Two year anniversary of moms death

[Felicity1212]

Yesterday was two years, and these feelings haven't lessened. The pain is unbearable, sometimes leaving me gasping for air in disbelief. My mom was my best friend, my heroine, my mentor, my idol, my everything. She was the strongest person I've ever known. I can't believe she didn't beat the cancer. I'm upset on so many different levels. Why didn't she fight harder? She was diagnosed in May and died in September. A mere 4 months. I feel somewhat guilty. I made her go to the hospital after a week of feeling very sick and weak. I thought it was a cold or a virus. I didn't mean for it to be cancer. Maybe if I would've just let her be , and didn't make her go get seen, maybe just maybe she would still be here. I feel robbed. I won't have her advice for wedding plans, parenting plans, no more hugs, no more telling me "everything will be ok sweetheart". I miss her smell, her touch. I took it all for granted. I honestly thought she would beat it. Up until her last breath I had hope. Watching her moan in pain from her organs shutting down , plays like a horror movie in my mind. A woman who had never smoked or drank in her life , dies from cancer??? She was a vegetarian, excercised daiky, a yoga fanatic. I don't understand. I just don't get it. She lived an extremely healthy lifestyle and for her to get cancer and die this way.... It's just not fair. I don't understand. I feel like no one can understand how I'm feeling. Not even my siblings. This pain is crushing , and I feel as if I can barely breath just typing this. Please someone any tips , advice ? I don't even know if there ever will be an end to this grief. I don't know how do accept this . I can't even understand it at all. God help me .  

[silverkitties]

I couldn't help but notice that your mom's date of passing is not too distant from my mother's: October 4, 2014--exactly a year apart. She was diagnosed w/ bile duct cancer in mid-June after a stroke on April 24 of that same year.

My mom was my everything too--particularly since I don't get along with my dad and have no partner or family of my own. Mom had been with me through everything, all the way from grade school to grad school. She's seen and read nearly everything of mine from book reports to book proposals: it saddens me immensely to think that she will not see my first published book which I'm on the verge of finishing. It was always comforting to have her around....to know that if she wasn't in the next room, I could call her across town.  I remember always feeling a sense of relief whenever she'd return home, either from the market or from across the Pacific. Thank God she was still around!

My mom had always snapped back whenever she was ill; in fact, it seemed like she was rarely ever ill. She seemed to be the strongest 80+ year old I'd ever seen, one who could easily pass for 60-something. She'd fly up and downstairs like it was no one's business.  That's why when she was diagnosed w cancer and given a life expectancy of 6 months to a year, we were so surprised. Yet, the signs were there as she deteriorated rapidly, which we tried not to acknowledge. She'd get better, I'd tell myself. She's having an off day. Then she would be sent to the hospital and we'd wait for her to recover.

There's a part of me that wonders if things would have changed had we done things differently--it's too long to get into here (look for my thread "Approaching the one year anniversary of my mom's passing" which I started sometime in late September 2015): for instance, had we gone for a second opinion. I really wish we did even though she really liked her oncologist apart from the fact that he seemed to have a stellar education and training. I wish we did not let the nurse send her to the hospital in July 2014. And for the longest time, I was beating myself up for having sent her to the hospital that 3rd Sunday in September 2014. I have since stopped blaming myself for the latter because if she did have a stroke or seizure, I would have been kicking myself for NOT having called the nurse. And she probably wouldn't have lasted that much longer anyway, given the speed of her decline.  Anyway, the point is that we will always have regrets....even if we've done as much as we can. 

I must say I felt better this year than last--probably because I've been keeping myself extremely busy. However,  I think what helped me tremendously too was finding this site: being able to write about my feelings was a boon. Not to mention that many of the folks here have been very understanding. So I hope you will take the chance to tell us about your wonderful mother. Tell us what she did, what you enjoyed together, and why she was so special.

And on the subject of regrets, it's also good to think about what you've done RIGHT and what you've relished that year. Yes, relished.  When I look back on 2014, I think about all the times I cooked for mom and made sure that she ate. I think about our moments together when I would give her her meds and she would thank me. I think about the gifts I have her and how happy she seemed--like that cat purse which I got for myself but which I could instantly tell she wanted. So I lied and told her I got it for her.  I think about the times when I said to myself, I'm going to make mom live a few more years (ha, delusive!). And I also remember the happiness I had on the days when we thought she was improving and our return home from the hospital.

Of course, it doesn't mean that our sorrows will disappear altogether. I know I still have sad, wistful moments where the sight of various things brings back a lot of memories...seeing a shirt I wore might remind me of the time I wore it when visiting her in the hospital. Putting on a certain lipstick might remind me of the times we went shopping. Seeing a reminder of England might remind me of the times she visited me over there. Etc. They are all accompanied with pangs, remembering our happy times together and knowing I will never enjoy them again.

Do join us on the daily thread...sometimes it feels better just to know there are others feeling the same way you are.

 

 

[Blaine725]

Felicity,

First off, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! I just signed up for this forum because I needed to know that I'm not going crazy. My mother died February 10th 2015. Coming up on 2 years. I can't stop thinking about her death. Stage 4 lung cancer. 10 days from diagnosis to death. She survived throat cancer and just when things were getting better for her, she got this horrible diagnosis. The grief has reared it's ugly head just recently. I was her only child. She was my best friend. I feel robbed as well. I want to remember the good things but only the bad things come to mind such as her suffering and my guilt. I feel like a piece of me is gone. That being said, I have learned to really listen to that voice in my head that I now know is her. I just started seeing a therapist and am going to see about meds next week. I am a single mother and must face this. My daughter was so important to my mother and i know she would want me to be the best mom I can be. I am so grateful for this forum and for your stories and experiences. Please keep sharing. It's not only helpful to you, it's helpful to anyone who has lost their special loved one, their mother. God bless you all!