Time doesn't heal

[missingmymama]

Time doesn’t really heal the pain. The longer without my mother, the more I feel the need to kiss her, and tell her how much I miss and love her. It's been almost four months since she left. I don't care about anything. I truly feel like an alien on earth, despite I still have some loved ones, i feel that my mothership has left me. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to go on being separated from my mother for the rest of my life.

 

And some people might think I am getting better because I don’t talk about my mother all the time, but it is only because I know they gotten tired of it. The same level of pain has never left me and in some way , it has deepened. I can cry instantly just thinking about my mother. Nothing makes sense about death.

I dont know what to do.
 

[Trish91]

Hi Missyingmymama,

 

I know exactly how you feel, I am constantly anxious and fearful. I miss my mom more and more every day. As the days go bye, I feel that we are farther and farther apart. I cannot take it really. I am hopeless and sort of out of this world, which goes on and on but I am really disengaged. I live because I have to, I pretend to be OK, but I am not. I am definitely not OK. I think about dying constantly, because the word means nothing to me without my mom. I am lost. I haven't even tried counseling, as I don't really believe in it. I am demotivated. I used to be a real fighter, I used to love life, but not anymore. Although I have loved ones, I don't have my mom, who meant everything to me and me to her. I am the worst person to respond to any posts, in the state of mind that I am in. All I wanted to say is that I truly hear you and I feel your pain.

 

I pray to God and talk to my mom for an end to this unbearable suffering. The emptiness is unbearable. She was my sister, my mother, my daughter, my everything. Is it possible for a child and his/her parent to have such a dependency, emotionally, and such amazing love that not even death can diminish, and on the contrary, it is the opposite, as every day that goes by the pain runs deeper and deeper and the love grows and grows?

 

We had a very healthy relationship, we helped each other out always, and now I am left with only pain, which I don't  know how to control. Nothing means anything to me anymore, I am out of energy, and nobody understands, for none of my friends and relatives have experienced what I am experiencing.

 

I pray for you, me and everybody who is in this terrible state of grieving!!!!

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

[Heartlight]

Dear missingmymama and Trish,

 

It has been six years since my sister died and two and a half since my father died and still I can have tortuous crying over either or both of them.  At the drop of a hat.

 

This doesn't necessarily sound like good news, I know... <small, sad chuckle>

 

But it is meant to give you hope.  I hope that you can understand that to expect yourselves to be better right now is something that is not necessary.  It is sad that in this society we don't feel comfortable to be the expression of our pain, a pain that lasts significantly longer than anyone ever writes about.

 

I know mine will last my lifetime.

 

After the extreme and insane pain of my sister dying, when my father got sick I knew that I was never going to make it in this life if I didn't figure out the meaning of it.  I already knew that the process of losing someone makes people struggle with their beliefs and, as you had put it, m-m-m, trying to make sense of death.  But I knew that I had to take an active role in figuring it out - finding meaning - because I was not going to make it otherwise.

 

The pain of death is too tortuous.  It changes us forever.

 

Please, please don't expect yourselves to be anywhere but where you are right now.

 

What has helped me most significantly along the way is allowing myself to have my pain, and allowing myself to have a respite from it, if and when those moments came.  Honouring both of these states of being was the only way I was able to get through the first several months of both of these losses.  And, after my father died, being conscious of what felt important about life.

 

But it is a process and I hope that just reading around this forum is helping you understand to not put expectations on yourself.

 

Having my own experience and having such a large family of such varied reactions, allowed me to understand the normalcy of anything you could be feeling/doing.  These are things that have actually happened in myself or my family...

 

...being afraid of dying, not understanding how to live, being irrationally hateful towards people, not coming out of your room for 6 months even though you have 3 children depending on you, hair falling out, lost memory, excessive <insert substance/action>, hiding, running, screaming, crying, shutting down for two years, losing your religion, gaining a religion, starting to use drugs, stopping to use drugs...

 

...for months and, now, sometimes years for some of these reactions.

 

You are ok as you need to be.  Being gentle with yourselves and not expecting yourself to be anywhere else is the best thing I have found to help with the confusion.  Life and time forces us through the process of grief but being compassionate towards ourselves helps us understand it while it's happening.

 

I am so sorry you both have to be in such pain and I wish you great strength and compassion in the coming months.

 

<3

[missingmymama]

Dear Trish and Heartlight:

Thanks both for responding. I know there's no wa anyone can reduce my feeling of grief. And Tirsh , I am so sorry you are in so much pain,  I am super  grateful you share your experience because it makes me feel less lonely in my grief.I have the same fear that you do, and I also feel that my mother and I are further and fruther apart, how can i cope with this ? I am scared I will forget more and more of the precious memories, and most of all  how it feels like to hold her hand , or how it feels like to brush his hair..and how she smells..

 

I dont know if you feel as i do, but some day, I still cant believe my mother will never come home and see me again, she will never call me or hug me or talk to me.

 

I read somewhere that "no one tells me grief feels so much like fear" I agree with the feeling of fears, losing my mother is like feeilng displaced forever and not having a home to return to, its unbearable.

 

No one understand our pain because no one has teh relationship we shared with our mother...how can we foster and continue to have a relationship with someone who is not physically with us?

 

 

Heartlight..i definitely  feel like I am losing my sanity, and I am reading alot of spirtual stuff, and even going to see a medium. I want to talk to my mother, i want to find out all i can about the afterlife...I am going all over the places but I can't find any answer. I still don't know what i believe in..

 

the only hope i have left from this life is that I will be reunited with my mother...

 

i definitely know that i need to make my mother's death to MEAN SOMETHING

[fox1219]

hello,

 

its been 5 years since my father passed away, two weeks and its the exact day. My dad committed suicide when I was 14 years old and I discovered him I guess that has a lot to do with why I can't seem to move on because I don't understand why. I miss him so much, I have never been angry at him I feel sorry for him because he is missing out on a lot of things and he should be here. Some times are more worse than others like birthdays and holidays and milestones and anything I want to show him or tell him. Oh I miss my dad so so much it was really painful in the beginning its not as intense as it is now but I still end up in fits of tears wondering what life would be like with him in it. Right now I am about to finish college I have been studying graphic design and I have a show coming up some days leading up to the event are almost unbearable I wish he could go so much everyone else's parents will be there and all I will be thinking is that could have been him with me. he could be there supporting me before my show and we could go for a milkshake or a drink of beer, but life was too cruel for him. 

 

I can relate to everything said here and I dont know how to stop feeling like this. I just want my dad back. I just want to go home. I don't think my pain will ever leave all I think about is how he isn't here now and in my future like, what if I get married and have children they will never meet him they will never get to know my dad. why is life so cruel? 

[Heartlight]

Hi again, missingmymama,  (and hello, dear fox - I will write you at the end of this)

 

When I read people expressing themselves, such as you have m-m-m, I am supremely grateful forums such as this exist.  You are right that no one can take away your pain, but having a place to express the depth of our feeling is so important.

 

You ask how can you "have a relationship with someone who is not physically with us?" and this is something people, even counsellors, told me in the beginning too.  I could not understand it and I felt like it was a crock and a platitude that was specifically driven to make us forget our pain.

 

As I continued to exist, and continued to grieve, I started to understand what they maybe were talking about.  This is the way I describe it:

 

Our part of the relationship is instantly cut off from us when they die.  It is the reason why we feel like part of us dies with them.  Because, we do, in essence.  We experience the phenomenon of disconnecting with a part of ourselves because we intrinsically believe the part of us that was only FOR them can only exist because they do.

 

As we move forward, we learn - by starting to feel - that the piece of them that we kept inside of us is still, actually, there... because it has and always will live inside of us.  As we move foward, we begin to support that part of ourselves that is an aspect of them and this is the piece of ourselves that we help to live again.  And by live, I mean to allow its rightful place in our heart, where it was before they died and where they deserve to be until we leave this earth.

 

This is just my understanding of it.

 

I like the reference between grief and fear.  I have never been afraid in my life until after I experienced it.

 

And I encourage you to continue your search.  I lost my belief system after my sister died and it was a long, hard struggle to have any feeling other than pain in my life.  But then one day, I heard some information that made me change everything.  I heard someone's belief that the person we love still exists but they are now in a form of pure positive energy, and communication with them could exist but we would have to raise our own emotional frequency to match.  I thought, "if there is even a slight chance that this is true, I'm going to find my bliss again so I can talk to my sister."  I worked very hard at my grief after that.

 

Two months later, after having a year and a half of pure pain, not being able to listen to music and not having any enjoyment in life, I was dancing around my livingroom to ABBA.  Suddenly, I felt my sister dancing with me.  I hadn't been thinking about her, I was just in a moment of pure bliss but the feeling of her presence in the room and the joy of dancing was undeniable.  I broke down in tears of joy immediately, as I am in this moment.

 

Yes, continue your search.

 

<3

 

 

 

Dear fox,

 

I am happy to hear you are continuing your studies though you are so sad about your dad   It is good to see that you have found this forum also because you will be able to help yourself understand more of what you're feeling and how others have felt and dealt with things before you.  I know it's not much, but it can be very, very helpful.

 

It is ok that you still have sadness.  I am not in a relationship right now and I absolutely know that the moment I am in another, I will be insanely sad again because that man will not be able to meet my father.  It doesn't matter how much time goes by, it was very important that the man in my life meet the man who raised me and who I credit all of my goodness toward (with my mom, of course).  This sadness will never go away because the condition that creates it will never change   It is just the hope that we can find good, solid men that will ask us about our dad and let us talk about him and will help us get through the sadness of him not being there in those moments.

 

That is the hope that I have.

 

I am sorry that you have so much grief at such a young age but please, at least know that what you are feeling is understandable.  Read around and share some.  And maybe, in time, you'll understand how to see the changes in your own grief.  Or, maybe you'll decide you want to get some face-to-face support.  But it does take time.  A lifetime.  Be gentle with yourself.

 

<3