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victoria2998

Only 16 and my dad died

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My dad died almost 5 months ago from colon cancer. He died not even a year after diagnosis and I don't know what to do with myself. I used to have straight A's in school and now I can't even concentrate in class or take a test without him on my mind. I'm so sad all the time and I feel this crushing pain that I can't breathe sometimes. I have no one to talk to. My best friend just got a boyfriend right before my dad died and she's been so focused on him. She's a good friend don't get me wrong but she hasn't been there for me. We just got into an argument because she said she understood and I asked her how could she understand? I'm not the type of person to be straight forward and ask for help or bring up the subject, but she knows me well enough to see how much I'm struggling. She said she noticed the makeup on the pillow case from me crying myself to sleep she noticed all these tiny things and hasn't said anything. I can't help myself but be so angry at her for not being there for me. She is all I have. I don't want to talk to a therapist and we don't have the money for it anyway. I wanted to talk to my best friend but she said "she doesn't know how to help so she doesn't bring it up." I think it's so selfish of her and I know deep down it's not her fault but I can't help myself but be mad at her. I feel like she should have been there for me because shes my best friend. I've been downward spiraling and I don't know what to do. I'm only 16 and my dad was everything to me. She knew that. Is  it wrong I am mad at her? What should I do? 

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Dear victoria2998,

 

I'm so sorry about your dad :(

 

You are not wrong to be mad.  It is so very natural for the hurt and grieving part of us to be crying out "what about me?"  We so much want for someone to understand our pain, someone to see how important our relationship was, someone to see the ripping and tearing that happened to us when we lost this most important person in our lives.

 

And, completely contrary to all that, if someone dares try to understand we get angry because they can't, they never could, never would they have even an inkling of the importance of who we lost or how we feel.

 

Grief is insane.  You are not wrong to be angry.

 

You are very smart and understanding that you need something from her is a really good start.  You both are so young to be experiencing this that it is very understandable to me that she wouldn't know how to help you.  I think it's a very good thing that you've expressed yourself here because part of our process of grief is mourning... expressing our feelings, sharing them outside of ourselves.

 

It's hard for adults who have lived many years and exprienced lots of life to be able to help someone grieve.  Eventually, you may see that she is only being as she can be and forgive her, as you may eventually forgive yourself for your anger.

 

You ask what should you do?  It's hard but if you want this friend to help you, then you may have to be the strong one and start that process with her.  She doesn't know what to do just as much as you.  It is very ironic but sometimes the grieving person has to teach those around them how to help.  It is hard and it is unfair, but in the end, it is more helpful then waiting for them to do something neither you nor they know what.

 

If it were me, I would think about what I needed from her and then I would tell her.  I would say, "I need to talk about my dad for a while and I really need you to just listen." and then I would start.  Or I would say, "I'm having a terrible struggle today and I think it would be helpful if you could come over and sit with me, maybe listen to some of his music with me." or things like that.

 

It seems very basic, but it is something you can do.

 

It's not wrong for you to be angry.  And it's not wrong for her to not have helped you as you wish up till now.  No one knows what to do.  Death is the hardest part of life and our living relationships can suffer terribly through our grieving because no one knows what to do.  Young or old.

 

Be patient with yourself.  Understand what you're feeling is ok, at all times.  Take each day one at a time and come back and share with us, if with no one else.

 

<3

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Victoria:

You came to the right place. A lot of the stories and posts you will read here are from people who had no one else to talk to. Grief is hard to process with friends and family. sometimes they can't understand your pain, sometimes they have lost, but the pain is different.

here you can share your pain and be honest with no judgement... but you can also know that you are not alone.

I lost my Dad to stomach cancer almost 7 years ago. I still cry and Christmas has been the hardest.

I just came to the forum this year. it helps me to read other people's stories. I don't drop in that often, but I know it is a safe place to be.

Your pain is yours and no one can know exactly how you feel. Sometimes the best thing a friend can do is give you a hug and say nothing.

Maybe it would help to have a conversation with your dad... whatever helps you to feel like he is listening... do that... and talk with him. a lot of our grief is because there were things that didnt get said when our loved one was alive.

If your friend still has her Dad, she can't know what you are feeling. She can hug you and cry with you. and she can share the memories and stories with you.

Cancer is painful to watch. That much I know. I lived with my Dad and Mom when he was losing his battle to cancer.

If you want to talk more... leave a message. We could pick a time and chat live if it would help you.

Ruby

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I lost my dad when I was 6 from stomach cancer. And I lost my moms 6 years ago to due to accident when I was 16. I know it is very hard to deal with I also felt how you do. So many people go about their lives and try to sympathize but you are the one living with it. Shes young, and boy crazy so I wouldnt be mad she doesnt know how to deal with it either and im sure she loves you butdoesnt know how to ease your pain. Its very hard to say something to someone who has lost a parent while you havent experienced that. Keep youre head up. Go to counseling it helps a lot to talk about your feelings. It helps you be comfortable and know that youre dad is with you always even if u dont feel like he is. Talk to him. :)

If youd like. Look at my post about my mom.

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Dear Victoria,

I'm so terribly sorry to hear that you have lost your father at such a young age. Cancer is a horrible disease, and loss is never easy at any age. As others have said, it's good that you posted and good that you are talking about your loss and your feelings. I would encourage you to continue trying to find someone to talk with as you move through this loss... A teacher, a school counsellor, a close adult (maybe an aunt or the mother of a friend). It's important to get your feelings out. It's important to remember your father... Both the good times and sometimes if you need to talk, the pain of his illness.

I can tell you that I am a daughter who has lost her mother six months after she was diagnosed with cancer. I too have searched for someone to help me to understand my loss and deal with my feelings of anger, sadness, and lonliness. I too have been frustrated when people I thought should be able to listen or help me, could not. One thing that I had to learn... Not everyone can deal with these difficult life experiences. Some have just never experienced it, and thus do not know how to deal with it. Others, may have experienced something painful that they have had a hard time with and thus, they find it very difficult to be helpful in dealing with your loss. Even for adults, it's not easy.

I also speak to you as someone who was best friends with a girl who lost her mother when we were 14. Looking back on the experience, we were children dealing with adult problems. I wanted very much to help my friend, but I didn't always know how to do that. My mom helped me to deal with the situation, and told me what to do. I was very scared. I didn't understand so many things. It was one of the most significant experiences of my childhood... Something that I often remember and wonder - did I do the right things?

I would urge you to be patient with your friend. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Talk to her. Tell her that you are sad. Tell her that you are angry. And, tell her how she can help. Talking, listening to music, going to a movie, etc... All good ideas of things you can do together. As much as we like to think it sometimes, our friends and family can not read our minds. They don't know how to help unless we tell them. And sometimes, they don't want to bring it up because they worry that it will be upsetting. When in fact, the opposite is true. More often, people who have suffered a loss want to talk about their loved ones... To remember them and to work through all the feelings they have. I'm sure that your friend feels as I did - scared, unsure, wanting to help, but unsure how to do that. If she is a good friend, she will listen and she will try to help you. But if she has a hard time... Don't give up on your relationship. Try to understand. She's doing the best that she can do too... I'm sure. If she has a hard time dealing with things... It may not mean that she is a bad person or a bad friend... She just may not know how to deal with it. In which case, you can try to find support from someone else.

Take care and know that you are not alone...

Bailey

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