I lost my brother. I am sad.

[Saida]

Hello everyone, 

I'm 24, I lost my brother 4 months ago. he was shot to death. He was 21. 

I have been trying hard not break. I act strong in front of everyone but I am really sad. I have no other word to describe it. I am sad. 

I'm afraid of sleeping, because I slept on 2:30 am that day, he was shot on 1:30 am and was declared dead before I even fell to sleep. My family didn't tell me until they sent someone to take me home at 4:00 am. and I'm afraid I might lose him again, it's stupid but it controls me. 

I take a nap in the day time everyday because I don't sleep well, and I dream of him everyday. my family envies me for "seeing him" daily, I hate the fact that I get up. each time I get up I get shocked again realizing that it was only a dream. I'm not getting used to it. 

He is a very loving person, he would make every little gesture to make my parents happy, he thinks of others probably more than he thinks of himself.

I know he's not here anymore, I know I should say "he was" instead of "he is", but it hurts even more. 

it's unbelievable, incomprehensible. I thought time would help because everyone told me so, they said we can support each other and it will hurt less as time passes. but it doesn't get easier... everything looks and sounds silly. 

I really wish to die, I'm not suicidal, I'm not depressed.I just wish this ends soon. I am sad.

 

[reader]

Dear Saida,

I'm sorry for your loss. I know its so hard right now. It is normal to be raw and wishing that things could go back to the way it was. Please know everything you are thinking and feeling is normal part of grief.

I don't want you to feel alone. We are all here together. Please consider talking to a grief counsellor or seek additional supports in the community or through church.

Keep writing and talking it out. Thinking of you. With all my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Little sister]

So sorry for your loss I just recently lost my only brother in a driving accident. All I can say is just try your best to hold on. There is nothing wrong with any way you choose to feel or what you decide to think. I thought several times of just ending it all as well. What is keeping me going for now is that thought in the back of mind that my brother would not b happy if I did a such thing, also that I have small children and that sum1 told me if you harm yourself you may not get to see him in the next life. All you can do is try because doing ok 1 day doesn't speak on how you will feel come another day. But try your best

[missingmybrother_]

Hey Saida, 

I lost my brother suddenly a few weeks ago. I feel like I can relate entirely to your words, even though our situations are not exactly the same. 

I am only 25, and I almost feel like I am too young to experience such a close death. It's not fair. I am sad, too. I am here to talk, if you want. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Saida,

I am heartbroken for you. I know the shock of losing a brother to something so terrible. I lost my first brother when I was 27 and I just lost another brother a little over a year ago. It is incomprehensible, tragic and all encompassing. It is so hard on the system to experience it all over again every time you wake up. I have gone through that part of grief too and I still have to take naps during the day because grief is exhausting. It will change. 4 months is extremely fresh and your body and mind are still processing it. The emotions and shock take a toll on the body and so it is ok to nap and feel sad. I have survived both losses when I didn’t think I could or would. Keep holding on. No matter what. Keep sharing and talking. I know it’s more than hard to feel alone in the grief and what you are going through. Especially if people around you the same age haven’t experienced something like that. Buy a journal and scribble every feeling and emotion. It’s so important for it not to stay inside you. I have mine from when I was 27 and in reading it now, I can see how it helped me to release what I felt.  Therapy and grouo grief meetings have helped too. We are so lucky to have been close to our siblings and know that kind of love. That is also why it is so painful to lose them. We are here for you. Wishing you better days ahead.

hugs,

Nicole