Everyone’s gone and I’m sad

[SarahK]

It all started the night I decided not to sleep at my grandmas house. I was five years old and that next morning my grandma was dead. She died in her sleep. A month later my other grandma died. In fourth grade my mom got pregnant and I would no longer be an only child. She had a miscarriage and I lost my brother. Shortly after that my uncle Danny committed suicide. And a few months after his death my grandpa Jim died. When I was 16 my best friend Katie got hit by a car While biking and was killed. My senior year of high school my other grandpa passed away. When I was 26 my dad died from cancer. He was only 56 years old. Shortly after that my mom was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s and I was her caretaker. She passed away this past fall at the age of 58. I feel alone and sad and depressed. I’m 31 years old.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Dear SarahK,

Sending love, warmth and prayers your way. Enduring multiple losses is heartbreaking and on top of it you’ve been your parents caregiver. That adds a whole other dimension to grief. It’s unbelievable that some have to go through so much in the way of losing everyone they love and who have anchored them. Lately I just can’t seem to ground myself and feel safe. It constantly feels like what, or who, is next...in the way of scary news and losses. I have been doing positive affirmations, deep breathing, telling myself I am ok and safe (trying to believe it) and making myself get up and out of bed although depression makes it feel impossible... I have had multiple losses as well and feel alone, sad and depressed. I’m 39 and I’ve lost two of my brothers, one to cancer when he was 33 (I was 28 at the time) and most recently, my brother who had literally just turned 41 to an overdose. I was extremely close to both of them and tried to save them both and couldn’t. I was powerless and my efforts failed. It feels like part of my body is missing and also a loss of identity for me. In this last year, 5 friends of mine have passed away. The most recent was a few weeks ago. No joke, all the same funeral home and all my age and people that influenced my life that I grew up with. I am doing my best to cope. I actually feel like I’m just running on adrenaline because my mom has colon cancer metasis and I’m her caregiver and my dad is showing signs of extreme stress, hearing loss and dementia. I no longer connect with the friends I had in the city I was living in before I came back to my home town for my mom’s diagnosis and then ongoing emergency surgeries. My reality is just so different now from theirs and although they mean well, it’s impossible for them to understand. No one knows what to say and there’s nothing any of them can do. I just have to grieve and wait for time to pass. It’s hard for me to see others going about their daily lives, or not giving thought to how blessed they are to have peace and normalcy. To hear them complain about things that in the long run won’t matter. I have to think that those of us who have gone through so much loss have a purpose, there is a reason to keep going, to live and transform our grief. I feel it’s to help others with their pain, grief, confusion and loss. Even if we don’t yet understand our own. You’ve helped me by posting and sharing. Thank you. It has made me feel less alone. I’m putting out thoughts for you to be surrounded by kind, caring individuals with anyone you come in contact with this week. 

Big hug, Nicole

[Callyprays]

Oh gosh I am so sorry for all of the loss and pain you have had to endure. I will pray for you and hope you are doing a bit better since posting this. Do you have any counseling going on or support?