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May Day - Send Help

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Day 88



Honey, you must have been so scared and confused.  I know you kept wondering if you made the right decision on the day they took you to the hospital.  You were not able to do the things that were once so simple to you.  You must have ached and fought off pain. At the hospital alone you must have been frustrated and all of the pain medications you had in your system must have made you feel foggy and out of control.

You were septic and fighting pneumonia.  I am sorry you had to go through all of that.  I am sorry that I was not there for you a the hospital. I am sorry I didn't think tell hospice that they should check you for a cold.  I didn't know you were sick that way. I should have. I should have questioned the coughing fits and had you checked out.  Those doctors that saw you like Dr. Fadila should have tried to listen to your lungs. Maybe they would have caught it. Hospice should have...someone could have done something to make you less ill. I say les ill because it got bad so fast and you were suffering. 

I am sorry for my frustration those last days. You were so stubborn wanting to go to the bathroom on your own.  Your SATS kept dropping and you were in pain. I could hear you moaning. I could hear your suffering. I could also see it. 

I am glad you found comfort earlier in the day when I played you music. I held you in bed and tried to soothe you.  I must have made you more scared because you had my emotions to deal with while you were fighting your illness.I kept trying to make you feel better and I got a bit frantic. I kept calling your hospice nurses and they didn't come immediately. Wen they were calm and even made jokes to each other. I just wanted them to help you. 

I hated that the EMT's took you away without me being able to hug you and say good bye. I thought I was going to be able to see you at the hospital. Oh honey, I am sorry that I didn't just hold you for a while before they came. I was getting dressed and stressing about what to do make it to the hospital with you instead. 

I know this is just me going down the rabbit hole - I think  had to in order to process things more from your side.  From the point of view that you were impaired and needed help and yet you were also frustrated at having to rely on medical staff to help you when you didn't know what was going on. All you knew was you were sick. 

Oh honey, I miss you. I miss you so much. 88 days ago you left this world and I have been trying to deal with that. i want to live a life that would make you proud. I want to emulate the light that you were. I want to be strong enough to make people laugh even when I am sick or suffering. I want to be more like you. 


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