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holyhecko

Father passed away 1/30/18

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holyhecko

On January 30th, my dad had a heart attack and passed away.

My Dad was an alcoholic; I’m not sure how long he had been dealing with addiction, but I became aware of it in the summer of 2017, after several fights broke out between my mom and him, where she called him out for constantly being drunk. My father struggled with many medical conditions: depression, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, eczema, and others that he wouldn’t tell us about. He was also very bad at taking his medicines, and was off his blood pressure medication.  My family and I believe he had congestive heart failure, due to the fact that he had many symptoms. One of them is swelling of the legs, which he was prescribed medication to stop the swelling, but he didn’t take it for the last week he was alive, leaving him in terrible pain. 

On January 29th at 11 pm, he had a heart attack in the bathroom. My brother called the police and they did cpr on him for about 45 minutes, but it didn’t work. He was pronounced officially dead around 12 am on January 30th.

I feel relief now that he’s gone. I’m relieved he isn’t causing my family anymore pain and he isn’t causing himself anymore pain. I’m also terrible sad. I’m mourning my father and grieving the father that I never had and will never have. It’s been 2 weeks and I still can’t help but feel like he isn’t actually dead. When i was getting ready for his visitation, I almost knocked on his door to tell him to start getting ready. 

I know it’s in my head, but I swear I keep seeing him for a split second and then he’s gone.

is it normal to feel like this? I feel guilty for being relieved that he died. I miss him terribly, but I don’t miss having to worry about coming home to him being drunk. 

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sadandlost

Dear holyhecko,

I'm very sorry for your loss.  Grief can be complicated.  Even when there is a good relationship and nothing to feel guilty about, there is guilt.  I know this because over the past year I have read hundreds of posts and it is a pattern that I've seen over and over again.  Guilt is part of grief.  Also I don't doubt you are still in some kind of shock.  Shock I found lasted about 3 months for me, then reality set in and that brings a whole new set of emotions.  I'm sorry for what you have been through and I'm guessing you are young too?  So must be very hard.  I hope you have a good relationship with your mother and you can talk and share and understand the process of grief.  it is a process.  

I had a terrible father.  There was never a moment throughout my life I loved him.  When he died, I felt nothing.  I didn't mourn the loss of not having a decent dad.  It just wasn't very important.  But I understand your struggle with what you said.  Addiction is terrible and affects everyone around the person.  I'm sorry you have gone through all that.  Maybe you might want to consider getting grief therapy or going to group therapy?  What you've been through is a lot and you can come through it with help.  I hope you will consider that.

I am still very sad my mother is not here but one year on I am coming through the other side of depression and looking forward.  Sadness doesn't go away but I think we get used to it and we have to re shape ourselves gradually over time.  Very sorry for your loss.

Thank you for your words in replying to my post.

 

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reader

Dear Holly,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that everything you are thinking and feeling is normal. Be kind to yourself.

It's so hard to lose a parent. So many things go through our minds. I know how much we all wish things could be different.

Thinking of you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

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