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 I started searching this forum for what, I didn’t know.
I ran across the section" Coping with Terminal Illness & Upcoming Death”. I read a couple of post. I remembered those days, months, those YEARS. That we the family spent so much of our time in. I remembered all the fear, all the questions that we endured. I can't express the feelings of sorrow I felt for the people posting in that section. A C&P "For fear of my mom being gone and for hoping she goes before she becomes bed ridden and feeling horrible and guilty for thinking that! " I can see this persons future.
 Nothing I could say would be of any value to them.  I couldn't post their. 
 
Sometimes when you search, you don't like what you find.
 
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Autocharge, what a wonderful slideshow of your wife, your family, your life.   What a beautiful, courageous woman she was.  Thank you for sharing her with us.  

Sending strength and hugs.

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On 5/29/2017 at 5:15 AM, M88 said:

Autocharge, what a wonderful slideshow of your wife, your family, your life.   What a beautiful, courageous woman she was.  Thank you for sharing her with us.  

Sending strength and hugs.

M88, Thank you

You reminded me of an event. It was Senior night for FootBall players at the High School ( thats a big deal for us Texas people football is king). My wife was gathering up her things and things for the team getting ready to leave. On her way out the door she collapsed fell to to  the ground. She calls me and tells me her leg just broke. Im at work over an hour away. She calls 911 and I call my dad , now the race is on. I get to the hospital just behind the ambulance. I find out she had a friend come over and get the stuff for the team and tried to convince the ambulance drivers to go to the game. They refused due to the fact that she had broken her Femur bone completely in too( a side effect of some of the chemo drugs that she was on). We missed that night and she got a rod put in her right leg. From that day forward she had a limp but She keep going and two years later we made senior night for my daughter.

Autocharge(moving forward"new normal")

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Out Side my Comfort zone

I spent yesterday with my in-laws and son visiting Mount saint Helens and Mount Rainer. It was nice , I did have thoughts of how my wife would have liked all the scenery. I'v been up up here once before with my family back when my wife was alive. I remember the times we had . The room we slept in(which I got put in again). It makes me miss her at times like this(writing this post at 7am). I have 5 more day then I return to Texas, then what? I wish I had a plan. We all ways had a plan my wife and I.

Autocharge(moving forward"new normal")

PS. photos below.

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_DSC8613.JPG

_DSC8616.JPG

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Autocharge, Thank you for sharing the gorgeous scenery of your trip thus far. I know you miss your wife under the surface of living life. I feel that is the goal we need to have, coexisting with our loss, while fulfilling the rest of our life the best we are able to. You are enjoying the trip with family and you are making beautiful memories together.

Have you thought about doing something that hasn't been planned? My husband and I went on one of those 3 day casino trips with another couple in Nevada. Neither one of us were into gambling, so one day we decided to skip the casino and we rented a vehicle and drove into the mountains and did some touring and hiking. We had the most fun doing spontaneous things.

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

Have you thought about doing something that hasn't been planned?

KMB, Thanks for your comment. I have lots of pictures.

When I said "I wish I had a plan", I guess I was referring to the future or at lest 3 to 4 months ahead. Maybe your not suppose to plan that fare ahead when your retired. I don't know, I'm still trying to get use to this " retirement". It's been a drastic change for me this year. I just don't know what to do with myself . Their it is I said it "MYSELF". How I hat that word. I like us and we a lot better.  The cruise I took not to long ago was unplanned. Booked on Thursday , set sail on Sunday. It's just that I find "myself" with lots of time. I'm sure something will come up, something always dose but something isn't a part of planing. 

Autocharge(moving forward"new normal")

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How I wish George and I had made it up to Mt. St. Helens when he was alive.  I saw it after it blew, the devastation, then the beginning of life beginning to emerge, it's something I'll never forget, a friend took me up in a helicopter (he is a Geologist) and explained the changes as we viewed it.  It's one of those places everyone should see.

I'm glad you're enjoying this trip, Oregon and Washington are truly magnificent!  

7 hours ago, Autocharge said:

I just don't know what to do with myself .

That is the key word there, it changes everything, doesn't it.  Figuring out a way to live, just ourself, when we'd always figured it'd be us.  Even grammar doesn't like my usage of the word "ourself", it wants me to use "ourselves"...but it's singular now isn't it.

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11 hours ago, Autocharge said:

When I said "I wish I had a plan", I guess I was referring to the future or at lest 3 to 4 months ahead. Maybe your not suppose to plan that fare ahead when your retired.

I don't think it has that much to do with retirement. I know lots of retired people who seem to have less time on their hands than when they were working. But having noone at your side makes the time you would spend on anything seem void. I'm on vacation know and I thought about all I could do these two weeks. Instead I'm just wasting my time watching DVDs and hanging around the house. There are lots of thing I could do, there are lots of things I should do, but it all seems pointless.

I guess when we're grieving time is our enemy.

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Autocharge, I am sorry for misunderstanding your wording, *We always had a plan my wife and I*. I took it too literally that you had a plan for everything you did. My husband and I also were getting ready for retirement. We didn't have any set plans though because of monthly doctor appts., etc. We were just going to go with the flow and fit  things around the medical priorities. We never got that far though and I'm forever going to be sad that my husband is never going to have the chance just to enjoy life without the worries and hassles of working.

As for myself, I don't do any planning. I have found it is much easier for my state of mind to take it day by day. At least for now. If I do make an appt. or think about going somewhere the following week, it is with the hope that I'm not going to have a low day. Like Marcel, I feel that time and our perception of it at any given moment can be our enemy. There are many times where I find it hard to pry myself off my butt and go do things. There are just some things that gave us meaning and purpose when our spouses were here that just don't do it for me now. Just have to go with the hope that this current state of non caring changes in the future.

Take care of yourself.

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

changes in the future.

I meet a man today "Bob". We exchanged backgrounds and I thought I would shear it with all of you. Bob lost his wife back in January of 2000 due to cancer of the lungs(diagnosed stage 4 October 1999). He tells me he spent two years traveling (he was just retired before his loss) before he had enough and wanted to try again(find a new love). By the end of year 3 he was married again(2003). He talked about his "former wife" and the places they went and also about the places he has going and plans to go with his current wife. Their was so much I wanted to ask him. But I felt it inappropriate at the time with not only my son and uncle present, but I didn't know this man and did want to pry. I thought of how much this man's tell could help all of us at this time. Maybe even shed some light on this darkness. So hear is to Bob the bravest man I never really got to know. HEER HEER.

Autocharge(moving forward "new normal")

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I’m sorry, Their is no other way to put it.

I’m sorry I have made all of you read my wall of text.

I’m sorry all of you have had to put up with all my spelling / grammar errors and typos.

I just put together a Document in google docs of all the posting of this thread. Trying to make some type of organized flow of information. At the very least a Table of contents that is selectable. During this process I could see how bad my post really were. They never taught me to write papers and gave up on me trying to spell early on in school. I could however fix anything and I made my living doing so the hard way without a college degree. There are times that my writings do frustrate me. Once again I’m sorry.

 

Autocharge

 
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Absolutely no need for apologies, Autocharge.  It's not how we write that unites our special grief family, but speaking from the heart, compassion, understanding and support.  I'm sure I'm not alone in looking forward to your positive posts. 

I too would have been wanting to pick the brains of the man you met, but yes I agree, not appropriate in those circumstances.  I guess it's human nature to be inquisitive about how others make their way in life after such a profound loss.  

Beautiful scenery captured in your pix.  I especially like the pic of the stream in the woods. I can imagine dipping my sore feets in that cold water.  Thanks for sharing them with us :)   Are there bears in those woods?  

My 'late' partner and I were newly retired too. I am sad and mad that my darling who worked so hard for 52 years, was deprived of his retirement.  He'd so looked forward to it.  Naturally, I'm sad and mad for me too!  My biggest worry used to be what will I cook for dinner?   Now I wake up never knowing what challenges I'll have to face that day.   I currently have in progress a formal complaint against one of the incompetent, lying professional fools I've had the misfortune to deal with in regard to hubbys death.  And I'm preparing other complaints to action at a later date.  All this legal stuff is a huge learning curve for an ex farmgirl of a more mature age, but do it I will, to honour Gerry and hopefully make life easier for those that come after me - we have a high pedestrian death toll in my country.  It's a different style/type of bereavement for sure, but Gerry's with me in spirit every step of the way :)   And, I have awesome support from my precious daughter, great friends and neighbors.

Hope your day is going as well as can be expected. 

Sending strength and hugs.

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1 hour ago, M88 said:

Are there bears in those woods?  

Oh yes! and deer , elk , moose and more. I’m trying to use google docs when typing a post from now on. Maybe it will proofread it for me and make it easier on everyone's eyes at the same time. LOL  I had bought the camera (nikon D7000) for my wife. It was her hobby (taking pictures of the kids really) i‘m just now learning how to use the camera. I’m gonna try and attach the PDF document to this post. It’s still in it’s early stages of development but I would like feedback on it..

Autocharge

 

AutochargemyExperience.pdf

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15 hours ago, KMB said:

As for myself, I don't do any planning. I have found it is much easier for my state of mind to take it day by day.

It helps to make some short term simple plans to look forward to, lunch with a friend, visiting one of your kids, something.  Anticipation is half the reward. 

4 hours ago, M88 said:

My 'late' partner and I were newly retired too. I am sad and mad that my darling who worked so hard for 52 years, was deprived of his retirement.

My George never thought about retirement, but I did.  He was too busy living life, he said he couldn't fathom it, he liked working, although his job likely contributed greatly to his fatal heart attack.  When I retired, I couldn't help but feel how different it'd be if he were here.  It was a release from my last job as it was my worst one, and a relief not to have to commute and the grueling schedule, but like Marcel said, I keep busy in retirement...it's just not the way it'd feel if George were here to share it with me. 

Autocharge, we have the deer and elk, but not the moose...sounds wonderful!

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Don' t worry about spelling or grammer. We know what you're talking about and noone's grading you.
I'm a bit selfconscious about my spelling sometimes, because it's just a second language to me but then I know that nobody really cares about stuff like that. We're all in the same boat and we all know what matters and what doesn't.

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Autocharge,  I think your wife would be very happy and proud to see the lovely blurred water in the stream, and the cross in the top right hand corner.  It must be exhilarating to walk in your woods, never knowing what you might encounter!

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Last Day of vacation and I got the Picture I had missed on the first day I was here. LOL

Autocharge

Eaglehaslanded1.jpg

Eaglehaslanded2.jpg

Eaglehaslanded3.jpg

Eaglehaslanded4.jpg

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Our pastor just went on holiday a week ago, and when he came back he told of watching an eagle for two hours!  Fabulous, not something you get the opportunity to do often!  I love your pictures, they are fabulous!  I wish I could take good pictures, I manage to botch it. ;)

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Lovely Autocharge.  I had no idea that eagles would fish!!  Although that looks like a good sized fish 'head' - is it? 

We don't have eagles here.  Carrier Hawks are our largest bird of prey. 

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2 hours ago, M88 said:

that looks like a good sized fish 'head' - is it?

I think it was a clam. It took some time for him to eat it. Those pictures didn't turn out so good(for the clam). lol

Autocharge

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I know she's not here anymore (my wife). I just don't know how to be happy and have fun without my family, I'm an empty nester now and don't know what to do with myself.

I want someone to be with me all the time ( every night and weekend). Even my days are empty now that I'm retired. This dating is hard, I have gotten over all my fears, anxiety and panic attacks about meeting ladies. It's easy to talk to ladies now or text, KIK, whats app, just to name a few methods of communication. Oh yes the oldie but goodie the "I caught her eyeing me look". Trying to find that one, that's the tough part. I was a family, now it's just me. I don't understand how people stay single. Being single is like an alien world to me. I look at it and wonder how can it survive? I'm afraid to ask the question . What does it take to have someone beside me all the time. I'm set, I got the dream home/ranch I always wanted. I'm not moving or selling my place. I'm dug in like a tick. lol. That only leaves one option, I have to be willing to let someone move in. That doesn't necessarily mean marriage any more, times have changed. oops there it is, I just though all my fears, anxiety and panic attacks were over!!!!

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

ps: I have to love again. This is going to be hard.

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32 minutes ago, Autocharge said:

I know she's not here anymore (my wife). I just don't know how to be happy and have fun without my family, I'm an empty nester now and don't know what to do with myself.

I want someone to be with me all the time ( every night and weekend). Even my days are empty now that I'm retired. This dating is hard, I have gotten over all my fears, anxiety and panic attacks about meeting ladies. It's easy to talk to ladies now or text, KIK, whats app, just to name a few methods of communication. Oh yes the oldie but goodie the "I caught her eyeing me look". Trying to find that one, that's the tough part. I was a family, now it's just me. I don't understand how people stay single. Being single is like an alien world to me. I look at it and wonder how can it survive? I'm afraid to ask the question . What does it take to have someone beside me all the time. I'm set, I got the dream home/ranch I always wanted. I'm not moving or selling my place. I'm dug in like a tick. lol. That only leaves one option, I have to be willing to let someone move in. That doesn't necessarily mean marriage any more, times have changed. oops there it is, I just though all my fears, anxiety and panic attacks were over!!!!

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

ps: I have to love again. This is going to be hard.

That's what gets to me also. Sadly it's what so few people not going through this understand. When I am around family and friends I am able to keep my mind busy and have something that approaches peace or maybe even happiness for a moment or two. But when I come home, it's back to the loneliness, crying, memories, and despair. My friends and family get to go home with their spouses and I am left alone.

I understand your desire to have the companionship you had with your wife. Lori and I were together all the time. I always had her there next to me and it was a quiet comfort that I guess I took for granted because I thought she would always be there. Keep looking AC. You'll know when you have found the right one. I wish you well in your search. 

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This is a very individual thing that only each person can decide for themselves, and it sounds like you know what you want and I hope you find what you're looking for.  Give it time, stay open, I believe it will happen for you.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

Give it time, stay open, I believe it will happen for you.

The first thought I had was. I had to travel to California to find my wife. How far will I have to travel this time and how much Time is it going to take. Boy these unknowns are tough to deal with. 

Autocharge

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Date #4

Well date #4 with ladie number 6 didn’t happen. It seems that she can't find the time for me now and has stopped responding to texts. Back to the internet I go. Funny thing is I thought I was one date away from having a girlfriend. This is going to be a long journey. I just wished I could get feed back from theses failed attempts. Oh well such is life and the internet is a big place.  Stay tuned.

 

Autocharge (moving forward “ new normal”)

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Awe Ace, when I saw you'd posted I looked forward to reading it as I do look forward to reading how your social life is evolving. Then my heart sank.  I'm sorry this lady didn't work out for you :(  I imagine it would be difficult for a woman you don't know very well to give you the feedback you'd like.  She would know you are still hurting from your loss and wouldn't want to hurt you further. 

I treasure my friends of both genders.  I'm not interested in another relationship, but do enjoy the male perspective on life and world issues. 

Sending strength and hugs.. 

 

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Autocharge, I am sorry the latest lady didn't work out. Do not let yourself stay in despair though. In your quest for another life partner, the right one will come along when you least expect it. Life brings us blessings in its own good timing. Keep your chin up and persevere in moving forward!

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

persevere in moving forward!

KMB, Your right I was disappointed and still don't understand the why. But like I said earlier the internet is a big place and just within the last 4 days I have been able to "talk", texting to no less than 5 ladies. I have planes to meet 3 of them for brunch/dinners over this next week. One I have meet already for dinner and a movie the next day which went good.  It was an early movie and we ended up spending (yesterday ,Monday) all day together and plans for a "third date" are forthcoming. Since I have commitments already, I will keep them but I'm not sure of what to do. I don't want to turn into a serial dater. The internet is a big place and it moves even faster. So for any one considering to do the "internet dating sites" be warned it moves fast and wide.

So Their is todays questions. What is acceptable when dating/meeting people? In regards to how many at a time? When dose one turn into a "player"? When dose being nice/polite turn into chauvinistic creep?

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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Autocharge,

I'm sorry it didn't work out and it doesn't help that you don't know "why".  Too bad you couldn't send out a survey afterwards like Amazon does, to let you know what it was!  Maybe it's nothing to do with you, maybe she just got cold feet.

I recommend Christian Carter's books/videos on dating.  I don't think it matters how many you date at a time, how many can you comfortably juggle?  Once you decide to be exclusive it should be a mutual decision and then it's bye-bye to all the others. ;)  Good luck!

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11 hours ago, Autocharge said:

So Their is todays questions. What is acceptable when dating/meeting people? In regards to how many at a time? When dose one turn into a "player"? When dose being nice/polite turn into chauvinistic creep?

My answer: I think each and everyone of us have to answer these questions for themselves. At least I was able to. For me after having a third date tonight (which was my birthday today) I decided to send a text msg to the other ladies and informed them that I had a good date and that I was not a serial dater , and apologized for any inconvenience I may have caused them.  Once again Im at the point of a fourth date. Stay tuned.

 

Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)

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I'm not sure why you'd text the others you had a good date, no need to inform them of anything as long as you've been up front that you are dating others, that's all they need to know for now.  As for "a player", don't even worry about that, that is someone with an ulterior motive that doesn't care about the people they're dating, I don't see that applicable to you.  No need to apologize to anyone for simply dating and having a good time, I don't see how that could be interpreted as an inconvenience!

BTW, Happy Birthday!

Today is my George's birthday.  He was 51 when he died, he'd be 63 today.

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11 hours ago, KayC said:

'm not sure why you'd text the others

KayC , I guess that it's one of my self righteous faults. I am a man of my word. I had made plans with these ladies and now it's best that I not follow through with them. I understand things change but I always try to the best of my abilities to keep my word. It was for that I was sorry not keeping my word doing what I said. The ladies have responded and in so many words they all said "Thank you for your honesty ". On a side note I'm going tubing down one of the local rivers this Saturday . It's part of one of these (singles) meetup groups and their are three ladies carpooling with me. Once again I'm stepping out of my comfort zone.

Autocharge

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Oh I see, I didn't understand you were canceling plans.  It's good to be a man of your word!

Good luck with your tubing venture, sounds fun!

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Getting outside my comfort zone IV

This time I went on a tubing trip down one of the local rivers ( a two hour drive one way, that's local in Texas). This trip was part of a singles meetup group and I had three ladies carpooling with me. Ok How did it go that's the question, well it was slow and wet. LoL I have been on better rivers with a canoe before but that is why this was a tubing river I suppose. The group was 3 ladies and two guys including me. We had normal conversations and their was no flirting going on in either direction. The ladies did shear stories on past relationships ( a little guy bashing but not much). They did discuss the deaths of spouses of some of the other members of the meetup group, without knowing my situation. I never brought it up and they never asked why I was signal. It was hard listening to their opinions on causes of death and diseases ( cancer) and on how , when, why people should ,should not date or remarry. I was a fly on the wall listening to what “all these people say when you're not around”. I did want to stop them in their tracks but why , Theses strangers wouldn’t understand and it would have just soured the trip. I did learn that to those that haven't experienced the “loss” they don’t care if it takes one or two months or one year or several years to get over the loss. Too them life is still moving forward with or without us the “grievers”.

 

Autocharge (moving forward,”new normal”)

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Autocharge,

It's interesting to see people's perspectives when they don't filter themselves for us...not sure I'd want to know their opinions though.  At the end of the day, they don't get it, they don't know what it's like to go through this and certainly can't know what's best for us.

I hope you enjoyed the tubing!

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I hope you enjoyed the tubing!

KayC , Thanks and yes I did enjoy the tubing. Just one more thing to get me going, sooner or later all theses things are going to add up to me doing something. Add up to Some kind of "new normal" I could have never foreseen. I just got to keep getting out of my comfort zone. I took some time and looked back at my postings and it looks like I have covered quite a lot of ground. I still want this thread to help others if at all possible. So I'm  attaching a pdf file "Table of contents" to help those that want to know what all has been talked about with everyone on hear.

New comers please see "Table of contents" attachment and then word search this forum.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

Postingpage.pdf

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Autocharge, Thank you for sharing your ventures in moving forward and helping people while you are helping yourself. You are certainly doing this forum a great service in what it should be used for.

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18 hours ago, KMB said:

helping people while you are helping yourself.

KMB, Thanks "helping people while you are helping yourself" this is what I want to accomplish.

Autocharge

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Got past date number 4

Lady number 7, Go figure it had to be number 7 to get past date number 4. Well date number 4 was some time ago to tell the truth. It’s been almost two weeks now that we have been seeing each other and things are going good. I think the date number is somewhere around 7,8, or 9. It doesn't matter at this point , both of us have decided independently to stop pursuing others on the internet dating site. According to my standards I officially have a girlfriend now. I guess we will all see where this goes now (my Forum friends). There are certain aspects of this relationship that I’m not going to discuss on this forum because they are too personal, there's just no other way to say it.

I do see a time coming that the bridge of introducing someone to the rest of my family is just down the road a little ways. Here I do have concerns. I’ll talk about that in a later post.

A little about this lady, She has a name not just ladie #7. Her name is Carla. She was married for 25 years and lost her husband to a heart attack. She is a widow of 5 years and has not remarried but has dated. She has two grown kids that are living their lives like adults should.

And yes there is a lot of mutual understanding between us.

 

Autocharge (moving forward”new normal”)

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50 minutes ago, Autocharge said:

And yes there is a lot of mutual understanding between us.

A quality so very important. With Carla being a widow, the understanding, the empathy, is naturally there. I wish you well, Autocharge, with this lady!

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AC, I'm so happy for you! It's great to hear that you've found someone to take it to the 'next level' with and make it 'official.' 

For some of us, the beginning of widowhood is the end of our love life. That is a choice, and it's a valid choice. For others, finding someone with shared experience, in our own time, is an equally valid choice. It was important for me to come to terms with that. I knew I would not want to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm still in under a year and I wrestled with what that was going to look like. I didn't know what I was going to do about it, when it was appropriate, or how to go about any of that stuff. The choice, though, was pretty much taken out of my hands when I reconnected (innocently) with an old friend, T. Neither of us were looking for it, but we found something amazing in each other. Now I've fallen for her, and she for me, and we're navigating this new thing together. I've already made some mistakes with my family, but we're moving forward. I just have to keep in mind that I'm still learning to balance the fact that my kids aren't necessarily ready to move ahead in this realm with the fact that I am, and tread cautiously. 

Good on ya, AC! 

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Crossing the Bridge, introducing the grilfriend to the family

 

Ok This is where I need advice. Due to circumstances beyond my control. My daughter is taking a break from college ( hopefully just this summer). Hence she is coming home. I don't want to hide or not see my girlfriend. So I have just about a week and a half to figure out the best way to introduce the two at a minimum maybe even both kids ( together or separate). I did not intend to cross this bridge this soon. I’m in a bit of a panic writing this post. Man this is hard.

All comments welcome!!!

 

Autocharge (moving forward”new normal”)

 

Ps: I know I just posted a few hours ago but life moves fast and I didn’t see this coming.

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40 minutes ago, Autocharge said:

I don't want to hide or not see my girlfriend.

39 minutes ago, Autocharge said:

 

Are you engaged? If not, I'd just introduce her as your friend and not explain too much. You never need to tell anyone too much too soon or make a very special effort to introduce them yet.

I would also observe protocols while your children are in the home.

If you start talking remarriage, it is, of course, a very different discussion.

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9 minutes ago, AceBasin said:

Are you engaged?

AceBasin, NO not engaged.

By "Protocols" I assume you are talking about signs of affection ( holding hands, kissing, making out and so on). I would think southern manners would be acceptable. But my real question is how best to make the introduction, I’m thinking maybe dinner were me and my daughter meet her some place “ neutral” maybe even a couple of times before she comes over to the house and even then maybe a BBQ and movie for a nice evening. I guess I’m thinking of warming the waters slowly. But maybe dinner is too long of an exposure for the first time for my daughter.  To long to short, dinner no dinner as you can tell I truly don't know what is right or wrong in this situation. Carla has said “ It’s ok I’m patient and understand”. So maybe it’s more me , I’m the one freaking out. Computers are a lot easier to fix. LoL

 

Autocharge

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Autocharge- I encourage you to treat it casually and not to worry too much. Yes, by protocols I meant the same manners you'd expect from your daughter and a male she was dating if they were with you. I think any venue or activity you choose will be fine. Just keep it light and friendly and do not feel any pressure to explain anything yet. Saying too much may concern Carla or your daughter at different ends of the spectrum. If you and Carla would go to dinner I'd do that. If you want to have dinner or drinks at your house do that too. Just don't treat it as an observable big deal. It is ok to sweat, just don't let anyone know. Thank you for posting. This is a very positive issue to discuss.

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