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The Carolyn Chronicles

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Don't Click "Send"

Bill G


So this was a click away from being just another FB post and then I decided to go into a different direction.

Update... after listening to this (the Summer 2002 mix CD) I can say I'm one step closer to rock bottom in terms of overwhelming grief and sadness. I hope it is rock bottom! Some of the lyrics eerily represent how I feel. "Angel of Mine", "Would you cry if you saw me crying?", "I do believe I failed you... I know I let you down", "Instead of making me better, you're making me ill", and this highly appropriate gem: "I'd walk a thousand miles, if I could just see you." (end the almost post)

Which brings me to the million dollar question... when is rock bottom? Twenty-six days in and out of nowhere (listening to these songs triggered it) I had my biggest emotional outburst yet. Crying hysterically. Punching a couch. Thankfully in the basement overnight outside of earshot of the kids. I understand that it is healthy to let it out. But how many more of these do I have in me before I turn some corner?

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I turned my corner two years later after my husband died when I attended a retreat for widows. It was the best thing for my soul. There were about 25 of us - all ages.  The best part is we all took turns telling 'our story' in full.  If it took 20 minutes or 45 minutes or an hour and a half - it didn't matter.  We all listened to each other and it was soooo healing. You will find that when you're with family or friends and you begin to speak about your husband and your grief, they will politely listen but someone will quickly change the conversation.  And that's ok because they don't know what to say.  But you need to get your story out and cry with abandon.  It is almost 5 years now and I still puddle up when I look at our photo together, listen to tunes we used to dance to, or places we used to frequent.  I don't know when I'll fully return to the world.   

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