Members Ellie Posted August 25, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 25, 2016 I lost the love of my life, Drew, in a horrible accident on our property in Virginia five weeks ago today. He and I lived together for the past two years, and had been together about a year and a half before that. It was just a normal Thursday, he'd gone out to mow the acreage, while I was working from home. At dinner time, I signed off work and went looking for him because he hadn't come back into the house as expected. Our driveway is a mile long, and I found him about halfway down, lying face down next to the large, zero-turn mower that apparently had flipped him over an embankment and crushed him. Not only am I dealing with this horrifically sudden loss, but also with the trauma and shock of finding him that way, of performing CPR, of watching the paramedics pronounce him dead. I replay that "video" in my head over and over, and try to get those awful images to go away. I think I'm still in shock, although I'm just now starting to understand this is all really happening and he's really not ever coming back. He was in perfect health, very fit, a retired FBI agent who kept working out every day and never got sick, ever. We had every reason to believe he'd live to 100, and that we'd enjoy 35 blissful years together. That he could be taken so suddenly, and while doing something as mundane as mowing the lawn, has left me anxious about my own safety in driving to the grocery store or the post office. After the first few days of utter shock and disbelief, I now find myself crying daily but somehow still functioning, like a zombie on auto pilot. My grief counselor, who's not terribly useful, assures me I'm normal and that I'm moving through classic grief and mourning. But, I'm feeling horribly cheated at the bright, blissful future that's been torn away from both of us, and feeling like I'm trying to swim through mud every day. I miss him dreadfully and talk to him several times a day, hoping his spirit is staying with me and can hear me, protect me. People keep asking what they can do for me, and I tell them all, the only thing that will really help, is just bring him back please... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Krantz Posted August 25, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 25, 2016 Ellie, I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a good site for that extra support. Its been 3 months since I lost my fiancé and the replay of the paramedics pronouncing Adam dead continues to replay in my head over and over again as well. Its traumatizing and devastating. It will take a long time to get through this, but please try to take care of yourself. Please lean on family and friends for support and of course us. What helps me is trying to keep myself busy with friends and family. I'm super close to Adam's family, so being around them helps me significantly. Please hang in there the best you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ellie Posted August 25, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted August 25, 2016 Thank you. I'm so devastated I don't know what to do. I miss him so dreadfully, and when the realization hits me that he's never coming back, it's like I'm being swallowed whole by blackness. I'm hoping this forum will offer some support by others who know this awful feeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 25, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 25, 2016 Ellie, Welcome to this site, I am very sorry you lost the love of your life. My husband died right after he turned 51, also the picture of health, but looks are deceiving because he died of a heart attack. All of the emotions you are experiencing are normal grief response. I'm sorry you don't seem to be getting much from the grief counselor, how many sessions have you had? If you've had three and are getting no help, perhaps talk it over with him/her and look for another one. It does help to express yourself, and writing here, journalling, it all helps. It's a good safe place with others that understand and are going through similar experiences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ellie Posted August 26, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted August 26, 2016 Thank you, KayC. I've had two sessions with the grief counselor, going back next week. He just nods and says "yeah" a lot. I've tried finding a support group nearby, but there aren't many options out here in the country; that's why I've turned to this on line support group instead. I think I'm feeling a bit more stable at one point in the day, then a few minutes later I'm sobbing uncontrollably. I suppose that's "normal"...?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BigKev Posted August 27, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 27, 2016 Good evening Ellie, I am so very sorry for your loss. You may feel alone, but you're not. I lost my wife, 54 years old, 7 weeks ago, sudden and unexpected. I found her and tried CPR to no avail. I was there when the EMT's stopped. I relive it every time I try and picture her but it gets a little less severe each time. I'm not over it by any stretch but it's a little more "bearable" than it was the last time. I honestly haven't been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I'm gonna try real hard to find that. I only sign on here at night so I may miss some posts, but if I can be of any help, just reach out. I'll answer.................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ellie Posted August 27, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted August 27, 2016 Thank you, Kev. I can't imagine ever being over losing Drew, but maybe one day just handling it better and getting through a day without collapsing in tears. I miss him so, so much and just can't grasp that he's really gone. But...and this might sound crazy....I keep thinking I'm seeing "signs" from him, that he's still with me somehow and protecting me. I don't believe in stuff like that, yet....it's giving me a little comfort, and I'll take any comfort I can get. Has anyone else noticed "signs" from their lost loved ones? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted August 27, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 27, 2016 13 hours ago, Ellie said: Thank you, Kev. I can't imagine ever being over losing Drew, but maybe one day just handling it better and getting through a day without collapsing in tears. I miss him so, so much and just can't grasp that he's really gone. But...and this might sound crazy....I keep thinking I'm seeing "signs" from him, that he's still with me somehow and protecting me. I don't believe in stuff like that, yet....it's giving me a little comfort, and I'll take any comfort I can get. Has anyone else noticed "signs" from their lost loved ones? I feel your pain, Ellie, and I am sorry you have to experience it. My husband, picture of health like Kay said, died of a massive heart attack almost 8 months ago. I was with him when it happened and it was horrible. You are in shock...normal reaction...and you will be experiencing many more emotions. Crying is the only outlet for me. If crying helps you, cry. Going to a grief counselor is useful, but it is a slow process. Whereas they are trained for this type of counseling, the only thing they can do is listening to you and try to find the best coping mechanisms that work for you ( based on your input, of course). Don't give up on counseling just yet. Change the counselor if the current one is not helpful. As far as signs from my husband, yes...I have seen them. I feel a presence in the house especially when I am crying. I smell his cologne. I feel like he is protecting me by pointing me in the right direction. I just feel him. Reach out to us every time you need to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 27, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 27, 2016 Yes, I would say it's normal for grieving. Maybe try telling the grief counselor what you'd hoped you'd get from it and that you don't feel you are (some sense of where to start, what to do with what you're feeling) and maybe give it one more try before switching to another grief counselor. I hear you, I live in the country too, there are NO support groups here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ellie Posted August 28, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2016 I think I'm getting past the shock and disbelief, and now the real grieving is hitting me. I'm suddenly being overwhelmed with waves of intense sadness, crying jags, nausea, and emptiness at the thought of a future without Drew. I think I'm starting to feel some anger too, not at him, but at the situation and the unfairness of him being taken so suddenly and senselessly. I keep asking Drew, why he isn't here, how can he not be here with me? I just want him to hug me again.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted August 28, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2016 7 hours ago, Ellie said: I think I'm getting past the shock and disbelief, and now the real grieving is hitting me. . About 5-6 weeks in is when the shock and denial begins to wear off, so that is probably what you are experiencing. As for everything else you are feeling, you are going to feel it all whenever it pops up and however it pops up. Grief is not sequential. We don't move from one emotion to another, rather we feel all of the emotions in a seemingly random order. The grief process is definitely more of a grief roller coaster. It seems to me that a lot of people don't really like seeing a grief counselor. Of course, everyone grieves differently, but I cannot speak highly enough about what a great grief counselor can do. Maybe I just got lucky with mine, but she is truly amazing. With your grief counselor, please keep in mind that you have to form a relationship with him just like you would any other doctor. Your grief is still really young and is rapidly changing. It can be difficult to offer coping techniques or to really get into deep conversation when your emotions change from week to week. I did not start seeing a grief counselor until about a month and a half after my fiance died. At that point I was ready to talk to someone. It could be that you simply aren't ready to talk. It could also be that you need a different approach. As KayC suggested, talk to your counselor about what you expect from your sessions. He certainly cannot help you if he doesn't know what you need/what your concerns are. At least make sure that you are talking to someone. Keep all of this grief inside is not possible without severely damaging you in the process. Keep reaching out to us. If nothing else, we can relate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 28, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 28, 2016 Oh Ellie, I know. It's hard, I think the one thing I wish for more than anything is to be held by him one more time. I miss talking with him about everything, I miss his companionship and a multitude of other things, but being held by him tops the list of what I miss most. We may not be able to change anything but we are here to listen and care and as claribassist said, we can relate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ellie Posted August 30, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted August 30, 2016 Thank you for your replies. It helps to know others out there understand and empathize. I finished the third (last) session with the grief counselor yesterday. He says he admires my strength and that I'm coping about as well as can be expected. I guess it helps to know that I'm "normal" in terms of grief stages and experiences, but it doesn't lessen the pain, nor does it bring Drew back to me. I have had friends visiting almost end-to-end since the accident, and the company seems to soothe me and keep me focused on other things, so I don't dwell on the pain of the loss so much. When I'm alone, though, the grief is overwhelming and the tears spring up again. I'm going to continue to try to find a support group in this area, for those who have lost spouses/partners. I think talking with people who've been through similar experiences would be more helpful than continuing sessions with the grief counselor who's never suffered such an intensely personal, sudden, tragic loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BigKev Posted August 31, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 31, 2016 Signs...........Yes............ Butterflies and chipmunks. I'll be able to explain at some point but yes, and it makes me smile. I can feel her around me when that happens and it softens the blow. "Save a chipmunk, Save the world" . I can hear her now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ellie Posted August 31, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted August 31, 2016 Hummingbirds here....since the day after the accident, I'm seeing a hummingbird almost every day, often hovering right in front of me, three or four feet away, then disappearing. And dozens and dozens of butterflies. Electrical activity also, lights flickering, TV channels changing, stuff like that. Call me crazy, but if it comforts me a little.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 31, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 31, 2016 Hummingbirds, dragonflies, and butterflies for me. BigKev, that brought a smile to my face, I love that! 16 hours ago, BigKev said: "Save a chipmunk, Save the world" . I can hear her now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members StevenKelly Posted September 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 13, 2016 Ellie I'm so sorry. I know what you are going through. My wife and I planned to grow old together and talked about it constantly and then she was yanked out of my life. Now I just want her back and that's all I can think about. So sorry that Drew is gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 14, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted September 14, 2016 We bought a porch swing "to grow old together on"...it didn't happen. It's hard, we not only are missing them, but grieving all of our dreams as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ellie Posted September 14, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted September 14, 2016 Eight weeks tomorrow.... I find time has lost all meaning. In some respects, if seems like I've been going through this terrible pain forever, and in other respects, I can't believe eight weeks has gone by and so much has changed, so quickly. It feels likes it's been one, long, arduous, unending day since Drew's accident. How could I have survived, managed, adjusted, for nearly two whole months, without Drew? The irony is, if ever I had to face a daunting challenge, Drew was always in my corner, my staunchest advocate and support system. Now I'm facing the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life, and he's not here to help me through it. I'm spending tomorrow in the city with a friend, so I don't have to be here, on the property, where the accident happened with all the constant reminders around me, on the 8-week mark (I find I'm not handling Thursdays well these days). Thanks for the empathetic posts. It helps to know others understand this pain, from the inside out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 14, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted September 14, 2016 I'm glad you'll be with a friend. You're in my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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