Sudden loss of my beautiful boy. The grief is overwhelming.

[chocko-cake]

Hi everyone, 

I'm really glad to find this forum. I am absolutely overwhelmed with grief and cannot remotely function. My darling boy, Rocco, was a healthy and happy 6 year old lab mix. On Friday night, he greeted me at the door, when I arrived home, as he always did. Lots of tail wags, lots of cuddles. By Sunday afternoon, he was gone.

I went out on Saturday morning and came home again in the late afternoon. Rocco hadn't eaten his breakfast and was a bit mopey. He went out for a walk in the afternoon with my husband, but was slow. On the way back inside the house, he bumped into the back of the car parked in the driveway. He would always come and "tell" me he was back from his walk. He didn't do that on Saturday. He just laid down, utterly exhausted. Later than night, he walked into the table and couldn't catch his treat when it was thrown for him. As the evening wore on, he just couldn't seem to get comfortable anywhere and kept moving around, never quite settling. He refused his dinner. We decided I would take him to the vet the next morning as it was clear something was wrong.

When I woke up, Rocco was laying in the hallway. He banged into the wall when he tried to walk. I took him straight to the after hours vet. They did blood tests and confirmed he had gone completely blind. I was stunned and shocked. The vet couldn't say how or why that had happened either and decided he needed to do tests.

The tests showed Rocco had a raging infection, a fever and possibly liver issues.  The vet said his red blood count was so low, it was a miracle he was still walking around. He sent me away and told me he'd need to do more tests and would call me when the next lot of results were in. He could say that Rocco would need a blood transfusion, but that might not work; his condition was life threatening. I had to leave Rocco there so the vet could do more tests. I cried the whole way home and told my husband and kids what had happened. My husband was emphatic that we would not allow Rocco to suffer. I agreed with this, but it was me that took the call from the vet when he called an hour later. He said the results showed Rocco probably had an autoimmune disease, or may have eaten poison. It was also possible he had an underlying cancer that was not showing outwardly yet. Either way, the prognosis wasn't good and the vet felt euthanasia was the best option. I couldn't even respond as I was crying so hard.

We all went back to the vet to be with Rocco. He was exhausted, but we got happy tail wags and licks when he heard us arrive. He was clearly very sick. He got worn out by our cuddles and pats within a few minutes. By the time the vet was ready to begin the euthanasia procedure, he was almost unconscious. He was gone within moments, with his head on my husband's lap, with the rest of us patting him and telling him what he a good boy he was and how much we loved him. My family are just ripped to pieces. I can't stop thinking I should have opted for the blood transfusion. Maybe Rocco would have had more time. Perhaps I should have sought another opinion. My poor baby only had 6 years. That isn't long enough. :-(

We opted to have Rocco cremated and now I feel terrible about that too. He should have come home with his family. The thought that he is lying in a freezer somewhere makes me physically ill. I don't know how I will ever recover from this. He was my precious fur baby and I miss him more than I can ever express. I have barely stopped crying since Sunday morning. I can't go to work, I can't sleep, can't eat. I haven't even been able to move Rocco's uneaten Saturday dinner from his spot. I would give anything to pat his beautiful ears just one more time...

Please tell me how to get through this. I just can't see a way out of the guilt and despair.

[BensMum]

Hi, I'm so sorry you are going through this grief at the loss of Rocco. We had a similar devastating experience a month ago when we had to have our beautiful chocolate Labrador put to sleep. We had all the guilt and regrets that you are going through and the "what ifs" I think this is a normal part of the grieving process. If it is any help at all to you, after a month things are just becoming a bit better although it doesn't take much to bring on the tears again.  Just remember how much he loved you and how much you loved him back that you were able to give him the final gift of all to be at peace and free from pain.Just take each day at a time and I found it helped to read as many articles as I could about pet bereavement and finding forums like this is also a comfort. You will get through this, but it is a slow process, and somehow it is as though you have released him from pain only to take on the pain yourself. Just remember you did the best thing for Rocco, which is what he deserved as you loved him so much

[alex_n]

I am going through something similar at the moment - my cat was put to sleep yesterday and I can't stop replaying the moments just before he died over and over again in my head.. he looked so sad as his body went all limp. In some ways I wish I hadn't seen it happen but I wanted to be there for him. I also feel extremely guilty about the decision - he was 15 years old, well into old age for a cat, and recently he had become ill and lost almost half his body weight (he was quite heavy before). He was very senile, an old man of a cat, and had started 'talking' to himself. He was quite happy though really, but he broke his leg very badly 2 days ago and was in a lot of pain. The surgery to fix it would've been long and complicated and we decided that we couldn't put him through it, and that he might not make it anyway. I wish I could've spent more time with him before it happened, but it all came so quickly. I've been unable to think about anything else since, and am just about functioning. I am slowly trying to change my way of thinking, and admit that we did the best thing for him. He did not suffer for long. I know its going to take some time for me to accept this. We have to try really hard to accept that we did the right thing - undue suffering is never fair on an animal. I hope it gets easier for you soon.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, but I can't help but feel you did the right thing for him, so that he would not suffer any more.  The way I see it they would have done expensive tests, trying this treatment and that, only to have the same result, only with him suffering all along the way.  You did the right thing for your boy.  He knew you loved him, you were with him, and he slipped peacefully into what is next for him.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

Our pets are so wonderful and deserving I wish they could live longer with us, but I look forward to the next life when we'll never have to say goodbye to them again.

 

[chocko-cake]

Thank you everyone, for your kind words. It really does help a lot to know there are others who understand how much this hurts.

I had to collect Rocco's ashes today. I know it's silly, but it was a bit of a relief to have him home again. I thought I would scatter his ashes, but I think now, I'd like to keep him close for a while.

I'm crying less, usually only a couple of times a day. This is a big improvement already.

[KayC]

chocko-cake, 

I kept my husband's ashes in my bedroom for two years until I figured out where to scatter them...it can help to have them with you a while.  If/when the time comes to do something different with them, you will know, but for now, I'm glad you have them with you.  I'm glad you're crying less!

[JaneM]

Dear Choco-cake,

Your post sounds identical to what has happened to our beautiful boy Sam. We said goodbye to him yesterday with the heaviest of hearts.  Sam took his last walk full of vigour and his usual excitement on Sunday night, 3 days later he was gone. The only difference with my story was that Sam had his annual vaccinations a week prior which the vets feel may have somehow been linked to his underlying condition.  Sam had 3 blood transfusions on Tuesday and yesterday and let me tell you he suffered as a result of them. He lasted 2 more days than he should because of them but he was miserable.  He vomited blood every few hours and the vet said he was feeling "like he had a terrible flu". More blood transfusions would have simply only prolonged his pain and suffering,  I would never do that to him. It's only been one day since his passing and the loss I feel is unbearable.  I miss him more than words can be expressed here or verbally.  I am receiving his ashes in a wonderful wooden box this Monday as I do want to feel him near me. Please consider keeping him close always, as a beautiful reminder of the love you shared. Don't live with the "What ifs", instead live with "the immense joy, love and happiness he brought into your lives". I feel your heartache and know that eventually,  we will get better.  No one wants to feel the way we do now, it's awful, it's gut-wrenching and extremely difficult.  As my husband often says, "don't cry because they're gone, but smile they were here". This is too early for me and perhaps even you,  but let's try and remember it for the time will come where it will help us greatly. 

[AJWCat]

Hi @JaneM I just wanted to post here and say how sorry I am for your loss of sweet Sam and the difficulty. I know the devastation of the suddenness as well. We all want to heal quickly but let yourself grieve (and cry) as long as you need though. It is okay to be sad. 

 

[KayC]

Jane,

Do I understand you correctly, that you think the vaccinations contributed to his death?  I just wondered because I didn't get my cat until she was 12, although I knew her two years before, and she's never been to a vet.  My neighbor has a cat rescue and she recommended I not vaccinate her because she was already old when I got her...she's 23 now.  I've heard this from people before, but this is the first animal I haven't vaccinated.  I have to vaccinate my dog because it's the law since they license dogs.

[chocko-cake]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a sad day and thought I'd check in again - and only just saw your messages.

I've been reading a bit about the development of auto immune diseases in animals and the link to vaccinations. There is some suggestion that it can exacerbate issues, but I really don't know. My Rocco had a two year vaccination one year ago, so I don't think it could have been that for him. 

Jane, I'm very sorry to read about your Sam. It does sound eerily similar to what happened to our Rocco. I have felt enormous guilt about not doing the blood transfusions, for a long time. It's just so hard to know what to do. During the same weekend that Rocco died, a work colleague had her dog in the emergency vets too - she opted to do a heap of treatments and her dog  survived, but then died just last week. I have felt immense grief and guilt thinking I had given up too quickly. In my reading about autoimmune illnesses, I found an article by a vet where he said it's better for the pet to be euthanised a week too early than a day too late. It made me feel better, but oh, making that decision is just so excruciating. It guess it will always feel like we could have done something else.

I hope you're all hanging in there. X

[KayC]

1 hour ago, chocko-cake said:

I found an article by a vet where he said it's better for the pet to be euthanised a week too early than a day too late.

I agree.  We tried to get my son to euthanize his dog, Skye and he put it off.  One day he came out of Costco and found Skye in the back of his Baja with blood everywhere, he had a rectal tumor that burst...I can't begin to imagine the pain he was in!  Skye wasn't old but he was crippled and had all kinds of problems, including Colitis.  He was a happy sweet dog, will always be my favorite granddoggy, he's buried in my back yard.  

Sometimes we can wait too long to do the right thing for them because we want to hang onto them.  Doing the kindest thing for them is selfless and the most loving thing we can do, in my opinion.

[chocko-cake]

KayC, your poor son must have felt terrible. I can absolutely understand why he put it off. It is so hard when we can't speak to our pets, to understand how they feel. 

[JellyBean04]

It is a very difficult decsion. I still sometimes wonder if I acted too quickly, but then I ask myself would I have been trying to keep her alive for her sake or for mine? I wasn't ready to lose her but the last thing I would've wanted was for her to suffer. So I had to do what I thought was best for her. It's the hardest decision I've had to make.

[BensMum]

Hi Choco-cake

Over three months on and I too am still having sad days. I think I am going on OK then a sudden thought, or even a song,can bring on an overwhelming sense of grief and sadness. I have never been like this with any of my other dogs, I think because that with them I always knew the time was right, but with Ben we had no idea how ill he was until he had an ultrasound at the vets. We thought it was just a tummy upset but he had a shrunken liver, enlarged pancreas and jaundice. He was very ill and never came home with us.We had no choice and had to put his needs before ours although we desperately wanted to keep him with us. I still don't understand how this could have gone undetected as after  his blood profile two weeks previously the vet said everything was fine, there was just a small issue on his liver count which was nothing to worry about and was quite common.She prescribed Milk Thistle.

Ben was extremely ill one year after his annual vaccinations, the vet said it was just coincidence but I know it was something to do with them, maybe interaction with one of the drugs he was on. 

I do hope your sad days get less and for everyone else out  there struggling with their loss, the pain will decrease gradually but I'm not  sure if it will ever go away altogether. x

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, chocko-cake said:

It is so hard when we can't speak to our pets, to understand how they feel. 

And we have to keep in mind that animals often hide their pain.  Skye could have been really hurting from that tumor for quite some time, yet not showed us his pain.  They do that as part of their instinct for survival...survival of the fittest.  In the wild, they would be preyed up if they showed weakness.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, BensMum said:

We thought it was just a tummy upset but he had a shrunken liver, enlarged pancreas and jaundice. He was very ill and never came home with us.We had no choice and had to put his needs before ours although we desperately wanted to keep him with us. I still don't understand how this could have gone undetected as after  his blood profile two weeks previously the vet said everything was fine, there was just a small issue on his liver count which was nothing to worry about and was quite common.She prescribed Milk Thistle.

I, too, take Milk Thistle for my liver...I have problems with my liver in spite of living as a teetotaler, likely from Rxs or having had parasites 20 years ago.  Sometimes we don't know what exactly caused these issues, but they're there nonetheless.

I'm sorry it had the effect it did.  Like my son reminded me a while back, I don't believe in coincidences...not that they can't happen, but more often than not, they tell us something and we're wise to look at what else occurred at that time.  I'm with you, it sounds possible, even very likely, that the vaccinations had something to do with it.  They are pushed and pushed on us and yet some of us can't tolerate them as well as others.  I have a neighbor that has a cat rescue (she has 20-some cats at any given time) and she says not to give older animals vaccinations, and yet they're required by law for our dogs!  My own Kitty is 23 and never been to a vet in her life.  I tried to get her in to get some dental work done a while back and they said no vet would touch her at her age!