It's hard losing your only sibling

[ishsay]

I lost my only sibling, my older brother, who was 24 and I am currently 22. 

I lost him a week after my birthday, Nov. 19th, 2014.

I was at work when I got the call that my brother lost his battle with Heroin. 

He was very good looking, he didn't know that though, he was very insecure. 

I was always the angel growing up, he was the cool, bad ass.

He was popular and did drugs and loved to party. 

Once I turned 16, you can say I joined him and we shared that bond. 

We became so close and did a lot of adventuring together.

Just enjoying life and living on the edge, he molded me into the adrenaline junkie, I am today.

I miss our long car rides to nowhere, blasting music, I miss us talking crap about everyone who doubted us,

I miss our inside jokes, I miss him being over protective with me and the guys I date.

I even miss his anger, his harsh words, his selfish actions.

We had so many plans together, my memories with him are now from one perspective, he's not here to argue what really happened. 

He was so loud, his presence was so aggressive, he was so animated. 

He called me at least 10 times a day, if not more and if he was in the room, don't expect to get a word out, this loss is great.

My life is now nothing but silence, my mother and I have drifted apart.

She's always zombified off of her Xanax, so no use in talking to her.

She usually doesn't remember our conversations anyway.

So i've been going out a lot, getting drunk and high.

Feeling very alone these days. I just feel like i have no one.

Even when people try to reach out, I don't accept their calls or texts.

I just want to sit and miss him, and I don't want to get better.

I don't want to lose him, even though he's already gone..

I don't want to succeed without him, I don't want to live happy without him here,

It feels so wrong. I'm not suicidal but sometimes I wish i would just get into a freak accident.

That way me and him can be together and I won't feel bad...

 

 

 

 

[ModKonnie]

Ishsay,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your brother. Have you considered any type of counseling or support groups? The very best way to begin to heal and to move forward is to talk about your feelings.

You've got to stop using the drugs and alcohol. They are going to destroy you. While you may want to just sit and miss him, do you think that's what he wants you to do? Would you want him to sit and rot if you died? 

Try to start accepting texts and talking. One day you will look at this and be glad you tried. 

We will be here for you,

 

ModKonnie

[moonbeam135]

Ishsay,

 

I am a newbie to this too but what you have written resonates with me. I lost my sister almost 2 years ago in October to heroin as well. I was 24 at the

time she was 31. I am sorry for your loss even though these are words I have grown to hate, but what else are people expected to say right? After my 

sister passed away I too started drinking, partying, ignoring texts and calls because I felt no one understood and it took to much energy away from wanting to just sit and miss my sister. I told many people I would rather go back in time before she passed to be with her or stay sitting in the pain of right after she passed so it stayed real. It is a strange feeling. I was in a place that was just about coping with all the intense emotions I was feeling, sometimes it is easier to cope using not the "healthiest" of choices because it numbs, or makes you forget in that moment reality. I realized the heavy drinking was not helping me the way, I have now realized, the people around me could have. Accept a text or 2, start small, even if it feels like mundane chitchat or useless, because it does get you talking in the end.The people around you may not know/understand the exact pain you are going through, or how to navigate around you to support you, but I am sure they feel it, and want to be there for you. I found having patience with myself and others worked. I also found speaking with a bereavement councellor helped me process a lot and move towards "healthier" coping strategies. This **** is tough, it is easy to feel alone and be consumed by it, but just know you're not. 

 

Be kind to yourself

[lauren]

To LostSister22,

 

Your words brought tears to my eyes.

 

I joined this website in 2001 - 2 years after losing my only sibling, my big brother, Scott.  I was 37 - he was 39.  He battled another demon, Cancer!

 

The 17th anniversary of his Angel Date came this spring.  The missing never goes away - but it does soften into the wonderful memories of 'inside jokes' that no one else gets, or ever will. 

 

Ditto on the mother who crawled into a bottle of valium, and a pool of self pity that made her a victim that is (still) of no use to anyone, particularly me - her last living child.

 

When my dad died 4 years later (we were very close) I did not know if I would ever feel normal again.

 

Time has past.  I feel normal again.  But it is a 'new' normal.  A new normal that feels alone sometimes.  A new normal that is comforted in knowing that I will see Scott and Dad again.  A new normal that knows that I need to live life to the fullest NOW because this life is fragile and can be taken in a blink of an eye.

 

I focus on others now. 

I try to help others, bless others, see others needs and meet them.

Once I took my eyes off of myself, and turned them outward to others, that is when my healing started.

 

I feel your pain.  I hear your cry through the grief you share.

 

Don't lose heart - every day you wake up, God has a plan and purpose for your life. 

Blessings,

Lauren

[ishsay]

To Lauren,

I know exactly what you mean by "New Normal" I am different, I can feel it in my soul. I also am alone and I'm starting to be okay with that as well..it's been about 8 months since my brother has passed and I'm breaking my lease with my roommates to live on my own..I don't like being observed and lectured as I go through my grief journey.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father..and I'm very sorry for the "loss" of your mother. I don't have a relationship with my father, My mom and I we're best friends before my brother died. I lost her to self pity as well. My mom and my brother were all I had. My immediate family. Some days I'm okay with that, some days I'm not, ya know.

The fact that you want to help people, and focus yourself on doing good is truly a blessing within itself. When tragedies like this happen to us, it's sink or swim..and I'm glad you chose to swim. Right now I'm trying my hardest to do the same. I switched my major in school to communications, I want to be a writer. I want to speak up for people who cant and help others also. I've just been tired in every way but I am trying.

Thank you so much for your words and story! I really do appreciate it.