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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
ModKonnie

Grief Taught Me To CELEBRATE Life

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[align=center]~ GRIEF IS A LIVING THING ~[/align]

[align=left]Greetings to one and all,

My name is Turquoise; I am 62 yrs old, a retired horse trainer from the State of Washington.  My precious, most beloved husband, Michael, made his journey home, June 20, 2005, 10:40 PM, after a devastating, decimating, bravely fought, 3 yr battle with stomach cancer.  We shared our married life for 37 yrs.  We were closely entwined sweethearts from the instant we met to our final shared breath.  Had no children and neither of us had any family.  We were each other's family.  We had bumps, curves and potholes in our life but the clear spirit of the pure synchronicity we shared, blessed us with the crystal clarity to love deeply, freely and beyond eternity.   Yes, I lost my spiritual soul mate, my kindred spirit......the love of my life.....whose face was my moon, his smile my sun, his eyes my stars, but Michael will always be a part of me and my life.  I will never, ever forget him nor our devotion to each other and our shared love.  But, I choose to be happy, again.  My life will never be the same as the one I shared with Michael.   However, I choose to create a new life that will make Michael proud of me.   By creating a new life, the essence of Michael's beautiful spirit will live on THROUGH me.

Hours after Michael’s Crossing Over, I nearly went insane with the overwhelming, devastating, macerating pain that became an unwanted companion.  For a short, horrifying time, my strong, well-tended Beliefs flew away and hid in distant, giant trees.  I was thrashing in an ocean of confused agony.  It felt like my entire being was slashed and ripped by dull chain saws and shredded by shards of broken glass.  The agony felt like the force of a million cannon balls slamming explosively into my mid-section.  I was battered from every possible angle with explosions of dark, suffocating desolation.  I screamed out to anyone and everyone……………”What do I do?  How do I make it through the next second……..the next 10 seconds………the next 60 seconds???”  For answers, I received blank stares and averted faces which only sped up the perceived draining of my soul.

A few days later, I was at our local office supply store making copies of Michael’s death certificate.  Shaking with an empty weariness only the bereaved can understand, I saw a poster lying on a nearby copy machine.  It was a quote from St. Francis of Assisi which read “Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”  Just those few little words of guidance opened my heart and began allowing the strength of my Beliefs to return and nurture me through the greatest of all lessons of learning and enrichment of my lifetime.  That quote became my Mantra.  It was a tool, an aid, a beginning.

I am deeply & humbly grateful my darling is free of the pain and damage of cancer and chemo.  Now, he is whole, beautiful, healed, free and joyful.  I know he is laughing and running and shining with the brilliancy of the beauty of his true spirit.   And yet, if you see me weep, worry not, as it is merely the expression of the human part of me watering the beautiful memories in the garden of our togetherness and, also, a clearing out any remaining particles from the agony of loss.    By doing so, it makes room for many more loving memories to fill in the empty spaces.  I held onto grief ever so lightly, so it's lifting was gentle and swift.   

Immediately after Michael made his journey Home, I made a conscious choice to heal the pain of loss.  I searched hard for positive, forward-moving guidance.  I tried 11 different support groups, to no avail.   I did not want to remove the pain of grief, nor did I want to get stuck in a puddle of grief.  I was seeking guidance of how to FACE GRIEF AND MOVE THROUGH IT to learn the lessons it needed to teach me.   I desired only support for healing and NOT the enabling of perennial suffering.  I did not want to become a bitter, hand-wringing, whimpering caricature of my former self, living life dragging grief around like a ball and chain.  I knew, even at the earliest stage of loss, I did, indeed, have a choice of whether or not to allow anger and destructive behaviors to be a part of my grief.  Instead, I chose healing.

With the tenacity of a badger, I forged on, telling myself daily, hourly and even moment to moment, that I knew, without a shadow of doubt, I would make it through the fires of this great adversity intact, and become even stronger.  I wrote out those very words and other words of affirmation and read them to myself at least four times/day.  I read a total of 75 books.  I scoured the internet.  I called......I sought help.....I faxed whomever I could, to seek guidance and healing.  I found the Grief Recovery Institute, located a qualified GRI trained counselor and embarked on gifting myself with the tools of recovery.

I totally believe and accept grief is not a life sentence of pain.  It is, though, the vehicle to move me through the transition from being Michael’s wife to being Turquoise, newly single, healing, beautiful and loved by Michael.   Although grief arrived uninvited, free will is mine to choose how long it’s tentacles are able to clutch at my being.  

My healing recovery can only be activated in the moment of the present.   I cannot exist in the past.  Mourning ended when I realized strengths could be brought from the past to help create my new life in the present.  The mourning of Michael ceased the instant I accepted living once again.   For then, my focus shifted from loss, pain & devastation to concentrating on the new life being created.  The loss, pain and devastation then became added strengths by being reabsorbed into my healing. 

Oh, yes!! I do miss my Michael and I do feel great sadness.   Michael will always be a part of me.  For, he is the warm glow of love that will forever reside in the intertwining of our spirits.   Our beautiful relationship is now of the ethereal form, woven into the golden tapestry of the fibers of my heart, soul and essential being.  A sweet melancholy has replaced that sharp, gnawing, all encompassing pain that had taken up residence deep in the core of my soul.

I strive to remember that what is a burden on one day will be a gift on another.   So, with the grace of my strong Faith, I hold on tight when the ride of recovery gets a little bumpy, knowing that the new life I am creating will become all I need it to be.

I choose to remember Michael with love and not sorrowful grief.  I choose to honor the ‘presence’ of Michael’s Love instead of grieving his absence. I choose to celebrate, with humble, loving gratitude, the gift of our time spent together rather than mourn the loss of it.    By accepting Michael’s richly deserved freedom, I have become whole!  Grief has taught me that my life, now, has a different meaning, new depths and new horizons.  To me, grief is the greatest lesson of all in how to CELEBRATE life.   My interpretation of grief defined my reaction to grief.  I chose to make it my friend and teacher.  Recovering from grief was only as difficult and as painful as I chose to make it.  For strength, courage and support, I keep these words of Maya Angelou close in my heart:  “I can be changed by what has happened to me but I refuse to be reduced by it!”

 

MICHAEL

~Aug 11, 1944 ~ June 20, 2005~

U.S. Army   ~  Vietnam Veteran 

Stationed in Vung Tau, ‘66 & ‘67

Served with the 41st Signal Battalion

Company D

To my precious, beloved Michael,

Today, June 20, 2006, is the one year anniversary of your crossing over to the Spirit World.  You have given me the greatest love I have ever known.   Death does not tear us apart....for we are much closer now than even when we shared this earthly plane together.

The presence of your love fills my moments of missing you with the serenity of gentle acceptance.  The Light from within you taught my soul the graceful lessons of Eternal Love.  Thank you, my darling, for the priceless gift of this miracle. 

Michael, I have absolutely no regrets and no guilt.   I would not change one tiny nanosecond of the 12,876 days we were blessed to share, as it would cause a chain reaction of missed beauty.

I believe, with every fiber of my being, you are always closer than my next breath.  Time and space can never separate us.  With the deepest abiding love, I accept our new relationship.  I vow to live my life in a Good Way to honor our precious love and your beloved memory.  This is not “goodbye” Michael, but simply “hello” to our new lives.  As a truth to hold close, our love will last even beyond the Realm of all Eternity.

Dearest, Darling Michael, go with Grandfather.  I release you into the eternal beauty and joys of the Spirit World.  Be happy, baby, and keep my love with you!

I LOVE YOU,

I BLESS YOU,

I RELEASE YOU.

I SET YOU FREE,

I SET ME FREE!

*******************************************************************

(1st Year Anniversary)  On June 20, 2006, I had a reservation at our favorite restaurant.  I ordered our favorite selection and celebrated two very important things...........a one-in-a-million love shared between Michael and me.........and, moving on with my life.  It was a delicious, momentous, healing event that I enjoyed to the highest degree!!!   And, yes, I did shed a few sweet tears.   In lighting the beautiful candle gifted to me by the restaurant owner and staff, I saluted Michael, the love of my life; for his love & devotion gives me the strength to stand alone as I face the world out on my own.

 <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> 

(2ND Year Anniversary)  On June 20, 2007, I celebrated the second anniversary of beloved Michael’s Journey Home.  The celebration was a grand affair.  At our favorite restaurant, the Chef prepared a delicious meal for me.  He chose an entirely new selection as a special tribute and symbol of moving forward and moving on.    There were a few moments tinged with sadness but they were quickly transformed into happiness by the intense brilliance of the remembered love, gratitude, joy and thankfulness that we were so deeply blessed to have shared during our wonderful and loving life together.  Our beautiful memories are forever held in the silvery entwining of our souls. 

Michael is healed. 

I am healed. 

I love Michael.

I love my new life. 

It is good. 

All is well. 

And so it is. 

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> 

 

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OMG Turqoise,

You are so strong. In your words …..your descriptive words of pain I know you have felt what everyone else does. But you can intellectually make it a positive and move on. Amazing! Thanks for caring and sharing. I think I will come here every day to re read what you have written. Thank you so so much.

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Greetings whatsitallabout,

Thank you, most graciously, for your kind words and shared compassion. 

When I first wrote this, it was meant strictly for my eyes only.   I never meant for another soul to ever read it.  I am a consummate horse trainer and I decided I would "train" myself to heal from the tragic loss of the love of my life.  In training horses you don't tell them what to do, in learning, you show them.  I felt writing out and expressing the devastating, negative adversity and then move into positive healing, I could bring harmony back into my life, heart and soul.  I printed out copies to have at hand no matter where I was.  I recorded it and added it as a background subliminal track to my night time meditation tape.  I used it for my screen saver.  I let my grief counsellor see it as my final appt and she was speechless for a long while.  When she was able to speak she begged me to allow the use of it in the evening grief therapy group.  After about a month, I reluctantly agreed.  From that point on it has been shared all over the world.  It has never been edited, altered or changed,  because it is the very essence of my being speaking.    Spelling, punctuation and grammar does not matter.......only the message.

I wish all good things for youand pray all of your needs will be met,

Turquoise

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I found this article enlightening also.

I am here to prepare for my mothers death. I feel I will not be able to cope.

My mother is dying -- how will I bear it?  I know it's inevitable, but I can't imagine how to get through it.

A response by Cary Tennis

Much has been said to malign death, but little is said in its defense. Thus we fear it inordinately. But there is much about death that is wonderful. One thing that is wonderful about death is how little it requires of us, and how much we can count on it. Unlike a lover or a deliveryman, death will surely come, eventually, every time, to all of us. It will come whether we want it to or not, whether we are home when it arrives or not, whether we schedule it or not. The certainty of its arrival is frightening in a way -- we might not be ready when it arrives! -- but it is also reassuring. For once we do not have to choose. We bear no responsibility at all. If we do not make a selection, a selection will be made for us. When death arrives, it will not require payment or any form of reciprocity. It will not turn down the bed and then stand at the door waiting for a tip. Death, for the dying, need not be feared.

All death requires of us is that we bury our dead.

This is not to say that you are a silly and weak earthling caught up in weak and silly fears. I am not trying to pass myself off as some cold, imperious guru, impervious to fear of death. Far from it. I too fear death and dread the passing of those around me. I only suggest you try to make peace with death itself, in your own heart, to the extent possible, in order to lighten your burden, so that you can then move on to the issue before you with less dread and anxiety. You have probably made ample progress, perhaps more than you realize, by concentrating on this issue over the last year in your sessions with a therapist. You have been preparing. You cannot cure yourself, of course, or eliminate your natural responses to these future events. But you can prepare for them, and you have been doing so.

So take heart knowing that you are well prepared for the difficulties ahead. And take heart knowing that there will be many, many people around you who will care for you and help you when you need it. Your immediate family may disappoint you, but when illness comes, others rise to the occasion; wise caregivers and unexpected allies who were only on the periphery seem to step up and become central. Be alert to the people in your mother's life who will now come forward. Look to them for the support you will need. That is how people bear such things.

It's gruesome and terrible and frightening, I know, when the body is in the process of dying. But we do get used to certain tasks, however much we think we could never endure them. And death itself, once accomplished, is serene and quiet.

While you are taking care of these tasks, think of the immense procession you have joined -- consider, as you empty bedpans, that you are taking your place on the great wheel, that we all go, every one of us, eventually, no matter what we believe, no matter what we have accomplished or destroyed, no matter how we have failed: We all go, and likely there will be someone emptying our bedpans, and someone emptying theirs, and someone emptying theirs. In this cycle of care and decay we are united. Your mother will go, and you will follow. My parents will go, and I will follow. Or perhaps I will go first and they will follow. We do not control the order of our going. Of this we can be sure.

I am not saying something as clichéd as that all this is happening for a reason. I don't know that. But I do know that death comes to all of us eventually, and so to deny it when it is coming is, well, futile, yes, but also undignified. Without giving up -- we must do what we can to live -- we also need to embrace death, recognize its power, its omnipotence. Give it its due.

Perhaps some of our unease has to do with our guilt that we are not the ones who are dying. But really, unless we believe in a literal hell -- and I don't -- what could be so bad about being on the other side? Why should we pity those who leave a little before us? For a time, some of us will be on one side, and some on the other. For a time, our friends are inside the nightclub and we are behind the rope. But before too long, we'll all be over there on that side. True, the difference between the living and the dead is profound and fundamental, as is the difference between those inside the club and those behind the rope. But still, as Tom Waits sings, "We're all gonna be just dirt in the ground. You take responsibility for the things under your control, try to make the proper medical and financial decisions in a timely way, comfort your mother, tell her whatever you need to tell her before she goes, but give some measure of honor to death itself, as well. It is all of our fate. It is our inheritance. We will all be joined there eventually.

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katrine   

Turquoise, thankyou for sharing your inner journey with others, it has helped me to plant more seeds of healing. It was lovely to read something that articulates with so much aching beauty what my heart is trying to say.  I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, i do believe it is possible to heal and to change and to allow myself to be transformed by the crucible powers of grief, and  I do believe hearts have to be cracked wide open sometimes, to heal.  That was what needed to happen to my heart for me to grow.  As excruciatingly painful grief is at times, it also brings me greater sensitivity to all beings and a deep appreciation for life and living.  I'm no longer wasting my life but training as a social worker so I can assist others in their journey.  Death no longer terrifies me.  In the last five years I have experienced my partner, and a close friend suiciding, and my beautiful mother's death from cancer.  I have befriended grief and let it be my teacher.  You are about my Mum's age and I am so touched by your words of wisdom, insight and heartfulness, that it brings tears to my eyes.  

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Turquoise...thank you for your post...you've truely opened my eyes tonight ..My wonderful husband passed away less then 4 months ago...and the grief I've been wallowing in is unreal...I want to walk  where you're at ..Grief is a killer state...learning to accept his death rather then letting it over power me is my goal now...knowing he can't come back to me ..But I can join him when my time comes...I know I will have crashes in the days / months /years to come...But I'm going to try my level best to make him proud of me ...each day is a new beginning...Thank you so very much Turquoise...hugssssssssss and prayers for you all

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crushedheart,

I am deeply touched by your words.

Honey, at just four months into your learning journey of grief, you are not at all "wallowing!"  Your grief and loss is still so very new.  Your dear heart and soul and entire being is still very bruised and battered from the tumultous first few months of your new life.  Be very gentle with yourself because right now, you are the best friend you have. 

I am so proud of your strength, your incredible courage and your ability to project healing.  It paves the way.  I promise you with all my heart, you will positively get through this adversity and be stronger and wiser for the journey.  Unfortunately, grief is not an elective but a compulsory.

Believe it or not, each new day will bring another tiny bit of healing, a lifting of the heavy burden of pain.  You might not realize the daily progress but just consider when we plant of seed.  The growth is so slow is does seem like the plant will ever grow and then -AH - the seedling breaks through the soil and grows towards the sun.  I know that is a rough analogy but that is how we heal from grief.

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armaiti   

Turquoise,

I too was very moved by our posting about Michael.  I have very similar feelings.  My beloved partner, Ishaq, passed on July 28, 2006 - his heart stopped while he was literally laughing, playing in the water at a beautiful place on the Mckenzie River with friends.  Since that time, he has been close to me in many ways - through visitations in dreams and in physical signs, and visits from animals that have been amazing.  Ishaq was a teacher of the Sufi path and a great teacher with many students, and many of his friends and students have also been visited by him in these past fifteen months.

I agree that the best way to honor our beloveds is live the best we can.  It is hard, so hard, sometimes.  I was with Ishaq for ten and a half years; we had no children, but he has three grown children who have stayed close to me, as has the rest of his family.  I have found my daily Sufi practices, and my beliefs of the Red Road/Native American path (part Cherokee on my dad's side) have gotten me through the worst of times.  And my close friends and family who are there and have similar beliefs.  Ritual and ceremony on Ishaq's anniversaries have helped, as well as when he first past.  A dear friend and I were the ones to dress him for his cremation, doing ceremony and burning sage and tying tobacco prayer ties (a very accomodating funeral home was a great gift) and annointing him with rose oil to prepare his body for the fire.  And the ceremony continues; I expect it will continue for the rest of my life.  I have an ancestor altar for him with his ashes; a separate medicine bag holds some of his ashes which friends and students can request some of to take on journeys to scatter and bury. 

I miss him every day, his physical presence, but his spirit presence is strong, and he has given me many gifts in his new form.  I have no doubt that when I cross over I will reach out and he will be there to take me in his arms once again, and we will walk together for a time in the forms we recognize before we travel on to our next journey together.

I wish you well on your journey.  I was also wondering if you also follow a Native path, as you mention your beloved is walking with Grandfather...just curious. 

Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

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armaiti,

Yes, I am Menominee and my beloved is Blackfoot.  As is my tradition, I do not speak publicly about my traditional ceremonies.  I live and walk my traditional teachings.

I send you loving blessings of sweet grass for peace of mind, sage to clear your soul, prayers carried through the smoke; a quest to make you whole.

Peace and prayers,

Turquoise

 

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armaiti   

Turquoise, thank you for your blessings and message.  I did not mean to sound like I was asking about the specifics of your traditions, I understand about keeping these private.  

Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

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rodless   

Thank you, Tourquoise, for putting into words so many of my feelings. I lost my husband on 7/7/06 and I have found the grief journey to be many of the things you describe so well. My husband had a 5 year battle with non-hodgkins with chemo complications and much of my peace is in knowing he is now free and healthy. I, too, leaned into the grief experience using every resource I could find and I have found myself coming through it with new lessons about life, some I would not have learned without that experience. I cherish my time with Rod...he will always be with me no matter where I go from here.   Mary Jo

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Thanks  Turquoise...each day I come back to read your post again ..In it I find strength ..I know i'm in my early stage of Grief...and learning to let Go and rebuild now is what I must do ...It's been a really good day for me today ..I even had  a full meal ..actually ate something instead of pushing the food around on my plate..(Taking small steps)...and planted that seed yesterday ...Now waiting patiencly for it to grow...I could actually feel my husband smiling at me ..almost like he was cheering me on ...I will come back and read your post everyday as a reminder to myself that I too can  Live again .. Turquoise...you've  been a real blessing to me...and I know to anyone that's read your inspiring words..

Hugssssss  and Prayers with you all...

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grannyc   

CrushedHeart,

Been trying to find you.  My computer froze up recently and I had to have it all re-done, I lost your e-mail address in the process.  When you have time drop me an e-mail.

I wanted to let you know of a book that was given to me to read.  It is a very easy, kind book - its all about us especially in the early months.  I'd bet you'd be blessed by it.  It is I'M GRIEVING AS FAST AS I CAN  by Linda Feinberg.   Its amazing and I'd love you to get it.     (Such quotes as: "If you see a man is drowning, do you ask him to call you sometime if he needs help?  No. You just jump in.")  doesn't happen that way for us does it!

GrannyCheryl

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<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*

I will never get “over” losing my beloved Michael but I have moved forward “through” the pain of Grief to the welcome shores of healing where I now experience joy, peace, love and a renewed zest for living.  My new life is entirely different than the one I shared with my Michael; but it is a good life and I love it!  On my journey through Grief to healing, I willingly, graciously and humbly, died thousands of little deaths that I might live on anew.  Every time I think of Michael, I hug him in my heart(I hug him a LOT!!)

<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*

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grannyc   

Oh My,

That was beautiful,  I hope I can find my way as you have!

No, I too could never be without, Tim in my heart.   Matter of fact it still happens that I can't believe that I am without him.   He was my other half.

Thank You,  GrannyCheryl

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Hello turquoise...as I read back through the posts...it's now another 4 months added to my new journey ..8 months seems like a life time ago and yesterday rolled into one ....I'm doing a little better each day ..But with a lot of pushing ... and those little *deaths* we go though at different times.. really do tend to make us sit back and regroup...then we walk out of each one with a little more strength ..I'm looking forward to the day I can join my husband ..but until then I do as you ..I hug him each day in spirit ..and give thanks to the Lord for giving me such a wonderful husband for so many years..it's all we have left ..is their sweet spirit...Spring time is upon us and with it comes another season ..A season of reminders...and watching the new growth coming into view...trees budding ..plants peeking out of the ground..such as the new seeds we have to plant  now.. that being each day is a new seed...I know I'm rambling now...and probably still not making much sence..Love reading your posts..your words of encouragment and understanding is so very much appreciated ..

Granny C ...I have emailed you before I saw this post...always a pleasure hearing from you and altho I have read 90 mins in Heaven ...I will find I'M GRIEVING AS FAST AS I CAN  by Linda Feinberg...and read it ..thanks again for being such a kind caring person as well Cheryl..

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Greetings grannyc and crushedheart,

I am so thankful for your kind words.  I read your words with a gladdened heart to see and feel the gentle easing of your pain of loss.

I was just wondering if you two (or any others reading this thread) have been or are keeping a journal of this required journey of lessons?  I was looking back over my own journal and was amazed at some of the entries I had written.  I was thinking of starting a new thread called "Way Back Then" or possibly "Journaling" and post some of my jottings when grief first started for me.   

I have shared my Journey Through Grief To Healing at over 50 grief seminars.  At the end of each presentation, I played a beautiful song by my beloved friend, Israel Kamakwiwo'ole (Bruddah IZ) called "STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN."  After that, time allowing, I had a 30 minute question and answer time and every one always wanted to know what it was like for me on day one, week one, anniversaries, birthdays, etc.  If anyone would like a copy of that song, I will donate it free of charge.

And please know that you are loved beyond measure and a cherished blessing to me.  I wish for your days to be filled with all things good.   Turquoise

 

 

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rodless   

I have kept a journal since my husband died although I don't do as much writing now as I did the first year. I also have printed off all my posts on BI and put them in a loose leaf notebook which has given me another "journal." I can see the gradual progress to healing. It is encouraging even though some days I can't imagine being truly there. Mary Jo

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grannyc   

(((Hi)))  I have journaled and written to Tim numerous times.   My journaling, also, is less now than at first and when I read the first months, its hard to believe that was me writing - it is just dripping with pain and anquish.

We, took the Amtrak to Glacier Pk last summer, (I could not be home here on Tim's 1st anniversary.)   Around Butte, Montana there is a closed mine by the name of The Merry Widow Mine and Campground,   That is truly an oxim......   Anyway I do have a reason for writing this.  Near the entrance of this abandon camp/mine, written on a pile of scrap metal all rusted and what not  it says " We Turn, Looking Back to see the Broken image of what We were, To Discover What We Are "   I have a picture of it framed and hanging by our family pictures.  I enlarged it and printed it in Black/White and made a frame out of old barn wood and gave it to my sister in-law, as she was coming to the end of her radiation after breast cancer.  It can give me shivers at times when I read it. . .

Nothing really else to share right now....  Hit a couple sad bumps today.....    YuK!

Prayers to all, Cheryl  :?

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Hello again everyone...sorry for more bumps (((Cheryl)))..we seem to run into those when least expected..Praying that your sister in law is doing well...

"We Turn, Looking Back to see the Broken image of what We were, To Discover What We Are "

I like that saying Cheryl...

No turquoise..I didn't keep a journal as such ..not at first...my mind was so confused I couldn't think stright ..I did do a lot of talking out loud to my beloved ..and still do that ...and wishing he could answer me ..but going over those first months in my mind now..and seeing where I'm at today I can tell I'm on a right  path of *healing*and like the rest of you ..I'll never in my life time get over Ken's death ..but I will get through it ...my days are still very long ..and Nights are LONG and Lonely ..how ever I no longer pace the floors ..and no longer crying out with those animal sounds that use to invade my nights..God is granting me peace in my soul..Now too just wrap my head around missing him and rembering the goodness we had together..and giving thanks each and every day to our Lord for giving me such a wonderful husband..and thanking Ken  everyday for being the kind of husband he was..and to know that one day I'll be with him again..is my greatest help during this grieving process.

Yes turquoise I would love to have a copy of that song..as music is one of my passions...I'll leave you a PM with my email address...and say thank you in advance..

my Prayers and hugsssss for you all !

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grannyc   

I don't know if I could say I am celebrating.

But, I do know more than ever how blest I was with the marriage and relationship my husband and I had.  And, that YES!  It is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved him at all!

Cheryl   ^j^

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I have definitely learned to cherish life and the people in it. When my son was stillborn I was so lost and confused and angry and, well you know all the emotions that go with it. I had so many questions and I didn't understand. I know now that I will probably never have my answers and will never understand but I have learned how important it is to not take things for granted. Had I known my son would have been stillborn I would have cherished every kick, every move, I would have talked to him so much more and told him so much more but instead I took them for granted expecting to be able to enjoy all that when he was born. He has definitely taught me so much and now I know to treat every moment like its your last.

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sdksays   

[user=22415]cameronsmom1[/user] wrote:

... and now I know to treat every moment like its your last.

Cameronsmom, that was indeed a truthful soulsearcher for all of us who pretend more than learn to bow before the truth. I dont know why we expect all humans to think like us, be like us and live like us. Is this human or inhuman? God knows.

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sheela   

so true i am now learning to celebrate life also after losing my mother in june 2007 - it was so very hard but i am getting there and have met a new guy who i will may marry some day when i am off of ssi as they cut you off if you get married on ssi. i have health problems or i wouldnt be on it..  some day though i want to return to wrk and get a better chance at life and marry this guy ...

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kelly   

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

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