How long does this last?

[Donna7431]

The aching pain. The constant feeling of I need to tell him about this! Waking in the morning and trying to shake off the nightmare! Contacting all of his email to unsubscribe? Finally dropping his phone number to lower the bill? Really? Should I have kept that line on? My god. I am a wreck today. I actually had to send another death certificate in to somebody, this time for Identity Alert so they would quit sending alerts about changes in his credit file. When he first passed I can remember thinking I wish summer were over. That played in my head as a safer time, I need time to pass. How long does this last? I want to wake up in the morning and think about anything else. I remain in shock. He drove  himself to the hospital for an X-ray. It showed pneumonia so they decided to keep him overnight for IV antibiotics. He passed three weeks later after becoming septic, blood clots....I want to wake up. 

 

[Francine]

Donna7431

I know only too well the pain you are feeling.   It's been roughly 5 months since my Charles was taken from me and like you, I feel I'm dreaming and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to wake up from this nightmare. Our minds don't want to accept what our hearts feel.  The pain is so intense that it literally rips your insides out.  There is no way you can fully express the pain of losing someone so close and people just can't understand the pain you have endured.  I just feel pain; a lot of it.  I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.  People keep telling me that life goes on (as if I really want to hear that crap) but to me, that's the saddest part - it will move on without my Charles.  All we can do is deal with things the best we can with the support of family and friends who care enough to support us through the toughest time of our lives. I know this transformation is painful and it feels like you're falling apart; but you're not; you're just falling into something different with a new capacity to be beautiful.

There's absolutely no time limit on grief so don't rush yourself or let others rush you. Grieving is a process; a process of the shock, the anger, and then the coping. In order to move forward, you have to experience all levels and sometimes you'll need help with that.   The only way past the pain is through it.  Pain, grief  anger, misery - they don't go away, they just increase and compound and get worse.  I think we must live through them, acknowledge them, and give your pain its due. 

You remain in shock when your world falls to pieces and everything and everyone around you carries on with life.  You wonder how can the birds continue to sing? How can people carry on loving life?  Its almost as if you have been frozen in time and are now watching life as a movie.  The weeks and months roll by and life becomes real again but you will never forget that point in time when your life stood still.

You say you want to wake up? I don't know about that - when I'm asleep, I'm in another world, with my Charles and all is well; but when I wake up - I'm in hell. 

I'm sorry you had to join the website; but know that you are not alone.  I hope you continue to post; there are some wonderful people here who will support, comfort and encourage you through this journey.    Know that many blessings are being sent your way.   God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe. Stay strong and encouraged.

[Donna7431]

Francine, your response moved me to tears. You so eloquently expressed exactly how this feels. My first thought after reality hits, every single morning, "please, Jesus, get me through this day". My only family is my 92 year old mother who is demented with low mobility. And I have four cats. These are my only reasons to keep moving. Have you lost weight through all this? Have you noticed yourself walking excessively slowly from room to room? 

[Andy]

3 hours ago, Donna7431 said:

Francine, your response moved me to tears. You so eloquently expressed exactly how this feels. My first thought after reality hits, every single morning, "please, Jesus, get me through this day". My only family is my 92 year old mother who is demented with low mobility. And I have four cats. These are my only reasons to keep moving. Have you lost weight through all this? Have you noticed yourself walking excessively slowly from room to room? 

Donna, I'm sorry for your loss, loss of your beloved and loss of the world you once knew. I lost both of mine to, December 31st, 2016. My wife passed away from septic shock. Causes unknown. She was 42.

As Francine said, somehow we must push through this wall of sorrow, against all intuition we must force ourselves to continue. Especially when it's the last thing you want to do. 

I have my 21 year old daughter, my parents and a few pets, that's my family. Whether 7 or 700 people, I'm alone. The loneliness is the most crippling of emotions, aside from the devastation of losing my sweet wife, it has turned my life inside out. Walking room to room, aimlessly, no hurry, no rush because it doesn't matter. I have no one to share with, no one who cares. Finding myself unable to make a decision, can't figure out what to do or why. This is all part of our journey now. I'm so very sorry you're on this path, God knows the pain we all suffer, the never ending pain, and this path is so very crowded. As time slips by, it carries us further from our last moments together, tries to steal our memories, its all so cruel. Living in this reality where no one understands and no one cares. They have their own life to live, as it should be, but it leaves us feeling so alone and helpless. I didn't know it was possible for someone to hurt this much and still live. 

I wish I had the words to help you or bring you comfort.   Some days I can't think much of anything worth getting up for, on those days though, I try to think about what my wife wants. She wants me to get up, to live, even if it's to eat, or wash clothes, or to tell my daughter that I love her. Sometimes it doesn't matter why, just that we do.

My emotional state is a bit shaky right now, I'm really, really missing my wife. As you do, I need my beloved, need her to simply reassure me with a smile or to squeeze my hand. I wish I had more to offer, I'm a bit in need myself. I'll be thinking of you though, peace and comfort find you,

Andy

[Francine]

8 hours ago, Donna7431 said:

"please, Jesus, get me through this day". My only family is my 92 year old mother who is demented with low mobility. And I have four cats. These are my only reasons to keep moving. Have

I'm a strong believer in prayer and God, and if not for my both; I know I could not have made it thus far.  It's good to hear you have reasons to keep moving; that's a step toward healing. Sometimes God will take away someone or something we never expected we'd lose, but HE WILL replace it with something we never in our wildest dreams imagined we could have.  Occasionally, God's blessing are not in what HE gives, but in what HE takes away.  HE has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggle and a reward for your trust and faithfulness.  HE knows best; all we have to do is trust HIM.

 

5 hours ago, Andy said:

Whether 7 or 700 people, I'm alone. The loneliness is the most crippling of emotions, aside from the devastation of losing my sweet wife, it has turned my life inside out. Walking room to room, aimlessly, no hurry, no rush because it doesn't matter. I have no one to share with, no one who cares. Finding myself unable to make a decision, can't figure out what to do or why. This is all part of our journey now.

 

Your words are so true.  I do feel alone and loneliness is definitely crippling.  But somehow, through it all, we must go on - I think that is what our loved ones would want of us - I know my Charles would have.  I can almost hear him saying, "Franny, you've got to move on - I don't want you to go through the rest of your life miserable".  Andy, I use to think nothing matters, but I'm beginning to have a change of heart (well today, anyway).   Things do matter, because Charles mattered and always will; because he mattered, I matter, our children matter, our grandchilden matter.   Life matters because it is a priceless gift from God and what we do with that gift, is our gift to God.  

I know I'm rambling, I guess grief has me in its grip again and who knows, tomorrow I might feel totally different.  God Bless you, bless us all

 

 

[KMB]

Donna7431, Welcome to your new family here. Francine and Andy expressed it all so well. My heart is touched with even more sorrow whenever another finds this forum .It means another loss of someone's soulmate. You were led here for a reason. It is only us who have experienced this loss, where you will find the truest understanding and support.

i am deeply sorry for your loss. I'm sure you have heard that many times already. Words do seem inadequate, but really, what can a person say? The heart felt intent is behind those words. You are blessed to have your mom and cats to help keep you getting up each day. I know how hard and painful each day is for you. This is how we get through this journey. One day at a time. We have to be mindful that we are still being blessed with life, grateful for all we still do have. Our eventual reward is eternal life with our soulmates and the rest of our loved ones. For myself, that is what I hang onto by a thread most days.

Prayers of peace, comfort and (HUGS)

[KayC]

Donna,

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband, and for your having to be here, but I want you to know you've found some good people that get how you feel.  My pets keep me going, I try to look for what good there still is, even if it's small, it helps, it's an exercise, sometimes it's a stretch, but I keep trying.  

Taking care of all of these things we have to do when they die is hard, it demands from us when we least have anything in us to give.  You'll get through it.  My mom passed from dementia 2 1/2 years ago, I miss her still, always will.  My dog and cat are what I'm here for.

Like KMB, I look forward to being with my husband again, I hope it's not too many years more.

[Donna7431]

Why does it seem so many here are wishing for a death sooner than later? Does anybody rally? Is anybody as happy now as they were before, of course in a different way? I'm 61. If I live till I'm 85 will every day be wanting my demise? When does it go away? 

[AceBasin]

2 hours ago, Donna7431 said:

Why does it seem so many here are wishing for a death sooner than later? Does anybody rally? Is anybody as happy now as they were before, of course in a different way? I'm 61. If I live till I'm 85 will every day be wanting my demise? When does it go away? 

Donna7431, that is a great question. Trajectories are different for everyone. My guess, and it is only that, is that the highest number of total posts are by those in the first six months or so after loss. This site is very helpful for those in the acute phases of grief (who all seem to have almost the identical feelings and reactions, but are especially in need of the friendship of like minded widows and widowers). There are some very understanding and sympathetic veterans that help new members through this very difficult time. The assistance provided in those acute phases that is provided by this group is valuable,and is hard for many to find anywhere else.

At some point for a percentage, but not all, things may change. I have noticed that the frequency of posting decreases or stops for many (again, just an unscientific observation) at about the one year mark. Some have expressed concern or uncertainties about the changes they were feeling or experiencing.

I  wish that some that have experienced a moderate to better improvement over the course of a year would post as to what they found helpful and what they would suggest. or recommend, as well as things they wish they had avoided.

[Donna7431]

Well explained. I also wish to hear from those who are a year out. Life goes on, but will we really be happy again or just able to go through one day without tears and shaking your fist at God? 

[KayC]

It's been almost 12 years for me.  It seems hard to believe, in light of the fact I didn't see how I could do a year.  But time has a way of marching on whether it's stood still for us or not.  I couldn't see how the sun could keep on shining when my whole world had crashed!  Everyone went back to their lives, but mine was gone!  

I've learned to do a day at a time.  I just have to do today and then tomorrow get up and do it all over again.  I still can't look at the whole "rest of my life", it's too much.  I have to do it in bite-able chunks.

This was something that shook my faith to the core.  I couldn't really pray that first year, but it came back, I finally realized God had nothing to do with it, life/death happens, and there's no rhyme or reason who it happens to and who is left unscathed.  At least that's how I see it.  I can't believe in a God that would purposefully take my soul mate away and not care how I felt about it!  I see God more as someone who was here all the time, under-girding me when I didn't even realize it.  I wasn't done with George yet, but I guess fate or whatever didn't much care.  We WILL be together again, and that keeps me going.  The one thing we need in life is hope.

Happy?  Not as we used to be.  Some go on to find a new love and they seem happy.  There's only one George, no one else is even in his class, not for me.  I find bits of joy, as I mentioned in my previous response to you.  I have learned to embrace them.  I have my furbabies, my grandchildren.  I have learned to look for, embrace, and appreciate what joy there is, even if it's small or fleeting.  Practicing living in the present moment.

 

[AceBasin]

Donna7431- a follow up. I had an appointment with a psychologist today (well-qualified, many years' experience in grief matters) and asked hm the questions you posted, during my visit. With many of the usual caveats, and I am substituting my terms for his, he said that at six months many people noticed an improvement, and at the year mark most did. He also said that while a !00% back to pre-loss status was rare, an excellent improvement was probable and frequent, and most people reconciled to the loss, enjoyed life and were generally happy.

He said that wishing for a sooner death was very concerning and probably indicated an underlying problem other than grief.

He also said that posts to online groups (after the acute period)  were probably not reflective of the population of grieving spouses in general because those improving and doing better tended not to post.

[Donna7431]

Omg. AceBasin, thank you so much for this report. This is exactly what I needed to hear. This is what I hoped, thought the real answer was. Bless you . You have no idea how helpful this is for me.a

[KMB]

AceBasin, I am in *general* agreement with your post back to Donna. We do have to maintain hope that our lives will improve. I know for myself, my life will never regain pre-loss status. That will be impossible, my husband was unique and no one will *match up* and I have no interest in that direction. At my 6th month mark, I was a total basket case. Reality was biting hard and my mind and my heart were in constant conflict. Yes, I have progressed since then, but I put in the hard work to get myself beyond that self destructing period.I knew that I could not allow myself to stay stuck in the miserable time warp of wanting my husband back. By mid-August, I will be at the year mark. I have no clue what my state of mind will be then. Will I make more progress? I don't know. Right now, I am still unhappy. It is said that happiness is a state of mind. We have to put ourselves into a happy state and be consistent with maintaining that state. Will I ever be able to do that? Only God knows.

4 hours ago, AceBasin said:

He said that wishing for a sooner death was very concerning and probably indicated an underlying problem other than grief.

I don't know if wishing for a sooner death is what anyone really means. For me, in my age bracket, I might have 10 to 30 years left. We all want to be with our spouses/partners and sooner than later is preferred naturally, especially during the early months of grieving, maybe even beyond for some of us. Especially for those of us who have little or no family and the same with friendships. 60% of spouses die within the first 4 years of losing a spouse. Due to lack of family/social support. We are not guaranteed tomorrow and the best we can do is take it day by day. This grief journey and healing process is very personalized. We all have to find our own way.

[KMB]

AceBasin, KayC has been my role model for this forum. It was by reading her posts for a couple of days that had me becoming a member. Prior to my loss, I've never joined any chat groups or forums. My husband provided me with anything I needed. I plan on being here giving comfort and encouragement long past my year mark. My way of giving back what everyone here has given me.

[AceBasin]

KMB- I am very thankful for all of the experienced members that assist those of us early on in the process. I also know that it is extremely hard to prove a general rule from specific situations and appreciate the advice from a qualified expert psychologist that has seen 1000's of cases. Everyone's recovery process differs and some may never recover, although the vast majority eventually do. Those that have made progress may want to assist those in the process, and I am thankful for their posts. I wish more past the one year mark would post.

I have also been concerned about the sooner death wishes that Donna7431 mentioned. Within the past hour there has been a post trying to assist someone with "suicidal thoughts"  with among other things an "organic diet."

[KMB]

AceBasin,  I read the same post you are referring to. I have no real good advice, due to myself being in that place, not too long ago. I think someone suggested getting help in talking to someone asap. Which is what I did for myself when I found myself so low one day and no one available to talk to. I ended up calling the suicide helpline. Not because I had the intent, but I so desperately needed someone to listen and to hear another persons voice. I've been going through my grieving mostly alone and there are plenty of times I get so lonely for my husband. I've since learned that suicidal ideologies go with the territory of grieving. It is a good thing to have evolved through that terrible phase.

[AceBasin]

Suicidal or early death thoughts do not have any place in the normal grieving process. They may be indicative of an underlying pathology or complicated grief, which both need well-qualified professional assistance, and suicidal expressions (even to a hotline)  may place an obligation on a professional to contact emergency protective services. .

Loneliness is perhaps the toughest issue, but professionals and recovery groups may help.

[KMB]

AceBasin, I was involved in a grief support group. I wasn't getting what I needed from it. It was run like a classroom. The coordinator works from a hospice office. There was a set protocol policy she had to follow. So,in all fairness, I couldn't fault her. She read to us from grief articles taken from a workbook and we were handed copies to follow along. Time was limited to an hour and a half. Little or no interaction was allowed. I did talk to the coordinator a couple of times by phone whereby she would try to encourage me to come back. I explained my situation to her and she diagnosed me with complicated grief. This coordinator did confide she wishes to enhance the program and to be able to have a professional counselor on board but she has to stay in the confines of the county policies. I live in an isolated, country community of small towns. Resources are hard to come by. I had to travel 20 miles one way at night for this service. The next closest support group was through a church 60 miles away. The coordinator gave me the name of a counselor, there are no professional grief counselors available in this area either. I did check into the name provided. The woman was not trained in grieving, more for family type counseling.

I have been doing my own grief work. This is by far the hardest trial in my life to experience. Especially so, since I used to have my husband by my side through other challenges. There have been many times throughout these months that I wish for my grandpa to be here, since he went on for another 29 years without my grandma. How did he cope? I imagine it was his deep religious faith that kept him going. people have been dealing with loss and grief since the beginning of time. Back then it was sheer grit and more tightly bonded family and friendships that provided support. If my ancestors could cope with loss, without grief counselors, computers, etc., then there is certainly hope for me as well.

I respect your posts. You have much to offer in the way of advice/suggestions and you truly care.Your words are well thought out before written. You have been a help and inspiration while going through your own journey. Thank you.

[AceBasin]

Thank you KMB. I very much appreciate your posts and those by KayC and others.

One of the positive things about an online group that the psychologist mentioned was the validation of your symptoms in the very early months. It was very helpful to me to read that almost everyone was experiencing the same things I was. I doubt I had cried in 40 or 50 years. All of a sudden I could not stop, and did not know of another widower to ask what they went through. It was a relief to read that almost everyone did the same thing.

The grief counselor explained to me later that it was perfectly normal and expected, that grief did not proceed in neat stages, but in waves, but that the waves decreased in intensity and frequency, but to fully embrace the waves when they came.

My concern with the sooner death and suicidal thoughts posts is that I do not want them to provide validity to others experiencing them. Those are always a cause for concern and not something that members here should try to resolve, and should be something that a moderator or facilitator could quickly shift to a private correspondence and referral.

I am fortunate to have a very good group and excellent doctors. My last group session was helpful in answering Donna 7431's question. Those of us within six months of the loss would get teary eyed when speaking about our experience and express  profound feelings of loneliness. Those a year or more out would smile and actually seemed to be happy when talking about their spouse. Their questions involved relationships with children and families and talked about positive changes in their life. It was not just a psychologist telling me that things often improved, i saw it.

There may be some very well qualified counselors or psychologists in a a large city near you that would be willing to have telephone sessions with you, as I agree that resources are very limited in rural areas. .

[KayC]

It is common to feel suicidal in grief, particularly a loss such as this in the early days of grief.  SO IMPORTANT NOT TO ACT ON IT!  We have to give ourselves time to find hope!

I don't know that wanting to die sooner rather than later is nothing more than grief rearing it's head...is your counselor a professional grief counselor?  Because many regular counselors are not trained in grief and do not understand it.

I realized soon on that it is not that I wanted to die, but rather that I did not want to go through what I'd have to go through if I lived.  I had to learn to do that, and I'm glad I did.

Keep coming here, this is a path that will help you through your grief.

[KMB]

Thank you, KayC. I did get myself beyond the *suicidal* thought phase. I feel it IS part of the early days/months process. We so much want to be with our spouses/partners that our minds just naturally go that route for a spell. I didn't really think of it as suicide though. It was mostly the wanting and yearning to be where our loved one is. And, you are so right about it being important NOT to act on those thoughts. My soul would have been disappointed in me, God would have been disappointed, but forgiving and understanding, but most important I do NOT want to disappoint my husband either. I valued his opinions and wise advice and I know he wants the best for me. I need his approval and pride in me when we are reunited. Grieving, to me. is like an octopus. All those tentacles with suction cups just looking for opportunities to pull you into the grief pit and keep you there in misery.

[Autocharge]

On 5/6/2017 at 10:11 PM, Donna7431 said:

Have you lost weight through all this? Have you noticed yourself walking excessively slowly from room to room? 

Hi donna, Yes I have lost weight 45 lbs (I'm now 188lbs at 5'11") and the spare tire I carried for many years is now gone. I just all but stopped eating, never stepped foot in a gym. I do find my self walking in circles in the house ( living room-hallway-game room-kitchen-living room) again and again. I so wanted to go into the next room and see her in the chair or cooking in the kitchen or playing pool. I think it brings back memories. I have been warned about loosing weight, in some cases it not only sign of depression but can lead to health problems. I have a main thread "Autocharge my experience " were I speak of many things. I will add this topic to my thread. Thank you for asking the questions.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")