I'm sharing this because maybe it will make it more real. I still feel like I'm in a nightmare. Kind of like this situation isn't real. I was shown in counselling the "wave" of grief. My conscious mind won't even let me hit the peak of "said" wave. I'm just a surfer out on a calm day....waiting....waiting for the water break. Preparing myself for the ultimate wave to come, knowing I'm going to fall and break myself when it comes. I'm not sure whats worse. The anticipation or the actual scenario.