cat Lost my cat 24 hours ago and my pain is getting worse

[MyJulius]

I lost my dear cat Julius just over 24 hours ago and the pain of his loss just seems to be getting worse. This morning I woke expecting to see him and have him wake me by pouncing on me. I searched for him all over the house until I realised he was gone and I just sat near his basket and wept until I was sick.

I’m sorry if this post is going to be long but having found this forum and reading everyone else's stories about losing their beloved cats and suffering like me, I felt it would help my heart to share my story and I won’t feel so alone. I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to bring him back but if I write down my feelings of what happened it might help with the isolation and despair I am feeling from his passing.

My Julius was 17 years and 8 months when he passed away on Friday around 8:30am when I had to put him to sleep. I got him when he was only 6 weeks old in the year 2000. He was such a gentle and calm cat. A few years ago, exactly three and a half years ago, he started getting sick and drinking a lot of water non-stop. He started hiding out in the pantry cupboard on a shelf and behaving very sick but still eating ok. This went on for about 2 weeks till I decided he needed to be checked. He didn’t seem seriously ill, just ‘off’. I had a vet who did home visits so I set up an appointment to have him checked and take some blood for blood tests. During that same week this was happening to Julius, my father who had retired overseas, and had been diagnosed 6 months prior with a cancer called multiple myeloma, was starting to get seriously ill, despite the doctors saying it wasn’t an aggressive cancer and he had several years to live.

During my home visit the vet took blood from Julius and said she would have the results the next day and made an appointment to come in the morning to check on Julius and discuss his results. That same day that Julius had this blood taken, I received a call in the afternoon saying my father had apparently taken a turn for the worse and started talking to the wall in his bedroom and collapsed. He was rushed to hospital where he went into a coma from septic shock. I begun making plans to fly overseas the next day to get to the hospital. That was a sleepless night as I knew the morning was going to be difficult as I was dreading the fact of leaving my sick Julius but knew I had to get to my fathers side fast. I prayed Julius’ results the next morning would be ok.

As the sun rose the following day the vet called and said she had his results and would be over to speak to me about Julius’ results right away. Just as the vet arrived, I received a call from the hospital that my father was being manually resuscitated as his organs started shutting down an hour prior and they told me that he may pass away. I hung up the phone devastated and the vet knew what was going on and saw me in such distress, so she first had to calm me down while at the same time trying to explain that Julius’ blood tests revealed that he actually had diabetes. I was quite numb and when my phone started ringing again and I saw it was the hospital, I just knew it was someone telling me that my father had passed away. I didn’t even need to answer the call. That was November 26, 2014 and was quite possibly one of the worst mornings and days of my life. I still can’t quite remember how I got through that morning, it was very tough.

I remember just dealing with the vets diabetes diagnoses and trying to keep it together until she was gone so then I could call the hospital and have a chance to talk to them and break down.

I didn’t know anything about diabetes in cats, I just figured they get some insulin once and its over with. But before the vet left, she explained that Julius didn’t have diabetes from being overweight, he was a healthy sized cat, the vet said his pancreas had stopped producing insulin due to his age and I needed to start insulin that day. But I had to also fly overseas that same day as well to get to my father who passed away. In the end the vet just gave Julius one shot of insulin at the time and suggested when I get back from overseas to start regular daily injections. A friend was willing to house sit and look after Julius while I was overseas and the vet agreed to be on standby to collect Julius if my friend called to tell her he started to decline further.

I spent a week overseas for my fathers funeral and Julius was relatively ok. Once I arrived back home the vet was back the same day teaching me how to do insulin injections and I was learning to test his blood glucose at home by ear pricking. For the next three and a half years, at 7am and 7pm, without fail every day I did my beautiful boys injections and tested his blood on a regular basis. Every day! His injections become part of our daily routine and we turned it into a game every morning and every night and he soon learnt to ask for his injections and remind me sometimes. 

It was on April 30 this year that I noticed Julius’ appetite and personality being a bit off. As a diabetic he would eat little snacks every 2 to 3 hours and always be hungry for food even with the insulin. He went from eating 4 or 5 small cans of food per day to about 2 cans. This was on a Monday and the same behaviour on Tuesday. When Wednesday came around, he was eating even less so I called the vet to do a home visit the next day. Julius had a barrage of blood tests just three weeks earlier and aside from kidney disease, which I knew he had, everything else about his results were healthy so it was strange that he would get sick. The vet and I assumed it might be his diabetes playing up and he also wasn’t going to the toilet properly anymore. The vet came by and gave me some medication to help him with going to the toilet. His temperature was fine. His glucose was a little high but nothing to worry about and the vet just said to give him the meds to make his toilet easier and lets see how he goes after that.

I gave him the meds and he went to the toilet wonderfully and I thought thank goodness that must have been what was making him sick, he was all blocked up. So I assumed on Friday morning he would be back to his hungry self and personality again.

Instead Friday morning arrived and he ate about a teaspoon of food and went to sleep in his basket. A bad sign. He loved his breakfast and would then get his insulin shot and be ready for his second breakfast. There was none of that, but I still did his insulin of course. He didn't eat for the whole day. I called the vet and said he was getting worse and she said she could come out on Monday and perhaps take him into the clinic for further tests.

Julius was quite ill that day and then on Saturday morning he looked absolutely frail. I put him on the lounge to do a blood test and saw his blood glucose was a bit low so I bought him a little sweet snack I knew he would love to raise his glucose back up. As he stood up to eat his snack, Julius had a massive seizure. His head flew back, the small amount of breakfast he ate came out of his mouth and the seizure lasted for about 30 seconds which felt like 30 minutes and when it stopped he was very disorientated. I put him in his cat carrier and raced him to the emergency vet clinic where they took him inside and checked his vitals and put him on IV.

He recovered and they ran a bunch of blood tests which all came back normal. The vet asked if I would be happy to leave him there until Monday when the specialist was in to do an ultrasound as his stomach seemed very bloated and they were worried about that so I said ok. 

Late Sunday night, they called me and told me he had another seizure while in his cage so they stabilised him again and I went to visit him at midnight and sat with him cuddling him and reassuring him.

Monday came around and the specialist was in and she did an ultrasound and she hit me with the news that would take away my boy a few days later. I start crying a lot when I think about this part...

The specialist said he had pancreatic cancer and there was a massive tumour in his pancreas. His kidneys were also very small which indicated that his kidney disease may have progressed to their final stages. There was no treatment for the tumour and an operation to try and remove the tumour would most likely result in him never recovering due to his age and the advancement of the tumour. The specialist also said the tumour was most likely there for quite a while but it can’t be picked up with blood tests and unless a cat has an ultrasound you won’t see any symptoms until it becomes advanced. They also found an enormous amount of fluid in his abdomen which they believe was being caused by the tumour and explained his swollen abdomen.

The vet said he possibly only had a few weeks left and if I wanted to have him put to sleep. I said no, and she said he wasn’t in any kind of pain, but I think he was, cats are clever at hiding their pain and just getting on with it. I couldn’t stop crying and to be honest I still haven’t stopped crying since Monday. The vet said I could take him home and monitor his blood glucose and give him insulin accordingly and if he began to deteriorate or had another seizure I could bring him back. She saw no reason to keep him in and said he would be more likely to eat at home than the clinic and be more comfortable but to keep an eye on him constantly.

Julius was happy to be home on Monday afternoon but all his beautiful long shiny fur coat on his belly had been shaved off for the ultrasound and his beautiful paws had the fur shaved off as well for the IV drips and blood tests and checks they were doing. He just went to his favourite basket and went to sleep shortly after coming home. No interest in food but I thought it best to just let him rest from the two days of endless tests at the vets. They were waking him every two hours to do blood tests for a glucose curve which is something that is involved with diabetes to make sure the insulin dose is correct and since he was sick they needed to do a glucose curve.

Tuesday morning came and there was still no interest in food. Just a sniff and he would walk off to his basket. I think I knew then that I was starting to lose him. I made him as comfortable as possible, tried all his favourite food and he was still trying so hard to be his usual self but I could see there was something seriously not right… I know now that he was slipping away.

However, on Wednesday I woke up and saw his little fluffy tail in the doorway of my bedroom where he would sit and wait for me every morning just before 7am. He stopped sleeping on my bed about a year earlier so we had this game when he would sit in the doorway and I would have to lean around in bed to get his attention and he would see me, get excited and run up on the bed and I would get under the covers and he would jump on me frantically to get me out from under and I would pop out, grab him and we would both go under the covers and cuddle each other for a minute, then we’d both get out of bed and race downstairs and I’d get his breakfast and insulin ready. So when I saw his tail there on Wednesday I immediately got excited thinking he was better and ready for food so I gave him the look and he acknowledged me and I got under covers ready for his pounce and I heard a scratch on the sheets but then he wasn’t there. I looked out from under the covers and he was on the floor but I could tell he had that look on his face that he tried to jump up and didn’t make it. So I got up worried and noticed he wasn’t walking properly on his back legs and obviously couldn’t jump. I carried him downstairs and prepared his food but he didn’t eat any of it and just went to his basket. He was trying so hard to continue his little daily routine but just couldn’t. I tested his blood and his glucose was ok. I spent all day Wednesday with him and while he was getting up to drink a bit he wasn’t eating and would just struggle to walk or sit up. He had a water fountain and I could see he wasn’t even able to sit properly and drink from it, the back of his body was leaning to one side like his abdomen was in pain. 

What was I to do? The vet saying he had a few short weeks was turning into a few short days. I knew if I took him back to the vets they would suggest again to have him put to sleep, he was not getting better in fact he was getting worse. His abdomen seemed larger as well but I couldn’t tell if that was because he had started losing weight or the fluid build up was getting worse. Plus there was still no eating.

That night I could honestly feel that he was going to slip away soon so I got up every few hours to check he was still breathing and he was comfortable as there was no way I could sleep, I was so upset and in such turmoil.

Thursday morning he was in a really bad way. No movement when I went downstairs but a little head raise from his basket to say good morning then back to sleep. No interest in food obviously and after sitting with him for a while he got up and his back legs and abdomen were in such a bad way. No meowing that he was in pain but I could see he was hurting and wasting away. I could feel all this spine bones in his back. His body weight was down to half as he had pretty much stopped eating about a week and a half earlier. His breathing was also very heavy and laboured.

I called my home visit vet and they said given the results from the emergency vet its likely he is getting worse and it may be better to have him put to sleep before the real pain from the cancer sets in. He was struggling so hard, so hard to stay with me and I began to feel so selfish for trying to keep him alive. For hours I cried into his fur and spoke with him and made the decision that I would need to help him the only way I knew how. My home visit vet made an appointment to come on Saturday to put him to sleep, but as the day progressed I could see he wanted to go and leave me after almost 18 years. He had also stopped drinking water at this stage. I was home 24 hours a day since that Monday and he would drink from that fountain every few hours, again due to diabetes, but nothing anymore. He was becoming dehydrated in a bad way and had no strength left.

I had to get a different home visit vet to come as mine could not make the next day on the Friday but the new vet she said she could be at my place at 8am Friday morning to put him to sleep.

I cried and cried I couldn’t stop the pain I was feeling and the pain I thought he was in. I laid on my lounge and drifted off to sleep about 9pm and woke about 11pm and he must have gotten out of his basket and he was laying near his water fountain just looking at me. I went to bed knowing when the sun rose the next day I would be losing him. 

Just after 2am in the morning I turned over in bed and he was right by my side. I don’t know how he managed to climb the stairs and find the strength to jump up on the bed but I was so happy. And considering he didn’t sleep on my bed for the last year or so it was such a surprise. I held him so tight, as tight as I could without hurting him and I laid awake from 2am onwards talking to him and crying. He was ready to go. I could see it in his eyes he would look at me as if to say, "I have to go I’m sorry”. Those hours from 2am to 8am the next morning while holding him, I went from talking to him about the adventures we had together over the years to crying into his fur asking him to please visit me in my dreams and I asked if I was making the right decision to let him go and I could see his eyes were saying, "I have to". He was just so ill there was nothing more I could do. He could no longer barely move but somehow he found the strength to climb the stairs and hop into bed with me that final night. He barely moved an inch the whole time I held him.

The vet arrived at 8am, and I had no visitors to my place since he got home from the vet on Monday, but when someone walked through the front door he would always come downstairs to investigate. But of course he didn’t come bouncing down this time. While in tears, the vet explained what was going to happen and this new vet also looked at Julius’ vet report and adamantly told me in her professional opinion that given his diagnoses I was making the right decision to do this. That was 3 vets who told me there was nothing that could be done except put him to sleep. Didn’t make it any easier. Made it harder actually, knowing I couldn’t help him.

I went upstairs and got Julius as he was still on the bed, hardly moving. I bought him down and there was no reaction to the vet and her assistant in the room. Normally his eyes would spark up and go wide-eyed if there was a stranger in the room but there was nothing. I placed him gently on a soft towel I had put on the lounge and his back legs couldn’t even support his body anymore he just went and laid down. I told the vet I wanted to leave the room during the procedure and naturally she said that was ok. I was balling my eyes out, the tears were falling off my face onto his fur and the vet got ready to give Julius the first sedation but I couldn’t leave the room. I had to be here for his last moments, I had to hold his paw and stroke his head and tell him I loved him however painful it was going to be for me to see him go, I had to do that for him and for myself. I went around to face him and he was looking at me very sleepy and sedated and I just told him how much I loved him and the vet said the sedation had now taken full effect.

This next part is difficult to type… I am reliving it in my head every few minutes the last 24 hours…

The vet said she was about to give him the overdose of aesthetic and I saw her start to slowly inject it into my little boys leg, and I could see the bruises on his little shaved leg from the IV and all the tests he had while at the vets. Julius was just looking at me, looking into my eyes while I was talking to him, then I saw his eyes slowly glaze over and then they went vacant and I knew he was gone. He was just gone! No pain. Just gone. The vet covered his eyes up and I cried and hugged his dead body and told him I loved him. I got up to leave the room then turned and looked at him again and called this name and ran back and tried to pick him up but his body was just limp, there was no life left and I had to leave the room as I was hysterical. The vet checked on me and left quietly with his body and I haven’t stopped weeping since.

The pain is so enormous in my heart and it only seems to be getting worse. I have lived alone for the entire 18 years I had him and he was my constant companion and made me laugh every single day we were together. Having diabetes only strengthened our bond even closer.

I just keep going through so many different emotions. I can get anger, grief, depression and denial all in the same hour. Everywhere I look I think of him and cry. I look at his washed bowls on the basin counter and cry. He had his own bedroom and bathroom for his litter and I can barely walk past the doorway before I cry. I see his basket and the tears start. I call his name and nothing. There’s an emptiness and void that I can feel in the air in my house and I can feel my heart is broken. 

Will this pain ever stop?

One part of me wants to pack a bag and go away from all the memories but another part is telling me to stay home and remember him. The tears don’t seem to stop. The hurt keeps getting worse.

And I worry about him even now he’s gone. I’m worried he’s not getting his insulin. I’m worried he's not getting food. Its almost like my mind is telling me he’s not dead he’s just away and I worry for him.

There’s a deathly silence in my home. And today there is a horrible wind outside which is making sounds in the house and every sound I feel like its him. I keep expecting to see him bounding down the stairs at any moment. 

I don’t have any, 'what ifs’. There was nothing more I could have done to help him. The only thing I could have done was let him live a few days longer with an inoperable cancerous tumour, end stage kidney disease and fluid build up in his abdomen making him feel worse. How selfish would I be? However, that doesn’t make the pain of losing him any easier.

And the reason I told you guys the story about my dad passing away on the same day Julius was diagnosed with diabetes is because I felt like there was a connection with my dad because the two things happened on the same day. Every single day, twice a day, at 7am and 7pm when I did Julius’ insulin injections for over 3 and a half years, I would think about my dad every time. I felt like the day my dad passed away that he would watch over Julius while he had diabetes and protect him, but now they are both gone.

Its just so hard. It hurts so much, I feel like I could die from a broken heart. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t even brush my teeth. I just cry and stare into space hoping he will reappear. Everything that made life so precious and fun every day is now gone.

I get angry that these diseases and conditions exist and can’t be cured. I get upset that people and pets we love are ripped away from us and we are left behind to pick up the pieces the best we can. Why can’t we have our pets forever? Life is not fair.

I have friends who have their own kitties and also had cats pass away and they are trying to help me with this but what can they say? There’s no magic words anyone can say to make the pain disappear.

I just want to know when the pain will stop? Will it ever get easier because right now it feels like its getting worse?? 

I miss Julius’ presence. I miss him bugging me for food every few hours. I missed him pouncing on me this morning. I miss the smell of his fur which I always told him was my most favorite smell in the world. I miss hearing his little feet on the wooden floor. And hearing him scoffing down his food with excitement. And watching him lick his fur after a yummy meal. I’m gonna miss him ripping my lounge. Grooming my hair. Smelling his cat breath. Giving him a brush. Hearing him drink from his water fountain. I miss his expressions. His silly behaviour. And how will I make my bed without his help by jumping under the sheets and running around. I can no longer hug him when I'm upset. Or hold him up to the mirror, showing him his reflection and saying, ’thats you Julius’... I miss everything about him and will miss every little daily thing we did together. All these little things they do to make us smile for years and then it all stops one day. All of it.

How do we get over the loss of our pet? Can anymore give a simple answer?

If anyone has read to the end of this, thank you. And thank you for reading about Julius and his story. He would have loved to meet each of your kitties and said hi. 

And I just wanted to share my story of loss after reading everyone else’s so I don’t feel so alone. I just can’t understand those people that lose someone or a kitty and just get on with life the next day like everything is fine. Some people just don’t get over things so easily. Especially the loss of a cat who was a constant companion and gave support. Julius gave me so much structure to my days and weeks with his insulin injections and meals. He gave me purpose each morning I woke up and now that purpose is gone. I am still having many moments of denial that he is just having a snooze upstairs or in his basket but then reality hits soon afterwards and the tears start.

Writing this down has been helpful in a way. I want my Julius to be remembered forever and in those final hours I had with him I cried on his fur and told him that I would remember him every day and I will never forget him and he will be loved till the day I die.

I hope I will come to be able to accept he has passed away? But right now that seems impossible. I just miss him so incredibly much. It hurts so much. I can feel it in my heart, the pain, its there constantly. Does each day get better? Or is there worse to come?? Julius will be my last cat and pet, its too much on the heart and I can’t bear to go through this amount of pain ever again, if I survive this...

[KayC]

There is nothing like the pain of grief.  I am so sorry for your loss.  My life has been filled with losses and I know all too well the pain of grief.  It is something I have had to come to live with, especially these last 13 years after losing my husband and so many pets, my mom, my sister, friends...

Somehow we get through this, one day at a time.  We think our hearts are going to explode with the pain, yet still we live on.  I don't need to tell you what a wonderful mom you were to your cat, you already know that.  But I hope you find some form of consolation in knowing that.  You had a two way relationship with Julius, and you both benefited from the mutual love.  You shared in good times and bad, you were there for each other.  Learning how to do it solo is quite an adjustment.  You ask if worse is yet to come...I don't personally think anything could be worse than the initial pain and shock of losing them.  Our shock can somewhat protect us initially, but you don't get that shock so much when you know they're going to die, because you've had some anticipatory grief so you're slowly going through this whereas if it's a sudden death the shock sets in and yes, coming out of the shock and into full realization can make it seem worse.  You've had to deal with your dad and Julius at the same time, and that is hard.

I think about his making his way up to your bed, as if by a miracle, and I think that was a special blessing granted to the two of you that one last time.

How do we get over the loss of our pet?  I don't know.  I've lost so many, each one dearly loved.  My Kitty is 23 and I know I don't have a long time left with her, this last years especially I've seen her aging.  Arlie, my dog, I'm closer to him than any pet I've ever had and that says a lot because I've always loved my pets, and I have no idea how I'm going to survive his loss when it comes...he is ten (his breed lives 9-12 years) and has acute chronic colitis, he can't tolerate even the gastrointestinal dogfood the vet sells, so I cook for him.  I'm hoping we have 2-4 years left together but who knows.  I can't imagine life without him, but I know having survived the death of my sweet husband that I will somehow survive this too when the time comes.  There is no escaping the pain, no circumventing grief.  No way to avoid it, not through alcohol or sleep or frantic lifestyle.  At the end of the day it's still there waiting for you to deal with it.

I do know that the intensity does not stay the same.  In time you get more used to it, it's just our body's way of surviving, I don't know how, it just does.  It doesn't mean you love them less, I do know that.  The missing them goes on, but you learn to live with it.  I have learned to coexist with my grief.  It may be a while, but give yourself permission to smile without guilt.  It is not how much we cry or feel bad that is a measure of how much we love them.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love, and that continues.

There are a lot of articles on pet loss listed here, I hope some of them are of help to you and at the very least you do not feel alone in your feelings.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/pet-loss-articles.html

 

[AJWCat]

Hello, first I am so sorry for your loss of sweet Julius. We know that no one, pets included, lives forever but when the time finally comes, it is so hard. I lost my cat (who we had for about 10 years) and it was the hardest loss I've had. It was sudden and awful. It was 9 months ago today actually and reading your story brought tears to my eyes. I have survived the loss but there is a crack in my heart forever.   

I know it is of little comfort, but Julius was at home and with you and went so peacefully and fast. There are so many of us who which we'd had such an end for ours.  

I promise it will get better but you had a tremendous bond with Julius and he was a major part of each and every day. That has changed. So you need to be patient. It takes time to settle into this new reality.   This will be a bit of roller coaster. I was a zombie for days. I then got a little better and then would completely breakdown. There is no easy way around, you simply go through it. The emotions: guilt, denial, disbelief, anger... they all come and go.

I wish I could say more to ease the pain. I know how much you loved him and you gave him a wonderful life. I hope you can hold onto that and try to remember all the many happy days and funny things he did to give you some comfort.    

[MyMocha]

@MyJulius, I am so sorry to read your story as it is just so similar feeling to mine it seems.   Having so many years and such a bond with a companion is really amazing but so very difficult to accept when we have to let them go.  It has been since January since I lost mine and it still hurts and I still greatly miss her (I don't really expect that to ever fully go away).  I honestly didn't think I would stop crying and if I focus on my days with her - even now - I will shed many tears.  You do adjust...the tears do slow...but only with time it seems.  The people here got me through all of those raw days in regards to being offered comfort from those who do truly understand how hard it can be and how long the grief can last.  This is where I came to have a place to feel her and talk about her and talk through all of the many phases that come and go when you decide to end a loved ones suffering.  Making that decision brings on so many unexpected feelings - it did for me anyway.  We know we can't undo or change the outcome of what has already happened, we just have to find a way to get through each day in their absence. You gave each other so many wonderful years and even though no amount of time is enough you do have beautiful memories together. I can relate to how it felt to really seal that bond with your kitty after the diabetes diagnosis...same thing happened with me and mine.  She needed me every day without hesitation and I scheduled my whole day and life around what she needed and when - for years.  I know my post is all over the place...still hard to find the right words and your story is not too different.  My kitty had CKD and diabetes and seizures and on and on.  I do understand the sacrifices you gladly made over the last few years of time with Julius and how hard it is to adjust to all of that need and care just coming to an end.  It does hurt.  Hugs sent your way.  There just isn't any magical sentence to make it better really.  Your not alone is the best I can provide.

[MyJulius]

KayC - so many comforting words in your message but when I read that you wrote, "I think about his making his way up to your bed, as if by a miracle, and I think that was a special blessing granted to the two of you that one last time." ... it made me cry a lot as I didn't think of it in that way, but it truly was a miracle because I even remember the night prior that happening how I left Julius to sleep in his basket downstairs and when I went to bed, I remember just wishing with all my heart that Julius would come and sleep on my bed again so I could be right next to him and hold him and then the following night that's exactly what happened - a small miracle.

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your husband and your many pets. And I can imagine that the grief is different for each one in different ways. I feel like I am grieving just as much, if not more, than I grieved for my father, but the type of grief feels different. And I think the healing from that grief is going to be different as well. I feel like all of us on here who have lost a soul have been in the darkest place possible but we are still here, everyday for those that are still with us and need us. After reading your story and everyone else's story, it amazes me how almost all of us, despite the overwhelming grief we have been through, and we continue to go through, we wake up everyday and put one foot in front of the other the best we can to get on with life. We don't have a choice, we need to keep going, otherwise once we give up we start to die ourselves I think...

Its lovely people like yourself, and the many others who have been through similar grief, who can now have the strength to share your stories with others that help those that are 'freshly' grieving to get through it. I don't think someone can understand anyone else's pain unless they have experienced it themselves. It hurts so much when a beautiful soul is taken away from us but I like to think they aren't 'really' taken away. Sometimes life has to get really dark, so we can see the good in life and appreciate the things we don't appreciate enough. It takes a lot of courage to carry on when life gets really hard.

My dear Julius will be cremated today and his ashes will be bought back in a wooden chest and I am getting 3 pieces of jewelry made up with a tiny amount of his ashes so I can wear him around my neck, he will be with me every where, every day, every second.

I am still struggling immensely each day but I have moments like now when I get keep it together and respond to amazingly strong people like yourself. This message board has bought so much comfort and to help make me realize I am not alone. Strength comes from all sorts of places, you just need to know where to look.

 

[MyJulius]

AJWCat - thank you for your reply and I read the story about your cat Courage as well. I am sure Courage was a beautiful, treasured cat. They come into our lives and become so precious to us that the thought of ever losing them is unbearable and when that does happen, the guilt and grief can be overwhelming like a dark cloud over us that won't go away.

I hope that some of the guilt you have has started to pass now. Guilt is one of the most painful emotions we go through when we lose a soul as we want answers that may never be answered.

I read that you said that Courage was losing weight and not feeling well. I am not sure the exact circumstances that led up to the 2 hours that Courage passed away.  But please, if it can be of any comfort to you, let me tell you something that I read somewhere which a vet said and may apply to you since you suspected Courage might have been ill. When cats get sick with an illness that's easily treated like the flu, or rotting teeth, or even a poisoning, they will show a lot of symptoms to you for a while. However if they have a serious incurable illness such as cancer or tumours, cats are masters at hiding the pain and how sick they truly are. They can hide it for months. My vet said it's likely Julius had pancreatic cancer for over a year, yet he never showed any signs of it, and unless there was a reason for me to take Julius in to be sedated, shaved and have a complete ultrasound, there was no way of me knowing. And even if I did take my Julius in for an ultrasound, and they found the cancer early, there is no cure for pancreatic cancer, so in a way I'm glad I didn't know otherwise I would have had to live with the thought daily for a year that he had cancer and would die soon. The reason I'm saying this is because it is possible, given you said he was actually acting ill, that he may have had a serious illness as you suspected, it could have been total organ shutdown from an illness, there was absolutely no way that you could have known if he was very seriously ill, they hide it from us so well until the last moments when we are helpless to do anything. I have read it over and over again, on here and other places, its a common theme that people had no real warning their cat was sick and it all happened so fast. These cats are clever, they hide it, they don't show or can even tell us they are really sick until the last hours or days.

So please remember that it is possible that it was something out of your control. Like so many illness that happen to our beloved cats, it is out of our control.

The vet said Courage may have had organohosphate poisoning and as unpleasant as it is to think of it, was the vet 100% sure that's what it was? Without a shadow of a doubt 100%? Or is it possible he had some other illness Courage was hiding from you?? Its awful, so awful to realize that 99% of the time a serious illness will bring our cats time to an end fast without any warning. I had not much warning about Julius' cancer from when he was diagnosed, to 5 days later he was gone.

I don't think it would have been the Raid spray that you sprayed around the place. I use to spray the exact same brand, Raid, right in front of Julius's basket, because I would get ants come in from under the front door and Julius use to love sleeping right at the front door. I sprayed a surface spray weekly and often Julius would roll around in those areas outside then he would lick his fur later on and it never harmed him or made him sick. Those sprays are generally made safe to be used around our pets. It could very well have been an undetected illness you had no idea about or could have even helped him with as was the instance with Julius.

But please don't beat yourself up with any 'what ifs' about what you could or might have done. That phrase 'WHAT IF' is truly one of the most awful phrases we question ourselves with when we lose a soul, you hold onto those WHAT IFS long enough, they can eat a hole right into your heart and stop you from giving so much love to other people and pets. I know you want answers. I know you want to understand why Courage died, we all want so many answers to questions about why souls that we love are taken from us. And I know you were angry as well, I read that, I was so angry the first few days and still a little bit angry today, buy neither you nor I, or anyone can let that anger consume us, otherwise what's in our heart is what we will become. And no healing can ever begin unless we start to forgive ourselves first.

Bad, awful things happen to us in this world, and we sometimes aren't given the answers that we would like to have. But we are always given the time to be with people and other pets we love before its too late and they pass on as well. Remember how much you loved Courage, all the love Courage shared and gave to you and how you gave it back. Never forget that.

I am in constant tears at losing my Julius, it has only been a few days, even now my eyes are watered up and my screen is blurry the tears aren't going to stop for me anytime soon, and I really just want to know he is ok. And I may be losing my mind from grief and lack of food but I have gone so far as to even look for animal psychics online and I have found one. As sceptical as I am about psychics I love my Julius so much I really just want to know he went on somewhere, anywhere, and he is ok. Once I collect myself together as ridiculous as my family and friends think the idea is, I am going to contact this psychic and ask her about Julius, when I am finally able to pull myself together and actually leave my home. Whether you believe in psychics or not, perhaps you could think about the idea of contacting a pet psychic and perhaps get another chance to hear from Courage.

I'm sceptical of psychics but I do believe there is something more when we pass on, I don't believe we pass away and that's it, there has to be more. And I know it hurts so much when a precious soul like your Courage and my Julius are taken from us, but I like to think they aren't 'really' taken away, they are always with us in some form, whether its a memory of them, or we see something that reminds us of them, I believe that's just them letting us know they are nearby. Your cat Courage is never far away. A part of him will live in you for eternity, and there's a part of you inside him... right now... today.

I haven't been able to leave home since Julius passed away, I am trying to find the strength to get to the front door where Julius spent so much time, and walk out the door. I am taking baby steps, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, one memory at a time. I have moments of composure, and I think that may come from a bit of denial and still not fully accepting Julius is gone. Then I have times where I just breakdown and feel like my heart can take no more and is going to break, but I know I have to go through all this pain and grief in order to one day carry on. I can't put a wall up and block out the tears, I need to do this grieving as painful as it is. I think grief is a powerful, healing, necessary thing which unfortunately brings on a lot of different emotions. I know its something I will go through for a long time, but grief is not something I plan to HOLD onto.

[MyJulius]

MyMocha - I read your story on Mocha several times. First of all what an amazing, loving person you must have been to have had Mocha for 22.5 years, an amazing age for such a stunning looking cat. That in itself shows what a wonderful life you gave to Mocha. She was a beautiful cat. So striking. 

One thing I want to point out to you, before I talk about Mocha, and this goes to anyone who reads this and has lost a cat, but almost everyone on here is forgetting what incredible, compassionate people each and every one of you were to have taken a cat on board and given him or her such a wonderful home filled with love, plenty of food and so much affection right up until their last day with you. Please don’t underestimate the strength its taken you and everyone to soldier on through our cats illnesses. Come hell or high water we fought for them every day, in every possible way, and gave them so much love right up until their last minutes. Never forget that!

In regards to Mocha it’s so easy to talk to yourself and bring yourself down for that one decision that you made, but you seem to be forgetting about all the amazing, positive, wonderful decisions that you made, by first choosing Mocha and then all the decisions you made caring for her over the next 22.5 years. I don’t need to tell you about the cats that never make it to a loving home like yours. Cats that are treated badly and abused. Cats that never had a chance in life. Cats that never had an owner that was willing to give them medication to keep them healthy like you did for so many years. Please remember all the RIGHT, loving decisions you made for her, and never once did you give up. Never. You fought for her and from what I have read she truly was one of the most blessed cats to have had you as an owner. Many would have given up at the first sign of sickness but you didn’t. And you certainly don’t have anything to have regret about. You made 22.5 years of RIGHT, GOOD, SMART decisions. Please remember that.

And most importantly, bear in mind that 22.5 years is just over 8,212 days of good choices you made for her. Be proud of how much life you gave her when many others would have given up so much sooner.

I can also relate so much of what you went through with Mocha including the diabetes and the seizures. My Julius suffered from a condition called audiogenic reflex seizures. There were certain high frequency sounds that would trigger a seizure in Julius, normally the sound of house keys being shaken, coins, tin foil, cupboard doors closing, those sort of sounds. So I had to be very cautious with noises to try and not trigger off a seizure as the vet said that each seizure causes permanent brain damage. Julius’ diabetes I didn’t mind managing every day as it bought us closer together and we made it into a game. He was my everything.

Having read through your story, I don’t think myself or many other people would have done it differently. Its easy to say, ‘you did the right thing’, but in your case I am almost certain you have nothing to feel guilty about. I even suspect if you said to the vet you needed a few days to think about it, you would most likely have come to the exact same decision.

And as I mentioned to AJWCat above, our cats are so clever at disguising their serious illnesses from us that everything always happens so fast when its close to the end, because we don’t realize they are seriously ill until those last moments. So many cat owners have had similar experiences when their beloved cat has passed on, it happens all in a blur and we are often left with questions afterwards.

The vet said there were a number of conditions going on with Mocha, it wasn’t just one, it was multiple issues, her kidneys, her diabetes were high, creatinine was high and in particular that new kidney test SDMA was off the chart high. The kidneys is a serious one. Julius had kidney disease so I knew his kidneys were on the way out but my vet said that eventually they will give in and nothing can be done at that stage and it can be extremely painful to allow a cat to continue if their kidneys are almost gone. I didn’t want to believe that but it was in fact true once I researched it, so I always thought my Julius would pass away from kidney disease, however in the end he had pancreatic cancer PLUS end stage kidney disease. My boy had no hope towards the end.

The growling is something I had with Julius on his last days as well. He never growled once in all his years, at first I wasn’t sure I heard right, but when he did it a number of times I knew he was in pain. He would growl when I tried to pick him up, not typical of his behaviour at the time but possibly one way they try and tell us they are not well and want to be left alone. 

Mocha was hiding a lot as well and we all know that that behaviour in the wild is indicative of an animal wanting to hide away so they can pass away. 

Please grab all the pieces of information together and realize you did the right thing. And also think about the alternative if you did bring Mocha home to try and nurse her back to health, can you imagine if she passed away in a terrible manner while you were asleep? Then you would have had a terrible time forgiving yourself for making her last hours so painful.

Decisions like you had to make are never easy, but often they are right. Your first decision when faced with something like this is usually your instinct choosing the right answer. Hindsight can be a cruel thing, and we often doubt ourselves when it comes to painful decisions we had to make, and that’s ok, its good to process the decision in your mind but I have no doubts you made the right one. 

It takes a very brave and strong person to put their pet first and to let them go before the worst of their suffering starts. Mocha had a long and happy life thanks to you. I think you are a hero for all you did for her. Sometimes the best thing to do is the hardest thing we have to do and of course that brings about questions you want answered. It is a major life-changing decision that we make when we choose to put our pet to sleep so its natural to have doubts.

I read one heartbreaking story from someone who was told by their vet the best thing was to have their cat put down, but they decided against it and took her home. The next day they found their cat had passed away at home and when they took her to the vet for answers, the vet said she had suffocated from fluid in her lungs which was a very painful, slow way to die over several hours. Imagine? It all comes down to that one sentence we are all familiar with; Better a day early than a day late.

There’s a little exercise I did in my head about Julius. Although I know I made the right decision for Julius, naturally in my grief and tears I have had some doubts and perhaps the exercise might work for you as well. Play it out in your head if you decided to bring Mocha home instead of having her put to sleep that day. Just play it out and see where your thoughts take you. Try and think if you were simply going to prolong her pain and quality of life? Try and think how it would be for her to decline further? How she may have wanted to just find a place to hide so you don’t see her suffer and pass away? If the vet had some medication and treatments for you to take home, would you want to have seen Mocha suffer from the side effects of such strong medications to help with her kidneys despite the vet saying her kidneys were gone? Would prolonged pain for Mocha be worth a few more painful weeks or days? Would you have ever forgiven yourself if she was in agony back at home? Try and see what thoughts you come up with. The part I think you should think about is not whether it was too soon, but rather if you waited and it was too late.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, MyJulius said:

I feel like I am grieving just as much, if not more, than I grieved for my father, but the type of grief feels different. And I think the healing from that grief is going to be different as well.

You are so right!  I would never minimize any loss, but the loss of a pet can be one of the greatest as they are in our everyday lives, we interact so much, their love seems so unconditional, they're so loving, so forgiving, the bond is incredible!  I lost my father when I was just 29, we didn't live in the same town, so it wasn't the same.  I will always miss him though and wish he could have been around when I was raising my kids, he missed all that.

I know that no two losses are the same, but we can learn some things from going through this that can aid us in future losses.  The older I get, the more losses I've suffered, and the more grief I carry inside my heart, I truly have learned to coexist with my grief.  But I've also learned a lot from this journey and there have been positive benefits from what I've learned.  Not that we all wouldn't trade everything gleaned to have the ones we love back with us!  But one day we will do just that when we're all in that "next place".

[MyJulius]

KayC - I truly believe in that ‘next place’ that you mention. There has to be more when we pass away, we can’t just go and that’s it. I do believe those that we love that have passed can see us and guide us. Whether that’s true or not, it gives me comfort and strength in times such as these. 

It’s been a few days now since I lost Julius and it almost feels like the grief shifts gears sometimes. Instead of constant non-stop tears its little ‘triggers’ that set me off. And I find the mornings are the worst. Julius is not there to wake me up, no one pouncing on my stomach for his food and insulin, and despite knowing the truth I still wake up and have to look for him just in case it’s all been some kind of cruel joke or nightmare. I can't bring myself to look at certain areas in my home or move any of his items. Packing away his stuff would be too raw for me and truly make it a reality, so everything is just how it was when he was last here.

I managed to get myself out of the house today, because I thought it would help but it really just made things a whole lot worse, and walking back through the front door was horrific knowing I was walking into an empty home. So many tears.

No one ever teaches us how to deal with loss. We spend years at school learning so much, but never how to handle grief or what to do when we are faced with the loss of someone we love, whether its a pet or a person.

If it were not for this forum and communicating with kind people like yourself, I am sure I would have died of a broken heart by now. When we lose someone who was closest to us it can almost feel like we are dealing with it on our own. Well meaning friends and family can say what they need to say but meeting other non-judgemental people who have gone through similar pain makes ALL the difference.

When I lost my father I had the support of 4 brothers who had also lost him so there was a constant network of people around understanding the pain and we could lean on each other. Sometimes I feel like people minimise the loss of a pet, but those are mainly people who have only ever lived for themselves and never shared many happy years nurturing and caring for a pet.

And after reading everyones stories about losing their pet, I feel like vets need to be more trained in dealing with people when they suggest its best for a pet to be put to sleep. Vets should be trained to explain that its natural to have doubts and that guilt is often associated with the procedure after a pet is put to sleep. People should be given options and not just faced with having to make a choice on the spot. In 99% of cases the vet is most likely correct but they should tell people to take a few hours, even a few days, to consider the decision and process the idea that their pet really is terminally ill, and just because there is veterinary medication that ‘might' help, it doesn’t necessarily mean its going to save their pet from ongoing, agonising pain and eventually an extremely painful death.

Vets are immune to putting animals to sleep, it doesn’t mean anything to them as its ‘part of the job’ and they emotionally detach, just as doctors do with patients. They don’t become emotionally invested in each and every case which is why they can suggest so quickly that a pet should be put to sleep.

They really need to reinforce that unless its an extreme, clear-cut case, people absolutely need to take several hours or days to consider the decision. I am not sure if everyone else signed a declaration from their vet stating they agree to have their pet put down as I did, but on that declaration we should have to sign off on a clause that says, ‘I have given myself at least 24 hours and I agree to euthanize my pet and agree it is my best decision’.

It just doesn’t seem right for people to be faced with such a major life decision that they carry with them for life, if they don’t have adequate time to think about it. And I think a lot of people are not thinking rationally when faced with that dilemma and generally trust vets with all their college education and experience and that they, ‘know best’, so people trust them and then regret their decision later.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, MyJulius said:

Sometimes I feel like people minimise the loss of a pet, but those are mainly people who have only ever lived for themselves and never shared many happy years nurturing and caring for a pet.

You are so right, that's why it's sometimes called disenfranchised grief.  Try not to be affected by them, they can't get what they don't understand, they haven't been through the loving relationship with a pet so can't possibly understand the loss.  

Sometimes one doesn't have 24 hours to decide, like in a case of a car accident with extreme injury and suffering.  We have to know we'll do what is best for our pet no matter what situation presents...our feelings take back seat to their well-being.  Euthanasia can be a very self-less act of love.  I hear what you're saying though, there's good vets and bad ones, I've dealt with both.  Honestly, I think vet school needs to include more about animal behavior and understanding animals, I run into too many vets who have no clue about animal behavior.  

Most doctors are not trained in grief so it's no wonder to me that vets can be clueless about it as well.  Most of our society is.  And so many people seeking a grief counselor are surprised that the so called grief counselor gives "off" information...that's because anyone can call themselves one but that doesn't mean they are one...there's all kinds of therapist, counselors, psychologists, but a professional grief counselor should have a degree in Thanatology and at least studied grief extensively.  I have had more first hand knowledge than most everyday counselors because of my experiences with death and because my mentor is Marty Tousley, https://www.linkedin.com/in/martytousley I've read her articles and posts and blogs for nearly 13 years now, plus all of the related articles by others associated with grief.  Oh that anyone hanging a placard on a wall would have at least that training and information, and it really does make a difference if they have experienced it firsthand.  I had a pastor once that was nearing 60 and lost his father (his first loss).  He was hit hard with it, and I remember him commenting later that NOW he understood grief, he never had before, all of the people he'd counseled with, he hadn't had a clue.

[AJWCat]

Hi @MyJulius, Thanks for the very thoughtful reply and reading my journey. I am sure you can see I know what you are going through! I absolutely felt my heart was broken. I say now it is still "cracked" (healed but not entirely) b/c after losing him, it can never be perfect again. Weirdly, it was not the same with my other two cats. I was terribly sad, but not like w/ him.

Two interesting things... one, we were at an emergency vet and that was his opinion. He was convinced but we did not do an autopsy so, no, it is not 100%. I know he was not super healthy. I did actually consult w/ a pet psychic who spoke w/ Courage and it was very helpful. He claimed Courage did not ingest or eat anything bad and that he does not know what happened! 

I am at peace now with the guilt and the anger I had for so long. It took a while. I try not to think of that last night with him, or I can get into a dark place easily. I appreciate all you said in your post. I know it does not feel you can survive this, you will. Mornings were tough for me too. So many wonderful little things all day that go away.         

[KayC]

20 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I am at peace now with the guilt and the anger I had for so long. It took a while. I try not to think of that last night with him, or I can get into a dark place easily. I appreciate all you said in your post. I know it does not feel you can survive this, you will.

This says so much.

[MyJulius]

On 5/15/2018 at 10:42 PM, KayC said:

I had a pastor once that was nearing 60 and lost his father (his first loss).  He was hit hard with it, and I remember him commenting later that NOW he understood grief, he never had before, all of the people he'd counseled with, he hadn't had a clue.

KAYC - This is very true. My father was the first death of someone very close to me and I never understood what people were going through until I, unfortunately, had to experience it for myself. After my dad passed away I had one friend who told me I should NOT be sad, I should NOT be crying, and I had to throw myself back into work, get out with friends, stay busy and just simply get on with life... but of course this friend was very young and had never lost anyone before. I don't think anyone should throw themselves back into work, or drink or try to cover up the pain, I think its important to grieve, its healing, as painful as it is. If someone tries to block their grief, it comes out in other ways, usually anger, until the person finally breaks down and allows themselves to grief.

This morning was a bad one for me. Nothing really triggered me off, I just woke up and as soon as I got out of bed and went downstairs the tears begun to pour out. Perhaps reality is truly beginning to set in as its coming up to one week that Julius was put to sleep. His ashes are being returned today and I thought that might be comforting but now I am starting to think it's going to hurt realizing that's all I have left of him now.

And I agree with you about good vets and bad vets. I also have had my share of bad vets whom, as you said, were 'clueless'. Its like they have never handled an animal before. I replay in my head every word, and every sentence, since the Saturday when Julius went into emergency until the time he was put down, and I think I was blessed to have a kind, compassionate vet who explained things clearly to me and gave me time to think and process what was going on.

When I was at school we use to have 'work experience', where we would go to work for a week somewhere we wanted to work as an adult. I actually wanted to become a vet so I went to work at my local vet clinic for a week. I was so eager to learn all I could. One day during that week, we had to put a dog to sleep due to illness and I refused to hold the dog while the vet administered the medicine and someone else ended up holding the dog. The sadness I felt when that dog was put to sleep was so overwhelming that right at that moment I realized I could never in my life be able to put an animal to sleep and I soon gave up that dream of being a vet. It wasn't for me. And even now I know I made the right decision.

You have suffered many losses, and I miss my dad and Julius both so very much, but in the end none of them felt unloved when they passed away, we loved them, and I think that's what matters, that means a lot. They were never alone... they had us!

[MyJulius]

On 5/16/2018 at 3:06 AM, AJWCat said:

I try not to think of that last night with him, or I can get into a dark place easily. I appreciate all you said in your post. I know it does not feel you can survive this, you will. 

This dark place is where I seem to be most of the time. Like a dark cloud that follows me where ever I go. There are moments when I am sure I am going crazy, believing he is still here, and it takes a few seconds to remember that he isn't. Its such an awful, sad feeling which feels like it's never going to go away. Loss is so difficult, whether it's a person or a pet, just so difficult. I wish there was a way to magically make the pain go away but I think only time can make that happen.

I really felt so alone that first morning he was put down, and I can't even remember when or how I managed to find this forum, its all a blur, but I am glad I did, it is helping. Also, writing down my story about Julius was such a big help, to have shared what happened, and had non-judgemental people read it as well.

It's so hard to explain to someone that feeling of loss in your heart. Its like a dull ache and you can literally feel that your heart is breaking. The mornings are still the worst for me, when that dull ache sets in and stays for the whole day. Trying to get out and about doesn't help either, I sort of walk around in a daze thinking all I want to do is come home. 

The hysteria and non-stop uncontrollable crying from the first days has subsided. Whether that means I am making baby steps to healing, I don't know...

[KayC]

11 hours ago, MyJulius said:

I think its important to grieve, its healing, as painful as it is.

You are so right.  I remember someone on a forum who had ran from their grief of their fiance for 20 years!  By this time they're married with children and suddenly they had to grieve.  It haunts you until you give in to it!  It will not let you loose!  I've also seen those that immersed themselves in drink.  Guess what, the grief was still waiting for them!

I am glad you had a good vet.  I've always had compassionate vets with euthanasia, but Lord I've had some horrible ones treating my Arlie!  I finally found a good one for him but I have to drive 60 miles away.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, it's the hardest thing in the world.  Trying to get out may not help right now but it may later when you've hit a different stage.  Right now there isn't much that helps except just getting through it.

[AJWCat]

It is all consuming at first. It's like no matter where you go or what you do... it's there in the back of your mind. At least it was for me. I couldn't allow myself to forget because if I did the pain of going "oh yeah..." was too great. We all cope a little differently but it is interesting to read your thoughts as it mirrors what I went though. 

[MyJulius]

On 5/18/2018 at 3:22 AM, AJWCat said:

It is all consuming at first. It's like no matter where you go or what you do... it's there in the back of your mind.

AJWCat - this is very true indeed. It feels like even when I try to go out and about, its like I am walking around in a daze and life is just happening around me and I am not a part of it. 

It's coming up to a week now that I lost Julius, and although the non-stop tears have stopped, its almost like a deeper sadness has set in. I am no longer in denial that he is gone, and as the truth now feels more real, his loss seems to have a deeper depth to it than it initially did, if that makes sense. 

I was thinking back last night how I even quit my 9 to 5 job so I could spend more time with him and take better care of his diabetes. We were penniless and even though there were some days his food cost more than mine for that day, I always made sure he was put first. I was lucky that I found a job that I could do from home, but now that he's gone its like my days are empty.

A friend suggested I could adopt another cat. And although I thought about it briefly, ultimately I know it wouldn't be fair to either myself, the new cat or Julius' memory. I would only be doing it to fill a void in my heart, and I know it would be purely for selfish reasons, so there's no way I could do that. And of course the thought of ever going through this loss again with another cat is unbearable. At the moment I feel like I have put a wall up around me to ensure this never happens again. Maybe one day in time, that may change.

[Fay]

I lost my darling Bobby on the 2nd of May. He was only eleven years old. It all happened in a short space of about three weeks. He suddenly stopped eating and drinking. Took him to the vets. The first one we saw said it was a intestinal infection. We were given some tablets and something to squirt in his mouth. We went back four days later and saw the owner of the practice. He found some lumps. Bobby stayed in overnight and some tests done. Bobby had cancer. I was told he didn’t have long.paul the vet said about Bobby that he was an exceptional cat, so affectionate and loving. He didn’t see many with his nature. Bobby was getting worse, I knew that had to ease his pain. It’s the last act of love that we can do for them. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. In ending their suffering we create ours. Bobby was buried in the back garden, he loved it there in the summer. I have never known such grief. I can’t stop crying. I thought he would live to about fifteen, or hoped that he would. I do know that he loved me as much as I loved him. He was my baby. We can’t bypass the pain we have to go through it. 

[Lisalew]

I am so sorry you lost your precious, precious boy.  I lost my nearly 17 yo Saturn on Mother's Day.  Lymphoma that we only became aware of May 1st with dx on the 8th.  She was an incredible animal. So vocal and with such eye contact.  Only had one other even similar to her out of all the cats I have shared my life with. My 23 yo son had her since he was 6.  He remains beside himself today.  I just wanted to let you know that  I understand.

[Lisalew]

1 hour ago, MyJulius said:

AJWCat - this is very true indeed. It feels like even when I try to go out and about, its like I am walking around in a daze and life is just happening around me and I am not a part of it. 

It's coming up to a week now that I lost Julius, and although the non-stop tears have stopped, its almost like a deeper sadness has set in. I am no longer in denial that he is gone, and as the truth now feels more real, his loss seems to have a deeper depth to it than it initially did, if that makes sense. 

I was thinking back last night how I even quit my 9 to 5 job so I could spend more time with him and take better care of his diabetes. We were penniless and even though there were some days his food cost more than mine for that day, I always made sure he was put first. I was lucky that I found a job that I could do from home, but now that he's gone its like my days are empty.

A friend suggested I could adopt another cat. And although I thought about it briefly, ultimately I know it wouldn't be fair to either myself, the new cat or Julius' memory. I would only be doing it to fill a void in my heart, and I know it would be purely for selfish reasons, so there's no way I could do that. And of course the thought of ever going through this loss again with another cat is unbearable. At the moment I feel like I have put a wall up around me to ensure this never happens again. Maybe one day in time, that may change.

I am so new here.  I hope I am using this site correctly.  I identify so with how you described your situation.   I have moments of fun (17 to Saturn died on Mother's Day) but I just feel vague inside.  My concentration sucks.  I miss my friend and go off into a crying jag at any time.   I have a 15 yo that I am close to as well but my other (4) cats are kind of feral even though they live inside.  I sometimes feel it would be a good thing to rescue another animal but, right now, I just feel too sad to do that.  Or inauthentic.  I am trying to relax into the new normal and keep focused on 15 yo Pixie, who has a lot of health challenges too.

[MyJulius]

On 5/17/2018 at 9:55 PM, KayC said:

Trying to get out may not help right now but it may later when you've hit a different stage. 

KayC - When I read this sentence, it made me realize how grief really does feel like it comes in 'stages'. Now that it is the one week anniversary of losing Julius, I can feel I am at a different 'stage' then I was 7 days ago. Even when I read the initial heading of my first post, 'lost my cat 24 hours ago and the pain is getting worse', I know I am at a different stage than I was at during that first painful 24 hours.

As I mentioned to AJWCat above, its like my loss has reached a deeper depth in my heart and mind. At first, I had so much denial, so many tears, so many 'whys', so much confusion, but those feelings have changed and have been exchanged for different feelings. I have flashes in my head of the good times I had with Julius, and I'm hoping in time that ALL those flashes will eventually be of remembering the happy times I had with me, and we had so many happy times over those 18 years.

I also had Julius' ashes returned to me, which was incredibly emotional, but it was nice to have him back. His ashes were placed in a little wooden casket and I placed the casket in his favourite basket where he use to sleep. That was the first time in almost a week that I was able to look at this basket, let alone place his ashes in it and touch the basket. I feel like that was a big step forward for me.

I really do believe this forum helped me so much, to have shared my pain and written it down made all the difference. Even writing down these replies are helping me heal even more and helping to clear my head each day. And I think in order to heal, I need to get the pain out, all of it, and all this is helping.

On a different note, I understand when someone loses a pet or a person quite suddenly, they usually want answers. I was looking into Julius' cancer diagnoses and since he had a massive tumour on his pancreas, I couldn't shake this sneaking suspicion that his diabetes had something to do it with, since the pancreas is responsible for insulin production and his injections were basically supplying 'fake' insulin to his pancreas . I was telling myself to not go looking for answers to questions I didn't want answered, but I couldn't help myself...

Julius was on Lantus insulin for over 3 years, and although there are conflicting studies, there have been reports of tumours being found in people that use Lantus. These results were from studies conducted on humans, but I can't help but think it was part of the reason for his cancerous tumour, since Julius used the same Lantus that is prescribed to people - he was on human insulin. I know he is gone, and nothing I find out will bring him back, but I think its only natural for someone to want to get some answers. Apparently we don't know the causes for pancreatic cancer in people or animals, I found that out when I was first told about his cancer, I wanted to know if it was caused by something I did, but the cause of that type of cancer is unknown.

These studies go back more that 10 years and even go as far as to say using Lantus insulin doubles the chances of getting pancreatic cancerous tumours . All medication has side effects, and the more I read about it, the more I can't seem to shake the feeling its related.

[MyJulius]

51 minutes ago, Lisalew said:

I sometimes feel it would be a good thing to rescue another animal but, right now, I just feel too sad to do that.  

LISALEW - Yes this thought has crossed my mind as well, but its just too sad, even a brief look on the cat shelter website made me cry even more, especially reading the story of abuse to some of the cats. I am not ready for another cat, in fact I have said to a number of people I will never get another pet ever again because it hurts too much on the heart when they get sick. And right now wouldn't be the right time to get a new one. I need to accept the loss of my Julius first.

I am sorry to have read about Saturn. I genuinely understand what you are feeling. They become such a big part of our lives, even when we take them for granted because we know they are there, its overwhelming when we lose them. The best piece of advice outside of this forum was from a friend who said, 'just take baby steps, one day at a time. There's no time limit on your grieving'. And that is what I am doing. We will never forget them but I believe its important to process that loss with 'baby steps'. 

There is almost a taboo about the death of a pet, some people don't get it, whereas others do understand it. I don't believe you can carry on 'as usual' until you cried as much as you need and grieve as much as you want.

I miss my Julius every second of every day, as I'm sure you miss Saturn. But I think that's ok, its normal. It hurts so much when they leave us, and you can feel it deep in your heart because it's such a loss, especially when we have taken care of them every day for so many years. They are a part of our family and our lives and letting them go is one of the hardest things we have to do. I know how much you miss Saturn, she was your friend, and losing any type of friend is going to make you feel a sense of loss and sadness. I think we also want to protect our pets the best we can, and always do right by them, that when the end is near or they have passed on, we feel not only the sadness but a sense that we may have done something wrong to bring this on, even when our actions had nothing to do with the illness as in our cases, we still feel responsible. I think its important to try and not take on any blame.

Find a quiet spot and cry. Cry so much until you think you can't cry anymore and then cry some more. That is what I have been doing and in some strange way I feel like it is helping.

[KayC]

MyJulius,

I hope you will follow this link and read the last post by the grief counselor and administrator of another grief forum...it is in response to a similar post to yours.

http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10990-lost-dog-of-16-years/?tab=comments#comment-139862

[babyboy]

On 5/16/2018 at 1:06 AM, AJWCat said:

Hi @MyJulius, Thanks for the very thoughtful reply and reading my journey. I am sure you can see I know what you are going through! I absolutely felt my heart was broken. I say now it is still "cracked" (healed but not entirely) b/c after losing him, it can never be perfect again. Weirdly, it was not the same with my other two cats. I was terribly sad, but not like w/ him.

Two interesting things... one, we were at an emergency vet and that was his opinion. He was convinced but we did not do an autopsy so, no, it is not 100%. I know he was not super healthy. I did actually consult w/ a pet psychic who spoke w/ Courage and it was very helpful. He claimed Courage did not ingest or eat anything bad and that he does not know what happened! 

I am at peace now with the guilt and the anger I had for so long. It took a while. I try not to think of that last night with him, or I can get into a dark place easily. I appreciate all you said in your post. I know it does not feel you can survive this, you will. Mornings were tough for me too. So many wonderful little things all day that go away.         

Can i have that psychic number pls .At  least  she is  honest and told you she does not know instead of sayinmg  something to please  you oraggravate the pain pls give  me the  number .i find it so hard to cope my heart  is so broken  .i want my  baby to know that why i had not come and seen  him for 2 days

[AJWCat]

@Fay I am so sorry for your loss. You did the right thing, the end while always sooner than we want can be compassionate and a gift of love and sacrifice. We sacrifice and we lose them but they are at peace. I hope the thought comforts you - though I know how sad you are I truly do. 

@MyJulius just a thought on a "new cat." I struggled with this too. We were not in our home so I waited until we moved into a permanent place. Adopting was very difficult at first. I was looking for my cat at the shelter! He was not there of course and I broke into tears and left.

So... finally in December (so it was Aug 12 to Dec 18 ish) we got our current 2 yr old from the shelter. I have to have a cat in my life. It is what gives me a big part of my joy. That said, it made me miss my little guy all over again. She did not make me forget him she reminded me he was gone. But I needed a cat and there are so many sad and alone at shelters. 

 I have bonded slowly with our current crazy little girl. She will never replace our wonderful C cat, but I love her too and am glad she has a home. 

[MyJulius]

On 5/19/2018 at 11:16 AM, Fay said:

It’s the last act of love that we can do for them. 

Fay - this line rings so much truth for me. A friend said to me, 'letting them go when they are sick is PART of loving them.' And that is so true. As incredibly painful as it is, we sometimes don't have any other choice. 

I'm so sorry you lost Bobby. Its devastating, especially when our cats had become a part of our every day lives and made us smile on a daily basis. 

I had to get out of the house yesterday because I was feeling really sad and I just got in my car and drove for miles and miles, I thought it might help. Coming home from the drive was awful, I walked through my front door expecting to see Julius. No matter what the reality is, there seems to be a part of my heart and mind that still hasn't fully accepted he is gone and it's just some twisted bad dream and he will be waiting for me at the front door. Unfortunately, reality always slaps me in the face. I cried so much.

If you read my story about Julius, you will see it's not all that different from Bobby's story in terms of the cancer. It all happens so fast with cancer it seems. If you read some of my replies as well, you will have read how I have found out that cats are so clever at hiding very serious illnesses from us. We have no way of knowing until the final stages kick in and there is nothing we can do at that point.

Yesterday on my drive I found myself thinking that somehow I hope Julius understood what was happening in the end and why he needed to be put to sleep. Its just over a week for me, but my thoughts are always consumed with thinking about my dear Julius. I miss him so very much. All the little things he did that made each day special for me for almost 18 years just disappears over night... its very sad.

 

[MyJulius]

3 hours ago, AJWCat said:

 

 I was looking for my cat at the shelter! He was not there of course and I broke into tears and left.

AJWCat - This is exactly what I am doing while looking at the animal shelter website. Although I have promised myself no more pets EVER again, I keep finding myself drawn to looking for 'Julius' on the shelter site. I'm scrolling through and in my head I'm thinking, "nope that's not Julius... that one looks similar but different eyes... that one kind of looks like him... this one sorta looks similar but not him." 

I realized that I am looking for him! So right now is definitely the wrong time for that, even if I really did want another cat right now, I would only be getting a cat for selfish reasons to fill a void in my heart. Julius is still very much in my mind and heart all the time day and night that even if I got another cat I would be constantly comparing the new cat's personality to Julius.

I did read one story on here about someone who immediately went out and adopted another cat from a shelter when they lost their cat. Once her and the new kitty got home she couldn't bear seeing the new kitty sleeping in all the spots her old cat did, and rubbing his scent all over the spots her old cat did and ultimately she took the kitty back to the shelter because she wasn't ready and it just made her more upset.

Some people are stronger, some people can move on right away and think nothing of losing a pet, while others like you and I, and many others need some time to process the grief.

I went for a long drive yesterday to get out of the house so I could do some thinking. And though I am adamant that I don't want another cat at this stage, I realized on my drive that the only reason I don't want another cat is because I don't want to go through this pain ever again. I've put up a wall. That wall is going to do a good job of keeping out this kind of pain ever happening again, but that wall is also going to do a good job of keeping out a ton of LOVE that another cat may bring to me one day...so maybe for me its more a case of, never say never...

[KayC]

I think it helps to wait before adopting, to give yourself some grieving time and adjustment period.  

[MyJulius]

On 5/20/2018 at 8:05 AM, george drye said:

Hi There

Just wanted to say I lost a beloved dog named Friska 12 years ago and in a way have never got over it, but wanted to share a nice site with you all that I made in honor of her with hopes it may help some of you that have lost a beloved pet in the past. You may view the site at www.littlepawsmemorialgardens.com

Such a beautiful and lovely idea to remember our beloved pets. Friska looks like she was a wonderful dog.

[MyJulius]

On 5/19/2018 at 9:42 PM, KayC said:

MyJulius,

I hope you will follow this link and read the last post by the grief counselor and administrator of another grief forum...it is in response to a similar post to yours.

http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10990-lost-dog-of-16-years/?tab=comments#comment-139862

KayC - I read this post and boy could I relate. Everything she described is what I was feeling the first few days (and still feeling) when I lost Julius. MartyT, the grief counselor, definitely had some good advice. I feel for their loss, I am going through it, you have been through it and it's an awful thing to have to go through. Loss hurts, it really hurts inside your heart. You can feel the pain.

I also read somewhere how grief can feel like, 'waves crashing on a beach'. I may have read that here or somewhere else and it didn't really make sense at the time but I get it now. One moment I feel like I am going to get through this, as if the oceans tide is going out. Then all of a sudden a wave of sadness can come crashing down on me, like a big wave on a beach, and the tears start again. But when I look at myself today, compared to the first 24 hours that I lost Julius, I can already see that I am functioning a bit better, and thinking a bit clearer, even though Julius is never far from my thoughts.

I have been sleeping with one of his framed pictures by my pillow every night, and last night I could honestly 'sense' him in my bedroom. I sat bolt upright in bed and looked over the side where he sometimes stood, and shouted out "Julius, you're back". Then of course realized it was just my imagination. 

I don't think now is the right time for me to adopt another cat, it would be for all the wrong, selfish reasons. I'm looking on the shelter site for Julius, not another cat, so I'm just trying to fill the void that his death has created. I also got a voice message on my phone yesterday and it was the pet shop calling me and telling me that my order for Julius was ready to be collected. I forgot I had ordered some items for him several weeks back before he started getting sick. That was an awful message to hear, I couldn't help but burst into tears.

I have also had cats in my life ever since I could remember, so I feel almost pointless not having a cat to tend to and nurture. However, I do believe that if I am meant to have another cat then the universe will bring one into my life at the right time, but now is not that time. I am still having difficulty even looking at Julius' favorite spots, or walking into his own room and seeing his fur everywhere doesn't help either. He was a long haired cat and his fluff is still all over the place at the moment... it hurts seeing it.

[ModHerc]

MyJulius,

First I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through.  It is obvious that Julius touched your life deeply, and that your care and compassion gave him a long, love filled life. In the past when I have lost pets who were very significant to me I always took a break before bringing in another.  I still haven’t gotten a new dog, and that one has been ten years now.  There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are comfortable, and this is coming from someone who worked at an animal shelter for a long time.

If down the road you find you want the companionship of a pet, but aren’t sure if it is the right time, consider volunteering at your local shelter.  You get to spend time with the animals, and they get some much needed socializing as well.  It can be very hard in its own right, so I wouldn’t take that step right away either.

Give yourself time to process your current situation.  Grief is a very rocky road, and it takes time to walk it.  Hoping you find some peace,

Herc

[KayC]

9 hours ago, MyJulius said:

last night I could honestly 'sense' him in my bedroom. I sat bolt upright in bed and looked over the side where he sometimes stood, and shouted out "Julius, you're back". Then of course realized it was just my imagination. 

Not necessarily.  His spirit may have visited you.  I don't understand such things so certainly can't explain it, but I've heard this enough to realize it may be very real.

32 minutes ago, Herc said:

If down the road you find you want the companionship of a pet, but aren’t sure if it is the right time, consider volunteering at your local shelter.

Very good idea!  Or try "fostering".  

[AJWCat]

I know I have set myself for future pain. We all do it anytime we love anything. A friend, a partner, family, pets, there will be loss and pain. But the joy wins out for me. Take your time. As you say, the universe will hep you know when the time is right. 

[KayC]

I know, I will have further grief too, but I can't imagine living without animals.  The emptiness I'd feel.

[MyJulius]

On 5/21/2018 at 11:28 PM, Herc said:

MyJulius,

First I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through.  It is obvious that Julius touched your life deeply, and that your care and compassion gave him a long, love filled life. In the past when I have lost pets who were very significant to me I always took a break before bringing in another.  I still haven’t gotten a new dog, and that one has been ten years now.  There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are comfortable, and this is coming from someone who worked at an animal shelter for a long time.

If down the road you find you want the companionship of a pet, but aren’t sure if it is the right time, consider volunteering at your local shelter.  You get to spend time with the animals, and they get some much needed socializing as well.  It can be very hard in its own right, so I wouldn’t take that step right away either.

Give yourself time to process your current situation.  Grief is a very rocky road, and it takes time to walk it.  Hoping you find some peace,

Herc

Herc - thank you for your message and I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dog from ten years ago. Yesterday I had a 'bad' day and I'm sure there will be more to come but I struggled to get through yesterday, I was just very sad again about Julius.

I have thought about fostering kittens from a shelter but I am worried about one thing in regards to that. I am worried if I foster some kittens and no one decides to adopt them, are they then put to sleep if they get too old? I couldn't bear the thought of taking care of a beautiful kitten and then no one wants to adopt it so it needs to be put to sleep. I guess I should ask my shelter but I thought to ask you anyway in case you knew the procedure.

[MyJulius]

On 5/22/2018 at 6:10 AM, AJWCat said:

I know I have set myself for future pain. 

AJWCat - I don't think there really is any way to avoid future pain from loss when we lose a beautiful soul. Unless we live in a plastic bubble and never give love to anyone or allow anyone to love us.

Yesterday I had the blues quite bad thinking about Julius. I just couldn't shake the dark cloud away all day but today I am feeling a bit better. I just find myself thinking about the last few days of his life and how he went downhill so fast. And I still question myself. If there was more I could have done? Or perhaps I did something wrong to contribute to his cancer and kidney disease? But I don't think I will ever get answers to those questions. And besides I'm not sure there was anymore that I could have done given his prognosis, but still I wonder. And I also think if I should have kept him alive a little longer because the vet said he had possibly a few weeks left if he was lucky. But then I tell myself, I wouldn't have been prolonging his LIFE, I would have been prolonging his DEATH and made him suffer. Maybe its normal to question yourself...

[MyJulius]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

I know, I will have further grief too, but I can't imagine living without animals.  The emptiness I'd feel.

KayC - I am feeling that emptiness every single second of the day and night. Its amazing how much presence our pets have even if they may be sleeping elsewhere in the house and we can't see them, we still know they are nearby and may pop their head around the corner at any moment.

My place has an empty cold feel to it. I have had pets my whole life so its a struggle for me to literally be on my own with no pet present. I don't like the feeling and it made me think how people get by in life if they have never had a pet, be it a dog or a cat. They bring so much joy and companionship.

I had another strange Julius visitation last night, I felt him scratching at the covers and I turned over and called out his name. The last year or so he stopped sleeping on my bed but before that he use to scratch on the covers to come under and snuggle and that's the scratching I felt last night. Very strange. Whether it's my imagination or something more, I don't know...

[ModHerc]

31 minutes ago, MyJulius said:

Herc - thank you for your message and I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dog from ten years ago. Yesterday I had a 'bad' day and I'm sure there will be more to come but I struggled to get through yesterday, I was just very sad again about Julius.

I have thought about fostering kittens from a shelter but I am worried about one thing in regards to that. I am worried if I foster some kittens and no one decides to adopt them, are they then put to sleep if they get too old? I couldn't bear the thought of taking care of a beautiful kitten and then no one wants to adopt it so it needs to be put to sleep. I guess I should ask my shelter but I thought to ask you anyway in case you knew the procedure.

It varies from shelter to shelter, or from rescue group to rescue group.  Generally speaking though once they are fostered out to you, you keep them until a permanent home is found for them.  If for some reason you couldn’t continue to foster them and they had to be returned to the shelter it is possible they could be put down, depending on the type of shelter.

A couple of things to note, it probably wouldn’t be “them” it would most likely be a single animal.  Some times animals are fostered in groups if they came into the shelter system together.  For instance if an owner was moving to an apartment that didn’t allow cats, and turned in two pets at the same time, those two might be fostered out together.

Also it probably wouldn’t be a kitten, much more likely a full grown cat.  Kittens are cute and cuddly, so they get adopted quickly.  It is the full grown animals that are more likely to need long term housing, because people aren’t as likely to bring them home.

If you are concerned about getting attached to an animal that may be euthanized (a very valid concern considering your recent loss), fostering is probably a far safer idea, props to KayC for bringing in that possibility.  If you still wanted to consider volunteering though (maybe having a cat at your home would remind you too much of Julius) you can check to see if it is a “full-service” shelter or a “no-kill” shelter.  “No-kill” shelters are exactly what they sound like, they do not euthanize any animals.  They do have to turn away animals at the door as a result though.  I won’t get into the philosophy behind that, it is quite contentious in the animal service world, but the point is that volunteering at a no-kill shelter would keep you away from that issue.

If you look at fostering, be aware that there is usually a lengthy interview process.  They want to make sure you and your home are a good environment for the foster animals.  It can take a few months to get set up to foster.  Volunteering is usually much faster.  You meet with a volunteer coordinator and many times are caring for animals within the day or at most the week.

I hope it helps, let me know if you have any more questions.  And thank you for your sympathy regarding my dog.  He was a great boy, one of the smartest animals I ever saw, in a fairly long career.  It took a while, but I am pretty much through that grief now.  I haven’t gotten another dog yet mostly because I want a big dog and currently live on a second floor apartment which would be rough on its hips.  But your words are certainly appreciated.

[ModHerc]

2 hours ago, MyJulius said:

AJWCat - I don't think there really is any way to avoid future pain from loss when we lose a beautiful soul. Unless we live in a plastic bubble and never give love to anyone or allow anyone to love us.

Yesterday I had the blues quite bad thinking about Julius. I just couldn't shake the dark cloud away all day but today I am feeling a bit better. I just find myself thinking about the last few days of his life and how he went downhill so fast. And I still question myself. If there was more I could have done? Or perhaps I did something wrong to contribute to his cancer and kidney disease? But I don't think I will ever get answers to those questions. And besides I'm not sure there was anymore that I could have done given his prognosis, but still I wonder. And I also think if I should have kept him alive a little longer because the vet said he had possibly a few weeks left if he was lucky. But then I tell myself, I wouldn't have been prolonging his LIFE, I would have been prolonging his DEATH and made him suffer. Maybe its normal to question yourself...

@MyJulius,

Guilt is a part of our grieving process.  It is a necessary step in moving towards acceptance and by its very nature one of the hardest emotions to get past.  Feel what you need to get through this one moment at a time.

That having been said, I don’t think I have met a single pet owner who has done more than you in caring for their pet.  Working at the shelter I saw some people who didn’t deserve pets, flat out.  One of those that springs to mind is a woman who gave up her 13 year old cat because it didn’t use the litter box.  It didn’t use the litter box one time.  Because it had a urinary tract infection.  After she had lived with it for over 12 years this woman got rid of “her” pet because it was a little sick.  I flagged her in our computer system to make sure she can never adopt a pet in our county again.  I hope she feels guilt every day of her life.  She desrves it.  You don’t.

You cared for a cat with multiple severe health concerns for a period extending for years.  You took daily blood sugars, figured out dosages for insulin, and ensured a proper and balanced diet.  Those are the things you mentioned.  The things you didn’t mention but probably did include coming home to find a nearly comatose cat going through severe low blood sugars that you had to either immediately feed , if you could get it to eat, or possibly inject with sucrose.  You researched and understood the complications of diabetes, kidney disease, and cancer.  You tracked the outward signs of all these diseases so that you could give a report to the vet with the most information possible.  You managed to ascertain a cats condition when they are some of the most adept animals on the face of the planet at hiding illness and pain.  Compared to most pet owners you are amazing, compared to the woman who gave her cat up you are on a higher evolutionary level.

Coming from a professional, and from someone who had to medicate cats both at work and at home, I can tell you you did everything you should have or could have.  At the very end he began to suffer and you gave him the one last gift you could, the gift of peace.  You did him that mercy in a timely fashion, with all the compassion in the world.  Despite knowing that you would have issues with it, you stayed in the room to reassure him as you helped end his suffering, even though it created suffering for you.

I have cared for many pets over a long period of time, with professional training.  I have had access to every vet in my county, and the ability to evaluate those vets based off of their ability and with first hand knowledge.  I love animals so much that I stayed at a minimum wage job while making a rent payment on a four bedroom house in the suburbs just so I could work with them.  And you did better with your Julius than I have done with some of my pets.  You are a hero.

Please feel sad, depressed, angry, if you need to feel them.  If you have to feel guilt, so be it, but I can guarantee you that you have no logical reason to do so other than it being a facet of your grief.  Hoping you understand exactly how terrific you are,

Herc

[KayC]

Feeling that scratching at the covers may have been a visitation, perhaps concern because of your pain and grief.  It will lessen and as it does Julius may be relieved for your sake and be more ready and able to venture into what is to come.

I hope these articles are of help to you as they were to me, I got them from my other grief site.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[AJWCat]

You can't help but question and question, question. It is normal. But you said it... and it is true: you'd have prolonged suffering, not the happy go-lucky healthy Julius you wanted. Crurious... Was he a snuggler? Did Julius have any funny things he always did?

Take it from someone who obsessed endlessly about the last day of my cat's life... I had to work to focus on the happy times and sharing them can help.

[MyJulius]

On 5/23/2018 at 2:31 PM, Herc said:

@MyJulius,

Guilt is a part of our grieving process.  It is a necessary step in moving towards acceptance and by its very nature one of the hardest emotions to get past.  Feel what you need to get

Herc - thank you so much for your lovely message. It bought tears to my eyes, but they were good tears. I never thought of myself to that way, let alone a hero. I would have done anything for Julius, which is part of the reason his death is so difficult. The fact that there was nothing I could possibly do to help him in the end except to let him go. There was no medication to cure him, no operation to save him, and that is what makes the loss so hard to understand. I was helpless.

His diabetes diagnoses was definitely a giant learning curve for me. Learning about feline diabetes, learning to do the injections, learning to do the blood tests, but I never minded any part of it. We learnt to adjust. And in the end doing his insulin injections and blood tests became just a part of daily life like feeding him and cleaning his litter.

It breaks my heart to hear of the story of the lady who bought her cat in to you and gave it away due to not using the litter properly. Julius stopped doing number 2's in his litter box a year ago and towards the end he couldn't even use his litter box correctly for number 1's or 2, but again, I didn't mind cleaning up after him. As our cats get older, taking care of them as they age is part of loving them.

A few years ago I remember seeing a so-called friend who owned a cat write a post on social media that she decided on a whim to move overseas. She didn't want to take her cat so she wrote a post asking anyone to take her cat or she was going to have it put down, all so she could satisfy her whim. I was absolutely furious. I blasted her with messages as did many others and then removed her as a friend and never spoke to her again. To this day, I don't know what happened to her cat.

Its almost like some people consider a pet as just a toy they can throw away when they have finished with it. There should be stricter laws to protect animals being adopted to unsuitable homes.

I would love to do something as you have done. To work somewhere helping animals in need. I have quite a few shelters near me, so once I feel I am ready I will approach them and see if there is anything I can do to help. One site required drivers to help transport pets to their new adoptive homes so something like that may be perfect for me. Its volunteer work only but I don't mind.

It's just over 2 weeks now from when I lost Julius. I still have quite a bit of denial and guilt about things. The weirdest part is when 7am and 7pm come around and my brain tells me I have to feed him and do his insulin, its like my brain is ingrained with having to follow that routine and it takes a moment for me to realize he's not here. 

I feel like each day gets a little bit better, but there is a constant sadness that seems to follow me around which I can't seem to shake off. I think that sadness will be here for a while...

[MyJulius]

On 5/23/2018 at 11:58 PM, KayC said:

 

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

 

This link was so important for me to read and made so much sense. Especially the last 2 paragraphs, as I have guilt as to why I couldn't do more to prevent his cancer or his kidney disease. It sounds almost too obvious, but those are diseases that I was absolutely powerless to control, and didn't cause them to happen. Without sounding like a controlling cat owner, I did try to control every aspect of Julius' life so when it came down to his death and I couldn't control that, it weighs on my mind.

I still believe his insulin was responsible for his cancerous tumour, but again that was out of my control. I can't stop tumours from developing. I couldn't stop his kidneys from ageing and developing kidney disease. I need to just accept that these things were completely out of my control. I can't cure cancer! No-one can! As wonderful as it would be for the world to have a cure for cancer, at this stage, it doesn't exist. I need to accept all that and stop questioning myself if there was more that I could have done.

[KayC]

I love that article, it is my favorite of all of them I have read on guilt, it explains so much and I feel like they understand.

We are just looking for another possible outcome with all of our what ifs, it's a part of the grief process.

[MyJulius]

On 5/24/2018 at 10:57 AM, AJWCat said:

Did Julius have any funny things he always did?

 

AJWCat - yes Julius had so many funny traits, as many cats do. Its almost like Julius had a sense of humor of his own. However, when he was diagnosed with diabetes and his treatment began, he sort of slowed down a little, granted he was 14 years old when diagnosed so he was most likely getting into his senior years where our cats usually begin to slow down anyway, but before that he was tons of fun.

When I was still working 9 to 5 and I would get home Julius would have what I use to call his, 'mad minute.' He would go wild with excitement when I walked through my front door. He ran like a maniac up and down the stairs, bolted around corners, jumped out to surprise me... he would literally be bouncing off the walls. It would usually last half an hour but I still called it his mad minute. I always found that so amusing. And during his mad minute he use to also do what I called his 'crab run', because he would run sideways down the length of the hall and arch his back to try and make himself look big in a playful way, then he would stop and fly up the stairs again. 

As for a snuggler, yes he was. Up until a year ago, he was always a snuggler in bed. I didn't need to call him and bring him upstairs to bed, he always would follow and paw at the covers and then curl up in my arm and stay there till morning. We both use to love that, he was such a loving cat.

My favorite thing to do in his last few years was to hold him up to the large mirror I have on one of my walls and show him his reflection and say, 'who is that, that's you Julius'. He would be genuinely fascinated by his own reflection and get this real puzzled look on his face like he was amazed at himself. And his mouth would also drop open like he was shocked that he could see himself. No matter how many times I did that he always had a baffled look on his face when looking at himself and it made me laugh. Funny thing is, it was only one particular mirror in my house he did that at. Any other mirror he could not care less, it was just the one near the front door which would fascinate him.

He also always had the loudest trill I'd ever heard from a cat. As he started to lose his hearing it wasn't unusual for me to accidentally surprise him when he wasn't looking and he would let out a screech of a trill and be so happy to see me. I was always certain that trill belonged in the 'Guinness Book of World Records for Loudest Trill' because it was a howler. I really miss hearing that trill. When I think about it, that trilling became louder and more frequent in the last few months and weeks of his life for some reason.

I think 99% of my daily thoughts are still about him. He is never far from my thoughts. I am finding myself occasionally thinking of good times but the last few weeks of his life still continue to haunt me a little. I try my best to process those bad thoughts because I feel like I need to think my way through them to understand them. I can't block out those thoughts, as I'm a firm believer that if we repress our negative thoughts, they eventually catch up to us sooner or later, so I try to process them as painful as they are.

It was really just the last two weeks of his life that I think badly about when he started getting sick. And then of course the last few days when he became almost lifeless, and then the day he was put to sleep is a hard one for me to process. Its all so sad, those final days, I still have very dark moments thinking about that...

What was the most favorite thing your kitty use to do??

[KayC]

I love that!  Mad minute.  My cat has done that, she's 23 and it's like she stores up energy and all of a sudden has to let it out, then she tears around the house like crazy, back and forth!  The dog (huge) comes to and sees her and decides to get on board, looks like a fun game so he joins in and tears after her.  Then she gets this sharp look on her face when she realizes he's after her and she is NOT amused!  It's pretty funny, but I have to call off the dog and he looks like, "What?  SHE started it!"  Animals, they can be a hoot!

I love your memories, precious!  I've had many cats over the years but no two were the same, all very unique!

[AJWCat]

Hahaha funny KayC...!

@MyJulius my guy slowed down too that last year. I love your stories about Julius, made me smile. My guy's "mad minute" really was just  a minute in that last year.

I guess the reality is, he was really older than even I realized or wanted to see - especially compared to my current 2 yr. old. I encouraged him to talk to me so he was a loud talker and got louder at the end too, they say older cats can get a little disoriented or lose hearing so they vocalize more.

He was so sweet, he liked to curl up on my pillow and lay right on my head. It was pretty funny, my husband has some pictures of that and I am totally asleep. He also preferred to drink out of the shower so I would run it for a minute whenever he cried at me. He knew I would do anything he wanted.  Good memories. I don't blame you for thinking about the end a lot, I sure did. And it's the most recent and most emotion/painful time. But it is nice to hear about Julius' happy days.  

[KayC]

Kitty has slowed down a lot this year, she walks unbearably slow now, BUT she's still pretty agile for her age, it amazes me.  But I would be surprised if she lasted another year, she's developed tumors, her hearing is going, she's pretty old.  Vets won't do anything that requires anesthesia for her because of her age, she wouldn't make it.  So hard to watch this process.

Yes, in the end, we are left with our memories...

[MyJulius]

On 5/28/2018 at 9:21 PM, KayC said:

My cat has done that, she's 23

KayC - gosh you have a 23 year old, that's absolutely amazing, she must be very well looked after and be given much love. I was hoping my guy would make it to at least 20, but it seems he had other plans and wanted to go. 

I also had a strange feeling at the start of this year that Julius wasn't going to make it to the end of this year. As with your cat, so many things were going wrong with him. His hearing and sight were almost gone, I was lucky if he used the litter box correctly, he no longer ran around and it had became just a slow walk. His insulin needed to be increased to a higher dose. He would also often get the shakes/tremors and he had problems jumping simple heights like on the lounge or bed. But his loving nature never changed.

Despite all this and getting the feeling he wouldn't make it to the end of the year, its still awfully sad and a huge shock for me that he is gone. The vets final prognosis mentioned he had massive fluid build up in his abdomen which was secondary to the massive tumor, but I now suspect that tumor may have ruptured or was spreading from what I have read online. As you can see, I'm still looking for answers, almost 3 weeks later...

However, there was something I thought about yesterday. And although the final days and weeks are generally absolutely awful for our pets and for us to witness, I think its important to remember that our pets had many many many years of tremendous love from us and had safe and happy homes for their entire life, right up to the end. I am reminding myself of that today...

Also, on the cat shelter website I read about some of the traumas that the homeless cats have been through, the abuse, the injuries, the neglect and that they just need some love and comfort in their lives. We provided so much love and comfort to our cats for their entire lives, we gave them wonderful loving, happy homes and never let them go hungry... many cats don't get that change... we should remember that...I believe our kitties were blessed to have us, as we were blessed to have them...

[MyJulius]

On 5/29/2018 at 1:46 AM, AJWCat said:

He also preferred to drink out of the shower so I would run it for a minute whenever he cried at me. He knew I would do anything he wanted.  Good memories. 

AJWCat - Julius was a big shower water fan as well. I could never shut the bathroom door, in fact, no doors in the house were ever closed he liked to have free rein. He also use to do daily inspections of each room to make sure everything was always in order. In particular, if people had been over, once they left he would do a 'house inspection' to make sure everything was how it should be.

I miss him so much. My house has so soul. I can feel the emptiness and his presence missing. His cleaned food bowls are still on the kitchen sink, I can't bear to pack them away just yet. Or pack any of his stuff away.

Sometimes I think if I were to let go of some of this grief, I'll be letting go of him...