Actor portraying the partner of someone on life support.

[sarawiseman]

Hi there,

To anyone who is willing to share their story with me I would be truly grateful. My name is Sara Wiseman, I am an actor in New Zealand.

I am playing the role of a wife who has just found out her husband is in hospital on life support. In the end, she must finally decide when to let go and give the doctors permission to turn off his machine. Obviously, this is a very sensitive, intimate, traumatic experience and that is why I am asking for help on this site. I want to honour those who has been through this experience. I do not know anyone who has had to make this most difficult decision and would be so grateful if anyone would like to share their experience with me, to ensure the portrayal of this woman is as authentic as possible. Thank you for your time.

[missingcurtis]

I will answer but it might not be the answer you want.

While my husband was being treated for lung cancer the hospital explained the DNR to us and had us both sign one (if so desired)

(In the United States, a Do Not Resuscitate, or DNR order is a written order from a doctor that resuscitation should not be attempted if a person suffers cardiac or respiratory arrest. Such an order may be instituted on the basis of an advance directive from a person, or from someone entitled to make decisions on their behalf, such as a health care proxy; in some jurisdictions, such orders can also be instituted on the basis of a physician's own initiative, usually when resuscitation would not alter the ultimate outcome of a disease, and is designed to prevent unnecessary suffering.

Any person who does not wish to undergo lifesaving treatment in the event of cardiac or respiratory arrest can get a DNR order, although DNR is more commonly done when a person who has an inevitably fatal illness wishes to have a more natural death without painful or invasive medical procedures.)

So when he was close to the end, the doctors honored the DNR.  Putting him on life support would not have saved his life.  It would prolonged his pain and suffering.

I was actually thankful that we made the decision before hand.  I do not think I would have known what to do or say.

Debbie

 

[jackiewitter]

Hi Sara

It was not my husband but my brother.  My brother was on life support for just over 48 hours.  The ventilator that breathed for him seemed violent to his body. It was painful to watch.  I wondered afterwards how it looked so simple on TV, the machine went up and down, but in real life it seemed that the machine forced air violently into his lungs and I often wondered how painful that was.  We never had to remove him from the machine, but rather allowed the doctors to remove certain medications they were giving him to help stabilize blood pressure, brain swelling, etc...  It was the removal of these medications that allowed him to go in his own time, the ventilator continued to force air to his lungs, but his heart stopped at that was the end. 

Three times the doctor came to me asking to remove him from certain medications and allow him to try on his own to survive.  I knew in my heart that he was not going to survive, but I was still holding hope that he would, so each time I allowed them to remove a medication it was agonizing, I knew that it put us that much closer to the end.  I talked with him the entire time, telling him just to wake up so that we could get out of that horrible town.  I told him that the nurse that was with him was beautiful, and that if he would just open his eyes and look at her, he would jump out of the bed.  I talked about our childhood and I told him that no matter Mom and Dad were on the other side waiting for him, not to leave and please do not go with them.  He and I were together when our mother and father passed away, and I could not bear the thought of being left here alone.  I did not want to do this by myself and I told him so, I told him over and over that he could not leave me here alone.

The end did not come instantly either, when the last of Jeffrey's medicines were gone, I had about 15 minutes with him before his heart stopped completely.  I had 15 minutes to pray, beg and plead with him to open his eyes and just stay with me.  So I begged and screamed at him to stay,  but about the last 5 minutes I simply lay my head on the bed with him (as much as I could), and cried and sang Pink Floyd Comfortably Numb until the nurse finally came and said he was gone. 

The decision to remove medications was difficult, but a decision to remove the machine that breathed for him would have been easier.  There was no doubt in my mind that it was painful, and I do not believe that I could ever leave someone on something like that.  There was nothing about it that appeared as if they were just sleeping, nothing at all.

I wish you the best, we all struggle here with the final days, or moments with our loved ones.  I would not want anyone to have to witness their loved ones on life support, not even for the briefest of time. 

Peace and blessings, Jackie

 

[rodless]

My husband was never on life support, but my dad was. They had us leave the room while they unhooked him. Then our family stood around the bed while he died. I remember watching the numbers on the monitor going slowly down. His passing was very peaceful..he just slowly stopped breathing. It took about 30 minutes. As I looked around all of us had tears dripping down our faces but there was no pleading etc. I think the hardest part for my mom was signing the papers to let him go. She really had a bad time with that. Once that decision was made she seemed more at peace.

[sarawiseman]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.

[sarawiseman]

Oh Jackie, your story has moved me to tears, thank you so very much for your honesty and allowing me in like you just have. Your words have helped me tremendously. I wish you only the best for your future. Thank you. Sincerely, Sara.

[sarawiseman]

Thank you so very much for your story. I am so grateful to you and all who have replied for your honesty and willingness to help. Sara.