Being alone is hard

[MEW]

My name is Mary and I lost my husband suddenly. He had been in pain for 3 months due to what we thought was sciatic nerve pain. 2 months later found out with the autopsy report that it was an aggressive leukemia. He died suddenly at home. It has been 4 1/2 months since he died. I miss him so much and feel so alone. I do have some really good friends that have been terrific in helping with things. And other friends and family that are always a phone call away. But at the end of the day, I am still alone. We were not only partners in marriage but also in business, so it is a double loss. We had been married for 16 yrs. He was only 46 yrs old. I was 10 yrs older so now I am looking at a very lonely life in my old age. I dont sleep very much at night, in fact I havent turned off the bedroom light since he died. If I go somewhere else for the night I have no problem turning out the light at night. I am also overwhelmed with trying to deal with both personal and business issues. We shared so many things together, whether it was taking trips, doing business, our animals, and we both had a great sense of humor. I could talk to him about anything. 

[Janice 252]

Hi Mary. I too lost my husband very suddenly just 4 weeks ago. We had no warning. We'd spent a lovely day at a food festival . Came home. I went to make us a coffee and Bill went to watch football. I went in to speak to him and he had gone. It's so hard being alone. Like you we had a lovely life together. We had wonderful holidays but it's the little things that you miss so much. Going for a walk, watching our favourite TV programmes ,just being happy and content in each others company. We had been married for 46 years, together for almost 50. We met at school and there was never anyone else. Mary, there are some very supportive people on this site. They have really helped me. Hopefully will do the same for you. Sending hugs. 

[KMB]

Hi Mary---Feel blessed you have found this site. We are all here for you---we all have the same feelings of loss, pain and the constant heartache. Trying to get thru the day is a constant struggle, second by second. I lost my husband suddenly of a heart attack a little over 8 weeks ago. The loneliness and everything to deal with is agony. I have a very small support system. It was just my husband and I together for the most part. We do have friends, business friends and a small family but my husband and I had our together life for the most part and it's now the being alone that's agony. I have gone to a 1st grief support meet a few weeks ago. It's a small, informal group which suits me. I found it helps to be around others who know exactly what I'm going thru. There is no one in my circle who has lost their spouse and they are unable to comprehend how unbearable it's been for me.

Keep in contact on here---there is much comfort to be given here. Prayers and hugs to you!

[KayC]

Mary,

I am so sorry.  I lost my husband suddenly from heart attack.  It's been eleven years but I still miss him and think about him continually.  He was the love of my life, my soul mate and best friend.

I'm glad for sites like this, at least we know there are others who understand, that is a great support.  I'm glad you have family and friends behind you, our friends disappeared overnight, unfortunately that is common.

It's hard keeping up with the business and dealing with all of the emotions, I'm sure.  Taking one day at a time has been a help to me, try not looking at "the rest of your life", it's  too much to take on at once.

[MEW]

Thanks everyone! My friends have been great and I know they are there for me. They have helped me with so many things. They also know that they cant begin to imagine what I am going through. Though my husband was also a friend of theirs, so have that loss also. I am very grateful for all they do for me. I have tried going to see a counselor but I don't think she gets it. I d get the chance to talk but I don't think she has been helping me with the "tools" to help me handle the problems that I have. There are times when I am really on top of things, or at least I think I am. But I know that there is a lot that is being neglected. I have looked for local grief groups and so far haven't found one that isn't tied to a church. As far as that goes, I just don't want to hear the platitudes of "God has a better plan for you etc etc". I want help with the everyday emotions, problems and being able to talk about it. My family all lives far away from here. His family is here close by but they really didn't understand him and our life together. So even though they have tried to be there I wasn't that close with them anyway. I cant help them in their loss. Nor do I want to when I have gotten the "what did he leave me from his brother" and his mother has asked the same thing for the brother.

[MEW]

5 hours ago, Janice 252 said:

Hi Mary. I too lost my husband very suddenly just 4 weeks ago. We had no warning. We'd spent a lovely day at a food festival . Came home. I went to make us a coffee and Bill went to watch football. I went in to speak to him and he had gone. It's so hard being alone. Like you we had a lovely life together. We had wonderful holidays but it's the little things that you miss so much. Going for a walk, watching our favourite TV programmes ,just being happy and content in each others company. We had been married for 46 years, together for almost 50. We met at school and there was never anyone else. Mary, there are some very supportive people on this site. They have really helped me. Hopefully will do the same for you. Sending hugs. 

Janice I think back to my grandfather passing back in 1971. It was pretty much like you said. My grandmother had gone in the kitchen to do dishes and my grandfather was watching tv. He didn't answer her and she came out to find he was gone, heart failure if I remember correctly. Being a kid I never gave it much thought other then, he went quietly and quickly. I think that is the best way to go. Though it does not help the one left behind. Never thought about what my grandmother was going through at the time. But I was only 12 yrs old at the time. My husband suffered from a lot of pain in the months before his passing. But we had no clue that it was a life ending issue. We did get to take two trips together in that time and so got to enjoy that time. But the unexpectedness of it left me so unprepared emotionally and in all the other ways, financially, organized etc. Also the shock of finding him dead is hard to deal with, it was so sudden.

[KMB]

Mary and Janice----My husband had everything prepared materially, in only the way a man can I guess. They are hard wired to work, provide for the family. We are never prepared emotionally. There is no cure for heart failure. My husband had heart damage even before his bypass surgery. I wish that my husband had talked to me about the emotional side. About how he wanted me to cope, what  advice and wisdom for me to keep going on.  The emotional impact that was going to hit me and turn our life as I knew it, upside down. Knowing my husband and how much he loved me, I know he thought of it, but couldn't find the words to express anything. There were many times I would walk into the same room where he was or I would walk outside to where he was sitting  and see him with such a look of sadness that broke my heart. I would ask him if he was alright, anything I could do for him , give him an opening to bring it out, but my stoic husband would fluff it off and act like he was alright. I know now, he was trying to spare me. He knew if he brought up the reality that he knew he was going to die soon, that I would have freaked out.I was in such denial, holding onto hope that another surgery or a different med would come along. On reflection, I now realize he was trying to distance himself emotionally from me, the last few months. Even physically, sleeping on the couch or in his kitchen chair. If we were in the same room for any length of time, he would purposely move to another room. As if, not sleeping in our bed, or being in the same room would somehow make it easier for me to adjust to him not being here. That was his way, I see it now, and my heart breaks even more that he felt that need to behave that way out of his love for me.

[MEW]

KMB I am sad that men feel like they have to be the strong person emotionally. I am not sure your husband was trying to distance himself from you though that might have been part of it. He may have been trying to deal with it himself and knowing that he was going to die was probably very hard on him. I mean I cant even imagine what it must be like, knowing you are going to die. Though I realize that we all will someday but knowing it is coming, has to be something that is very hard to deal with. the finality of it all. Plus knowing you are leaving your partner in life. In a way I am glad that we didn't get a diagnosis of leukemia before he died, because then my husband would have suffered through what yours did, He would have had to deal with a lot more doctor visits and medicine that would not have done any good. The type he had was aggressive 3 to 6 months tops. I wish I had the chance to say goodbye to him and have had the time to prepare, but not at the expense of his suffering through it. Because he was a very sensitive guy deep down. But he would have put his own feelings aside to make everything right by me. We had such a great relationship, partnership for 16 yrs it is just so hard to deal with the thought of being alone. I feel so empty, so much at a loss of what to do, That is the emotional side of me. I do deal with some things pretty well but easily get overwhelmed with all that needs to be done. Sometimes to the point of not doing anything. I told someone that I felt like I was under a bunch of trees looking up at all the branches and them all bearing down on me. And not being able to deal with all of it. I do know if I start with and focus on only one branch at a time it will get done. But if I do get going on things, I end up jumping from one thing to another trying to manage everything and seems like nothing is getting the attention it needs. I mention that we had a business, which is rental housing, plus we have acreage with horses, dogs, a house that has been neglected, a garage full of stuff that we used to collect to sell at flea markets and trying to figure out all the bills because he handled all of those and had his own system which was such a mix of online payments, pay by credit card then payoff the credit card and direct pay out of bank accounts. It was a mess to figure out. Oh and did I mention dealing with the attorney for his estate? I can go on and on of issues that are overwhelming me. Sorry, it is just so hard to deal with it all!

[KMB]

No need to apologize---I know I've been dealing with the over whelmness  at times also. When someone passes away, others want instant decisions, a protocol to follow. Then the immediate is done with and everyone leaves and you're left to pick up the pieces and take care of the rest. I'm tired of being strong. I break down a lot. I spent this afternoon looking through photos and sending some to one of my husband's military buddies. He *lost custody* of all his photos in a divorce. I was fighting an anxiety attack doing this for him. But, he is grieving also and I want to give him comfort of the photos. Only a few photos of *us*. Either my husband or I using the camera. Two of our friends should have photos of us but they are on several memory cards and they don't have the time to go through the cards. And I hate to remind them because they are busy and it's just me being emotional.

[MEW]

I was strong through the initial decisions that had to be made right away. Fairly strong up until the funeral service, then things started to sink in. Service was on a Saturday, on Monday his aunt tried to take over and make decisions for me. I totally broke down, mainly because that was neither the time nor her place to do it. Her intentions were good but it made me feel like she thought I was not capable (intellectually speaking) of dealing with things. What is worse she then went behind my back and got phone numbers of my good friends, so she could contact them. She lives out of state by the way. She was telling them that they needed to contact all my utility companies and credit card companies etc and handle stuff for me. I had to send her an email and tell her to leave my friends alone. Then she got mad and I then had to deal with the fallout of that but oh well I didn't need her in my business. Luckily my friends held on through all of that and they truly have been so helpful. Granted they do have to deal with their own lives but they do try to help out as much as possible with things that I could not physically do myself. The dealing with bills and all of that has been totally on me though. Yes I feel like I am picking up pieces and that they keep getting knocked back down. Its been over 4 months and I still have not gone through his personal items or his clothes. Bu there has been so much other stuff to do, I really haven't had the time. On the subject of photos, that was tough trying to come up with photos for the service. Most everything is on the phone, don't have very many actual photos. The ones we did have were places I couldn't think of in those first few days. There are times when I think, this really cant have happened it cant be real. Where is that redo button?

I am glad that I have found this site. Most people don't know what I am going through or they are tired to hearing it.

[KMB]

Sending a prayer for you Mary---it's the best I can do or say to comfort you.

Having a tough time just getting through the days myself. I haven't touched my husband's personal things yet either and it's not because I don't have the time. His jacket is still over the kitchen chair, his hat, keys and cellphone still on the table.His reading glasses. I've been piling up his magazines and weekly paper on the table. He always read the paper while eating and I would read it sometime later. Footwear and another jacket out in the entry way. His hat racks still on the wall. A pair of his sweatpants are still in the laundry basket, can't bring myself to wash them. I helped him put a clean pair on ,his last night. Out of sight does NOT mean out of mind. I feel like I'm in an empty void  and lost and confused and only my husband can bring me out. But he can't. It's that reality that I haven't fully faced yet.

I try, I finally drag myself out of bed, I let the dog out, I let the dog in. I give the dog a little breakfast with his arthritis med. I make coffee for myself and plunk myself in front of the computer, which I use to keep me distracted from dealing with the things I should be doing. The tv is on loud, the way my husband liked it. I find it helps with the being alone. I eventually clean up, brush my teeth and try to do some small thing. I get outside in the afternoon, weather permitting. My husband is probably shaking his head and wondering what happened to that happy person who had the most energy in the morning to get things done? I know I'm never going to be the same again. The love of my life is not here to give me a purpose for everything I once did.

Sorry, Mary,---I vented a lot more than I meant to. I should be giving you comfort and not bringing you further down. HUGS to you.

[KayC]

This is all hard to think about...the thoughts that went through their heads as they were dying, what were they thinking?  different people face death differently.  I've heard experts say that it is peaceful...but when my husband went it was heart and it appeared anything but peaceful as he was in extreme pain...a panicky look on his face.  I didn't get to watch him die as they threw me out and locked the door, but I saw enough of his heart attack to know it was neither peaceful nor painless.  I always wished I could have been there for him, but maybe it was easier on him without him having to worry about my feelings.  I just know this is damned hard.

Today would have been our 15th wedding anniversary.

[KMB]

I'm so sorry, KayC-- Pray to Bill and tell him what the day is and ask him for a sign to let you know he's thinking of you.

[MEW]

KMB I totally understand! I am like you not wanting to get out of bed every day. Though there are somethings that I have to get up and deal with. Like right now I am pet sitting a dog and he needs to go out in the morning. Doesn't matter if I haven't gotten any sleep all night or how many times I have woken up through out the night. I had to meet someone this morning to buy some materials for a fence that I have to have fixed, so I was out early this morning for me. My friends would like to get in the bedroom and help me redo it. But to me that is my private place that has his personal stuff in it and like you have I have not really gone through his things, much less let anyone else do it.

You will not be the same person you were before. But at some point you will find a new you and a stronger you. I think grief is like a physical injury that needs time to heal. But since it is an emotion and not a solid thing, it will start to heal and then get reinjured and so it will always be an ongoing process. But even if it is one step forward and two steps back, it will get better. That is one of my biggest hang ups right now... trying to know who I am supposed to be. I was a wife and a partner, now it is just me and who am I without him by my side. But as with anything in life, we will adapt to the changes that we are going through, it just takes time. Okay so that is my logical brain talking.... dealing with it emotionally on a day to day, hour by hour is tough. I get hung up on my computer, playing games, checking email whatever, knowing full well there are things that I need to be attending to. But I don't want to face it or deal with it and so I avoid it.

Your words of it being an empty void, is so true. That's why at night I cant sleep and get on facebook trying to connect with people to fill that empty void that is there when I stop doing things or being with people. The emptiness, loneliness and the quiet of not having your partner there by your side. I am not a total wreck, just a scattered wreck, but I know with time I will come back together and be whole again.  

[MEW]

Kay that had to have been horrible, I am so sorry. I don't know if it is better to be by there side or not to be. But we didn't have a choice in it. I found my husband dead and when I called 911 of course they wanted me to do CPR. Which meant that in the tiny space I had to try to reposition him to even attempt it and he was a big guy. Those memories I wish I didn't have!

[Janice 252]

Mary. That was exactly what happened to me. The operator to me to get Bill on the floor but he was 6 2 and 17 St. I hurt my arm trying to move him. Ran to my neighbour who helped me. I was being talked through CPR when the paramedics arrived. Bill's lips were blue and his eyes were open and I can't get that picture out of my head. There was nothing they could do.i think that'll haunt me for the rest of my days. Sending prayers and hugs x

[KayC]

These memories are hard and haunting.

[Janice 252]

Hello to KayC, KMB and Mary. Hope you are all getting through this day. I have been awake since 2am and lay in bed feeling so sick. Dr has prescribed new meds for the nausea but I can't say they're helping. I feel sick because Bill is not here and no meds can change that. Eventually dragged myself out of bed and did manage to get to the hairdressers. It was long overdue. Then my friend took me out for lunch. Well she had lunch. I just pushed my food around the plate. But it was good to get out and talk about her life. I do appreciate her. Now I'm home.  In this lonely house. I haven't moved any of bill's things. I don't know when I'll be able to even think about it.  Sending prayers and hugs to you all x

[MEW]

Janice I am sorry it is affecting you so badly. I was only with my husband for 16 1/2 yrs and I know how lost I am without him by my side. I cant imagine how it must be for you after so many years together. I think you said it has only been 4 weeks since he passed. It will get better, not easier but better. I know I cry less often now but it doesn't take much to get me crying though. But I know I am getting better, but there is so much that I haven't adjusted to yet. Winter is coming and that scares me, to be alone and having to deal with all things related to that. Then add in all the holidays coming up, I don't want to deal with all of that. Everything now depends on me to get it done and I am not sure I can handle it all.

I don't feel sick, I have the opposite problem all I want to do is eat junk food and not just a little. I do go see a therapist once a week but not sure it is helping. I do get to talk about a lot of things and that may be helping. But I guess there isn't a miracle to fix what is broken on the inside. Do know that you need to take care of yourself and be strong. We can get through this somehow someway.

[Janice 252]

Thank you . Mary. I need to know this will get better. It will never go away but at some point life will be liveable . That something will make me smile.  I too am dreading this winter. I have always hated the dark nights. Right now I go to bed really early. Lock up pull the curtains and watch some rubbish TV . To be honest it's the best part of my day and. I look forward to it from the minute I get up. It's where I feel safe. I am trying to eat. I know I need to. I've lost nearly 14lbs in the last 4 weeks but when the nausea abates I eat all I can. Can't manage anything cooked but fruit is ok and some chocolate. Not great I know but better than nothing. I'm trying to keep busy though I know I'm not great company. My daughter has some friends from university staying with her for a few days so I'm going to visit them this afternoon. Hope you have a better day today. Hugs x

[KMB]

Mary and Janice---Prayers and hugs for all of us. Someone I had a short chat with yesterday suggested a book I might want to read that helps explain life, our purpose and the afterlife and our souls. Journey of Souls by Michael Newton. I'm currently reading, My Time in Heaven by Richard Sigmund---about a near death experience. Have to have an open mind and believe in God. I also read, Jesus Daily. Daily affirmations to help get thru the day.Also have another called, Never Letting Go by Mark Anthony---the afterlife, how our loved ones stay in connection to us.

Desperation and a need for understanding why I'm in such intense pain and depression has me reaching out for some kind of explanations. A friend of ours who was dealing with a brain tumor and beat it, shared his story of his own near death experience. He said, if he had had his way, he would have stayed in heaven. A nurse in the room who noticed he was slipping away, gave him an injection to bring him back.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Janice 252 said:

I haven't moved any of bill's things. I don't know when I'll be able to even think about it.

Don't worry about it.  They can sit there for all eternity and it won't hurt a thing.  If they bother you, then you can move them.  If they bring you any sense of comfort, let them stay.  There's no hard and fast rule about taking care of their things.  If you have to sell something for money, we often have to push ourselves and oh god the pain, but otherwise, we can take our time with it.