knew at the moment.

I totally understand the guilt, our cat we had for 10 years died with us while we were on vacation, I believe from a poison in the house (still not sure.) where we were. It was about 2 hours from my cat getting violently ill to us putting him down to save the last few minutes of suffering. 

The guilt was overwhelming. And the pain... if a heart could literally break in half mine would have. I think you are there now and I so wish I could do or say something to really help you. It is just time. Time heals, I promise it does. You will find the peace you need and deserve. Cry and let it out!

You were blessed to have Jack - he will live in your heart and memories forever and he was lucky to have you guys. 

[HollyBolly]

Thank you for your kindness.

I keep thinking if I had given him a bit more time for the side effects of the drugs to wear off, we might have had more time with him. He wasn't suffering or in pain.  It's an obsessive thought pattern and I cannot stop thinking I killed him and it's my fault. I have no idea how to cope 

[Beatriz]

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Jack trusted you because he knew you loved him and had his best interest at heart always. I think I know what it is like to look back and wonder how things might have been if we decided on another course of action and the difference a few weeks or in my case days might have made, just to have them with us a little bit longer. Death is abrupt, tactless and our lives are changed forever. Now you have this huge hole in your life, it is devastating. But you must not allow your mind to play tricks on you - remember Jack knew you better and he knew you would only do your best by him. When the guilty thoughts come, try and tell them to go away ( believe me, I know how hard it is) and focus on the fact that you did the best you could at that terrible moment, it is what matters most to Jack. Try and be kind to yourself now, please. 

 

[KayC]

On 9/24/2018 at 8:27 AM, HollyBolly said:

I re-read it and thought of course I had no choice but then I walked past where Jack would be sitting patiently waiting for me and started to sob and feel completely guilty. 

These are FEELINGS based and feelings aren't rationale-based.  You know with your head you're not guilty of anything but wanting the best for Jack, but with your heart you FEEL differently.  That's why feelings aren't a good barometer of anything, they can be very deceiving.  We have to think both with our heart and our head to have balance.

I hope with time you'll learn to be less hard on yourself.  Write yourself a letter as if the person/situation you are addressing was not you, but your best friend.  What would you tell your best friend?  Would you be so hard on her as you are on yourself?  I think not!  Write out that letter, respond to her, then read it back to yourself and realize it for yourself.  We have to learn to care for ourselves, all the more so when we're grieving, self-care is essential!  

Now, having finished that, write yourself a letter from Jack.  What would Jack say to you?  Keep in mind, he is in a happy place, at peace, free of pain, and gained the assurance of being with you again...time no longer exists in increments as we know it here so he's not sensing the waiting you are feeling.  He is happily playing with others and has no worries!  What does he remember about his life with you?  Your love, your taking care of him, and your letting him be free of suffering at your own expense, doing what was best for HIM, not you.  Read your letter back to yourself, and receive it.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, HollyBolly said:

He wasn't suffering or in pain. 

Not yet, you spared him that though.

[AJWCat]

Great post @KayC we are all way too hard on ourselves, not much compassion when we need it the most. And we are also forced to make decisions with almost no information, in a hurry, and just hope for the best. It's easy to second guess a "good outcome" that you'd have more time, but you would feel far worse causing more suffering and since we don't know what may have happened,  we should not assume we were wrong. 

How do you cope? I have no easy answers. I sometimes focus living hour by hour in my worst times of grief.

Try to focus on the wonderful life you gave each other and cry for your loss, work on not obsessing and making yourself feel even worse through guilt. 

[JellyBean04]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is such a terrible decision to make, and we're left wondering if we made the right one. Reading your post, you did absolutely everything you could for him and you had his best interests in mind. It is so hard seeing that empty place where they used to sit, all of the emotions really can hit you. This isn't your fault, you didn't want him to suffer and you made the kindest choice.

And on how to cope, well, it's extremely difficult. For me, I've been allowing myself time to grieve for the loss and be sad when I need to be, looking at photographs and really focusing on the good times we shared and the funny moments.

This is a really difficult time and I hope you're doing ok.

[ddsmum]

I'm so very sorry for your loss, @HollyBolly. I too had to make that call based on multiple seizures in which my beloved Dora would cry out and fall over and wet herself.  It was excruciating to witness and appeared to be awful for her as well.  Even so, I'm still plagued by guilt for deciding to have her put to sleep.  I'm certain that if I was in her place that is what I would want for myself, but since we can't speak to them, we are left with that painful decision. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her. 

I know in my heart that you only did what you did to help your sweet dog.  There was no malice.  You did your best to help and support someone you love.  

I'm glad you've come to this forum which is filled with compassionate people going through something resembling what you might be feeling.

May you find peace and comfort.

[HollyBolly]

Thank you all for your kindness. It's over a week since Jack died and I still feel completely bereft. I'm not sure I will ever cope with this feeling.

Today I said to my husband that it felt like I had killed our little dog. His reply : ' you didn't kill him, three of us did. You, me and the vet '. I had hoped for some reassurance or comfort - not a literal response. He has dementia;  I haven't stopped crying since. 

I hope that tomorrow is less painful 

[KayC]

Just remember, your feelings of guilt truly aren't earned or deserved, it's feelings-based, and that's not very reliable.  You all loved your pets, very much and would have done anything you could to help them, but we don't have control over their aging or getting maladies and want them to be as comfortable as they deserve.  What you chose was in their best interest.  You can only go by what the vet tells you, they are the ones with the medical knowledge and making recommendations, and I'm sure they don't take it lightly.

I hope you will read here:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

 

[AJWCat]

Just my experience with the pain... every day it is just the tiniest, sometimes imperceptible... a bit better. And then, out of nowhere you will see something on tv or read something or think about him and BAM, you will break down. Grief is not an emotion that is predictable. 

I promise you, you will survive. Sorry about your husband, that can't help your day to day situation. My heart goes out to you. I am missing my sweet cat today, and it's been over a year.

At least the initial total heartbreak is over - believe me I know where you are, it is painful. Keep posting if it helps, I sure did just to get it off my chest. My husband was also terribly devastated but my desire to talk about our cat and what happened was not going to fly as he didn't have any interest in obsessing like me. It was probably a good thing in hindsight.

[KayC]

My husband has been gone so many years, I love alone so don't have anyone else's reaction to deal with, but I can assure you that your feelings are normal, grief is far reaching and doesn't have an expiration date.

Last night I dreamed my Miss Mocha (gone since June 3, 2016) was living in the top of the garage all this time.  The dream shows me she is still ever on my mind, not only do I miss her, but never got closure...no body to bury, no ashes to hold onto.  I know she wouldn't run away from home, she loved it here, and she was very healthy.  Something got her.  It bothers me yet, her ending, what she went through, her unheard cries...

Nothing easy about any of this, no matter how they go, it's damn hard.

[steve76020]

i dont know you but your story really touched my heart as i had to give the order yesterday to put my little boy also named jack down, i know what you mean about the quickness of the onset of these things my jack has had a cough and always panted since he hit about 3 years old and i had been told by vets it wasnt anything to worry about. well yesterday morning i woke to him panting so hard and when i picked him up his little body was burning up so i immediatly took him to vet (my wife actually) but while waiting he soiled himself and passed out with his tongue turning blue, as soon as i got free 30 min after they got to vet i went and he was in an oxygen box they told me he was only getting part of oxygen needed due to fluid on his heart, well he has been on lasiks for 7 months or so and it didnt seem to help, but any way they left him in the box till he was less distressed then took him out to get an xray within minutes he was fighting for air again and the xray showed them his heart was so enlarged that with the fluid in chest cavity he just didnt have room there to breathe and there was nothing they could do for him, so i gave the order to take away his pain and fear and now i too have the guilt you felt i feel like he trusted me totally to save him and all i could come up with was put him down. the vet said he went to sleep very easy that he was tired and ready to go, but hey who really is regardless of what they say.. i feel like i betrayed him and let him down and every day i cry because of it. they say time heals everything but we shall see. please feel better and let go of the guilt you did what you did to stop his suffering as i did my little jack had a look of sheer panic in his eyes when i first woke and saw him and he looked at me like now daddys awake he will save me, and i couldnt and it hurts worse than any pain ive ever had in my life.. my jack was about 13 yrs old ive had him nearly 12 years he had a good life and a happy one

[KayC]

Steve, I am sorry for your loss, and I hope you also will read this article.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

[NRoeder]

I am new to the forum, and your story about Jack reminded me so much of what I just went through with my pug Lily, who just passed away 4 days ago. She started having seizures, and was diagnosed with encephalitis. We were also in the awful situation where we started treatment, and it was hard to tell the difference between her just gettting worse, and the symptoms of all the medications she was on. The neurologist encouraged us to push on, and see how she did, but she lost her spark/who she was immediately after her diagnosis. We lost her 4 days later, when she wouldn't stop seizing, and we had to let her go and end her suffering. I am overwhelmed with grief, guilt, and haunted by the last images of her. I hope over time these feelings will lessen, and I hope you are doing better.

[AJWCat]

So sorry to read this @NRoeder - the images will lessen. I had a sudden and horrible loss of my cat and it took me a few weeks to cope with the ending - what it was. I was distraught over his suffering and very angry about how his life ended.  The images and replaying it all does go away.

The grief takes time. Again so sorry to hear about your sweet Lily. 

[steve76020]

NRoeder im so sorry for your loss and i know the guilt you are feeling. I too feel this guilt when i last saw my jack peering at me from inside the oxygen box he needed to breathe he looked at me like he had let me down and couldnt bear to look me in the face. That little guy felt guilty for being sick and it broke my heart because i felt it was my fault due to something i hadnt done for him. these little animals are so dear to our heart giving us unconditional love that we cannot comprehend their devotion. Im sorry i cant tell you its easy to get through you just do the best you can and talk to them through their little spirits. i know jack forgives me for anything i failed to do and your lilly does likewise just hang in their and cherish her memory as i do jacks.

[steve76020]

these little animals love us regardless of all our faults they have this unconditional love for us. and to have had that unconditional love makes us the luckiest creatures on gods green earth. just think about it, this little dog or little cat loves us through the good times and the bad times regardless, how blessed are we.

[HollyBolly]

Hi 

I am so, so sorry to hear about Lily. The similarities are striking - seeing your dog having seizures is truly awful. We too listened to the neurologist when, with the advantage of 6 weeks distance, I have come to realise and accept that we were never going to win the battle of an aggressive brain tumour. The simple fact is that I wanted him not to die: I adored him. Like you, I am wracked with guilt. You will though  eventually, begin to accept that there was nothing you could do. I loved Jack and would have done anything to stop it happening but I couldn't. 

My advice is to try not to dwell on the last days and images. You loved Lily and did everything you could to help her. Just as I did Jack, but sometimes there's simply nothing that can be done. You took advice from the most experienced vets but, very sadly,she couldn't be saved.

It does get better. I am still tearful most days still but I know I loved him and did everything I could just as you did for Lily. The most loving thing we both did was to make sure that they didn't continue to suffer. 

 

[KayC]

Puppy mills?  Specialty breeds.  Website not accurate, but there's one in the UK.  Reported both.

Thank you for removing!

[NRoeder]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It helps so much to hear from you. The grief seems to be a roller coaster - one moment i'm feeling a little better, the next i've lost my breath, and in so much pain just thinking about her. The moments that I feel ok, I feel guilty about. Just trying to take things one day at a time. My husband, who is struggling as much as I am, has mentioned getting another pug in the coming months. I think he is desparately trying to fill the giant hole she's left in our hearts and lives. I just don't know if i'll ever be ready for that, certainly not anytime soon. It would feel to me like we were trying to replace her, and that makes me feel even more sad.

[KayC]

On 11/7/2018 at 7:19 AM, NRoeder said:

The moments that I feel ok, I feel guilty about

Try to remember that it's not the grief that binds you to her, it's love, and that continues still.

[KayC]

On 11/7/2018 at 7:19 AM, NRoeder said:

It would feel to me like we were trying to replace her, and that makes me feel even more sad.

Try not to think of it that way...you could never replace her in a million years.  There is no one like her!  If you got another, it would be a whole new relationship, a whole different personality, and it'd create it's own spot in you, not take hers.

[AJWCat]

@NRoeder I believe you guys will get another dog (pug?) in the future. I had a lot of angst without a cat once he was gone. I wanted him back and I didn't want a "new" cat but I love having them.  However, we couldn't adopt a new one because we were in a vacation home and then we were going to move somewhere new but we weren't sure where, so it was way too difficult.

I am glad I was forced to wait.

We waited, August to December and even when we adopted a new cat, the whole thing just brought up a lot of pain of losing our sweet kitty. But I wanted another cat! So, there are these competing emotions you will just work through.

Give yourselves some time. You will not find another pug like your girl. She was special and unique. When it's right you find another and she/he will be different and perfect. That is what I have now with my new crazy little 3 year old cat and I adore her (which makes me a little scared, loving takes courage.)

But she has never replaced our other cat. My other cat will be with me forever. The pain of the loss will too sadly.  

[NRoeder]

You're probably right... someday maybe. Part of it is what you said - I am so scared of opening my heart up to another dog bc this is so incredibly painful, the thought of having to do it again, is unimaginable right now. We are feeling a little better with our grief every day that passes, I am relieved that the vivid memories of her last night and letting her go aren't as sharp in my mind, and I am grateful for that. Just continue to think about her, and miss her every day.

[KayC]

Yes the price for loving means we risk the pain of losing them, but try not to pay heed to the fear so much as embrace the love, even with the risk of loving and someday losing again.  I look at it this way, I would not trade the years with my dogs and cats that I've had for anything, not one moment, not one day...that means the pain of losing them when their time came was more than worth the price of my grief.  We focus on the time we have with them and that makes the grief worth bearing.  I'd do it all again, remember the intensity of the pain lessens to something more bearable with time.