cat's out of the bag...sort of

[anicra]

My Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a year ago. She's been rather secretive about it, I didn't officially find out until several months after her diagnosis when she almost died during a surgery no one knew she was having. She coded out for four minutes and the hospital had trouble reaching any of her children to authorize necessary interventions. Even then, nobody was supposed to tell me she was sick. I live 15 minutes away from her but we've been borderline estranged for going on three years. We've tried to reconnect a little but there is a lot of awkwardness between us now. She has struggled with depression and what looks like some form of PTSD or borderline personality since she was a teenager, she's 63 now. I'm the youngest of her four children, and looking at it now I feel like there wasn't any room in our relationship for me to assert myself against some of her worse behaviors. Other people have told me that she doesn't want to worry me or stress me out, but I just feel like she wrote me off when I pulled back from her after a huge blowup three years ago. My sister lives 7 hours away and has been spending more time with her than me. I feel guilty and rejected at the same time. Sis took her to her chemotherapy, I wasn't supposed to know she was receiving it and didn't find out until she was almost done. I thought Mom and I finally had a frank conversation about it around Christmas six months ago, she apologized for keeping me in the dark and told me that she was in remission now so it would be okay.

 

She lied. She's been doing radiation 5 days a week the last few months and it's not working. It hasn't metastasized but she isn't well enough for surgery, she also has heart failure and diabetes. I wasn't supposed to find out about that either, my brother slipped up and told me. My husband passed away suddenly over Memorial Day weekend, and at his visitation my mother's sister told me that seeing me deal with the arrangements has prompted Mom to preplan a bit, apparently she wants to be cremated. Helluva way to find out that she's officially terminal. Once again, everybody knew but me.

 

I just don't know what to make of it. I'm afraid to confront her about it too directly, she's extremely emotionally volatile and a big part of me fears that if I don't do this her way I'll never get to see her again. That almost happened anyway. Maybe that's how she wants it and I should respect her.

[Heartlight]

Hi again anicra,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your troubled relationship with your mom.

 

I have a friend who spent an entire day telling me about his life growing up and his relationship with his father and the damage that he attributes to all of that.  He was struggling with whether or not to have a conversation with his father about it, which was not going to be a pleasant one.  We talked about the concept of "don't do it unless there is time to heal it".  By the end of the day, he made the choice to allow his father to have his secrets and to remain ignorant of my friend's pain.  Seven days later, his father died.  He phoned me that day to tell me how he was so relieved that he had come to his own resolution and had chosen not to confront his father.  That he had resolved it on his own meant that he was not, now, left with any unresolved issues and that he didn't have to deal with the horrible feeling of hurting his dad and not being right with him before he died.

 

I tell you this because it seems you have a similar choice at hand.  I don't know what it is that estranged you but, if she is terminal, what is the ... lingering feeling... I'm sorry, that's sounds crass but I couldn't think of another way to put it... you want to experience?  This is what I would try to figure out through, if it were me.  I would also try to figure out what was reasonable, regardless of my best intentions.  For instance, if I decided I just wanted to let my mom have her unfair or ununderstandable ways but I wanted to have as much closeness as possible, could I reasonably just sit with her and allow myself to hold her hand or something and not talk and not demand anything of her?  If I still had a difficult relationship with my mother, I don't know that I could.  But maybe I could when I try to remember what it's going to be like when she's gone.

 

It's a bit of a ramble but it is how I would make the decision.

 

My mother is an odd duck.  I had a difficult relationship with her in the 1st quarter of my life.  My sisters all went out and became proficient drug addicts and they didn't get to have the benefit of years of experience on how to deal with her: don't expect anything.  So they all came back and they fight for her attention and they get hurt feelings when she doesn't pay attention to them and I try and tell them again and again: "You will never get what you want from Mom.  The sooner you accept that, the better relationship you will have with her."

 

And it's so true.  I am at a place of incredible peace with anything that my mother says or does but I didn't get that way until I stopped wanting anything at all from her.  It's like the pressure came off and we can just 'be' together.

 

I don't know if that's at all helpful, but I did want to give you some different perspectives for you to ponder.  I wish you great luck with these hard situations and thoughts and I send you a deep wish for peace and gentle caring over the loss of your husband.

 

<3

[staragenda]

This is a horrible situation.   I would do whatever you can to make peace with your mother.    Amends means changing the relationship.   It doesn't mean I'm sorry.   Part of it means  to let others know that you merit respect.  I am sorry your mother is terminally ill but that doesn't give her the right to treat you with disregard and disrespect.   I would write her a note with a card tactfully telling her that.   She is the one who is crossing over,  you are the one who is going to be left behind hurting and grieving.   Another thought is to simply send her some flowers with a simple message,  "I Love You"