Complicated, need to get out of my head

[stillnopeace]

Lost my ex?/friend/first love 8 years ago the 13th. Still feel numb. We met when we were 13, just friends for a long time. I told him I thought I loved him, and he said he loved me when I was 14. Though we didn't consider ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend, didn't kiss, nothing. We both promised we would be there for each other when we were needed. He dated different girls, I dated what guys my brothers allowed. He met a friend I hung out with and they got serious. It bothered me but didn't cause she had that same stupid look I'd get, if you can understand that. She knew how I felt cause I'd told her before they met. They were preaty serious for a long time, split up, and he called. Thats all it took I was there, he was depressed. Had gotten into meth . We hung out like before for months I knew I couldn't stop him from what drugs/alcohol he decided to do. But was there when he'd had too much, at times hed be drunk to the point he'd think he was dying, and would ask. I'd always tell him I wouldn't let that happen. It changed when I turned 16, we had been driving to his moms, a new song came on the radio "Love you to death" and he held my hand, didn't let go even at his moms. Yes sappy I still remember that, we had always sort of had a wall between us when it came to anything more till then. We never really dated, but were together months at a time off and on till I was 19. He met a girl he loved, it was serious, and I ran as far away as I could. I couldn't have a serious relationship, and still be around him. We had both tried and one of us would end up cheating on our other halves. I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids, and he wanted lots, so I kinda gave up. My little brother passed away 2 years later, and he showed up. I cried when I saw him, and still regret pushing him away when he tried to comfort me. I couldn't handle a funeral, him, and my fiance who couldn't be bothered to come. My fiance and I broke up following the funeral needless to say, when he heard. My current fiance and I met a year later. I would hear once in awhile from mutual friends that he had gotten into meth, pills, I'd hear about the now 3 daughters he had. Things I guess weren't that great in his relatioship. He had gotten to the point of telling friends he wanted to see me, and would ask them to bring me over. He was still with the same girl and I loved the guy I was with. I refused for 3 years and told them I couldn't and didn't want to be around drugs. I had moved twice, and had a couple month seperation from current fiance. Still got invites to see him. Bought a house, got back with fiance. 3 months later got a call one morning from someone asking.. "Is it true?" "Is what true?" I asked. "About ___ is it him in the paper, is he dead?" Drop phone, walk to gas station, it's him. My brother was at my house when I got back, he didn't know it was gonna be in the paper. They had found him the previous night, and had planned to tell me in the morning. I cried all the way to his moms house as my brother drove. His mom took me outside to talk to me, she knew everything between us. He had been wanting to quit meth, girlfriend didn't. They had smoked a bunch of meth, and told him their 4th daughter wasn't his. He tried to hang himself with an electrical wire, they caught him. Cut him down still alive, gave him sleeping pills to go to sleep. He made a couple phone calls then from what his girlfriend said and decided to go to his moms. No one stopped him. He was reported missing the next day. He was found a mile away, in a corn field that had flooded. Official cause was drowning. At a lunch after the funeral his sister pulled me to the side. She handed me a few pieces of paper she said were in his wallet. One was a piece of phone book page, with my number from 4 years ago, and 2 more written with my name and different numbers I had after that. My new number wasn't one, I only had it 2 weeks. 12 years knowing him when he died, many as friends, some as more. We hadn't talked in 3 years, but it still hurt, and still screws with my head at times. His daughter asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. She was little at the time, I didn't know what to say and I told her no. I don't know what "we" were. His mom was given custody of the girls, I visited once in awhile, talked to his mom for a few years. His oldest told me sometimes about her dad telling her about me. He had given her the Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox he had taken from me years ago. The last time I talked to his mom she told me all the plots next to him they have bought, for her, his daughters, and the last plot next to him. She said I could have it when I'm old. I haven't been in touch as much as I like because he is a bit of a sore spot for my fiance, we have never really talked about any of it. I had a baby big suprise, and the hour drive is hard. I still hate this time of year, hate the when flood watches are out. My fiance has learned not to drive thru after I broke down crying, shaking, and screaming to stop when he decided to drive thru it one time. I feel like I'm not allowed to miss him. I'm not the mother of his children. We were together but not. We hadn't talked in years. I still feel I broke my promise to always be there for him, even when logically I couldn't have known. I still cry when I wake up from dreams about him, though they are few now. There are days I want to go back to sleep. I still take a blue rose to his grave on the 13th, a joke we had for years, it's one of the few days I don't try to hide my feelings. Sometimes I still change the radio playing songs that I remember dancing to with him. Somedays I want to just remember days we had, others I just want to forget and not have his name in my head.

[ModKonnie]

Stillnopeace,

I am very sorry about the loss of your first love. It's tough to lose someone who holds such a special place in your heart. Anniversaries are particularly tough. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[stillnopeace]

I was told today by my fiance to "get over it" and if not soon he was leaving. Nice.......

[Heartlight]

Hi there, stillnopeace,

 

I hope that it was somewhat helpful for you to write out your story to us.  I hope also that you can see why it's very understandable that you have continued feelings for this loved one that you lost.  You have a very long and deep and moving story, you cannot expect that it would just disappear.

 

Grief is so different for each person, for each situation and, even, within each moment.  And it will come out - regardless of whether you're allowing it to, or not.  It just may look different with or without your permission and loving acceptance of it.

 

This is what I hope you can gain, at least, from coming here and telling us about the beautiful connection you had with him... that it IS a beautiful connection that deserves the space in your heart that you have for it and him.

 

Because it has been a long time that you have been unable to be free with your grief and your mourning, maybe it would be helpful to you to find a grief support group in your area, or hang out in the chat room on this site when there's people there, or find a counsellor that you feel comfortable talking to?  Part of the process of grief is the understanding and reorganizing of your own feelings, and a lot of that happens through the mourning process.  Mourning is being able to express your grief, being able to express your relationship.  It sounds as though you haven't had that opportunity much.

 

With regards to your current fiance, I don't know what kind of person he is or what your relationship is like so my comment will be basically general.  It has been my experience that people who love us but are not affected by the loss that we're experiencing have an extremely difficult time understanding that there is an individual and undeterminable process that we must go through.  But what I have seen, through my friends and through my family's experience of it, is that when you are honest about your feelings, they (those people who don't understand) appreciate having knowledge that will help them to help you.  For instance, if you truly love your fiance, expressing to him that you truly love him and that you understand his frustration and that you, yourself, don't understand the process but that you're now going to a group to help you... maybe this is what he needs?  Again, I have no idea and this is just a for instance, but having compassion for the people who love us, when we're in the middle of our own grief, seems to be the easiest way to get the support that we need.

 

Granted, it's not always easy and sometimes it's next to impossible, because grief can be that devastating.  And sometimes we are angry that we have to teach others how to give us what we need.  But the people who love us usually have a good heart and just feel insecure because they have no place within our grief.

 

Hopefully that made some sense.

 

This is just my experience of it and other people, I'm sure, have different experiences that may also help.

 

But the most important thing to remember, you had a very long and very unique relationship... is it any wonder that a relationship of that depth is reflected in this process that you're going through?

 

Be at peace with the process.

 

<3