Forever Alone

[EternalFlames]

I'm in a grief spiral. I thought it was bad a few months ago, but the sadness is so much more overwhelming these days. I guess I didn't fully process it right away. My wife only passed away less than 6 months ago.

I find myself extremely lonely every day. Overwhelmed by loneliness.

My friends have gradually backed away. Some were supportive at first, but now they have returned to their own lives. I turn down most invitations to social outings because I don't feel fun anymore, and now I'm not even getting invitations. So I just spend even more time at home, sad, mourning, alone.

I wish so badly that my wife could still be here. That I could hug her, hold her, kiss her, talk to her for a few more days. I know that can never happen. It's hard to really accept.

I find myself just craving the touch of a woman. Affection. Intimacy. I know it will not compare to my wife, that there will be no love or deep connection, but it seems warmer than the cold void I am in now. But I am increasingly coming to terms with the reality than now I'm older, out of shape, in worse health, sad, damaged, exhausted, emotionally less able to connect. And I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to connect with anyone else or attract anyone else ever again, even 1 or 3 or even 5 years later.

If I can't, I don't know what else there is to live for. My wife died before we were able to have kids. I want children and a family so badly. Now that it's been taken from me, I've realized that family is what I value most in life. What if I can never have that? Am I doomed to being alone forever? To never having my own children?

I keep looking at my young single male friends and their dating woes, their pathetic inability to connect and keep a relationship. Heartbroken, rejected, or failed relationships. And they're not widowers.  I am not attractive anymore. And I'm damaged. And my heart may never be fully open again. How do I possibly stand a chance in the future? And if I don't, what point is there to all of this?

 

[MLG23]

Although I wasn't married, my fiancé and I dreamed of starting a family and having that perfect little life. It too was stolen from me before it could begin, but one thing I have started to realize is that the hearts that have seen the most pain, have the most love to give. Even though it may feel like you are broken, this is a time for growth and rebuilding. Focus on what you need to feel alive, like hobbies or important personal goals. Hopefully this helps a bit!

[KayC]

15 hours ago, EternalFlames said:

 

I'm in a grief spiral. I thought it was bad a few months ago, but the sadness is so much more overwhelming these days. I guess I didn't fully process it right away. My wife only passed away less than 6 months ago.

 

It took me probably three years to process my grief, but grief is ongoing, it evolves throughout our journey.  Many feel six months is one of the hardest times because it is around then that the reality sets in.  In the beginning we are in shock and in a fog like state, but once that begins to diminish, the protection it gives us dissipates and we're left with the stark reality of their absence.

As you begin to process your grief, little by little honing your coping skills and adjusting to the changes in this different life, we get better at it.  It's so important to do our grief work to help us process it...I saw a grief counselor, journaled, wrote letters to my husband, made friends with another widow that understood, did art therapy, joined a grief forum, read articles, books, watched videos, etc. on grief.  It is indeed a lot of work.

[claribassist13]

EternalFlames, 

You are definitely in the throws of the 6-month mark. It's one of the hardest milestones you'll have to overcome.
As you've pointed out, by this point the majority of our initial support is gone. Our friends who were so concerned in the beginning have moved on in their lives. Many are just beginning to realize the extent of your grief, and they simply cannot handle being a support any longer. People see your loss as "old news". They think that time and space will help you heal faster. Everyone makes assumptions and no one bothers to actually ask you. 

Reality also sets in at the 6-month mark. By this point, most of us are out of the shock and denial of our loved one's death. By this point, there is no coming back, no mistaken death. While it is a concept we have realized before, the realization we make at this point in time seems to hit us like a wall of bricks. Our loved ones are gone, and they are never coming back to us. 

It's perfectly natural to crave intimacy. We didn't just lose our significant others. We lost our best friends, our confidants. We lost the one person in the world you knew us the best. We lost everything that goes with that. Their absence forces us to realize just how intertwined our lives were. We feel empty and incomplete without them. It's natural to want something to fill in that impossibly large void. 
Here is my recommendation to you: Yes, you feel broken, and in some small way you are. You don't just lose your wife and come out of that experience without a single scratch. However, this does not mean that you are too broken. As KayC said, grief is a life-long process. It will take you time to process your wife's death, to feel somewhat normal again (whatever normal is), to not feel like you are a million tiny shards of glass scattered across a concrete floor. 
If you want a family as much as you do, then it will happen. It will take time, and you need to use that time to become a person who can support a family. You are no good to anyone if you are no good to yourself. As lonely as you feel, take this time to heal and to rediscover who you are. This experience changes a person; you are an entirely new individual. It takes some time to come to terms with who that individual is. 
And when you least expect it, love will happen. 

Focus on healing. If you have yet to seek professional help (grief counselor, antidepressants, etc.) it might be worthwhile to look into. 
Please keep talking to us, reaching out. It will help you in the long run. 
 

[Jack50]

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find the strength to heal. I lost my wife in August this year and I have not found any healing as of yet. It is so difficult. I can't find any answers for myself to help you but I certainly wish you the best. My heart goes out to you

 

[KayC]

Jack, you are very fresh/new in this and the healing takes a very long time...so long as to seem imperceptible, but it comes, just all too slowly for our impatient minds.

 

[KMB]

Jack and Eternal Flame-----Prayers to both of you---I lost my husband to a heart attack in August ----my grounding center is gone, my life as I knew it shattered. The journey has barely begun for me. It will be a long journey filled with feeling lost, confused, a roller coaster of emotions. I try to take it one step at a time. I stumble and fall, go backwards at times. We have no other option. The goal is to somehow make it through another day. In my mind, I picture my husband's smiling face and say I'm doing this for him.

[Just Jackie]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 I lost my Husband in January, suddenly.

I think I was in total shock for the first month.

I had to hit the ground running because we own two businesses and there was no one else to keep things going, I don't know maybe it was a good thing I that I was so busy so I didn't completely lose my mind.

The support for the first 3 months from family and friends was wonderful, but like you said, they go back to their lives and now I have to figure out what my purpose is all over again.

The intimacy thing is... I don't know, hard. I miss talking with him after work at night more than anything, and his sense of humor,

I wonder if I'll ever have a relationship again, or if I want one.
Yesterday was the closing date of the estate.And I'm a mess. Again.
I hope you feel better knowing that someone "gets" you.

[Jeff In Denver]

EternalFlame, sorry to hear about your loss and what you're dealing with.  What you're experiencing is pretty common.  As I like to say, grief is love  turned inside out.   I have experienced the same damn thing.  The friends who forget about you, the lack of invitations, the extreme loneliness - all of that.  Grief is not a journey, in my book.   It's a slog through hell.   A journey is a trip to somewhere.  I feel like I'm going nowhere and have no desire to go anywhere.  I really know what you mean about the need for physical affection.  Paradoxically the more we need it the harder it is to find.

I was taking people to dinner and lunch (my treat) a lot, and as soon as I stopped paying that was the end of that.   They lost interest. Massage (proper) gets old fast, and I found that if I want to touch or be touched, I'd have to pay for it.  I'm starving for that.  No one cares.  One Chinese massage lady was going to stay overnight last night for $150.   I actually agreed to that!   When I e-mailed her and told her that I'd like to hold her and have her hold me, that was the end of that.    She had previously expressed that she wished I was her boyfriend, so it's not as though she doesn't like me.  (She is living with a very abusive boyfriend).

Have you heard about those cuddling services?  It's a sad premise.  They will come to your house for above-board physical affection for $100 per hour.  I have the money but would never do that.  That's not worth it for me.

Sorry, I wish I could be of more help, but I wanted you to know that I am dealing with many of the same things.  You are not alone - not that that helps.  Last night I walked around the empty house (it gets dark early now) and never felt more alone.

I have absolutely no desire to even try to replace my girlfriend.   A cold beer and Netflix seem to help a little.  It's hard to explain how much this sucks.

I hope your situation improves.

In the meantime (sorry again everyone), I will suggest "Love Knows No Death."  It's an incredibly well-done interactive course that presents scientific evidence that your wife is still with you - just not physically.  It really helped me.  It's only $10 from the Forever Family Foundation's website.  Check out this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Xlza3iMqr0&t=61s