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Clever Pennywyze

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Looking back



Looking back at my childhood, I remember wondering why my parents didn't just leave me with dad's sister, Beth.  As the years accumulated, I continued to consider my aunt to be my mom, and I called her, Momma Beth.  Unfortunately, she passed away 13 months after my dad.  This is what made me believe that my dad and my Momma Beth were soulmates: dad was born December 16, 1952.  Momma Beth was born January 1, 1954.  Growing up, this brother and sister duo could be on the opposite side of their yard, and they could have a conversation without ever speaking a word.  After they became adults, they lost contact because dad isolated his wife and children from the rest of his family.  (His siblings were starting to understand that dad was physically abusing mom, and he was not going to put up with anyone coming between him and his anger except my mom.)

Anyway dad passed away on February 7, 2019.  Momma Beth passed away in March of 2020.  Only 13 months after her brother passed.  They were born 13 months apart, and they died 13 months apart.  

When I was a teenager, I would get depressed because everyone (including my mom, dad and sister) used to pick on me and tease me.  When I thought about ending my life, Momma Beth would comfort me.  Even though she was not capable of being there in the moment physically, she always seemed to know when I needed her, and she would talk to me inside my head.  Yes, I'm aware (now) that my subconscious mind was trying to comfort me, but back then, it was easier for me to believe that Momma was the one talking to me.  No matter who or what it was that "talked me out of" hurting myself, it was what was necessary for me to believe it was my Momma.  


Momma Beth, I miss you so much. We'll see each other again. Until then, put in a good word for me with the man upstairs, please? It's not like I need one, but it couldn't hurt my situation. I love you, momma.




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