Another lonely weekend without my love..

[Krantz]

I cant believe this coming Monday will be 2 months since I last saw, kissed, hugged, and talked to the love of my life.  I miss him so much it hurts.  I still cant believe he's gone!  I recently moved back to our home since I've been staying with his parents and reality hit me once I arrived back.  I don't know if I can emotionally stay there long-term. I purposely book my weekends with friends and family to keep myself busy.  During the week at our home, its quiet and lonely.  I just lay on the couch depressed..  I do have his dog Pede with me to keep me company.  Its not the same anymore..

[claribassist13]

Being in a place where you guys were together all the time is going to be hard. You have fresh reminders and memories to bombard you. 

You may not be able to stay there long-term, and that is perfectly okay. I found out that my fiance died while I was at work and after a few months I had to quit because I couldn't take the constant reminder. 
Give yourself some time to adjust back, and remember to take the time you need to grieve. Keeping busy will help you, but don't purposely put off your grief. 

[KayC]

As long as you spend some time with grief, it doesn't hurt to keep busy...it's only when we use busyness to avoid our grief that it's a problem.  It's hard to do our grief 24/7, so it helps to have some distractions to make life tolerable.

George & I being married, we'd lived together here for some time when he died.  While it can bring visible reminders, a little further into the grief it can also bring comfort, knowing this is the place the two of you shared.  I've seen some people sell their place, but far more hang onto the place that was theirs together.

[velvettuberose]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

As long as you spend some time with grief, it doesn't hurt to keep busy...it's only when we use busyness to avoid our grief that it's a problem.  It's hard to do our grief 24/7, so it helps to have some distractions to make life tolerable.

George & I being married, we'd lived together here for some time when he died.  While it can bring visible reminders, a little further into the grief it can also bring comfort, knowing this is the place the two of you shared.  I've seen some people sell their place, but far more hang onto the place that was theirs together.

I agree with you, Kay. It really can bring comfort. But again, my husband did not die in the house, so this place is my little oasis. I touch his clothes and books and kitchen equipment- he liked to cook and bake- and it feels like I touch him. I feel anxiety if I have to go to someone else's house to visit or even stay over night. I recently went to Myrtle Beach for a few days and I was on edge for the entire time. I was eager to come back home.

But it is different for everyone...depending on their situation...and I can understand that.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

But again, my husband did not die in the house,

I can see where that'd make a huge difference.  Yet I know a lot of people who find comfort in their home even though their spouse did die at home.  It was where they shared their lives together, it somehow feels part of him is still here.  This is where he spent the happiest years of his life, I want to preserve that for him.

[Millie681]

27 minutes ago, KayC said:

I can see where that'd make a huge difference.  Yet I know a lot of people who find comfort in their home even though their spouse did die at home.  It was where they shared their lives together, it somehow feels part of him is still here.  This is where he spent the happiest years of his life, I want to preserve that for him.

I agree. I wanted to stay in his house the place he was happiest but was unable to. Now I'm in a place where we had no memories together which is heartbreaking.  My life turned upside down in an instant. 

 I still go to the place we would have lunch all the time.  I know people think it's weird because I go by myself but it brings me comfort to go there. 

[KayC]

I don't think it's weird at all, you're connecting with him by being in a place you shared.

[velvettuberose]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I can see where that'd make a huge difference.  Yet I know a lot of people who find comfort in their home even though their spouse did die at home.  It was where they shared their lives together, it somehow feels part of him is still here.  This is where he spent the happiest years of his life, I want to preserve that for him.

Yes, Walter spent the happiest and the most peaceful years in our house. 

[Forever His x]

On 22/07/2016 at 6:31 PM, Krantz said:

I cant believe this coming Monday will be 2 months since I last saw, kissed, hugged, and talked to the love of my life.  I miss him so much it hurts.  I still cant believe he's gone!  I recently moved back to our home since I've been staying with his parents and reality hit me once I arrived back.  I don't know if I can emotionally stay there long-term. I purposely book my weekends with friends and family to keep myself busy.  During the week at our home, its quiet and lonely.  I just lay on the couch depressed..  I do have his dog Pede with me to keep me company.  Its not the same anymore..

Hey , 

Reading this post i felt your emotions as im feeling the exact same as you still , i know weve spoken about it before , if we havent got enough to deal with we also have a big decision to make , i went away for a visit and thought i knew what i wanted but since returning i have questioned it . 

Stay because he knows where baby will grow up and be and he will be where his dad walked about and lived , or move so i can move forward with our son as the memories are very hard his just everywhere in the house yet i dont want to move to forget as that will not be happening he is my one and only my soul mate my true love . 
I wish someone could help us or even make the decision for us , i know people say give it time and i really do understand that from people who have been in the same situation but its just a reminder i cant make any more memories and i havent got him . and also time for me just means its been longer since ive had him and touched him and been in his arms . i really dont want to be in the "life" no more its just crap ! 

Nothing is the same anymore . 

[claribassist13]

6 hours ago, Millie681 said:

 I still go to the place we would have lunch all the time.  I know people think it's weird because I go by myself but it brings me comfort to go there. 

I visit my fiance's crash site all the time. I bring flowers weekly and sometimes I just sit/lie there for hours. I get a lot of weird stares (due to its location). Don't let weird stares of other people's opinions stop you though! You just have to do what makes you feel even the slightest bit of comfort. 

[claribassist13]

2 hours ago, Forever His x said:

Stay because he knows where baby will grow up and be and he will be where his dad walked about and lived , or move so i can move forward with our son as the memories are very hard his just everywhere in the house yet i dont want to move to forget as that will not be happening he is my one and only my soul mate my true love . 

At this point, you are going to have the make the decision that is best for you. Your son is young enough that he will not have any true memories of his father or the place you use to live. You could show him pictures and tell him stories, but he will never remember by himself. 
This is not what you want to hear, but is reinforces the point that you have to do what will be best for you to continue on as you raise your son. You will never forget, and in turn your son will never forget. You will just need to do what you must to rise your son the way you want to raise him. 

[Millie681]

2 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

I visit my fiance's crash site all the time. I bring flowers weekly and sometimes I just sit/lie there for hours. I get a lot of weird stares (due to its location). Don't let weird stares of other people's opinions stop you though! You just have to do what makes you feel even the slightest bit of comfort. 

Thank you for saying that. 

It must be so tough for you to go there but I completely understand.  

[Jeff In Denver]

Saturday night, it's raining, I am alone, and I wish a lightening bolt would crash through the window and vaporize me.  I feel so alone, I miss Mila so damn much, and I don't know what the hell to do.  I was better last night when I met a friend for a few drinks.  An Indian lady is coming over to give me a massage in a while.  Maybe a little human touch will help.  I am so lonely it's ridiculous.  I never thought ahead to realize how bad this would be.

I am frustrated that I don't know how to try and communicate with her.  I am that desperate.  I have the box of ashes next to her picture, and touch both when I talk to her.  I went to the Forever Family Foundation's web sites, and wow, those mediums are expensive.  I guess they like to capitalize on the grief of desperate people.

https://www.foreverfamilyfoundation.org/

Seriously, this is what life is like now - being alone, crying, and desperately missing the love of my life.  This isn't living.  It's barely existing.

And I know that, sadly, many of you are in the same boat.  I am so sorry...

 

 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

You just have to do what makes you feel even the slightest bit of comfort. 

I agree.

[claribassist13]

2 hours ago, Millie681 said:

Thank you for saying that. 

It must be so tough for you to go there but I completely understand.  

It's tough, but it's where his last breath took place. There is a part of him there, whether I like it or not. Plus, I'm the only one who visits regularly, so it's a little place that is practically my own. 

I am sure it is tough for you to go to your cafe, but you do it anyway. You are much more resilient that you give yourself credit for. 

[claribassist13]

1 hour ago, Jeff In Denver said:

I am frustrated that I don't know how to try and communicate with her.  

Seriously, this is what life is like now - being alone, crying, and desperately missing the love of my life.  This isn't living.  It's barely existing. 

It's my personal belief that our loved ones communicate with us in a variety of ways. Sometimes we just don't pick it up. However, if going through a medium would help you, then it would be worthwhile to try it, if only once. There is no right way to do this and everyone has to figure out their own way to cope. 

Yep. Right now we are existing and we have to learn how to live again. 
I am so sorry that you are missing her so desperately. 

[KayC]

Sometimes we try everything to figure out how to cope and that's all part of our learning the right way for us.  In the end, they're still gone...not completely, just their bodies, but we find they're still in our hearts, not only that we love them, but their love for us is still with us.  Everything we brought to the other still exists...we are not the same because we met each other, that will never go back to before.

[Millie681]

13 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

It's tough, but it's where his last breath took place. There is a part of him there, whether I like it or not. Plus, I'm the only one who visits regularly, so it's a little place that is practically my own. 

I am sure it is tough for you to go to your cafe, but you do it anyway. You are much more resilient that you give yourself credit for. 

To have a place of your own where you can grieve and visit is special.  I think anything we can do for ourselves is baby steps.  If you don't mind me asking. Do you ever go there with his family? 

You are kind. I don't feel it at all. I feel so lost and weak. My therapist says my grief is like an ocean & will come in waves. Well this week for some reason I feel I'm in a storm & drowning. 

[claribassist13]

7 minutes ago, Millie681 said:

To have a place of your own where you can grieve and visit is special.  I think anything we can do for ourselves is baby steps.  If you don't mind me asking. Do you ever go there with his family? 

You are kind. I don't feel it at all. I feel so lost and weak. My therapist says my grief is like an ocean & will come in waves. Well this week for some reason I feel I'm in a storm & drowning. 

His mother comes with me sometimes. A couple of times to drop off flowers and on the six month anniversary to put up a cross. I can never stay as long as I would like though when she is there. It's overwhelming for her. She and the rest of the family tend to avoid the site while I drive past it every time I go to visit them. 

There will be days that we all feel that way. Just keep you head above the water. 

[KayC]

I scattered my husband's ashes in our back yard.  He loved our place, we enjoyed sitting out on the porch swing on our back patio, so I decided that was the place he needed to be.  I didn't decide where until two years after he died.  I've never regretted it.  I've told my kids to scatter my ashes in the same place when it's my turn to go.  Our dog and cat is buried there as well as my granddoggy.  The kids now call it "the family burial plot".

[velvettuberose]

23 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

It's tough, but it's where his last breath took place. There is a part of him there, whether I like it or not. Plus, I'm the only one who visits regularly, so it's a little place that is practically my own. 

I am sure it is tough for you to go to your cafe, but you do it anyway. You are much more resilient that you give yourself credit for. 

Clari, I admire you for doing that. You have a lot of courage. I can't go to the place my husband died. Not now anyway...It is too much for me.

I go to the cemetery every 10 days...bring flowers, talk to Walter, cry... I feel at peace there. His parents hardly visit. It feels as they have forgotten him already. So sad! 

What is still difficult for me is to go to all the places we went together. I had a lot of anxiety when I was in Myrtle Beach, SC, last week. Walter and I visited that place couple of times. A lot of memories...

I miss him so much and it hurts.

[green7]

On July 23, 2016 at 4:41 PM, claribassist13 said:

I visit my fiance's crash site all the time. I bring flowers weekly and sometimes I just sit/lie there for hours. I get a lot of weird stares (due to its location). Don't let weird stares of other people's opinions stop you though! You just have to do what makes you feel even the slightest bit of comfort. 

Claribassist13, I visit my boyfriend's crash site as well, I bring balloons to the cross every month, I try to go every week, but sometimes is overwhelming. But most of the times is comforting. It's my own personal time with him. I don't care about people staring at me, I do whatever makes me feel a little better. Sometimes people stop by and ask if they can pray with me ( I don't really pray anymore). I'm glad to know I'm not the only one doing something like this. 

[claribassist13]

35 minutes ago, velvettuberose said:

Clari, I admire you for doing that. You have a lot of courage. I can't go to the place my husband died. Not now anyway...It is too much for me.

What is still difficult for me is to go to all the places we went together. I had a lot of anxiety when I was in Myrtle Beach, SC, last week. Walter and I visited that place couple of times. A lot of memories...

I'm not sure I would call it courage. It's just something I have to do. I guess it keeps me grounded in a way. 
It's difficult for me to do things like that as well. It will take time before we can go to these places without feeling so much pain. 
I am so sorry that you are missing him so much. I wish there was something anyone could do. 

 

33 minutes ago, green7 said:

Claribassist13, I visit my boyfriend's crash site as well, I bring balloons to the cross every month, I try to go every week, but sometimes is overwhelming. But most of the times is comforting. It's my own personal time with him. I don't care about people staring at me, I do whatever makes me feel a little better. Sometimes people stop by and ask if they can pray with me ( I don't really pray anymore). I'm glad to know I'm not the only one doing something like this. 

I think it's really nice that people ask to pray with you. I have never had that sort of a reaction. 

[velvettuberose]

15 minutes ago, claribassist13 said:

I'm not sure I would call it courage. It's just something I have to do. I guess it keeps me grounded in a way. 
It's difficult for me to do things like that as well. It will take time before we can go to these places without feeling so much pain. 
I am so sorry that you are missing him so much. I wish there was something anyone could do. 

 

I think it's really nice that people ask to pray with you. I have never had that sort of a reaction. 

Thank you. I know there is nothing no one could do. 

[Millie681]

On ‎7‎/‎24‎/‎2016 at 0:44 PM, claribassist13 said:

His mother comes with me sometimes. A couple of times to drop off flowers and on the six month anniversary to put up a cross. I can never stay as long as I would like though when she is there. It's overwhelming for her. She and the rest of the family tend to avoid the site while I drive past it every time I go to visit them. 

There will be days that we all feel that way. Just keep you head above the water. 

At least she comes sometimes even as overwhelming as it is for her. I'm glad you go on your own though if it helps you. I wish I had a place to go for my Paul. I was lucky to even had gotten some of his ashes.

I will try to thank you so much

[KayC]

I wish I'd kept some of his ashes even though they were scattered in the backyard. I like the idea about having them made into a necklace, it seems like it'd be comforting.

[claribassist13]

3 hours ago, Millie681 said:

 I wish I had a place to go for my Paul. I was lucky to even had gotten some of his ashes.

I think that any place you go can be your place. Maybe you can pick somewhere that was significant to both of you. 

I can relate. I will finally be able to get some of his ashes with the next week or so. 

[claribassist13]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I wish I'd kept some of his ashes even though they were scattered in the backyard. I like the idea about having them made into a necklace, it seems like it'd be comforting.

I just bought a plain, sterling silver teardrop. It's small enough to not attract attention, but it will allow me to keep that part of him close to me. 
It's not him, but it was him, and that is comforting to me. 

[Millie681]

21 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

I think that any place you go can be your place. Maybe you can pick somewhere that was significant to both of you. 

I can relate. I will finally be able to get some of his ashes with the next week or so. 

I'm trying to do that with the place we had lunch. I even had his memorial there because his mother didn't do anything for him. I just feel like I let him down

I have a necklace with his ashes. I can't wear it but I have it. I hope you get his ashes. It is a part of them.  It's something of them no one can take from us.  

 

[claribassist13]

50 minutes ago, Millie681 said:

I'm trying to do that with the place we had lunch. I even had his memorial there because his mother didn't do anything for him. I just feel like I let him down

How did you let him down? You are doing everything possible to honor his memory and do what you think is right. He could not be more proud of you and the effort you are putting forth right now. 

[KayC]

Millie,

When people are grieving, they often feel guilt because they second guess decisions made or not realizing how bad they were physically, when the truth is, we couldn't have known or foreseen what would happen.  Even the doctors didn't pick up on it!  They didn't know themselves they were going to die, how could we have?

I hope you will learn to let go of that.  I felt that when my husband died because I hadn't recognized the signs of heart trouble and forced him to switch doctors and see a Cardiologist.  I've had to work through that and realize I'm human, I didn't know.  If anyone's to blame it's his doctor.  But blame does no good and resentment and unforgivness only cause problems in ME.  I've had to let go of that.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[velvettuberose]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

Millie,

When people are grieving, they often feel guilt because they second guess decisions made or not realizing how bad they were physically, when the truth is, we couldn't have known or foreseen what would happen.  Even the doctors didn't pick up on it!  They didn't know themselves they were going to die, how could we have?

I hope you will learn to let go of that.  I felt that when my husband died because I hadn't recognized the signs of heart trouble and forced him to switch doctors and see a Cardiologist.  I've had to work through that and realize I'm human, I didn't know.  If anyone's to blame it's his doctor.  But blame does no good and resentment and unforgivness only cause problems in ME.  I've had to let go of that.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

I felt guilt too for not recognizing the signs.  I still do. Walter did not know he was going to die that day. He had an app. with our PCP the next day.

 His passing was a total and devastating shock to me. I am  working on letting go, but I am not very successful. On top of that, I have to deal with the cold attitude of his parents, especially his mother. 

[Millie681]

On ‎7‎/‎26‎/‎2016 at 7:13 PM, claribassist13 said:

How did you let him down? You are doing everything possible to honor his memory and do what you think is right. He could not be more proud of you and the effort you are putting forth right now. 

I feel like I let him down because it wasn't what I envisioned his memorial to be. I wanted all of his real friends there. I wanted the all of the people he surrounded himself with in life to be there to celebrate him. I wasn't able to do that because I didn't have the resources & support to do that. I did what I could & all of his job was there & all of the people he & I worked with at his previous job were there along with his brother & best friend. I know he would have been happy with what I did but I just always feel like I didn't do enough. I just have this guilt around me. He did so much for me I wanted to do the same for him. He deserved to be celebrated.

 

[Millie681]

On ‎7‎/‎27‎/‎2016 at 10:54 AM, KayC said:

Millie,

When people are grieving, they often feel guilt because they second guess decisions made or not realizing how bad they were physically, when the truth is, we couldn't have known or foreseen what would happen.  Even the doctors didn't pick up on it!  They didn't know themselves they were going to die, how could we have?

I hope you will learn to let go of that.  I felt that when my husband died because I hadn't recognized the signs of heart trouble and forced him to switch doctors and see a Cardiologist.  I've had to work through that and realize I'm human, I didn't know.  If anyone's to blame it's his doctor.  But blame does no good and resentment and unforgivness only cause problems in ME.  I've had to let go of that.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Thank you KayC.

It didn't help that as we were standing over him in his hospital bed as he was on the breathing machine that his mom says to me "you should have brought him sooner".

How do I live with that? 

His best friend has told me so many times that he saw him that weekend & he told him he was fine he just needed rest. I still feel that had I done more he would still be here & I wouldn't be living in this hell I call life. He was my rock & I feel like I didn't do enough to keep him here. What if I just called the ambulance a day before ? I am just really having a hard time with this & my best friend & love is gone. 

 

[claribassist13]

1 hour ago, Millie681 said:

 I didn't have the resources & support to do that. 

Millie, that sounds like some effort was put into his event. Please keep in mind that you did what you could. The people who cared enough to come did. 

[Millie681]

21 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Millie, that sounds like some effort was put into his event. Please keep in mind that you did what you could. The people who cared enough to come did. 

Thank you for that. I will try & remember this.

[KayC]

On 7/28/2016 at 1:48 PM, Millie681 said:

his mom says to me "you should have brought him sooner".

How do I live with that? 

You don't respond to her.  You live with it because you did not know!  His mom didn't know either.  Neither did his friend.  Neither did he or he would have sought help sooner.  You aren't responsible for his death!

[Millie681]

20 hours ago, KayC said:

You don't respond to her.  You live with it because you did not know!  His mom didn't know either.  Neither did his friend.  Neither did he or he would have sought help sooner.  You aren't responsible for his death!

Thank you KayC for saying that & part of me knows you are right but another part is asking what else could I have done? I didn't respond to her after she said that but it was so hard to hear & I keep going back to that moment.  

[KayC]

It was a cruel and unthinking thing for her to say.  People who are grieving sometimes aren't thinking clearly and they have been known to strike out at people.  I imagine in her effort to make sense of his death she found it easier to blame you.  But what a horrible thing for her to do!

[Millie681]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

It was a cruel and unthinking thing for her to say.  People who are grieving sometimes aren't thinking clearly and they have been known to strike out at people.  I imagine in her effort to make sense of his death she found it easier to blame you.  But what a horrible thing for her to do!

It was so hard to hear that from her.  Our relationship only deteriorated from there. She continually said & did things that I just couldn't understand & didn't appreciate. Maybe she wasn't thinking clearly but the things she did & said after his passing I could never forgive.  I have no relationship with her now at all.  It's sad but I know Paul would understand.  

[velvettuberose]

16 minutes ago, Millie681 said:

It was so hard to hear that from her.  Our relationship only deteriorated from there. She continually said & did things that I just couldn't understand & didn't appreciate. Maybe she wasn't thinking clearly but the things she did & said after his passing I could never forgive.  I have no relationship with her now at all.  It's sad but I know Paul would understand.  

My mother-in-law argued with her son, my husband, a week before he passed. At the funeral, she did not cry a single tear. His parents did not attend the committal ceremony of Walter's cremains because they were on vacation. They showed up at the hospital 3 hours after he passed even though they live 40 minutes away from us. And some people talk about forgiving????   Never...And also my husband would understand. 

So, you don't have to talk to her if that brings you pain.

[KayC]

As a mother, I can't even imagine showing such disregard to my son, by not showing up for his service, not treating his wife well?  I have the opposite problem, I have a DIL that has shown great disrespect and treated me ill...my son has chosen not to see it but most of it she's done out of his presence...yet STILL I treat her respectfully and show caring towards her.  I realize by this time it's extremely unlikely we'll ever be close or have a relationship with each other, yet, I treat her well for my son and granddaughter's sake.  I've never done anything to deserve how she's treated me, I've bent over backwards, I think it stems from her insecurity and nothing to do with me, she wants to be the only one close to my son.  

So it's especially hard for me to see mother-in-laws that behave in the way you have endured.  I just don't get it.  

[velvettuberose]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

As a mother, I can't even imagine showing such disregard to my son, by not showing up for his service, not treating his wife well?  I have the opposite problem, I have a DIL that has shown great disrespect and treated me ill...my son has chosen not to see it but most of it she's done out of his presence...yet STILL I treat her respectfully and show caring towards her.  I realize by this time it's extremely unlikely we'll ever be close or have a relationship with each other, yet, I treat her well for my son and granddaughter's sake.  I've never done anything to deserve how she's treated me, I've bent over backwards, I think it stems from her insecurity and nothing to do with me, she wants to be the only one close to my son.  

So it's especially hard for me to see mother-in-laws that behave in the way you have endured.  I just don't get it.  

I don't understand either. Believe me!

[Persephone_93]

On 24 July 2016 at 5:34 PM, Millie681 said:

To have a place of your own where you can grieve and visit is special.  I think anything we can do for ourselves is baby steps.  If you don't mind me asking. Do you ever go there with his family? 

You are kind. I don't feel it at all. I feel so lost and weak. My therapist says my grief is like an ocean & will come in waves. Well this week for some reason I feel I'm in a storm & drowning. 

You have to go with the waves and try not to fight it else it will pull you under. Its ok to feel that way. Its ok to feel any way. 

But when you feel lost and weak, remember to give yourself love, show yourself the same compassion you would to anybody else in that situation. 

When I start to think about it all during the day I mentally put all the thoughts and feelings into a box. I allow my self 30 minutes in the evening to open the box and let everything come flooding in. But then I put the lid back on. 

You are stronger than you think. Getting through each day alone is a win. One day you will stop just existing, and start living. 

 

xx

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Persephone_93 said:

But when you feel lost and weak, remember to give yourself love, show yourself the same compassion you would to anybody else in that situation. 

When I start to think about it all during the day I mentally put all the thoughts and feelings into a box. I allow my self 30 minutes in the evening to open the box and let everything come flooding in. But then I put the lid back on. 

Good advice!

[Millie681]

On July 31, 2016 at 9:38 PM, velvettuberose said:

My mother-in-law argued with her son, my husband, a week before he passed. At the funeral, she did not cry a single tear. His parents did not attend the committal ceremony of Walter's cremains because they were on vacation. They showed up at the hospital 3 hours after he passed even though they live 40 minutes away from us. And some people talk about forgiving????   Never...And also my husband would understand. 

So, you don't have to talk to her if that brings you pain.

Wow! I am just in shock. I am so sorry that must have been so hard on you. I just don't get people & people like that I don't want to. 

 I don't have it in my heart to forgive. As it is I don't have it in my heart to feel anything but sadness & grief for Paul so she won't get anymore of my energy.  

Thank you for listening