Lost Mum, Only Child

[DeepPurple]

I lost my mum just 2 weeks ago; and even typing this one sentence hurts so badly.  I am the only child (and am also unmarried and childless), and for the last decade, I was my mum's caregiver.  Since young, I had been afraid of being alone in the world, so when the inevitable happened, my worst fears were realised.  My grief is multi-layered.  There is the missing deeply of Mum, there is the guilt of not carving out more time for her, or saying harsh words to her when the caregiving got tough, fearing living alone from now on (Mum and I lived together) and not knowing how to find a mission for my life.  The pain hits so badly that I sometimes just double up in bed, and can't even function.  I try to tell myself that there is hope and a future but it does not sound convincing.  I asked around for a bereavement group but there is none where I live.  Friends did rally round the first week but now their support is tapering off.  I even had a few people tell me that I should stop being clingy and learn to be by myself.  Which sounds a bit harsh and unrealistic.  I mean, if you just broke your leg, you would need support to move but as the leg heals, you will gradually need less support and then can be independent when the leg fully heals.  Sometimes, I think no one understands.

Hope to hear from people who are further along in this journey who may have words of comfort.

Thanks so much!

[reader]

Dear DeepPurple:

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved mum. Please know everything you are asking and thinking is a normal part of grief. Sorry to hear there isn't a bereavement group in your area. There are many on Facebook and online, so please know you are not alone. Some of these websites might be helpful:

Aging Care

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Recovery Method

GriefShare.Org

Grief in Common

Please know you are not alone. And there are people that do understand. I found the first year of grief the hardest. And still 18 months later, I still struggle. Like you, I wonder what my mission in life is without my parent. But I do find the intensity of my grief has lessened. I still think I didn't do enough for my parent, but that is something I'm working on.

Take care of yourself. Please know we are with you.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

 

[sadandlost]

Dear deeppurple,

I’m so sorry for your loss.  Losing a mum is life changing.  It was and is for me.  It has been 15 months for me.  The first year was brutal.  I kept thinking it’s not getting any better as the months went on and I went deeper into depression.  Everything you are feeling now is normal and it will be for many months.  I found after one month kindness and compassion wore off and so i didn’t speak about the hell i was going through.  I too felt like I had no purpose.  I felt who am I without my mum?  It changed me.  But now I’m coming back to myself.  Every single day I miss her and wish I had appreciated her more.  I think eventually you get used to the heartbreak and it becomes something else.  It never goes away but it’s less raw and in time you’re able to function again in the world.  I’m not married either so I understand you feel everything has gone.  Use this network as a support.  Others are reading your words.  You will in time get through this.  Thinking of you.

[DeepPurple]

I thank you reader and sadandlost.  I sought out adult orphans to ask how they dealt with their grief, thinking that I could glean some insights.  But I was sooo surprised.  No one had anything to offer.  3 said they were happy because their mothers were no longer suffering and had lived long lives (mid to late 80s), 2 threw themselves into work (so probably did not quite process their grief), 1 was on meds long before her mother died and so was so doped up she did not feel much, yet another said she was not close to her parents and so their deaths were mere hiccups.  Only one said she cried every time she returned to the empty home and had the acute pain for almost a year. She did not give much advice except to ask me to let the pain come (so not to suppress it). 

So I am thinking that that means just gritting your teeth when the pain hits...and pray that it passes.  But the pain is in the background too, so even after a hit, the pain remains.

Sadandlost : when you said "I'm coming back to myself", what do you mean please?  I mean, how do you find a purpose and meaning to your life after Mum?

Reader : thanks for the websites, I shall check them out...when I am more capable of doing things other than cry and feel that there can no longer be beauty and joy in the world anymore.

[silverkitties]

Deeppurple,

I can only imagine all too well how you feel--if only because I was and am probably still in the same shoes. Like you, I was an only child, unmarried, and childless. My mother was my everything: my best friend, mentor, in fact, a mother AND father. Because my parents decided to move in with me in CT, we had each other's company for 7 years before she passed. It was not until 2014 that I became her caregiver--remaining so until her death in October that year.

To say that the first year was difficult would be an understatement: as it is, I've always been the sort to reminisce. So when she died, I felt flooded by memories every day. Depending on what the weather was like, sometimes  I'd be reminded of the days when mom and I went to the mall. Sometimes on cool, cloudy fall days, I would think about the time my mom accompanied me to England where I did graduate study. At other times, I'd put on a lipstick, remembering that I wore it to see her that happy day when we thought she was recovering well. On the day that I had to take one of my cats to the vet, I thought about my last visit with mom there. And so on...nearly everything I did had a memory (or Mom-ory?) attached.

It is now some 3 years and 7 months after her death. I've accepted that she is dead--by that, I mean I've accepted the reality that she is gone for good. I have had some happy days and others where I feel OK. Yet, I can't deny that I have my bad days too...whenever I'm tense or worried about something, sometimes the memories came back even stronger. I think the only thing that could make me feel genuinely happy is if I knew for sure I could be reunited with her after death. This is tough for me because I've never been particularly religious. Sometimes as I'm showering, I like to think what would that encounter be like? Will it be like the times we've waited for each other at the airports? (How happy we were when the other arrived!) Would she be waiting for me just like she waited for me at the train station after a day of teaching? What will the rest of our time be like? Will our cats join us?Do we get to visit our old "haunts?" Maybe one day, we'll glide invisibly through the Bronx Zoo. Perhaps we'll slide through the doors of the Indian restaurants at Oxford, savoring the familiar aromas of chicken korma and lamb madras. Or we'll hovering together over shopper's heads in London, recalling our favorite purchases. Or will that be so material that we won't even think about it? I would hate to imagine an eternity without her: she was the only person who ever loved me and the person I've ever loved.

I would say the roughest time for me was between the 6-month and 1-year mark. It wasn't until I finished two writing projects reasonably successfully that I realized the worst was probably past--even as there was a residual regret that mom would not see either the book or article.  Without a doubt, I would have to credit this site for my improvement. It was a relief to have a place for me to express my feelings and reminiscences about my mom. It helped tremendously that a number of us understood and comforted each other over the course of a year or slightly longer. In fact, I would say I learned a lot here.

People may not always respond immediately, but they will at one point or another. It took several months before i found some friends here:yet, it was well worth the wait.

 

 

 

 

 

[DeepPurple]

Silverkitties : your post resonates with me.  Our situations are so similar.  My mum loved me unconditionally till the end and because she first loved me, I could love her so much in return.  Hence this agonising pain.  I would give anything to have her back like she was in my photos - smiling, putting up her hands for a laugh etc. But I know that is IMPOSSIBLE. And it is this impossibility that causes the agony, this twist of the heart.  I know that no matter what I do, I will never have her back the way we had.  That the future now does not include her. It is eternal earthly separation.  Hence, my despondency, that the future is bleak and without hope. 

[silverkitties]

Exactly, Deep Purple--it's the impossibility that really causes the pang. I remember feeling it when her stupid doc's office called, asking why my mom hadn't gone in for her check-up. Well, duh, she's dead. Actually, I told the nurse that since he was the attending physician when she died, he ought to remember it! And then a day after that, her neurologist called with the same thing. Not surprisingly, those calls summoned up so many memories even if I was already besieged by them.

It's those reminders that hurt. Like vacuuming, and finding a receipt from the lunch the day she passed. Or even finding one from a happier day--and knowing, of course, that our hopes and dreams for her never came true.

Sometimes, it can be other things. Hearing the phone ring and knowing it won't be my mom saying "I'm going to be home in about 10 minutes." Or hearing a plane overheard and thinking, mom will be home from Taiwan in a day! Well, mom will never be home again. Sometimes, I'll be checking the side door for packages at night...and remembering the night mom came home from the hospital after a fall....and she was OK. I remember that feeling of relief and happiness that she was still around....and knowing that she won't be stepping in. anytime soon or later.

She really was my everything. It was always fun to go out with her, whether it was to a local drugstore and doing grocery shopping--or sightseeing in Europe. When there were just the two of us--i.e., without my jackass father--we were mostly happy together, even if we did have our mother-daughter fights. Even if I had miserable days, at least I had mom around. And now....who is going to comfort me? My life has been much worse, especially taking care of my dad whom I cannot stand at all. In fact, I see him as her indirect killer....he stressed her out for so many years that even though he was physically the weaker one, he wore her out. Quite honestly, if he didn't drag her to Taiwan in 2013, she might still be alive. That's what hurts me every day.

Do you have any friends or relatives--especially relatives on your mom's side? Talking to my mom's sisters really helped me.

[DeepPurple]

Are you of Taiwanese origins?

Unfortunately, I am not close to my relatives.  My cousins are mostly 15-20 years older, so their children were more my contemporaries.  Growing up, we were more like nuclear families and so we rarely saw one another.  There is an Aunty who is not a direct relative who has been some support but she is elderly and I don't feel good taxing her...

[silverkitties]

Yes, my parents are of Taiwanese origins. And yours? Where are you btw? I'm guessing Britain, Canada, or Australia from your spelling.

[tessa]

ditto to all you have said above. *** putting up my hand *** I am another orphan without a family.
DeepPurple, 2 weeks is brutal. I'm up to 9 months on this lonely journey. The first few months were horrible. I didn't want to go on.
Now, at the 9 month mark, I'm working and working and working cos work makes me forget reality. Some drink alcohol, some do drugs, I work to make me forget.
Silverkitties, I wander the same about re-uniting with my parents. Will we ever see her/them again.
I have no answers.

[silverkitties]

Tessa, work has definitely helped me heal: partly because I know that’s what mom would want me to do. I am so glaD I didn’t quit teaching the term my mom died: I think one of the reasons why I felt worse a few months later is because i didn’t have a course that term. Granted, I had my book to write, but in some ways it was tougher because every time I went over an old chapter, I couldn’t help but remember what was happening when I was researching/writing the previous year. Now, whenever I see Rousseau’s discourse on inequality, I think of March 2014, righ5 before she had her stroke. 

[Valentina1989]

I really sorry for your lose.  I can feel of that pain , I grow up with my single dad and I just only chid . I lose my father nearly 3 years I still feel so painful when I think about it. I did't said good bye to him. when I think about it sometime I keep hurt myself I feeling like my world is disintegrate . I feel alive but die inside , in 2 year I stop enjoying my life  I feel so weak and stop laughing because I to scare if him look down on me he will think I forget about him. but what I try to make myself feeling guilty that it whole wrong . my dad will never want to see his only daughter upset he will never see me give up in my life . so I choose to put myself together in this year for be the new person be stronger try to move my life go to a good place and move on (he will stay in my heart forever ) and look forward myself. and yes it ok when you think  and missing about someone you really love them all your heart and it very upset you just let your tears come out you don't have to be pretend you strong all the time , and don't worry if everyone  will not  understand your feeling  when you feeling weak about lose someone you love because some of them don't really care about emotion of being human or someone never lose someone them really love. same as me first year I try hard to talk with people around me but it complicated for  make them understand .I met my bf after 2 months my dad pass away  I feel like he are only one in my life so I can share my feeling with but he make me more upset because he make me feel like I'm so difficult to understand my emotions we been for nearly 3 years he treat me very badly but I keep stay with him because I don't have somewhere for run to anymore myself really down and now he break my heart .  same I telling you this year I need to choose what it the best things for my life I been stuck with someone just using me. im really have to move on my life have to be stronger on my own. that it what I can do and I hope you will feeling better step by step , time by time . I send my love to  you xx (I'm sorry about my English not very well)

[DeepPurple]

Valentina : no worries about your English.  I am very appreciative that you cared enough to share your experiences.  In fact, to all who wrote, thanks for your healing words. 

This is no easy journey because deep emotions are involved here.  And death is the final earthly separation.  This agony is so crippling, so debilitating, so incapacitating that you have to marvel that anyone can get out of this alive (pun intended).  But people do, and even find new meaning, so that is the hope we can cling onto.  Even if we don't see clear now.

Right now, all I know is the pain, emotional and physical.  And I cry when I can although the tears don't always come.  I see a common thread here about our friends not understanding our tears and other grief reactions, labelling us as crazy or emo or needing meds.  Only those who have walked this journey can truly empathise.  So hurtful though this lack of understanding is, we have to know that our grief reactions whichever form these take are NORMAL, and ignore those people who think otherwise.