Over the last 2 years, I have been aiming to be, striving to achieve, aspiring to become a woman who over the next 20 years, will just barely remember this time and the hurt that I have been since February 2019. I'm not talking about running off. What I am talking about is this: the day my husband died, a gigantic part of me died, too. What I'm doing is absolutely hypothetical and symbolic, but in this way I have to say, 'The person I was then, no longer exists. I buried her the day I told you goodbye.

Emerging from the ashes and burning cinders and the smoldering embers will always appear in its true form because when this creature is born, it's like none other. The ever beautiful and long adored Pennywyze, has come around to help me with repairing the parts of me nobody can fix except me. She's my courage when I can't find my backbone. She is just as honest as I am. She is 100% me, but now I will always wear a mask, COVID-19 or not because my soulmate left this world without me. 

I'm the last one to dwell on anything anymore, y'all. Yes, still hurt every day because like I said Jeremy was my soulmate, however, I just want to be clear that I will never end my own life. Please know, not one of you needs to worry about that happening with me. I mean, if I was going to take my own life, I wouldn't have waited 2 years with all the pain and anguish just to do something like that to myself. Not only that, but I have been through bullying where I had one bully and her friends put their hands on me.'

I've been tormented my entire 42 years of life, but I cannot take my own life because my soul belongs to God. So, if I kill myself, I will be sent to h-e-double hockey sticks, and God will no longer be the keeper of my soul. And to be honest, when I die all I want is for my ashes to be spread immediately after my family says bye, and I want my soul to Rest In Peace. Therefore, if I kill myself, I give up my soul resting in peace. 

No, I'm not posting this because anyone has been worried about me or anything. I just wanted you guys to know because that's how I am. I tell everyone that I am honest to a fault because I have been that way my entire life. Also, if there's any way y'all could pray for me. I'm getting an upper respiratory infection, and with COVID-19 I'm a bit nervous.