Just need to talk

[Silverlobo777]

Hello everyone,

My dad died on June 2nd 2016 from multiple aneurysms at Mayo in Rochester MN. He was 43 years old. I am 25. I had a rough relationship with him but loved him so much. Prior to him going into the hospital, almost 2 weeks prior we hadn't spoken for a while. We reconciled while he was in the hospital the day he went in but he didn't remember it because he was on so many pain meds.

We talked on the phone about an hour before he died and he told me how he was doing. I didn't get to tell him I loved him because he had to get off the phone urgently. I'm worried that he thought I was still mad at him. There is so much more I wanted to say.

The doctors wanted to wait until June 17th to do his surgery and were even planning on sending him home for a little while so he could get stronger. He had a cardiac arrest and during CPR they believe one or all of his 4 aortic aneurysms ruptured. My step mom was at the hospital at the time and I was at home about 6 hours away.

I collapsed when I heard the news. It can't be real. I still feel like it can't be real. It's father's day this weekend and he is gone. It hurts so much, like someone is ripping out my chest. The funeral and viewing and everything were a blur. 

I'm not religious,  and I don't know what I believe happens after death. I'm worried he is just gone but am looking for signs. 

I don't know what I believe and I don't know what to do. 

I see a counselor for other probems (PTSD, bi-polar) and now this. It's like the pain and realization are either gone, or overwhelming. Oftentimes it's hard to breathe.

I just want to know I'm not the only one. I don't know what I need for support or how to tell my family. They are grieving too and I don't want to put my pain on them. 

I am the only child. I am married. My husband does everything he can to help me but I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't know what I need.

I've never posted on a forum before so I guess I dont know what to expect. I'm not trying to get sympathy or anything. I just need to talk to someone.

Thank you for reading. Hugs to you all

Jessica 

[nutella1]

Hi Jessica, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I lost my Dad suddenly 2 months ago and I'm a similar age to you (28). I'm single and also an only child with a very small family.

You may have seen the analogy online of grief being like being in the ocean...One minute your floating along nicely.... then being bashed about by waves or well and truly being pulled under by the tide...The current can change any minute.

You're being pulled under by the tide and other people can help keep you afloat. Talking to your husband and family is worth considering as you can't carry this pain on your own, you will sink. Let them be there for you. My Auntie has been my savior and pulled me out of the darkest of dark times.

I too felt and still feel crazy. I could only fall asleep if I was in my Dad's chair, I left notes to him around my room and slept with the light on so he could see them but i've realised and accepted that at this time...crazy is normal.

No idea what I think happens after we die, this bothers me too.

Its ok to not know what you need, how could you. 

When my dad died, I just needed people to be with me. I didn't want advice or even to talk, just company though I know others are different. I got pretty frustrated with how people did or didnt support me. When I realised who was there for me (3 people) I told them what I needed...quiet company, to talk about my dad and hugs. I tried to socialise with less supportive people but putting on a front destroyed me so I've distanced myself from them for now. It took me a while to know what I needed. 

Take it all hour by hour, minute by minute if you have too. I'm far from coping but I think I'm doing better than I was a week ago.

I and other people in this forum are here for you you're not alone.

[Silverlobo777]

Hi Nutella1,

I'm sorry to hear about you dad as well. Thank you for telling me how you felt. I'm glad you have people to support you. It made me feel better to find out I'm not alone.

I lost my grandmother about 8 years ago and I thought this grief would be similar to that but it is so much deeper and more painful.

I hadnt heard of gief being like an ocean but my thought that has been helping me get through the rough times is "just keep swimming." 

My dad's ashes came in the mail yesterday and that was crushing. They were sent in a zip lock baggie in a glasses case. Seeing the ashes was not something I was prepared for. 

I've read about visitation dreams and think I might have had one last night. I'm not sure though. In it my dad told me not to freak out about the ashes because it wasn't him. That was comforting to me.

I am so glad that you have your Auntie and other family there for you. Thank you for being here for me. Thank you for telling me it's ok to be crazy. I hope that it continues to improve for both of us. 

Thank you again and just keep swimming,

Jessica

[Daddy's Jen Jen]

Hey Jessica 

Reading your message brought a tear to my eye - I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. 

I hope messages like mine & Nutella1 help you realise you never have to be alone through times like this.

I'm 24 & I lost my Dad on 22nd May 2016 in a fatal motorbike collision.. I could drive myself mad with all the regrets & what ifs that it has left me with. Each day seems as though it gets harder, not easier & it seems like there's just never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Like you, I often worry about whether I told my Dad how much he meant to me enough.. But whatever happened in your relationship, you always will be his little girl & you don't have to tell him you love him - he's your Dad & he'll have seen your love! Just keep in mind all those precious memories you have together & live your life as much as he would have wanted you to... That's how he'll always know you love him... Thinking like that helps me cope, I hope it helps you too.

Keep looking for your sign - I'm sure your Dad will give you that message when you least expect it

Hugs

Jen x

[seachelle]

Hi, i can chime in here too.  I lost my dad at 26 and now at 34, my mom has been diagnosed with a degenerative illness, dementia, possibly alzheimers.  From what I know of grief there is not set of guidelines to follow that will help a person get through it, or help the one's they love support them. ..just vague recommendations of things that can work such as grief counseling and actively choosing to engage socially and with interests etc. I think one of the toughest parts of grieving, is going through the roller coaster and not knowing when it will end.  It does make you feel crazy!  And losing a parent at a young age can be very isolating as many of your friends, even at my age, don't know what to say and haven't experienced something similar.  

As cliche as it is, I do think it helps to remember that your loved one doesn't want you to suffer.  I'm sure your father realized that you are young and inexperienced in dealing with grief, and he wouldn't want you beating yourself up over it.  I do think guilt is a common feature of grief and stems from the feeling of helplessness we have when losing someone, or watching someone we love suffer.  We can't blame anyone else so we turn inward.  I hope this guilt passes for you, but you may need to work at it.  I don't think resolving grief just happens, I think people who are able to move past grief probably engage in counseling and taking steps, when they are ready, to re-engage with the living so to speak, connecting with friends or making new one's if needed, finding a passion or re-engaging in the things that make you happy. 

Also, remember that what you are feeling is normal.  You are not crazy, this is what grief feels like and it probably won't get worse than this.

We are here to support you if your friends fail in their naivete, or if your other grieving family members aren't ready to talk about it.

 

[Silverlobo777]

Thank you everyone for writing me in support. 

Some days I feel ok, but most I dont. Sometimes it doesn't feel like he's gone because he feels so close. Like I'll always have my dad with me so it doesn't matter he died. Other times it hurts so much I can't bear it. It's like a boulder and it's so heavy but I can't leave it because it's made up of memories. I don't know if I'm even making sense. I just feel so overwhelmed and alone. My in laws are here now and they are nice but it feels too hard to break down in front of them. 

I don't know how anyone can help. Thank you for letting me know you are here. Thank you all for reaching out. Thank you for telling me you are making it through. It helps me think that maybe I can too. 

All the cliche things don't help. The pain and sadness are in the silences for me and everyone wants to talk. I'm not ok and everyone expects me to be. Everyone expects me to move on like things are ok. But they aren't.

[nutella1]

Im sorry to hear youre in so much pain and people arent being as supportive as they should! As supportive as they would expect you to be if they were in your position.

I wish I knew a magic cure for this grief lark. It's been almost 3 months since my dad died, I feel like im hanging on by a thread and I'm scared it will snap. I cant cope with the pain. Life feels meaningless and like the future is going to be nothing but awful.

Last week I was torn between wanting to live in my grief because that keeps me close to my dad but then had some brief relief wanting to make the most of life because it seems too short.

This week the pain is unbearable and I'm definitely going crazy. I cant calm myself. And I'm losing so much hair too.

I'm irritated too by 'friends'. A 'best friend' asked me how work is going....i'm not back at work yet but she wouldn't know that cos she's not bothered to ask how I am and when she said she'd call...I heard nothing. And going on about an event we were going to in august but I'm going to cancel. It makes the pain worse being round people who don't even try to empathise. 

And my mother who tells me to 'cheer up' and on the occasion she asks how I am is suprised I'm hurting about my dad. 

Possibly a bit bitter!!! 

 

 

[Silverlobo777]

Today is my dad's birthday. I'm not sure if it will be hard. I had another visitation dream from my dad last night. It comforted me. 

I miss him so much. I'm so envious of my husband because he still has his dad. They don't get along but I am encouraging him to try so he doesn't regret it later. He says he wont. 

My step mom is really angry at me because my dad left me some money but didn't leave her much. 

It's hard to talk to anyone about it all. Thank you all for being here for me. It makes me feel like I'm not walking thus path alone.

Hugs to you all

Jessica

[seachelle]

Hello Jessica, it's gotta be tough to deal with the betrayal of your step mom's anger.  Some people have toxic parents and know that a relationship with the parent is impossible or destructive.  I'd imagine your husband feels that way, but it's good of you to get him thinking about it anyway, just in case.  I think holidays and birthdays will always be different after a loss.  In time all we can hope for is for the grief to subside so we can appreciate the time we did have.  Best.  Chelle