Members Proper Posted October 21, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2016 Hi all, ive recently lost my girlfriend to cancer. To say I'm struggling is an understatement. I'm constantly replaying our life together, did I do everything I could, did I spend enough time with her etc etc. And her life before me, if only her ex husband had not forced her to have a child after 3 miscarriages creating a massive sort of problems, double transplants etc etc, which all played a part. I have a barrage of emotions, but at the moment I'm back to work, it's only been 5 weeks since she's gone, and I'm starting to feel like a robot, just doing and not feeling anything?? Is this normal?? Social media is good, but at the same time bad, people on there who haven't played a big part of her life, jumping on the emotional bandwagon!! People keep telling me to be strong, and are you ok??.... then off they trot to there love ones for a cuddle or a nice word of reassurance... while I'm all alone, working alone, and living on my own. I've thought the bad things, what's the point of being here!! And there's no future now for me...... I'm at a loss, trying to keep smiling while dying inside..... She was everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Janice 252 Posted October 21, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2016 Hi there. Sorry to hear about your loss. The guilt and what ifs are inevitable. I think everyone one on here is experiencing that. It doesn't help but we all do it. I lost my husband nearly 5 weeks ago so we're the same distance down this sad road. His death was very sudden so I think I'm still dealing with the shock. Take comfort from the people here. They have helped me a lot. No one else understands but here we are all going through the same thing. My thoughts are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted October 21, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2016 Hi---Prayers and hugs for you. You came to the right place for comfort. My loss is also recent and has been unbearable. We are all going through the same grieving, the same thoughts and emotions. It's a constant roller coaster of feeling guilty and the what if's. Acting on autopilot when forced to but like you said, dying on the inside. The shock we go through, the emptiness and aloneness are unbearable. Do whatever you need to do for yourself. Cry, scream, beat a pillow. The release helps. Seek a community based grief support group, hospices hold them or some churches. Grief therapy counseling costs money so look into being with others that are going through what you are. Family and friends are a great support, but you have to ask them for help, keep reaching out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 21, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted October 21, 2016 Proper, I'm sorry you lost your GF, you've found a good place here. I hope you have a grief counselor that can help you through this maze of grief. You have some good responses from people here, and I hope that helps. We do adjust eventually but the missing them never goes away. I'm sure you did all you could in your relationship, we're all human, but when we love each other, we naturally convey it in our very lives. I'm glad she got to have you in her life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MLG23 Posted October 21, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2016 The barrage of almost superficial sympathy is something I too have struggled with since losing my fiancé. I also understand the robotic, almost too many emotions at once feeling. Just kind of feels so full you're empty, if that makes sense. I think she was lucky to have such a caring person in her life. One of the greatest gifts I think about is that I showed my fiancé what love was before he passed, maybe thinking about the fact that she knew great love could help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Karin Posted October 21, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2016 12 hours ago, Proper said: People keep telling me to be strong, and are you ok??.... then off they trot to there love ones for a cuddle or a nice word of reassurance... while I'm all alone, working alone, and living on my own. I've thought the bad things, what's the point of being here!! And there's no future now for me...... I'm at a loss, trying to keep smiling while dying inside..... She was everything. I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend suddenly 14 weeks ago today, that is 98 days without him. Reading your post made me cry (again). I've been thinking the same... whats the point? A life without him is no life...he was everything. Like you I'm dying on the inside trying to look like I'm geting better on the outside. Everyone around me keeps telling me I'm strong and that I seem to be doing much better, but they don't see how broken I am, or when I hide and cry until I can't breathe. I guess what I want to say is that I hope you find some help here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 22, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted October 22, 2016 On 10/21/2016 at 1:38 AM, Proper said: People keep telling me to be strong, and are you ok??.... then off they trot to there love ones for a cuddle or a nice word of reassurance... while I'm all alone, working alone, and living on my own. This says it all...the disparity between their lives and ours, and of course, they can't get it, they have not a clue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members EternalFlames Posted October 25, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2016 On 2016-10-21 at 4:38 AM, Proper said: Hi all, ive recently lost my girlfriend to cancer. To say I'm struggling is an understatement. I'm constantly replaying our life together, did I do everything I could, did I spend enough time with her etc etc. And her life before me, if only her ex husband had not forced her to have a child after 3 miscarriages creating a massive sort of problems, double transplants etc etc, which all played a part. I have a barrage of emotions, but at the moment I'm back to work, it's only been 5 weeks since she's gone, and I'm starting to feel like a robot, just doing and not feeling anything?? Is this normal?? Social media is good, but at the same time bad, people on there who haven't played a big part of her life, jumping on the emotional bandwagon!! People keep telling me to be strong, and are you ok??.... then off they trot to there love ones for a cuddle or a nice word of reassurance... while I'm all alone, working alone, and living on my own. I've thought the bad things, what's the point of being here!! And there's no future now for me...... I'm at a loss, trying to keep smiling while dying inside..... She was everything. I can relate to a lot of this. The day my wife died, I found it infuriating to see social media posts from many old college friends I hadn't even heard of. They post some Hallmark-sentiments and cute photos and get all these comments and positive attention. Then they disappear into the woodwork, back to their own loved ones and happy lives, never to be seen from again. And where were they during the cancer? If they really cared, why didn't they come visit her for the many months she was on her deathbed? Why didn't they keep in touch while she was healthy? Where were they for the previous obstacles in her life? After all, I had never even heard their names before.. My friends keep expecting me to be strong, to get over it. It's funny. I had a minor sports injury last year, and I got a lot more sympathy for that. I think, in our society, young men aren't afforded much emotional slack. And the guilt. Oh, the guilt. I hope you can come to terms with the fact that no, you couldn't have done anything different. You couldn't have stopped it. It was just going to happen. And you did the best you could do at the time with what you knew at the time and who you were in that moment. That's all any of us can do. I have to remind myself this every day, otherwise the guilt will eat me alive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 26, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted October 26, 2016 15 hours ago, EternalFlames said: The day my wife died, I found it infuriating to see social media posts from many old college friends I hadn't even heard of. This could have been written by my friend's husband. Her and I were best friends in high school. We told each other all our secrets, borrowed each other's records, got together for sleepovers. Then she got into drugs. Hard. It scared the rest of us off, we didn't know what to do or how to handle it. We loved her, but try as we might, we couldn't save her. It scared us. I lost touch with her. Years went by. Eventually, we reconnected on FB. We were planning to meet (we lived in different towns)...then she suddenly died. I hadn't even known she was sick. Did her husband resent our posting to her on FB? I didn't have any way of telling her how much she meant to me. It'd been years, but I still loved her. Yes, he might have asked, where the hell was I when she was dying? I was living in a different town, unaware of her situation. But that doesn't mean I don't still feel for her. The Mary I knew and loved, part of her still had to exist even though her life took a long path and made different turns than mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members EternalFlames Posted October 26, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 26, 2016 9 hours ago, KayC said: Did her husband resent our posting to her on FB? I didn't have any way of telling her how much she meant to me. It'd been years, but I still loved her. Yes, he might have asked, where the hell was I when she was dying? I was living in a different town, unaware of her situation. But that doesn't mean I don't still feel for her. The Mary I knew and loved, part of her still had to exist even though her life took a long path and made different turns than mine. Your situation is different, because she died suddenly, before you had an opportunity to reconnect. My wife was known to be terminally ill for a year. We were very public about it on social media. More than once, we put out a call for her friends to contact us and schedule visits before she died. Many, many friends did come visit or send cards or donate money. Many flew in from out of town to visit. Given that there was so much opportunity, I see no reason why anyone who cared would not have bothered to do something while she was alive but thought it was worthwhile to post something the day she died. It's not like she could read it. Who was the message for? I don't know them. Maybe they felt sad and nostalgic, but if they weren't touched enough to actually do something about it for the previous year, then they clearly didn't care that much. More likely, they noticed how many others were posting about her death and were piggybacking on the "feel good" bandwagon. It was a superficial sentiment, the way people react to viral posts just because they're viral, then forget about them the next day. These were not people who used to be her best friends. These were people whose names she had never once mentioned to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 27, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted October 27, 2016 5 hours ago, EternalFlames said: Given that there was so much opportunity, I see no reason why anyone who cared would not have bothered to do something while she was alive but thought it was worthwhile to post something the day she died. It sounds like token sorrow, not heartfelt, someone who doesn't want to bother, not really. I'm sorry this was your experience, people can be really inappropriate sometimes. It's hard to handle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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