Don't know what to say

[Sunflower2]

On ‎3‎/‎8‎/‎2018 at 5:07 PM, KayC said:

Speaking of dreams, I just ran across this, thought it might be of interest...

On ‎3‎/‎8‎/‎2018 at 5:07 PM, KayC said:

Speaking of dreams, I just ran across this, thought it might be of interest...  ok 

 

wow did I goof with the quote.  interesting and thanks for the share.  couldn't hear Michelle.  did you purchase the book?  Your thoughts.  did you catch his email address to contact him to get ideas on sleep.  I missed that. 

 

 

 I just took some time to read this thread rather than journal.  I understand so much of what everyone has shared.  Its moments like this where I so dearly miss our morning communications.  They were the start of my day.  I realize I have to find a new purpose.  I had a purpose.  Infact I had many purposes prior to Wayne's death.  Being retired I don't have a job to job back into but would that minimize the grief.  I'm leaning toward volunteer work but not jumping into it.  I guess that's the best I can say.  I'm not jumping into anything without thought.  I continue to do things spontaneously as planning is difficult.  The spontaneous activities are doing a salt float or activities I feel comfort in.    Last Friday I went to our happy place.  I reserved a room. I walked the city streets and went to our favorite restaurant.  I felt joy and peace mixed with sadness,  Bittersweet.  I walked the city streets.  I slept the best since September 24th.  Coming home Saturday the grief took over.  The pain of the loss.  I sobbed all the way home.  I mean really sobbed.  Only a 30 minute trip but he had to have me covered.  I crashed once home and curled up in bed. 

[KayC]

I didn't note an email address, sorry!

[Djh0901kc]

My grandma is sick and it doesn’t seem like she’s going to get better. She and my grandpa basically raised me after my father died when I was young. She seems like the only person who understands how I feel since Kayla died. Now I’m going to lose her too. Kayla was supposed to be here to help me through when my grandma eventually passed. What am I supposed to do? I’m all alone and about to lose the only person left on earth who cares. I can’t get through this without her.

[KavitaHubby]

Sorry to hear Djh0901kc. 

 

Hugs

Manoj

[KayC]

Djh,

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma.  It's so hard when it feels like everyone you care about disappears.  I've found that as well, my dad died when I was young but my mom just passed 3 1/2 years ago and I felt like she was the one that understood about George...well she did up until her dementia made her forget him.  Too many losses...

All we can do is continue building relationships, friends, pets...

[Djh0901kc]

In three weeks it will be a year since Kayla died. Since she died the day before her bday it will be that as well. It feels like another lifetime ago. How have I made it this long alone? Why can’t I just be better like everyone wants? I feel like the fact that my wife died is the main thing people think about me now. I’m the sad guy. I don’t want to be that but I don’t know how to be anything else. Even after all this time I still think about her constantly. I still cry most days. I text her all the time. If it isn’t going to get better why can’t it just end? 

[KayC]

It will, but it takes time to process your grief, it took me about three years, yet by no means was my grief over by then, but it does evolve.  It hasn't even been a year for you, be patient with yourself.  It is what it is, regardless of how our grief presents, whether we cry or we're "doing okay" for a while.  Other people's expectations of us have no relevance, we can neither control nor change their reactions to us or hopes for us either.

[Djh0901kc]

Kay I just wanted to say thank you for all the comfort and advice you’ve given me over the last year. In fact, I’d like to thank everyone that has posted here on my thread. Even though I don’t post as often I still get on here to read other people’s writings and feel like I’m not completely alone. I hope everyone is doing as well as they can. Love you all

[LoveGoli]

On 5/30/2018 at 12:17 AM, Djh0901kc said:

Kay I just wanted to say thank you for all the comfort and advice you’ve given me over the last year. In fact, I’d like to thank everyone that has posted here on my thread. Even though I don’t post as often I still get on here to read other people’s writings and feel like I’m not completely alone. I hope everyone is doing as well as they can. Love you all

Its going to be a year soon , we survived one whole year without them wow , I never imagined i could do this but we did it. Soon I and all who joined with me will be in second year , all the best to all people specially Djh, Azipod , because  we all three lost our partners in similar time frame and joined almost together, I remembered my initial days and how we all posted every time here.

Hugs to all.

[KayC]

The people on my forum that were there when I joined and we walked through it together, they will always be very special to me, just as you are feeling with others with your time frame.  I kind of feel hitting the one year mark should be a victory to celebrate, no easy achievement!  I know year two is just as hard, this is indeed a long journey, but that's not to minimize what you've already accomplished...the feat of surviving a year.

[Djh0901kc]

A year ago tomorrow was the last day I ever had with Kayla. She died shortly after midnight so all the official documents say she died on the 17th but to me the 16th will always be what I remember. It was the last day I saw her big brown eyes and ran my fingers through her beautiful brown hair. It was the last time we shared a meal. The last time I kissed her lips. Smelled her perfume. The last time she wore my favorite yellow dress. A year ago tomorrow was the last time I spoke our language to someone who understood it. The last time I heard her say I love you. The last time I wasn’t truly alone. The last day life was ok.

[Djh0901kc]

I love you baby. My sweet Yogi Bear

[LoveGoli]

20 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

A year ago tomorrow was the last day I ever had with Kayla. She died shortly after midnight so all the official documents say she died on the 17th but to me the 16th will always be what I remember. It was the last day I saw her big brown eyes and ran my fingers through her beautiful brown hair. It was the last time we shared a meal. The last time I kissed her lips. Smelled her perfume. The last time she wore my favorite yellow dress. A year ago tomorrow was the last time I spoke our language to someone who understood it. The last time I heard her say I love you. The last time I wasn’t truly alone. The last day life was ok.

Next month its going to be year for.me too, last time he called me moti , last time i saw him and gave him his last bath, and last time i shouted on him bcs he was saying to me to.go home bcs i was tired and he thought he will be fine and i can meet him next morning in hospital. I wish i didn't shout on him, i wish i kissed him or told him that how much i love him but instead of saying all this i shouted on him bcs i didn't want him to leave him in hospital alone and he was worried about me.

Djh you are not alone we all are here , message me if you want to talk.

[KayC]

Djh,

Thinking of you, I know your heart is full, wishing you some peace in your day.

My husbands birthday was Thursday...tomorrow and Tuesday will be the anniversary of his death because he died Father's Day, June 19, 2005.  I've found that day doesn't get easier.  June is hard.

I am super sick so cannot get out and spend the day with friends...having an extremely bad reaction to an antibiotic and even though it's been six days since I've taken it, I'm getting worse.  The doctor said my body is full of infection, I just hope to God this clears up soon, never been in so much pain!

[Sunflower2]

15 hours ago, KayC said:

I am super sick so cannot get out and spend the day with friends...having an extremely bad reaction to an antibiotic and even though it's been six days since I've taken it, I'm getting worse.  The doctor said my body is full of infection, I just hope to God this clears up soon, never been in so much pain!

please keep us in the loop!  Hope you are feeling somewhat better by the time you read this.

[KayC]

I'm a smidgen improved, but still quite miserable.  Went to the doctor Friday (120 mile trip there and the pharmacy) and felt that was wasted effort.  Haven't been given any directives or suggestions what to eat, what to avoid, how to get well or prognosis time.  Will have to go back to the doctor if this doesn't improve but not up to doing it.  Catch 22!

 

[Djh0901kc]

Today would have been our 16th anniversary and 12th wedding anniversary. Mostly I’m just tired. Tired of being sad. Tired of missing her. Tired of going on. Hopefully it will be over soon.

[HPB]

I feel with you, @Djh0901kc

September 9th, in eight days from now, will be my 9th wedding anniversary. We married on 09/09/2009.

I joined this sad club only recently, but I was reading through your whole (35pages) thread quite some time ago. 

We're in the same shoes, we miss our beloved wife's forever. And it hurts to lonely remain here on Earth in a way that - as far as I'm concerned - only the outlook for being reunited (once we are released here) makes it possible to take another day, and one more, ...

1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

Hopefully it will be over soon.

Same here.

Take care!

 

 

[KayC]

Djh,

I keep waiting for the year when our anniversary goes by unnoticed, I guess that will be the day I've fully adjusted...it hasn't happened yet.  It's been 13 years since he died.  He's been gone from me twice as long as I knew him, had him in my life.  How can that be possible?  He was the single biggest influence on my life, he was everything to me.

And you...now facing your anniversary again.  I never have figured out what to do with them.  How do you celebrate an anniversary with someone who is gone?  I'm sorry, it's another reminder and it's hard to get through.  I guess all we can do is be thankful for the years we had, but at the same time we so miss them, so much!

[LoveGoli]

4 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Today would have been our 16th anniversary and 12th wedding anniversary. Mostly I’m just tired. Tired of being sad. Tired of missing her. Tired of going on. Hopefully it will be over soon.

Waiting for that day when this all pain will be over.

[JBSC01]

7 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Mostly I’m just tired. Tired of being sad. Tired of missing her. Tired of going on. Hopefully it will be over soon.

SAME

[Djh0901kc]

So lonely

[Azipod]

5 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

So lonely

Me too.   Today is our wedding anniversary.  Took the day off work, did what I had to do today, and now I'm home... alone.     This is my life.  It's not getting any better.

[Djh0901kc]

I know it’s a rough day. Unfortunately, like you said, this is life. No one who knows us or ever will again. Just loneliness. Hang in there. I wish I had something better to offer

[HPB]

same. sorrow, sad, lonely.

[KayC]

Azipod, I never have figured out what to say to people going through a wedding anniversary alone, it's hard, I know.  The day that was the happiest day in the world for us is now a painful reminder of what and whom I am missing.  

Djh, you too, I know it's hard.  You do get used to it after a while, not sure if that's any consolation though, and there's still the times it really hits us, like, I mean, we want them BACK!

[ModKatB]

This is a long and very emotional journey that takes a toll on you physically and emotionally. Then you also have to deal with all of the "normal" things that come with life. I wish there were some way to magically fix all of our pain and fears but there isn't. So even though it doesn't change anything just remember you are not alone and that we are all trying to get thru the next moment. 

[Djh0901kc]

Man reading the early pages of this are like a knife. I can’t believe it’s been so long.

[Djh0901kc]

Does anyone hear from Eagle, or KMB, or Francine? I worry about everyone now after what happened with TooDevastated

[HPB]

On 11/9/2018 at 4:04 AM, Djh0901kc said:

Does anyone hear from Eagle, or KMB, or Francine? I worry about everyone now after what happened with TooDevastated

...try to put it this way:  @Eagle-96  @KMB  @Francine   

...maybe it will trigger an email from the forum to them allowing them hopefully to respond.

 

[KayC]

I heard from KMB a short time ago, she's doing okay, has eyesight problems that make it difficult to be on here.  Haven't heard from Eagle in a LONG time, was just wondering about him the other day.  I heard a very brief response from Andy...during the hurricane I reached out to him because it was supposed to hit GA, but he said it missed them.  It's been a while with Francine too but I'm sure she's fine, she's a strong woman.  

[Eagle-96]

I can assure you all that I am alive and well. I don't find my way to the board as often but i still read every now and again. I am not sure I would have made it through the early days without this board and the compassion that was displayed to me in my darkest hours. You ALL have my gratitude and my never ending thanks for saving me. I am in a place now where my anxiety(which I never had before) has hit full bore(but I am keeping it in check). My first panic attack was frightening to say the least. I started to see a therapist as well as meditating which have both been an amazing help on the journey. I think about the members on this board often and each of your journeys as well. I hate that we are here but will be forever grateful to have crossed your paths as it was oftentimes the thread that kept my hanging on. My new mantra has been: "Nobody asked to be here, but here we are". It keeps me balanced in that I didn't ask to be a widower, nor did any of you, but here we are and I aim to do the best with the hand I was dealt. I know that's easier said than done. Making the best of THIS situation can be Herculean most times and impossible at others. I keep putting myself into Lori's shoes and contemplating how she would have navigated these waters. I also ask myself "What would I want for Lori if she were here". It puts things into perspective for me. It leads me to the conclusion that I would want her happiness. I would want her to live her best life. I would want her to fulfill the dreams we didn't have the chance to. So I guess I choose to be the best version of Sean I can be every day. To not take anything for granted. To not waste those seconds and minutes that I thought we would have together. It's not easy but it helps me to have that perspective. It helps me to have that direction. My wish this Thanksgiving is for each of you to find your peace. To find something that approaches joy. To be the person your spouse/significant other fell in love with.

[HPB]

 

12 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

 I am in a place now where my anxiety(which I never had before) has hit full bore(but I am keeping it in check). My first panic attack was frightening to say the least.

I saddens me that there is not only the devastating, shattering loss we have to deal with, but also with additional issues like panic attacks which are suddenly coming out of nowhere to make life even harder. Shifting the situation from unbearable to ...?

I can really not understand why we have to go through this torture? Because the "crime" we committed is that we loved and still love our spouse infinitely?!

Djh mentioned to worry about a couple of people not seen on the forum for a longer period. When I read - a couple of months ago already - all the postings of the thread/of the fate of @bradley1985, I thought I'm reading my own story. The same utter desperation, a very special situation of the spouse being EVERYTHING,  no own kids,  living overseas, being (intentionally) quite isolated because having each other (= enough = happiness!). No social network because living abroad. But living in a wonderful fairy tale ...that came to a horrific end. Being left here on earth alone, without any dependents.

"Not good ingredients" ...  I'm very worried about bradley1985, he didn't respond to 2 personal messages I sent to him. If anybody has a private contact/email address to reach out to him, I would be more than happy to get him back here for a sign of life.

 

[KayC]

@HPB  It depends on how Bradley's notifications were set up, he may or may not realize he has messages.  It's common for people to come here for a time and then to stop coming, that happens a lot, or maybe they check in once a year or something.  It does help to know there's someone else that's been down this road, someone you can relate to.

@Eagle-96  It's good to her from you, you were one of the positive posters here and also the other grief site, I've noticed your absence.  Glad you're meditating, it's helpful, practicing living in the present has been very helpful to me (the other site has a LOT of meditations).  So glad you checked in!  I hope your anxiety lessens as I think it will.  I haven't had a panic attack in years now.  It helps to find that balance in life...it took me years to process George's death, years more to find purpose, and years more yet to build a life I could live.  I'm at peace now...that doesn't mean there aren't those times that's really hard having him gone, but most of my day by day existence I'm doing okay.

[Eagle-96]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

 

@Eagle-96  It's good to her from you, you were one of the positive posters here and also the other grief site, I've noticed your absence.  Glad you're meditating, it's helpful, practicing living in the present has been very helpful to me (the other site has a LOT of meditations).  So glad you checked in!  I hope your anxiety lessens as I think it will.  I haven't had a panic attack in years now.  It helps to find that balance in life...it took me years to process George's death, years more to find purpose, and years more yet to build a life I could live.  I'm at peace now...that doesn't mean there aren't those times that's really hard having him gone, but most of my day by day existence I'm doing okay.

I will forever be indebted to those on the site that were there to help carry me when I couldn't do it myself. I liken the journey to hearing people(widows and widowers) speak a language that I could not comprehend nor understand. The day I became a widower I spoke it fluently. It was a shock to the system I never could have anticipated, no matter how many words I could have received. However, the advice I received from day one on this site was invaluable. The members taught me that what I was thinking wasn't crazy. You guys helped me to anticipate the thoughts, feelings, and emotions I would, and still do, go through. You helped me to understand that I was NOT ALONE in this journey. That was key to navigating these waters. Knowing that I was not alone.

 

My problem with anxiety came to a head in July of this year. I had my first panic attack and had no experience with them. I thought I was dying which only exacerbated the issue. I thought I could walk this walk without professional help and I was wrong. I'm stubborn that way. I'll be on the board from time to time and will post when I can. It's good to touch base.

 

 

[KayC]

Sean, I went through that too in the earlier years, I literally thought I was having a heart attack.  I remember keeping someone on the phone with me so they could get help if need be.  I used to suffer anxiety attacks every Friday around 3 pm at work in anticipation of the weekend letdown.  I have hopes for you that this will improve as you get the help with it you need.  Wishing you well today...

[KMB]

Sean, I am still here also. I have come on here a couple times to read, but, it is was not easy or doable to respond. Seeing the pain of others, along with my own, was generating itself into a test I had to take a break from and process through. Feeling the emotional pain of others, causes a person to do a lot of questioning and thinking of our existence. We are the  reluctant survivors of the most horrendous tragedy to befall a person. A home, a car, a job, are replaceable. A beloved person is not. It is comparable to the loss of a limb and living with that ghost pain forever.

[KayC]

@KMB
 

You have been greatly missed here, but I understand, sometimes we need to just sit with our pain.  

[Djh0901kc]

Been so so lonely lately. Missing little things that I thought I had gotten used to. The road in front is seeming unbearable again.

[HPB]

11 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Been so so lonely lately. Missing little things that I thought I had gotten used to. The road in front is seeming unbearable again.

Yesterday I was thinking of you. Yesterday was 8 months since my angel, my dear Keiko passed on. And you came again to my mind, because I was asking myself; how can he cope, how can he endure this sad path we're on, and you walked many miles more than I did so far.

Yesterday I decorated my small "altar" of Keiko's pictures with 8 Roses, and I lighted 8 candles. I talked to Keiko and hoped she is listening.

Today after waking up I feel again in hellish loneliness. My broken heart in utter pain, hardly able to breathe.

Indeed, the road in front is seeming unbearable. My heart goes out to you.

[Djh0901kc]

The Kayla dreams are still nearly constant after a year and a half. And I still don’t know if they’re a blessing or torture. She’s alive again. I hear her voice. I see her smile. I touch her skin. But then the inevitable crushing blow when I wake up. No she isn’t there. It wasn’t real. I am alone. Hope everyone made through the holidays. Thinking of you all as we get ready to start another year on this road.

[Djh0901kc]

Just woke up from a strange dream and wanted to jot it down before it slips away. I dream about Kayla most nights but this was a new one. I was at a museum with Kayla’s grandmother, who passed away several years ago, and a girl I think is Kayla. As we are walking around the museum Kayla’s grandma explains that this is Kayla’s twin sister. She looks and sounds exactly the same but everything else is just slightly different. Kaylas favorite color was yellow so hers is orange. Kayla loved sharks and this person loves dolphins. I had an overwhelming desire to protect her. Not much else happened in the dream that I can remember I was just struck by how strange it was the second I woke up. 19 months after Kayla passed this is one of the weirdest dreams I can recall.

[Brazil Man]

On 12/27/2018 at 9:49 AM, Djh0901kc said:

The Kayla dreams are still nearly constant after a year and a half. And I still don’t know if they’re a blessing or torture. She’s alive again. I hear her voice. I see her smile. I touch her skin. But then the inevitable crushing blow when I wake up. No she isn’t there. It wasn’t real. I am alone. Hope everyone made through the holidays. Thinking of you all as we get ready to start another year on this road.

Almost every night and I dream about Rosana, my wife. In my dreams she 's alive.
Rare are the dreams in which I know she is dead.

[KayC]

That is one of the puzzlements I have, I rarely have a dream with him in it, or if I do, I don't remember them.  For someone who was everything in the world to me, we were each other's world, I find this odd.  All our time off work we spent together, he even called me on his breaks!  I would love to have a dream with him in it, just to have him back for a moment...

[Djh0901kc]

Does anyone notice that after your partner passed that you’ve picked up habits and traits from them that you did not have while they were alive? For example, one thing Kayla and I occasionally argued about was her spending on non essential things. Now I find that I buy things left and right without even thinking about it that I never would have before. I now listen to current pop music that Kayla loved even though I never did before. She would always be so brave and try any and all new foods that I wouldn’t touch. Now I’ll try anything. Is this normal?

[Sunflower2]

@Djh0901kc yes just a few here and there and it makes me smile. it's all so very beautiful.  Happens too when we lose our parents. 

[KayC]

I find my life becoming more and more a repeat of my mom's...she was a widow for 33 years, Lord I hope I don't live that long.

[Djh0901kc]

It’s been so long now that Kayla has been gone. These days it seems like the 15 years together are some false memory. It’s hard to believe there was ever a time when I wasn’t alone like this. 

People have just accepted and expect that I’m fine now. I’m sure I seem like it on the outside. I don’t talk about Kayla much with anyone anymore because I feel like people will think it’s strange that I’m still so fucked up. In truth, I still want to talk about her nearly constantly if for no other reason than to keep her in my memory. I’m so terrified of forgetting any little thing. She’s still all I think about. I still text her every day and talk to her when I’m alone. I’ve gotten strange with things she bought or got for me. For instance, there’s a bottle of body wash in my closet that I haven’t used because she got it. Nothing special. Just a routine errand. But it’s something she touched. Those items are limited in the world now. There will never be another trip to the store where she picks me up a bottle of body wash or a tube of toothpaste or anything. 

A couple weeks ago it was my birthday. I didn’t do anything. I went to work then went home. I didn’t talk to anyone at all. I just remembered the trips she used to plan for my birthday every year and wished for her back.

Its been a bad day today and I can never quite understand where they come from. I came home from work and started throwing in a load of laundry. I got to a T-shirt Kayla had bought me and realized the design was starting to wear off. It probably can’t survive many more washings. So the choice is to stop wearing something she got me or to keep wearing it and see it destroyed. They’re just stupid material things but the thought sent me crumpling to the floor crying in front of the washing machine. It’s been almost two years and I’m still this much of a mess. 

I hate this. I am so so lonely for my wife.

[JES]

@Djh0901kc  My heart just breaks for you, but am glad you came back to talk about Kayla, and what your feeling,  I think we all are understanding how our grief has no timeline. Its so strange, but you were in my thoughts alot yesterday, wondering how you were doing. Your postings were one of the first I read after my loss, and they were so sad and so much raw emotion, and I so hoped you were doing better.   Its ok to still feel this way, and to want to hang on to anything that reminds you of her. My daughter still has afew things of her fiance's that died over 15 yrs. ago, and if it helps at all, she has the memories and talks about him still.  The special events,  your birthday,  your 2 yearscoming up,  etc. seem to make our grief worse.  There is a Chat room now, I haven't used it, but it may be something you might may have an interest in. As I understand they also have group chats. That way you could talk, and not have to hold back , as we tend to do cause everyone in our everyday life thinks we should've moved on.  A little tip ( you may be doing already)  wash that t- shirt inside out,  it helps save the design from wearing as fast.  Come back and talk as much as you want,  we are all here for each other, we do care. Hugs

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

These days it seems like the 15 years together are some false memory.

We were just talking about this in another thread.  It's weird how it feels like a movie we watched instead of our life.
It's also weird how people can think we're fine or that we somehow got over this.  That's what they don't get, there's no end to grief.